Hiya!

[chickiebaby]

I didn't mean financial responsiblity.

[luise.volta]

OK, I can get that. That's usually where it surfaces but not always. There are other areas where the aging can also be responsible; for their peace of mind, activities, sense of self-worth. etc. Then when they are showered with love, they're not coming from a place of being needy. I'm just suggesting a "you're responsible for you and I"m responsible for me" base. Does that make sense?

[chickiebaby]

Yes, it does, of course.  That's what I meant. 

[luise.volta]

The reason I got into the financial thing is probably obvious; that is our greatest issue.
We have people who want to solve it for us, but, thankfully, they aren't in a position to do that that so it's not a problem.

The only person who could, never would,

[Alicev]

The question I have is, how do I ask my dil to ask her mother not to do that or at least find a way for us all to have equal time with our kids.  I've talked to my son about it quite a few times and he always remarks that our dil gets upset if he questions why they always have to do things with her family and not leave any time for his.


Hi Grimkin.

Making time for each side of the family in a balanced and fair manner can be quite a challenge for newly married. Both the son and the daughter used to spend time with their own families but having married one another they now have their own separate family unit and on top of that their own parents and parents of the spouse. So they literally have three sides to take into consideration in terms of who and how much time, holidays etc  to spend with the woman's parents, man's parents and themselves.

In order to be fair and balanced (gee that sounds like FOX News !) I started a calendar. I marked down every single occasion I spent with my hubby's family and my side of the family. Almost like an inventory. That way I could bring some objectivity into the matter and show the facts. That was also important for my own self-evaluation, to know whether I was fair or unfair. I think it is unrealistic to expect that every single holiday will be spent with one side of the family. There are now 3 parties and all have to compromise. It is a matter of negotiation and collecting the facts and presenting them in a clear manner might help you in getting your point across. I don't know your relationship with you DIL's mother but would it be thinkable if you contacted her ahead of time and negotiated the distribution of time. Like, "I would love to do Thanksgiving"  "if you could do Xmas". Things like that. Just so that nobody feels totally left out and you all benefit. I am sure there is a solution that would be win-win to all.

[AnnieB]

Alice -- I like this calendar idea.

There are times when I feel left out... my 2nd DIL must keep some kind of calendar, she's an incredible person! My 2nd son and she have three sets of in-laws to balance... my self, her parents, his other parents (my ex and his wife).  In addition she's got a child from a previous marriage, so they are also trying to match when we all get to see our shared grandson.    because that brings in another set of parents.

She really does an awesome job .... yesterday at the son's b-day party (full of little boys running around playing and having a wild time)  it was almost everyone, including her ex's ex-wife and their son (her son's half brother, who we all include in holidays ...she baby sits for him sometimes, too).  The only ones not there were my ex and his wife, and that only because they are 600 miles away. 

Everytime I start to whine that I don't see them enough, I'm going to remember yesterday!  She should get DIL of the year award, lol...

[luise.volta]

My experience is that personalities play into this strongly. I have n "EX" DIL who comes with her second husband on EVERY holiday so we won't be alone. (My son and his wife live in another state and are only here mid-June to mid-Oct. and miss most holidays.)

She has kids and grand kids of her own and they all accommodate to the Saturday before or after each holiday and agree that we should come first. (Travel is a thing of the past for my guy.)

Then there's his son and his DIL who live about the same distance away (50 miles) and who prefer gatherings to be at their place. They invite us...case closed.

I find it interesting that one person sees us as a priority and isn't even actually related any more and another is not sensitive to the fact that his dad is 98 and frail. Go figure!

[just2baccepted]

The solution for me has been to create an extended family of like-minded peers in a "retirement community." Then family can come and go without concern. From Luise


Some of these friendships can be more of a blessing than family members are. Some of the family members really wouldn't be chosen if they weren't family members. From Chickiebaby

I agree with both of these statements.  I know I've told this before but there's this sweet lady in my neighborhood.  Her husband died a few years ago and she had no kids due to infertility but she stays active.  She has a friend her age that she travels with.

I also had certain expectations for my family.  I envisioned family get togethers, BBQ's etc., and children of my own but that's not to be either due to bad ovaries  But instead I got rejection from my IL's and drug problems and other crazy behaviors in my family and no children of my own.  And believe me I spent time off and on feeling different emotions about this, but then after listening to Joel Osteen quit a bit I've tried to have a different outlook.  I have a sweet supportive hubby, a nice home, a job I like that's not stressful, and since we couldn't have children then we have money to travel so we try to do go places a few times a year. 

And to what Chickie said there are family members in my family that I would never pick to be my friends.

Thanks everyone for giving me renewed hope about not having a close family.  I have been known to worry about growing older with little to no family but why can't we create our own??   

[AnnieB]

Absolutely! (to all the statements about creating our own)

My youngest son's favorite part of Christmas is a gathering we do with my two best friends and their families... seven "kids" now ages 17 to 24 (not including my two older sons, who don't attend this), three women ages 50 - 61 and two men 50-62.     We consider each other the sisters we don't have (I have one but.....)    I love that my son says this is his favorite part of Christmas!       

[luise.volta]

Oh, how lovely, A/B!