March 28, 2024, 10:54:27 AM

News:

"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


Did you hug your kids?

Started by barelythere, October 05, 2010, 09:48:42 PM

Previous topic - Next topic

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

barelythere

I'm asking this because somehow I'm feeling guity about hugging my sons so much.  I'm a hugger, a kisser and toucher. I'm very touchy feely.   Not a "toucher toucher" but a patter and arm around their waists hug.   I never one time thought anything about it until that article on this site that I put up.  I didn't only hug my kids but also friends and especially people I felt needed a hug.  I hug people who don't need a hug too.  I've patted hands of strangers.   I've never had anyone, including the sons, ever say anything or look at me funny about it.  The other thing that's making me feel bad is that I still run to hug them but I can tell by the way my son practically runs over to his wife and tackles her to get his arm around her that she doesn't like it.  I never thought about her not liking it but if she doesn't, I see that now.  I also hug her.  I hug the kids.  One of the grandchildren said that Grandmother (me) was going to make her cheeks go away by my kisses.  I don't know, I'm going to have to get rid of me, the essence of me, that is to be able to have a relationship with them.  How thrilling.

Nana

Don get rid of you Barelythere.

Our essence is who we are.  We can change things....but we are holding back what makes us unique.  People tell me I am very intense.   I am an open book,  You can always tell what is happening to me.  I cant cover it up.  If I am very happy, sad, frustrated or depressed....you can see it miles away.   My son is just like me.  When he lived with me, and he walked through the door, I could always tell by the expression in his face how his day had been. 

I also hug a lot --- specially those I love.  I hug and kiss my husband, my children and gc.  We kiss our parents good night, and good morning and when coming back from work or whatever.  We were raised this way.  We were a family of kissers. 

Why should you feel bad or guilty about it?  Just dont do it with other people who dont like to be touched. 

Love
Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove:
Shakespeare

cremebrulee

October 06, 2010, 05:12:09 AM #2 Last Edit: October 06, 2010, 05:41:19 AM by cremebrulee
Quote from: barelythere on October 05, 2010, 09:48:42 PM
I'm asking this because somehow I'm feeling guity about hugging my sons so much.  I'm a hugger, a kisser and toucher. I'm very touchy feely.   Not a "toucher toucher" but a patter and arm around their waists hug.   I never one time thought anything about it until that article on this site that I put up.  I didn't only hug my kids but also friends and especially people I felt needed a hug.  I hug people who don't need a hug too.  I've patted hands of strangers.   I've never had anyone, including the sons, ever say anything or look at me funny about it.  The other thing that's making me feel bad is that I still run to hug them but I can tell by the way my son practically runs over to his wife and tackles her to get his arm around her that she doesn't like it.  I never thought about her not liking it but if she doesn't, I see that now.  I also hug her.  I hug the kids.  One of the grandchildren said that Grandmother (me) was going to make her cheeks go away by my kisses.  I don't know, I'm going to have to get rid of me, the essence of me, that is to be able to have a relationship with them.  How thrilling.

I'm not a hugger....and when someone hugs me that I don't want to be hugged by, it really overwhelms me.  It makes me feel like I'm being forced into physical contact, which I don't do....probably for many reasons, of which I won't go into but entail how I was bought up and what happened to me as a child. 

I have one girlfriend who really annoys me.  I've known her since 7th grade, and she is not only a hugger, but she holds on and holds on, which is smothering and you can't avoid her....it really drives me up a wall...and the only way I can describe it is ewwwww....

I can hug my son, my DIL, my foster mom, but when my boss was newly appointed to my group....who I knew 3 years before that....I put up my arm and said, "I don't do hugs"!  And now I tell people...I don't care if it hurts they're feelings or not....I don't like it...period, and I am so tired of doing so and making myself feel out of kilter to please someone else.  It really really makes me feel uncomfortable. 

Barelythere, this isn't about you and who you are, this is understanding, that others might not be like you or feel like you...doesn't mean your wrong, or I'm right, it means, what your personal space wants and doesn't want....and being aware that there are other people who simply feel differently about it....

I love to sit back and watch people and when I see people hug, it makes me happy however, I still hate it when people want to hug me....and it doesn't mean I dislike them, or they're wrong, or your wrong....that is who you are....

what it's about is, recognizing that not everyone feels like you do about this or that....




Scoop

Barelythere, I think this is the exact boundary problem that many people have.  It's a matter of negotiating that fine line between your 'need' to hug, and their 'need' for their own space.

I understand because although I'm not a hugger, I am a toucher.  So instead of hugging, I'll give someone a quick squeeze on the forearm, or a pat on the shoulder.  Sometimes, I'll even just say "Oh I could give you a big hug right now!"

In the end, it's not a matter of changing yourself, it's just a matter of sensitivity.  You would be sensitive if someone was allergic to perfume, or if they didn't eat pork or were a vegetarian.  In fact, you would likely pride yourself on remembering that "so and so doesn't like pork, so I won't serve that when they visit".  It doesn't mean you have to stop liking pork.

