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"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


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Messages - isitme?

1
I have to admit, I'm a little bit bothered by all the comments about being the bigger person.  I think a lot of the time it really is the right path.  And it might be the right thing for the poster in her case. 

But I think when you have to be the bigger person all the time for the sake of a family that disrespects you, it can lead to bigger problems.   I feel like it then becomes acceptable for everyone to treat you badly since you will be nice about it.  And after a while you end up building up a lot of resentment because it seems like everyone's feelings matter more then yours.  Even the feeling's of people who behave badly.  And if you mention your own feelings in this, it is considered selfish.

I'm not advocating always taking issue with every little thing and sure, it's important to let things go.  But when doing the right thing is just rewarded by a slap in the face, it becomes very hard to want to do the right thing everytime.  Especially if no one acknowledges how unfair it is..
2
Everybody makes some good points about being the bigger person and not punishing DH or the kids or grandparents for what's going on and teaching the kids an important lesson?

But what about the lesson the kids are going to learn that it's okay to treat their mother like this?  This is something I am dealing with right now.  My in laws are nasty to me, so now that I've withdrawn, they mostly ignore me.  I don't want to interfere with my husband's relationship with them, but I find it hurtful that he goes over there and spends time with this other family that I am deliberately excluded from.  And we act like this is normal because we don't want to start a big fight.  But what it teaches my kids is that it is okay for people to treat me this way - to ignore me and pretend I don't exist.   If their father goes along with that, it just reinforces the idea that their mom is someone who does not deserve respect.  We are not respected as a team.  That can be very hurtful and even if you keep quiet about it, you end up building up a lot of resentment.

I don't know if there things apply to you exactly but I understand your frustration.  It sounds like your kids see things for what they are though and hopefully that should be some relief!
3
Grab Bag / Re: Mother's Day
May 09, 2010, 07:22:23 AM
Happy Mother's day ladies!   ;D
4
Quote from: isitme? on May 08, 2010, 06:35:02 AM

MIL left me a voicemail last night asking me to call her.  DH told me NOT to call and to wait until he had a chance to talk to her today and find out what was up.  Urgh.  It's quite possible that FIL has not yet passed on the news about my "bizarre" choice not to change my name and she was just calling to talk about wedding details.  But DH wants to limit my exposure to anything nasty his parents might say to me about it so he wants to scope things out first.


Well!  MIL just called again and left a message and I know DH told me to wait till HE spoke to her before I called her back, but I just felt kind of rude ignoring her (and he's at work all day and I didn't want to spend the day worrying about it..in case she kept calling back)  so I just called her back....

AND!

we had a really nice long friendly chat about the wedding details and she congratulated me for the legal marriage and said welcome to the family.  Possibly FIL has not yet told her about not changing the name but I've decided that if they bring it up with me, I'll just say something about how I'm not trying to disrespect their family or reject them in any way but this is what we've decided. 

But this is what I've been thinking - and it's an idea I've gotten from some of the posts here.  I didn't listen to DH on this one.  I called and spoke to his mom before he talked to her.  I didn't wait for HIM to mediate, I did what I felt was right (largely in part from the things I've learned from you wise ladies here!).. and the results were good! 

I don't think this is something that will help any of you MILs with difficult DILs - because your son IS caught between the two and your DILs don't seem willing to put in any effort.  But I think this is an experience that is going to help me... 
5
"Is that so?"
"Really now"
"Good to know"

These are all great and I'm going to remember them all (maybe it's good to mix it up a little bit..)

Ladies:  thank you so much for helping me realize that I'm NOT being unreasonable about this name change and that it's not something abnormal or weird or unacceptable for me to do.  I didn't think I was - and neither did DH, but if his parents keep on pressuring me about it, it will help to remember the things all of you have said.

