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How to Cope With the Upcoming Holidays?

Started by justdontunderstand, October 05, 2010, 01:53:49 PM

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cremebrulee

Quote from: Pen on October 07, 2010, 07:35:37 PM
Hey Creme, it sounds like a blast at your house! I'm too shy to invite them all to my house since they have a huge, beautiful home and ours is much smaller and funkier. I'd be mortified. When DIL comes here she criticizes our appliances, our furniture, etc.

Hey Pen, yes, we did have fun and since I'm not going away this Christmas, looking forward to having the same....thank you....

Hun, listen, be proud of who you are and what you have, you've worked very hard for everything, and know, you are a very special person and human being....you are significant in who you are and what you have, you have purpose in this life as we all do....believe in yourself..unfortunately, DIL only sees value in "things" and that Pen, is really very sad...so what if your home is smaller and funkier, there is a whole lot of love there...and she knows this, that is why she critizes you.  Personally, I think she is jealous, cuz she wants to be like you but doesn't know how...so, in order to make herself feel better about herself, she trys to make you feel inferior....

People always have a reason for doing and saying things...and if someone is trying purposely to hurt you, it's b/c there is a definciency and they are not fulfilled within themselves...candidly, they are jealous...and want center stage and will do anything to get it....

Maybe if you can understand why she's saying these things it will help you be able to deal with it more, I don't know, just a suggestion but here goes...

The first thing to know is that a happy, self confident, person does not put others down. They might provide constructive criticism but they won't put others down. This tells you a lot about the person who criticizes you. Some people are very negative about others because:
1.  they need to make themselves feel like they're in control or more powerful or to cover up their own insecurities
2.  they've experienced a trauma of their own in the past and they don't know how to deal with the pain so they'll hurt others as a defense mechanism.

People's outburts against you will probably reveal to you just how unhappy and disillusioned and frustrated that person is with life, and that's their problem, not yours. Knowing this can go a long way to being able to detach from the comments. If you know it has more to do with the person making the comments than about you, it makes it far easier not feel hurt by what's been said.

If you take their comments to heart and let them fester inside of you then you've taken on their anger. Just let it go. You don't need it.

There is a great saying, "spirit of the stairs". It's all those comments and comebacks you think of later that you wished you'd said to the person at the time. But, really, it's no use sinking to that person's level. That's what they want. They want to get a reaction out of you, they want you to feel bad and their intent quite likely was to hurt you. So, by responding with similar put downs against them really only plays into their plan and ends up hurting yourself. You also don't want to end up with regrets later over what you said in anger. So, what can you say? Tell her while you smile kindly... "Thank you for your opinion"  A response which will throw most criticizers off is to simply say, "Thank you for your opinion" and then just leave it at that. This effectively ends the conversation. They're waiting for you to respond with anger or a comeback of your own and when you don't, there's nothing left for them to say.

Remember Pen, someone who ciricizies, is merely a very insecure person who needs to make themselves feel better about themselves by putting you down...in all truth, they are very lonely people, who bully others to make themselves feel important....

Hope something I've written here has helped...

Hugs
Creme




cremebrulee

QuoteFAFE
Now that my mother is no longer alive, I host Mother's Day for both sides of the family.

Hi Fafe and welcome

I think that is a very lovely thing to do for your family and inlaws....it brings everyone together at the same time, saves a lot of running around for all concerned and they can all be together for a while on the holiday....

and I bet they appreciate your efforts..... :D

luise.volta

Well put, Creme!

"Someone who criticizes, is merely a very insecure person who needs to make themselves feel better about themselves by putting you down...in all truth, they are very lonely people, who bully others to make themselves feel important...."
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Pen

Quote from: cremebrulee on October 08, 2010, 04:39:43 AM
Quote from: Pen on October 07, 2010, 07:35:37 PM
Hey Creme, it sounds like a blast at your house! I'm too shy to invite them all to my house since they have a huge, beautiful home and ours is much smaller and funkier. I'd be mortified. When DIL comes here she criticizes our appliances, our furniture, etc.


Hun, listen, be proud of who you are and what you have, you've worked very hard for everything, and know, you are a very special person and human being....you are significant in who you are and what you have, you have purpose in this life as we all do....believe in yourself..unfortunately, DIL only sees value in "things" and that Pen, is really very sad...so what if your home is smaller and funkier, there is a whole lot of love there...and she knows this, that is why she critizes you.  Personally, I think she is jealous, cuz she wants to be like you but doesn't know how...so, in order to make herself feel better about herself, she trys to make you feel inferior....

People always have a reason for doing and saying things...and if someone is trying purposely to hurt you, it's b/c there is a definciency and they are not fulfilled within themselves...candidly, they are jealous...and want center stage and will do anything to get it....


Remember Pen, someone who ciricizies, is merely a very insecure person who needs to make themselves feel better about themselves by putting you down...in all truth, they are very lonely people, who bully others to make themselves feel important....

Hope something I've written here has helped...

Hugs
Creme

Hi Creme, you are so sweet. Just so you know, I am not bothered by DIL's comments - I know we work hard and I like our home and lifestyle. Fancy living is fabulous, but not for us (love a getaway now and again, but couldn't do it full-time, LOL) and we're OK with that. We know who we are. However, inviting people over who would clearly be uncomfortable is not conducive to a pleasant evening. DIL's FOO snubbed us at an event we all attended & DIL went through a period of not wanting to be around us because, in her words, she "just doesn't like the ILs."

I honestly don't think she's insecure, or that she's jealous of who we are; I think she just doesn't like the fact that her DH, our DS, has any ties other than to her and her family. DIL may also be afraid that our DS doesn't fall far enough from the tree, so to speak. Her FOO have a strong bond and really enjoy being together. They're smart, hardworking, & fun-loving, as well as materialistic, snobby and rude.

The holidays will come, and we'll all get through one way or the other. It's hard not to compare reality with the images of the "perfect holidays" we take in from the media, friends, cards, store decor, etc., etc. If we can't provide it we may feel "less than." It's easy to forget about the real, good things that truly define the season.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb