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mothers-in-law, please help

Started by ivetriedforyears, October 08, 2010, 11:32:25 AM

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cremebrulee

Quotecatchingup

My MIL is dead and gone and I have only one regret and that is that I did not nip her abuse in the bud by answering her back on certain issues.I did eventually tell her a thing or two but when I think of the awful verbal abuse--and I mean passive aggressive-- she handed out to me I dont know why I did not tell her to "Go to Hell"

because deep down your much better then that, and if you would have, no matter how good it felt at the time, you would have been mad as blazes and eventually regreted it when you grew to be an old woman as myself...why, b/c you would have allowed her to bring you down to her level...

I'm very proud that you didn't...and believe me, that is something coming from a big mouth like me....

Hugs
Creme

ivetriedforyears

Quote from: miss_priss on October 11, 2010, 12:44:48 PM
Ivetried - You'll find a lot of DILs here with similar issues.  As much as we'd love to believe that the perfect MIL/DIL relationship is possible, sometimes it just isn't and it could happen for a number of reasons.  I agree, it sounds like you went "above & beyond" to make sure that his family was still a vital part of his life after marriage, kudos to you, but it sounds like maybe they got accustomed to being the #1 priority, and when you and DH started to put your own nuclear family first (which is what you should be doing), they didn't handle the "loss" very well.  And of course, they will blame you for that (thus the snide comments and ungrateful attitudes when they visit).  Afterall, they never had this problem until YOU started to have an issue. 

Your DH is in a bad spot, but I hope he will stick to his guns.  He certainly should maintain a close relationship with his FOO.  But the closest relationship and #1 priority MUST be you and the children.  If FOO can't handle that, then "tough cookie."

20 years....WOW.  You have the patience of a saint.  It took me about 3 years before I realized I would never be able to make my MIL and other IL's happy, I quit trying and just started to be myself again.  LOL, they didn't like that either because my "true self" didn't let MIL get away with nasty under-her-breath comments.  I'd kindly ask her to repeat herself so we could all hear and participate in her thoughts.  When she wouldn't repeat herself, I would repeat them for her and ask her if I'd understood her correctly.  Call it smart, call it what you will....but it broke MIL of making nasty comments in our home.  Anywhere else I let it roll off, but not in my home. 

Couples counseling can go miles in helping couples be able to salvage relationships, even if it does nothing but strengthen communication skills.  DH is, again, in a difficult spot.  He may even need counseling alone, just to help him distinguish the different directions and their potential pros's & con's.  It may also help him be a better husband to the wife whom it sounds like has really taken a beating for him. 

Just don't be Antone's punching bag.  No matter what the circumstances are, no one has the right to treat you that way.  Blessings to you dear.     

   
OMG That is the most hilarious thing I've ever heard!! Great way to cure your MIL's comments.  My DH (does that stand for dumb husband? ;) and I laughed out loud .  My MIL says them out loud they are disguised as legitimate questions or observations but jabs still.
This is soooooo affirming!  thank you.  And yes, that is exactly what happened.  We pledged allegiance to the FOO and it was not enough.  if we ever acted (in their presence or affecting them in any way) as if we were married instead of son and girlfriend, I took a beating.  DH is in private therapy.  he is discovering that they control him by holding out the "carrot" (which is their love and acceptance) and never getting to eat it  after jumping through the hoops.  Except for this issue (which is huge),he is husband of the year. I should have left him but I'm glad I didn't!  It makes me laugh that MIL thinks she knows DH better than i do .  I have now lived with him longer than she did.....and as an adult.

Pen

Great strategy! I should try that with DIL when she criticizes our appliances, our home, our landscaping, our car, etc. "Would you repeat that? I didn't hear you clearly." I wonder what DS/DH would do if they actually heard it first hand? I've never told DS, but I have told DH.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Annie123

Quote from: Pen on October 16, 2010, 12:38:41 PM
Great strategy! I should try that with DIL when she criticizes our appliances, our home, our landscaping, our car, etc. "Would you repeat that? I didn't hear you clearly." I wonder what DS/DH would do if they actually heard it first hand? I've never told DS, but I have told DH.

Pen, your DIL actually puts down your belongings and Home? Wow! I would look at her and say.. "Oh hun, We could of had it all! But we instead made sure our Son was able to "Give you it all" LOL Nawww, I wouldn't say that.. Just being tacky huh? But that is pretty Rude to me! Why is it that people think manners are for everyone "EXCEPT" the ones you claim to love or family? Rude is Rude is Rude I say! But knowing my little butt I would probably pop off something smart in return. LOL
Wonder why she feels the need to run you down or your Home? :o

Nana

Pen

Not only is your dil's comments on the way you live rude and unacceptable.  She is mean....sorry to say.  How dare she critize your home, your things.   We have what we have and that's it.   That Pen, should help you move on.....why be near a person who belittles you.  No way.  You dont need this kind of persons in your life.   Toxic absolutely.

Love
Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove:
Shakespeare