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How to Cope With the Upcoming Holidays?

Started by justdontunderstand, October 05, 2010, 01:53:49 PM

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luise.volta

The problem with expectations is how we feel when they aren't met. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Pen

LaurieS, great post. Common courtesy keeps the civil in civilisation.


Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

free_at_last

A bank teller is just doing her job, when you work in any kind of customer service job, you are paid to smile and be nice, no matter how bad the customer treats you.  I don't want my adult kids to act nice to me just because I require them to do that.  When they were little I expected them to behave and listen to me just because I'm their mom....now that they are young adults, that's not my job anymore.  I want them to respect me but I know that will only happen if I respect them, too, meaning respecting their boundaries, respecting the person they choose to spend their life with, respecting their wants and needs, etc. 

As a mother I love my kids unconditionally, but as an adult daughter I expect respect for my choices and wishes from my mother (and my dear father when he was still with us).  Adult kids aren't babies that need their mommy anymore, thank goodness...they are adults that can be happy building a life of their own or with someone else.  If I can't respect that, then I don't see how I can expect respect from them, either.  Does that mean I have to give in to their every request?  Oh heck no, just like I can't expect them to give in to all my requests. 

What it boils down to is, when our kids grow up we have to let them be the adults that they are.  Of course we still love them with all our hearts every minute of every day, but we can't let our life revolve around them like it used to when they needed our constant care.  Whether it's focusing on a spouse, a hobby, a career, or whatever....there is life out there beyond our grown-up kids. 

Pen

Free, I agree. I think most of the MILs here understand that concept as well. Although I can't speak for anyone else, I can assure you that my life most definitely does not revolve around DS. DH & I respect DS and DIL as adults, and have from day one, but DIL started treating us with disdain on the wedding day. In fact, DIL's FOO does the smothery-baby behavior and it hasn't affected the amount of time DS & DIL spend with them one bit (they see them and/or talk daily.) We did everything right in that regard and are treated more as casual friends than family.

IMHO, common courtesy has a place in family relationships. We would never invite ourselves over to DS/DIL's house, but they feel free to drop in unannounced or to call at the last minute and invite themselves over to our house. That doesn't happen often, but still...They don't feel the need to let us know about holiday plans until the last minute which is just rude - if one is invited somewhere, it's polite to RSVP in a timely manner so as not to inconvenience the hosts, even if they're dunky old mom & dad. And it's impolite to accept an invitation to dinner and then stop off at DIL's mom's beforehand to eat a full meal. They would never treat DIL's FOO that way, and I do hope for equal courtesy (don't want to use the dreaded "e word.")
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

luise.volta

Yes, courtesy is wonderful. We just get into trouble when we expect it. We don't know what to expect...we can only hope. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

LaurieS

October 06, 2010, 06:49:42 PM #20 Last Edit: October 06, 2010, 09:14:32 PM by LaurieS
If I am respectful and courteous to someone/anyone, yes I expect to be treated the same. The fact that my kids are now adults makes me expect it even more.  When they were children I accepted bouts of immaturity and all that implies. As adults they expect a certain behavior from us and we from them. 

No one here stated that any adult child should not have the ability to be themselves and make their own decisions.  Just because the kids have become adults it does not mean that the most basic social skills should be overlooked simply because you are interacting with your or your spouses family. 

Pen brought up a couple of excellent examples and I agree when she said,"IMHO, common courtesy has a place in family relationships".  Showing respect and courtesy to only one side of the family isn't really respectful to either in the long run.

Luise... I do not totally agree with your statement.. This is how I think it should read: Courtesy is wonderful.  We have the right to expect it, but may get into trouble when forced to demand it.

luise.volta

You don't eve have to agree with any of my posts.,,but this one, you misread, I think. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

free_at_last

Pen, I absolutely agree common courtesy is called for in all relationships, and I agree that not letting you know until the last minute about holiday plans is incredibly rude.  I have a cousin that routinely does that to my Grandmother, the rest of us all think it's awful.  That's not the type of behavior I was referring to at all. 

I think it's always dangerous to turn anything into a competition or comparison with a DIL's (or anyone's) family.  Common courtesy and equal courtesy are not the same things at all.  Keeping score and expecting equal time, or equal anything, is only going to cause heartache every time. Different families have different dynamics, and it's impossible to keep everything equal due to all kinds of factors. Forcing or requiring equality (in effect, disrespecting their decisions on how to balance their families) will likely only cause things to become more and more lopsided, due to the bad feelings that it creates. 

Pen

And when do my family and I get respect? Why do they get to plan and we do not? We're not doing the forcing here - they have taken charge and plan everything. We get the leftovers.

Equal time would be great, but we know better than to "demand" it. We do hope for equal respect, however. We deserve it just the same as DIL's family. No more, no less.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Sassy

Barely There, thank you for your sweet words. I wrote a reply earlier but it appears to have disappeared into the ether.  Its that the kindness of everyone here is balm to me, (and to my husband, when he gets to checks it out).

Quote The problem with expectations is how we feel when they aren't met. Sending love...

This is exactly what our minister said to us over a year ago when we were going through preparations for our wedding (which some here may remember).  I expected courtesy and politeness.  It took me a while to get exactly what he meant.  I thought, how can expecting that be expecting "too much" from family.

Expecting courtesy and politeness from strangers has no relative risk to our feelings. Because if our expectations are not met, it may be a bit shocking, or disconcerting, or a bit of a bummer.  But unless it's vile or violent, there is usually no lasting shame or pain in it for us.  We are generally able to separate ourselves from the actions of strangers as not likely to be a significant reflection of the value of us.  If a sales assistant, or the person in queue behind us is rude to us, we can generally accept that the rudeness is her problem.  "What a rude woman" we may think.  We don't overthink "What did we do to make her be rude for us, when we were only being nice to her." So how we feel when that expectation from a stranger isn't met, is bearable for us.

Having expectations from family, any expectations at all, when those are not met, can be so devastating!  It takes time to retrain the mind.  When a birthday approaches and you haven't heard from a family member in a while, (or even if you have) it's so tempting, even natural,  to think "I can't wait to see what funny card my mom sends this year."  Not a big expectation, but having it unmet can hurt to the core. So you learn to say to yourself  "I probably won't hear from her, although it would be great if we did."  It does work to decrease the pain in our lives.  It is not easy.  I am still learning.

When holidays are coming and you find a new recipe, it's so tempting to think "Grandma will love having her favorite vegetable brushed with olive oil, oven-roasted and served with a hollandaise, we can serve it when she comes for Christmas supper." Grandma gave us her special china as our wedding present, the one she served all her holiday dinners on.   She has said she loves my cooking, and she came to previous holiday dinners before we were married.  But it turned out my expecting her to come for Christmas was a big mistake.  She felt it would be disloyal to her daughter; she had her reasons which were right for her. I don't like it, but I do accept it. This year, I have come to more fully understand what our minister has said. 

I will not have expectations for people, family, who have let me down more than once in the past.  Not even for politeness, because how I feel when those expectations aren't met is too painful for me.  I accept she may say that she is coming and then decide that morning not to come.  I will invite Grandma, and yes, I hope Grandma will come, but I will not let myself  imagine her face at our table.  No one else likes that vegetable, and I will not be preparing and serving it.

FAFE

Many years ago when my siblings and I all started our own families, moved to various places, etc., my mother came up with this rule, for lack of better words.  Our family would celebrate Thanksgiving the Saturday after Thanksgiving and Christmas the Saturday before Christmas.  This still works for our family.  She knew that we would always have another "family" that also wanted to celebrate with us.  We are still doing this, many years after her death.  There's not question about when, where, etc.  Those that can make it, great.  If not, hope to see you next year.  My two sons hardly ever get here for Thanksgiving, but do try to make it for Christmas.  They generally miss my side of the family, but are here for husband's side. 

As long as she was alive, my immediate family would alternate Mother's Day and Easter.  Now that my mother is no longer alive, I host Mother's Day for both sides of the family. 


LaurieS

Anna... I think it's hard to be placed in that position.  Of course when a new DIL comes into a family, she will have come from her own traditions and possible want to begin something new with her dh.  But it is definitely lopsided when when she can only see her side of the family in the equation.  Now some here have said that their own dh's have opted to exclude his family from his life, that would be his decision... but I don't think you are talking about the extreme case where one side of the family is now nonexistent. I don't feel that you are trying to compete with your DIL's family, being hurt by total exclusion is not a form of competition. 

We were fortunate as my families were close by.  We always had special morning Christmastime with my immediate family, then the grandparents etc would come later in the morning and we would have special time with them as well before the eating began.  The guest list often changed since neither I or my dh were the only children in the family. Our home was always open and Christmas day has always been a truly blessed day.  We've had exchange students, elderly friends who no longer have any family, and our own families together.  On a side note, it doesn't matter whose house was used, my IL's and parents enjoyed watching the kids in their own home playing and setting up new gifts and I happened to have the large house.

To me all this should be easy enough if everyone would try for a moment to put themselves into the hearts of those who touch our worlds.

I would talk to your son and dil if you are comfortable, explain how much it would mean to be included and to be able to see your grandchildren experience this magical day.

Pen

October 07, 2010, 07:42:26 AM #27 Last Edit: October 07, 2010, 07:44:57 AM by Pen
Thanks Anna for understanding. If it was just a matter of DIL & DS wanting to make new traditions with their children I would support them 100+%. That's not the case here. DIL's FOO cannot let go, and neither can she. Why is that OK but us wanting to spend a little time with DS & DIL isn't?

I hope you and your family come to a happy compromise. If everyone could just be reasonable and kind it would help so much.

LaurieS, I totally agree with your post. Here's to compassion and being sensible!
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

cremebrulee

Pen,
I've very very surprised, that her family doesn't invite you, knowing this full well....and perhaps that is where she gets it from, total disregard....

I used to have dinners and invite both sides of the family....then, we'd rent tables and chairs and empty our our large double living room and make a huge dinning room out of it...

I don't understand how families can exclude each other like this....

Yanno, even when my DIL and I were not getting along, her own mother invited me to a Christmas celebration dinner party?

Have you ever planned a christmas dinner and invited all of them?  would it be worth trying?

Creme

Pen

Hey Creme, it sounds like a blast at your house! I'm too shy to invite them all to my house since they have a huge, beautiful home and ours is much smaller and funkier. I'd be mortified. When DIL comes here she criticizes our appliances, our furniture, etc.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb