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Problem Solving => Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters => Topic started by: adlara13 on May 15, 2013, 03:51:27 AM

Title: Baby Shower and problem guest
Post by: adlara13 on May 15, 2013, 03:51:27 AM
Am going to try and make a long story short so here goes:  After much planning and expense for my daughter's wedding and reception 3 years ago, my SIL's cousin, deliberately (in an attempt to make her husband jealous and which she divulged to my daughter several months later at another wedding) engaged in an extended, flirtatious conversation with my boyfriend at the bar as dinner began.  Her husband and family whom were seated together, began yelling from their table for her to come and sit down and when she didn't, they began yelling obsenities at my boyfriend whcih eventually escalated to an almost physical altercation.  At that point I asked his mom who was also invited to both leave as the situation ( that he did not provoke) was going to ruin, and did ruin my memories of the wedding.  The cousin and her husband left shortley thereafter, however, my daughter's  MIL who did not see what happened as did many of the guests,  vented to my daughter for almost 2 years, that it was solely his fault.... "How could I bring him" Blab... Blah.... Blah...never once speaking to me or holding niece accountable.  She also has never reached out to me and I have not even seen her since.  NOW... to fast forward... the baby shower.....I have always been williing to include whoever wants to share in planning etc, however, as with the bridal shower, daughter's MIL will try to run the show....(she did not want the bridal party involved until I stepped in) I have decided, without her input as to where it will be, and the menu...it will be a very traditional shower with about 30-35 people.... not the large gala she would like (so as to amass large amount of gifts) and I have been given a heads up that the the troublemaking cousin insists it not be held when she is vacationing!!! I am NOT  even planning on inviting her...Have not told daughters' MIL yet and don't really want to rehash the whole wedding but any thoughts?  I have thought over and over and just CANNOT forget what happened at the wedding or have that women at the shower.....
Title: Re: Baby Shower and problem guest
Post by: jdtm on May 15, 2013, 07:08:23 AM
The way I see it - the person who hosts the party gets to invite the guests.  And no explanation needs to be given as to the inclusion or exclusion of people.  Others can host a shower and include those they feel who have been missed.  I'm assuming the party is in your home and not a public place - not that it would change my original opinion.

Title: Re: Baby Shower and problem guest
Post by: Pen on May 15, 2013, 07:48:28 AM
Welcome. adlara13.

Please read the pink-highlighted items under Open Me First on the home page. We ask this of all new members to make sure we all know the intent and policies of the site and that the site is a good fit for you.

What a dilemma. I agree that the host chooses the guests, if that helps.
Title: Re: Baby Shower and problem guest
Post by: Pooh on May 15, 2013, 07:54:51 AM
Welcome adlara13.

I agree with jdtm and had a situation happen when I gave DIL a baby shower.  I gave the shower along with my Mother and two of my best friends.  We planned it all, paid for everything, etc.  The day of the shower, DIL received an ugly email from my Ex Sister-in-law wanting to know "WHY!!" her Mother hadn't been invited to the baby shower.

This would be my Ex MIL but the baby's other great-grandparents.  The deal was, my divorce from their son was ugly (because he made it so) and I have left that part of my life behind.  I hold no ill will towards my Ex MIL/FIL at all.  We never got along great, but at the time of my divorce, we were ok.  My Ex's new wife had told DIL that she would be giving her a shower as well, so truly, I didn't invite anyone from that side of my Son's family.  I invited my side and DIL's side figuring since the Ex's wife was giving a shower, she would be inviting all of that side to hers.

My Ex Sister-in-law lives 5 states away and when DIL got upset over the email, I pretty much took over and told her I would answer her.  I wasn't evil mean, but told her in no uncertain terms that I was giving the shower and DIL had nothing to do with it, and it was my decision not to invite their side.  Mainly because of what new wife had told DIL, but also that it was my family and I was no longer part of their family.  I also blasted her for upsetting DIL on her day that she was so excited about and told her that DIL had been having major issues cause by new wife and I was tired of picking up the pieces every time her family did something.  So, it was my decision and I didn't have to answer to her.

My DIL didn't want any of them there.  They had been giving her and my YS a hard time for months.  I didn't want them there either because I truly have left that part of my life behind.  But had DIL wanted them there, I would have invited them and just dealt with it.  I was giving the shower for DIL/YS but it was her day, IMO.

So I totally agree with jdtm, and forgive me if I missed it, but does your DD want MIL there?  As far as Cousin, after what she did at the wedding, she would be a total no-go for me. 
Title: Re: Baby Shower and problem guest
Post by: Pooh on May 15, 2013, 08:01:24 AM
I removed the duplicate post from the other category, but Nik had responded on that one, so here is her response.




Offline nikncon
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Dear AD,a suggestion.Some D have more than one shower.Why not have one for your DD's close friends Nd your family? If MIL wants to make one she can invite who she wants
Title: Re: Baby Shower and problem guest
Post by: adlara13 on May 15, 2013, 08:19:15 AM
Thank you all for your input.... and Pen.... I not only read all of the pink highlighted items but printed them so I can familiarize myself with the abbreviations/acronyms etc and policies... Have never reached out online before so am very... very new in navigating online forums.  Anyway.... I was going to have the shower in my home however due to some home improvement projects I decided to investigate other options....am excited about having found the place  for the shower and being a normally laid back ... go along with the flow tye of person, I sometimes allow others to take over...I just can't forget what my sil's cousin did....don't even know if I mentioned that my boyfriend of 5 years, having been thrown out ended up with a DWI rendering him unable to work for 18 months until he got his CDL back....Just goes to show how a persons actions can result in serious consequences  which could have been even worse.... for these reasons I can't have her there or risk another scene... Thanks to everyone for pointing out the obvious, that since I am paying for it I can invite whom I wish instead of trying to please everyone. Thanks Pooh for moving that new reply from the other site as I said above I am new at this but hope to learn fast as this is helpful...
Title: Re: Baby Shower and problem guest
Post by: Pooh on May 15, 2013, 11:08:08 AM
You're welcome.  This site is fairly easy to learn to navigate...you'll get the hang of it in no time.
Title: Re: Baby Shower and problem guest
Post by: luise.volta on May 15, 2013, 11:13:30 AM
Welcome, A. What does DD say? It's your party and it's and shower for her. I wouldn't invite anyone I didn't want there, but I would try to see that my position was understood and supported by the person I was feting.
Title: Re: Baby Shower and problem guest
Post by: adlara13 on May 15, 2013, 12:36:10 PM
Thank you for the support.  My daughter totally supports my decision and we just briefly discussed it over lunch.  The person in question admitted to my daughter what she did and why and her immature selfish behavior ruined my memories of  my daughter's special day that we planned for so long.  Thanks again!
Title: Re: Baby Shower and problem guest
Post by: Pooh on May 15, 2013, 12:50:07 PM
Then I think that you have your answer.  Cousin is a no-go (and I don't blame you one bit!) and if MIL doesn't like it, well then MIL can give her own shower.  :)
Title: Re: Baby Shower and problem guest
Post by: luise.volta on May 15, 2013, 12:58:43 PM
Yup...the verdict's in!  ;)
Title: Re: Baby Shower and problem guest
Post by: adlara13 on May 15, 2013, 01:41:56 PM
You all are so supportive, I am really going to like it here, meeting new friends!... As a first-time grandma-to-be  I am going to need lots of advice as I can forsee changes with the new baby.  I have been very liberal in regards to holidays, etc. but am willing to be fair and share.  Mil, not so much, but will have to also bend a bit....lol.. Thanks again..
Title: Re: Baby Shower and problem guest
Post by: Pooh on May 16, 2013, 07:42:34 AM
I think it is very refreshing to have a Mom here, with the daughter you get along with, for us MILs that don't have that.  It will be good I think for everyone to see the other side (as most of us are MILs with DIL problems).

I will tell you that this group is really fair.  Even though I have DIL problems, you'll see I gauge each individual on merit, not what their title is, as do everyone here.  And we have lovely DILs here too that help us tremendously not make some mistakes we might have made.

It's lovely to have all sides represented!

Title: Re: Baby Shower and problem guest
Post by: luise.volta on May 16, 2013, 09:25:22 AM
We started out as MILs uniting to find a way to survive...but before long we were joined by many really wonderful DILs with MILs that made their lives miserable no matter how hard they tried. There's a lot of love going around here as we honor and respect each other and find ways to have those in our lives be the way they are. I for one, tripped over my expectations...which were pretty darn reasonable. However, my DS was an adult and at choice and wasn't responsible for fulfilling those expectations. Once I learned that I was in charge of my own well being, not DS, I was on my way to healing and giving myself the life I deserved beyond my parenting role. Whew!
Title: Re: Baby Shower and problem guest
Post by: adlara13 on May 16, 2013, 06:12:35 PM
Thank you both, Pooh and Luisa.Volta....my adult kids (2 boys and 2 girls) are all  close to each other and myself and their dad (we r separated) and myself and the girls have that  special girly relationship that u just don't have with son's.  My daughter gets along well with her mil and i am glad for that despite that her mil she has not been very kind to me.    As one of my clients once said " People that judge don't matter and people that matter don't judge".  The bottom line is that my daughter's mil and myself are going to be co-grandparents so I would like to get along and have no issues  however her behavior  and values have demonstrated to me that she is judgemental, opinionated and close-minded, all of which I am not and wish to not instill in my future grandson.  My son resides out of state in North Carolina with his fiance whom I adore, however I know and think its awesome that she shares and enjoys the same close relatinship with her mom as I do with my girls.  I don't know at this point and hope to not have any problems in the future but I have witnessed how my own mom felt pushed aside when her son, my brother had children that only called the "other" grandma, "grandma".... i should probably mention .. that I work for my county's probation department and my unit prepares petitions for Family Court... I frequently prepare petitions for grandparent visitations or custody which is soooo sad and I think that it should never have to come to that as it is  detrimental to the children.  Anyway, have a good nite and Thank you ...
Title: Re: Baby Shower and problem guest
Post by: jdtm on May 17, 2013, 05:52:16 AM
Quoteher behavior  and values have demonstrated to me that she is judgemental, opinionated and close-minded, all of which I am not and wish to not instill in my future grandson

adlara13 - I really believe the above statement is out of our hands.  The old science of "nature vs nurture" - I am beginning to believe that nature not only prevails, but prevails "big time".  And besides, research has proven that children tend to bond and and are more influenced by the same sex parent which would be your son.  I doubt his grandmother (her or you) will have much effect on his personality.  Not saying that we are not important parts of our grandchildren's lives; just that we do not have the "power" that was part of being a parent.

And this can be a huge relief.  We get to deal with the joys of being with our grandchildren without having the pressures and stresses of raising these precious children.  Unconditional love - that a grandparent's love.  Wishing you the best ....
Title: Re: Baby Shower and problem guest
Post by: Evalyn on May 19, 2013, 05:07:52 PM
adlara13, welcome to WWU. I agree with the others, it's your baby shower, so you and your DD choose the guests. MIL can host her own shower. Plain speaking seems to be needed with her. People like her seem to look on tact as weakness.
What the other relative did at your daughter's wedding was absolutely appalling. I do hope with time the happy memories will predominate and the unpleasant ones recede.
I hope you have a wonderful time at the baby shower. Personally, I would completely ignore any unpleasantness from your ex's family and do my own thing.