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Personally I think it is always better for the mother of the new mother to visit first and for as long as she feels needed.  New Moms have so many questions and so many challenges and so many physical changes and they need someone they trust and feel completely comfortable with to ask.  I just hope the others in her family and my DS do not take this as reluctance to accept the new addition.  If they do then the tongues will wag.....yet again.  Oh well, what was that saying about the path to.....where was that???

OK, so DH vetoed the flowers before the delivery but we did go by and chat with her FOO and take DS to lunch.  We left and GD was born about an hour later.  Posts on FB show everyone from her family including her brother who drove in from hours away all posed holding the new bundle of joy.  DS sent us the room number and asked us to visit.  I told him we would come tomorrow since she will be staying till Wednesday and it seems that they have plenty of visitors for now.  Flowers tomorrow, I promise!  I hope my refusal to visit during the times when the room is overflowing with her family is not taken in the wrong light.  I do what I can do.........

Scoop, my DS may have the map but he has me blindfolded and he seems to be giving me warmer, colder clues.  I wish he would just tell me straight up instead of me having to guess and hope I am right!!

Thank you all for your replies!  Yes,my DIL did say I should stop by the hospital and she even gave me the room number.  I accepted her friend request, mainly because I did not want to give her more ammo.  I blocked her posts so that when I go on there I will not be constantly reminded of what I am missing.  I do not post often and I will have the option of checking out her posts if I should so choose.  I am thinking I will answer her message by telling her that I am rarely on facebook so if my DS could email the pictures to me I would appreciate it. I invited my son to lunch in the hospital cafeteria and I will take her flowers when I go.  All of this is about damage control and trying not to feed the fire.  Never thought I would be here......but who does?

They are inducing labor to deliver my first grandchild today.  Of course I would not be here if there were not issues between myself and my DS/DIL.  There has never been any argument or much in the way of explanation, just the silent treatment.  I spent months trying to 'make it better'.  I even went to a session with her  counselor (I did not even know she had one) where it was pointed out to me that I was having empty nest issues....great!  So I pulled back and gave them room.  It was during that time that I discovered that life without the constant drama was really quite nice.  So life goes on.

Last December they stopped by (both of them!) for the first time since before they got married two years ago to let us know that they were pregnant.  I have spent the time since then getting used to the idea that I would now have a grandchild that I would not know.  I let my DS know that I would be there for him as much or as little as he wanted me but that I knew I would make his wife uncomfortable and she has enough on her plate for today already.  I have ordered a gift for my new GC which will be here in a day or two and I was planning on mailing it to them even though they live in town.  Now for the latest development....

I got a message on that horrible site Facebook.  It came from my DIL who unfriended me years ago and it contains, in my opinion, a veiled threat.  My DS disabled his FB account a few weeks ago and now that feels like part of the plan.  So the message says that although my DS has promised to send me pictures by e-mail he will not do a proper job of it.  She sent me a friend request so that I could see pictures of my Granddaughter.  It will effectively make it so that she can pull my strings again....

Evidently she wants me to stop by the hospital today too.  Now that sounds like fun!!  Let me go down there and hang out with her family who all have decided that I ride a broom!  Yipee!! 

Now I am really in a pickle!  If I go then I have to act excited about the grandchild I will most likely never get to know.  If I don't go then I am just adding fodder to the pot she will keep stirring. 

I need a mantra that I can keep saying to myself to help me get through this visit!  Either that or I need to know how to bow out gracefully.  Help!! What should I do???

Connie and Mschrief, what I am 'still learning' is that the strings my DS uses to hurt me when he employs the silent treatment are actually under my control.  I am choosing more and more often to make them resemble spider webs instead of tow ropes.  We actually have the power to dial up our torture or dial it down.  I am dialing mine down by focusing less on him and more on me.  When things bother me I set my mind on figuring out something fun for me to do.  Long bath, movie, hike, fly a kite, anything that will entertain me and keep my mind off of the 'things I cannot change'. 

I still love him but honestly my life is calmer when I do not hear from him.  So for me I guess it is true.....no news is good news!!

Two things jump out at me.  The first and most important is "you can only change yourself". Any effort at trying to change your DH and your DSs will most likely be wasted.  However, once your change the way you react to them, they will change because your reaction is actually the fuel that propels them.  The next time they pull these things out start telling stories on them.  They smeared their poop on the wall or something, you get the idea.  When they call you on it laugh.   "I thought it was funny!"

The second thing that jumps out is "what you focus on expands".  Turn your mind to happier things.  Find things you enjoy and enjoy them!

I am so sorry you have to deal with this horrible situation but I know you are strong enough to handle it.  Sometimes (often with women) it is easier and more effective to not give the reaction they expect.  It throws them off balance. 

Good luck you wonderful smart woman!!

Here is the thing I am having a hard time with as a new MIL.  My opinions carry more impact than ever before.  So much so that I should never voice any opinions at all because if my DIL does not agree then I have offended her and she stops speaking to me.  Let's just take a fictitious instance.......

"You should eat more vegetables."

I happen to think that almost everyone should eat more vegetables.  If I make that statement to most anyone except my DIL they will take it as an opinion and either counter it with statements about how many veggies they eat, agree with it or dismiss it depending on their opinion.  If I make the same statement to my DIL I have soooo overstepped my bounds.  She is hurt and sure that I do not like her and I am just such a horrible person for attacking her and her eating habits.  So now when we do finally get together I am so afraid of offending that the conversation is very uncomfortable.  I feel like she is looking for something to hang me on and she is so sensitive that anything I say will be taken in the most horrible way possible. 

We try to get along but do you know how difficult it is to never voice an opinion about anything?  It gets pretty old talking to someone when you are barred from having any dissenting thoughts.  Limits the conversation to things about which you are sure you will agree and quite frankly that makes things rather dull.

It is really sad.  I have a wonderfully talented DIL who is quite intelligent and who I will never get to know because of it.  Oh well.

My DS and DIL are going to be parents in August.  We all live in the same town although I hardly see my DS and I do not expect that to change just because of the new addition.  I have pretty much come to terms with the fact that my DS has decided his life is happier when I am not involved in it.  Oh well....

With the upcoming birth I have new issues.  I am sure that I will be consulting you wonderful wise women for more advice in the upcoming months.  For now I need help with trying to let my DS know that I am OK with not going to the hospital during the labor and delivery without making him feel abandoned.  If anything goes wrong I want to be there for my DS's support but I so do not want to be there with my DIL's family. 

My sister thinks I should send them an e-mail but I am having a very hard time composing one that says what I want to say.  I think an e-mail can be misread too easily.  Inflections are missing along with a myriad of other things.  The only ones that I think are not ambiguous are too clinical.  Still if I phone him then that conversation will be bandied about and eventually misinterpreted. 

So what do you think?

Happy Birthday!!  Thank you so much for all you do for us!!

Jdtm, it does not sound like your SILs meant no harm.  The idea is to look at the intentions.  A lot of relationships could be saved if people avoided knee jerk reactions.  If you have been married for 40 years so you must know that.

Oh ST your post just makes my heart hurt.  I am sure everyone meant well. 

Pooh, during those four years they were included in moves, holidays and remembered on special occasions.  I know we called her fairly often but not all the time.  My parents and my ILs lived in the same town so when we visited we 'made the rounds' but we always stayed at my parents' house and now I feel guilty about it.  Oh well, I did the best I could and it eventually worked out.  Once the kids came along I invited my parents for Thanksgiving and his parents for Christmas (we had my MIL's only grands but my parents had many so it worked out) but that was 12 years into the marriage.  Until then we visited them for most holidays. 

All of this wonderful advice from all of you wise women has made me think long and hard about my relationship with my MIL.  She has been amazing through the years (35 of them so far) and I leaned on her when my mother died.  I started calling her Mom2 after that but I started out calling her Mom Smith (not really but preserving anonymity).  She calls me her other daughter  but how was I when we first got married?  Was I so much different from the DIL's mentioned on this site? 

When we got married my DH was already not getting along with his parents so instead of me being the one who "pulled them apart" I was credited with putting them back together.  Many times during our first years I prodded my DH into calling them and I made sure we stopped by to see them when we were in town, however.....we always stayed at my parents house and not his.  When his father (my FIL) died suddenly we rushed to be with Mom Smith and spent our first night together in her house.  We had been married about 4 years.  I can totally see how my MIL could have written many of the posts I have read here but I truly love my MIL!  I would hate it if I hurt her feelings the way  some of us have been hurt!  Do you think she 'suffered in silence'?  Now she has dementia and cannot remember anything for more than 5 minutes 

Yankee, I certainly know what you are talking about!  Sometimes it really gets me down too.  I live in the same town as my DS and DIL and they don't even call me on special occasions (birthday, Mother's day, Christmas even) but they post pictures on facebook about visiting their other family.  I have backed off pretty much entirely but whenever I let myself think about it I get hurt and upset.  He is my oldest son and definitely the most sensitive one.  I never would have thought that he would turn away so completely! 

For now when my mind turns to him, and starts digging the pit for me to sink in and drown, I turn my focus to things that make me happy and I remind myself of two things.

1) Those who anger you control you
2) No one can make me unhappy without my permission

I admit that I pictured a much different life than this after my children were grown but so do lots of people.  If I focus on the things I am grateful for my attitude and my life improve.

For the record, I think you are doing a wonderful job and if you can keep from mentioning your disappointment in the current arrangement you probably should.  I think the next time they show up for dinner I would only have enough main courses (steaks?) for the people you invited........maybe they will get the hint when you have to add place settings and split the food?