MIL left me a voicemail last night asking me to call her.  DH told me NOT to call and to wait until he had a chance to talk to her today and find out what was up.  Urgh.  It's quite possible that FIL has not yet passed on the news about my "bizarre" choice not to change my name and she was just calling to talk about wedding details.  But DH wants to limit my exposure to anything nasty his parents might say to me about it so he wants to scope things out first.  I appreciate his efforts to protect me (a BIG change from him throwing me to the wolves in the beginning because he didn't realize how bad things were..) but I wish we didn't have to cause this drama.  I feel like this is def. a situation where the MIL and FIL are making it hard to have a relationship - and I know many of you MILs are in a situation where it is your DIL that makes it hard....  how frustrating!
6
Quote from: Postscript on May 06, 2010, 07:50:32 PM
Ok so these folk have a pretty warped view of communication :o

I honestly think all your husband can do it stop them cold and refuse to engage in explaining himself when they go off like this.  You teach people how to treat you.  Clearly these are unreasonable people and they won't consider any course but their own.  I don't engage unreasonable people, there comes a point where you realize that no matter what you say they are going to stick to their view. 

Yes, I think they do..  I've noticed a lot of "secondary" communication in this family... mom tells brother to call other brother and tell him that she is upset with DIL... Dad gets on phone to tell son that mom is mad - etc. etc.

I agree with the idea that you have to try not to engage with people who are unreasonable.  DH and I had a discussion last night and he said I should just defer all comments about it to him and let him handle it.  I think he wants to spare me from the unpleasantness.  However, I think HE is uncomfortable with the idea of shutting down the discussion with his parents when they bring it up (i.e. hanging up the phone, leaving the house if they bring it up, as someone suggested).  He feels they have a right to express their opinion and he should hear them out, even if he doesn't agree or go along with it.   While I agree that parents SHOULD be allowed to express their opinion (all family members should) and deserve to be heard, I do NOT agree that this holds across the board.  If someone cannot be respectful, or accept someone's different opinion, or becomes verbally abusive etc. etc..  I think that changes things.  It should also not be a topic that should be brought up again and again and again until the other person caves..

This is really a shame.  I was getting to the point where I was comfortable talking to the in-laws, but now I feel that same kind of dread about them that I used to.
7
Quote from: Postscript on May 06, 2010, 07:18:17 PM
would they yell at a good friend for 40 minutes?

You know I think they actually might be capable of doing this  :o

I have been hearing about how DH's cousin's wife didn't change her name and they still carp about it..  if it wasn't this, it would be something else.  I guess I'm just disappointed because we were starting to have a more friendly relationship and I was always kind of wondering how long it would last before they got mad about something else.... turns out, about 2.5 months...
8
good point pen.

Well, DH and I always knew this was going to be a point of contention.  But I guess he was hoping they wouldn't figure it out for a while...  but he called them last night after we were legally married and I guess that was the very first thing his father asked him "Did isitme change her name?"  and he couldn't think how to dodge the question so he was just honest.  Wow, if your son got married (even if it was just the legal ceremony and the actual wedding was a month away)...wouldn't you at the VERY least want to slip in a "congratulations" or something?  DH is such a wonderful man and all I want is for him to be happy.  I wish his parents could feel the same way but I don't think they know how  :(
9
Mominwaiting, I understand your point about explaining things - it seems like you wanted to know their explanations and then when you heard them, you accepted them.  What if this is not the case?  what if your in-laws/parents refuse to consider any of your explanations - or don't even really listen to them in the first place and just keep talking over you, telling you that your are wrong/bad/not normal because you dont' do EXACTLY what they want you to do?  Should we allow it to escalate into a fight?  I'd like to avoid this.  I think the whole thing about avoiding JADE-ing (Justify, argue,defend, explain) is that you do this when dealing with UNREASONABLE people who won't listen to you or respect your opinion no matter what.  Then it just becomes a battle that no one can win.  You cannot reason with unreasonable people and unfortunatly it seems like many of us driven to this website (both MILs and DILs) are dealing with someone unreasonable...
10
Thanks, scoop - sadly I think you  might be right about many things.

Yes the JADE thing was something I was thinking about and am trying to get DH to understand.  I think I might re-read my "Emotional Blackmail" book and pass it on to DH as well. 
11
Quote from: Scoop on May 06, 2010, 11:07:25 AM

I don't know if anyone else has any ideas, but you're going to have to nip this one in the bud, because it WILL go on for over a year, they won't be giving up without heroic measures.

Hmm... DOES anyone have any ideas?  DH's first words to me after this happened was "we need to come up with a game plan"  but I honestly don't know what to do besides stay strong, tell them DH and I have discussed this and made our decision.  DH wants me to let him deal with it so he can go through ALL the different reasons we both feel I shouldn't change my name.  He is free to do as he likes but I think this will accomplish absolutely zero. 

thoughts anyone?
12
Quote from: Scoop on May 06, 2010, 11:07:25 AM


Okay, I can be a bit of a trouble maker, so I would be SO tempted to get DH tell them that he is thinking of changing HIS name!  That would be so funny, especially if you both decided to change your names into some combination of your names (i.e. Smith/Wesson into With or Smesson).  The goal being to shock them into realizing that whenever you open negotiations and ask for "more", once the negotiations are open, you may end up with *LESS*.


Thanks Scoop - I think you are absolutely right and I am determined to stay strong AND not lose my cool over this... 
DH and I ALWAYS joke around about combining our names etc...  given both of our lengthy and ethnic surnames, the possibilities are pretty hilarious.... sadly, MIL and FIL have ZERO sense of humor about things like that.  I learned the hard way.. no joking around because they will misread EVERYTHING and take it in the worst way possible. 

Oh well - the cat might get the combined name... or maybe hyphenated.  No way we will share that fact with the in-laws though.  MIL HATES cats....  surprised anyone?  :o
13
well fortunately we're moving soon...

Even though we both know it's up to MIL to find her own happiness, it makes me sad to see how much DH tries because he loves her and how bad she makes him feel sometimes.  I know she loves him (and I think her recent "tolerance" of me has been because she doesn't want to lose her relationship with her son - not because she suddenly realized she like me..) but both his parents seem to have a HUGE problem separating the concept of love with the concept of control.  And of course they are going to blame me....  now that's he's married, he's SUDDENLY changed and now I control him instead of them.  The truth is, NO ONE control DH - he is his own man.  But he has kept quiet all these years to avoid a fight but it hasn't led to anything healthy   :-\   
I'm so glad I can talk to all of you here about this.  I guess it's still a new situation so let's see what happens over the next few days...weeks....months... years?   Apparently this was an issue with their other DIL as well - and it got so unpleasant that after a year she caved and changed her name.  And I think she might be bitter and resentful and jump on the bandwagon to try to get me to change my name as well.  Sorry, it just isn't going to happen.  I'm not trying to be petty or mean about it - but professionally it would be a very bad move and personally I had just never planned on changing my name.  I feel bad though because it really seemed like things were starting to get better.... but as I said earlier, I suspect it might start to go downhill again.  Thankfully this time I have some of you wise ladies, and your wise words to help deal with it  :-\
14
Quote from: cremebrulee on May 06, 2010, 09:23:34 AM
...it seems as if you do anything beyond they're comprehention, they are going to get upset....but you can't walk on egg shells just to gain they're approval....t

Creme, this is it EXACTLY.  If it's not what they want and they cant' control it, they get upset.  And upset means UPSET - constant phone calls, crying, yelling, lecturing, getting other family members to call, snarky comments...  I have figured out that DH has sought their approval his whole life and has never gotten it.  I see him try so hard now to make his mom happy..... but until she can be happy with herself, there's nothing we can do I think..  well, I'm going to do my best to handle this as best I can.   :-\
15
Thanks ladies!!!!!!!
I feel a lot better.  I know we might be in for some rough times over this issue but DH (still have to get used to that - yay!  ;D) agrees with me and has promised to try and handle things.  I will certainly keep you all posted and will do my best to do justice to all the great advice I've gotten from all of you.   :)