 

free_at_last

October 06, 2010, 07:21:03 AM #4 Last Edit: October 06, 2010, 07:25:41 AM by free_at_last
Barelythere, it's perfectly fine that you like hugging and here is no need to change yourself, however if you know someone doesn't like to be hugged/touched/kissed then boundaries should be respected and you shouldn't expect them to change themselves, either.  I'm also not a hugger and it makes me very uncomfortable when I feel that hugs are being forced on me.  My husband & kids are welcome to hug me any time and I'm completely comfortable with that, but I would prefer everyone else to keep their hands off.  I grew up in a very loving family but we were never huggers or touchy-feely with each other.   I have a wedding picture of my Mom hugging me right after the ceremony.  My Mom is also not a hugger and the picture looks stilted and uncomfortable.  If you saw it you probably would think my mom & I had issues getting along, but that isn't true at all.  I have utmost respect and love for my mom, but I haven't needed or wanted hugs from her since I was a child.  My daughter is the same way, she got plenty of hugs when she was little but doesn't want us hugging her now.....my son has always been and still is a hugger. 

My husband's family are all huggers and even though I knew they didn't like me someone was always trying to hug or touch me, and I hated it.  They all knew it made me uncomfortable and eventually it became a joke for them to make me as uncomfortable as they possibly could.  Someone would yell out "You're getting a hug whether you want one or not" and they all thought it was tremendously funny.  When I said "no, thanks", they would either go ahead and grab me and do it anyway unless my husband was there to step in and tell them to back off.   Then came the comments...."what's wrong with her?"  "Didn't your mother ever hug you?" etc. 

I think as long as you realize that not everyone feels the same way about hugging that you do, and can recognize and respect that, then there is no reason to change....just save your hugs for the people that appreciate them.

barelythere

Quote from: free_at_last on October 06, 2010, 07:21:03 AM
Barelythere, it's perfectly fine that you like hugging and here is no need to change yourself, however if you know someone doesn't like to be hugged/touched/kissed then boundaries should be respected and you shouldn't expect them to change themselves, either.  I'm also not a hugger and it makes me very uncomfortable when I feel that hugs are being forced on me.  My husband & kids are welcome to hug me any time and I'm completely comfortable with that, but I would prefer everyone else to keep their hands off.  I grew up in a very loving family but we were never huggers or touchy-feely with each other.   I have a wedding picture of my Mom hugging me right after the ceremony.  My Mom is also not a hugger and the picture looks stilted and uncomfortable.  If you saw it you probably would think my mom & I had issues getting along, but that isn't true at all.  I have utmost respect and love for my mom, but I haven't needed or wanted hugs from her since I was a child.  My daughter is the same way, she got plenty of hugs when she was little but doesn't want us hugging her now.....my son has always been and still is a hugger. 

My husband's family are all huggers and even though I knew they didn't like me someone was always trying to hug or touch me, and I hated it.  They all knew it made me uncomfortable and eventually it became a joke for them to make me as uncomfortable as they possibly could.  Someone would yell out "You're getting a hug whether you want one or not" and they all thought it was tremendously funny.  When I said "no, thanks", they would either go ahead and grab me and do it anyway unless my husband was there to step in and tell them to back off.   Then came the comments...."what's wrong with her?"  "Didn't your mother ever hug you?" etc. 

I think as long as you realize that not everyone feels the same way about hugging that you do, and can recognize and respect that, then there is no reason to change....just save your hugs for the people that appreciate them.

Dear Free, yes it's hard for me, a hugger to understand but I do see that others might not like it. My situation is that my son is a hugger but his wife is not.  In fact, heartbeakingly, her birthday cards were laid out and I saw his note to her:  I wish you'd show me more affection!! (I was not peeking, I swear!!)

I think it's hard for a hugger to be with a non-hugger and vise verse. I am going to try to remember all this before I hug again. 

cremebrulee

October 06, 2010, 08:01:13 AM #6 Last Edit: October 06, 2010, 08:05:25 AM by cremebrulee
may I make a suggestion....just be more aware of others...meaning....

don't change the way you are, but be aware of who likes being hugged and who doesn't....

in other words, be conscientious of when you hug people if they respond, if they don't and pull away real quick without reciprocating, then try and remember, they're just not huggers....

and the note you read your son wrote....he may mean a whole lot more then just hugging....maybe her whole demeaner is cold and he can't deal with it, or understand it...and it sends mixed up messages to him....and he may even take it very personal when in fact, that is just who she is, but you can't change people unless they want to change.

hugs, no pun intended... ;)
Creme

luise.volta

When I married Val and met my step son and step DIL for the first time, I hugged him and when I turned to hug her...she grabbed my arms and slammed them down at my sides and glared at me with a look that could have killed a grisly bear. Whoa! 21 years later she is careful to keep her distance from me at all times but/and why would she need to? Why would I want to hug her?

My other experience of hugs is that maturing, teenage sons who are full of hormones often don't like them. They want distance until they are less fragile because they can become sexually stimulated so easily and find it embarrassing and inappropriate.

Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

miss_priss

Hugs are wonderful!  I'm not a "public hugger" and I do NOT want hugs from people that I am not very close to.  I love my parents dearly, but I only hug them when saying goodbyes.  I will be totally honest, my infant daughter HATES hugs, from anyone, DH and I included.  She does not like to be held tightly, even for a second.  How's that for inate?

I think I know where this came from barelythere.  Did this have something to do with my MIL's over-hugging and over-affection towards my DH?  Whether it did or didn't, I hope you didn't draw from that that I think that personal and affectionate contact between a parent and child is inappropriate.  I think the exact opposite.  It's not only appropriate, but its needed.  Children need to feel loved, even into adulthood.  However, especially when those children reach adulthood, it can sometimes be overdone.  My MIL's "affection" towards her son had nothing to do with love, it was severly overdone in order to show me my place as #2.  I knew that, DH knew that, everyone who witnessed it knew that.  Normal people do not hug and show affection in this manner. 

BT, don't ever EVER doubt yourself in showing true, genuine love and affection to your children through honest and sincere touch.  When it's honest and you are focused on the "hug-ee" and the reciprocation, you'll sense and know when you need to back off, I believe that.  On the opposite end, ingenuine affection when unwanted and unwarranted is just a prideful and ignorant show, my MIL is living proof of that.  She was desperately and shamelessly grasping at the end of the rope.  You don't fit in that category love, so pick your chin up.       

barelythere

Quote from: Anna on October 06, 2010, 02:07:57 PM
Hi Barelythere.  I am a hugger.  I grew up in a family who didn't hug.  I hugged my kids a lot when they were growing up, also told them I loved them.  Still do. sometimes we hug hello, sometimes we don't, but we always hug when we leave.  My parents are now offended if I leave without giving them a hug.  This form the once non huggy parents.  LOL.  I started hugging my sisters & brother too, & guess what, they are huggier to their kids now.  It seems my huggable personality is rubbing off on them.  I don't force hugs on people who don't want them.  I remember when I met my neighbour, now a very close friend, he wanted to give me a hug, & i declined.  I didn't know him very well.  He told me years later that I was the first person to ever turn down a hug from him, & his wife told me that he was really hurt that I had done so.  I think hugs are a mostly a good thing.  Don't feel bad about wanting to give hugs.  Some people really need them!!

Anna,
I have never known a non-hugger. In fact, sometimes people say they need a barelythere hug.  I often pat my friend's on the hand when I see them having a problem.  A lady we see in a restaurant looked like she was skin and bones when we saw her last week.  I stopped and hugged her and she told me her sad story.  She looked shocked that anyone would hug her but my husband says that is my gift, compassion. I do have it and I mean it with all my heart.  Sometimes people tell me things they would never tell anyone else. 

luise.volta

My mother never hugged or kissed me. Strange...when I think of it now but I didn't know anything else when I was a kid. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

jill

I did not have much affection either as a child, but I loved to hug my children, today they do not return the hugs.  Sometimes my grandchildren don't either.

barelythere

Quote from: jill on October 06, 2010, 06:42:35 PM
I did not have much affection either as a child, but I loved to hug my children, today they do not return the hugs.  Sometimes my grandchildren don't either.

Jill,
I have a friend whose daughter did her exactly the way yours do you.  Her Daughter was really cruel in so many ways.  Deliberately telling her Mother who had cancer at the time that all her problems were caused by her Mother. She screamed at her Mother constantly too. She dropped by her parent's home and dumped a pricey antique jeweled necklace that once belonged to her Grandmother at the back door.  It turns out that she, the Daughter, got a divorce, paid for by her parents, who took her in and got her help. The counselor said she had Bipolar Disorder.   

I don't know what I think anymore about these disorders.  Another friend was horribly depressed and the Psychiatrist said she was Bipolar.  She got a divorce, married someone else and Voila! No Bipolar.  ???  She didn't like her husband.  Hello.

Miss Understood

I hug everyone! EVERYONE! I would even hug a dirty, stinky homeless person. That is who I am and I won't change that for anything. If someone doesn't want me to hug them...Fine, all they have to do is say so. I won't get offended, but I will say, "You don't know what you're missing!"
BT, don't change. You don't have to. Be yourself. If you know (really know) it makes someone uncomfortable, then don't do it just out of courtesy, but if you are not sure...GO for it....If it makes YOU feel good!

BTW....I had a nice night tonight. Had a wonderful time with My youngest DD and Made it through today with flying colors. I am stronger than I give myself credit for. I believe we all are. I think I feel stronger when I stop feeling sorry for myself and stand up for me.

Hugs! Lots of Hugs....to those who want them!  ;D

Pen

I hugged and snuggled with my kids. Having been a child who craved hugs, kisses and affection from my physically and emotionally stand-offish parents I made sure that if my kids wanted to hug I would always hug back. Some people have a tactile defensiveness that makes hugging unbearable so it's always good to be sure before you charge on in :)

Hey MU, glad to hear about your great night. Whoo-hoo! Hugs accepted here :)
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb