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Hiya!

Started by grimkin, September 11, 2009, 05:36:11 AM

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grimkin

unfulfilled expectations

It isn't really that I have expectations, I just think when spending time with your in-laws it should be a sense of responsibility.  It just isn't a polite thing to do to ignore your spouses family for whatever reason.  When I first became a daughter-in-law, I didn't much like my mother-in-law, for good reasons.  I set my problems aside with her and made sure if my hubbies family had plans we attended whatever function was planned.  Never did my own mother try and disrupt my husbands families plans, in fact my mother would ask "has <hubby>'s family said what their plans are yet for the holidays?"  Usually we always planned around each other without a hitch.  There was always a sense of tension but I overcame it due to feeling I had a responsibility to my husbands family to socialize with them.

I think that is what is missing in my daughter-in-law, responsibility.  Her mother is like this as well, she has no sense of anyone else in her family other than her own.  When kids marry you inherit a "step" family whether you like it or not and have responsibilities that follow along with that.  I mean that is just the polite way to handle things.  At least that is how I was raised watching my own mother have issues with my fathers mother.  You knew it was an issue but it was never accentuated upon as being relevant.

chickiebaby

Dear Grimkin,
I think that's what we're all dealing with in some way.  We did what was called for in that we did whatever was necessary to maintain family relationships, no matter how much we might not like it.

The women of today don't do that. Maybe it's because we're more mobile now and maybe it's that women are working outside the home and don't have the time.

I think the extended family is becoming less and less necessary for their feeling whole. They prefer their friends many times over family.  People move a lot more and new friendships are built that seem like family to them.  They don't have to put up with any bad stuff with them. If they tire of the friends, they move on.

It's your family who will be there, though, when trouble comes.  We don't run off when hard times come. It's a changing time and we're caught in the middle.  It's hard.

AnnieB

      I have seen in other places the explanation for today's woman that she's busy because she works outside the house, as if that's something new.  That might have been new in the 70's, but not today.  I'm 61 and have worked full time forever (sigh) out of necessity more than desire.... I think I had a year off in 1969 and two years off from 1973-1975, but pretty much, that's been it....
     
     It's true today, but nothing new... both spouses working, I know people are exhausted after a long day at work.     

     One of the things I've also heard is that people have so much to do -- packed schedules, especially with kids.     And then in one of my son's families, there are several families involved.... Four in-law families from previous marriages and divorce and remarriage.  Yikes!

Sassy

September 11, 2009, 03:01:03 PM #18 Last Edit: September 11, 2009, 03:06:07 PM by Sassy
Would that then perhaps be like an expectation for her to feel responsible for certain things?

I know for myself, personally, I actually get quite uneasy if I even suspect someone is spending time with me out of a sense of responsibility. I don't want to be someone's obligation.  I want to be their joy.  I want to be able to feel like I make someone feel good, and feel like that's the reason they are spending time with me.  But then, I have been called a "pleaser" more than once, and not always in a positive way.

No, its certainly not polite to ignore someone you love's family.  Its not very loving towards your spouse, imho.  She does not appear to feel the sense of duty you may have expected her to feel, if we will :-\.  So, at this point, if there are any reasons you think she might be uncomfortable spending time with your family, your best bet might be to work on those, if at all possible.  Make time togther as pleasant an experience as possible for them both.

Inviting her family to join yours is such a loving gesture that you've already made.  Maybe a vegetarian meal if she is vegetarian. Avoid topics you think might cause her discomfort.  Try hard not to let your disappointment with her come through in deed or tone.  Use honey to attract those bees!



just2baccepted

Lostone please dont apologize for your post.  My eyes teared up when I read it.  I feel the love and pain in your heart.  I just know that you're a good gal!  I hate to say this and I've never said this on here, but maybe your son will see how tacky his wife is and maybe then won't stay married.  That's probably a crappy way to think but leaving him on the side of the road is just plain abusive.  I wonder if that happens more often than we think because I remember my sister did that same thing to her high school boyfriend and he walked to a phone or something.  But that's the way she is very fruity.  Later in her life she diagnosed with bipolar and borderline personality disorder.

I just think that in a situation like this, if you're religious, all you can do is pray for your son's eyes to be opened.  And if I could give you big hug I would!

chickiebaby

Just2be....you are precious.  So encouraging.  :)

AnnieB

I agree!  Another karma + ;D

chickiebaby

That is so enlightening...I can see that even the fact that people began isolating themselves from the outside world in small ways at first, this shift your speaking of started. 

When the world became air conditioned for instance, we closed our windows, making us less accountable to our neighbors. (we once needed to be made to behave so we wouldn't get a bad reputation in our small groups)

Now, we can disappear into the crowd and become anonymous anytime we choose. I think this causes us to behave in ways not known in times past.

Our communication here is a form of this in that we are using false names and really are totally unknown to those we're speaking with.

There has been a huge shift in society and although it happened, it's not all good. 

No more small groups where are reputations are important to us. 

luise.volta


AB - you said "I'm nowhere as important in their lives as they are in mine." That seems profound to me. I never thought of it that way...but they are going forward into the future and we may be going backward into the past. We talk about their childhhood...because there is no present. This is giving me a lot to think about.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

just2baccepted

The women of today don't do that. Maybe it's because we're more mobile now and maybe it's that women are working outside the home and don't have the time.

Chick - I think you may have hit the nail on the head.  Women of my generation and other generations are burning the candle at both ends.  And I'm sure some parents feel that their own adult kids don't visit them enough.  I know my mom was a stay at home mom and did all the mother stuff etc.. the planning for get to gethers.  I don't have kids but my generation is trying to juggle kids and careers, time for themselves etc.  For the healthy DIL's that don't visit family enough I think that's probably the reason.  But the MIL's on this site I think its more than that.  Deep insecurity on some the DIL's part.  Or some of the DIL's feel resentment, like "oh I've worked all week, did 10 loads of laundry and changed 20 poopy diapers, the last thing on my mind is see the IL's."  I bet that's a common thinking pattern among DIL's. 

I tell you too that my husband works all week and he NEVER goes to visit my mom.  He has to have his relaxation time.  That's extremely important to him.  A matter fact he likes it when I work Saturday's, like I am today, so he can have his "alone time"  Just thought that would be a good thought to throw out there in case for some of you that could be the reason why your kids don't visit as much as you want.  :D

just2baccepted

Quote from: luise.volta on September 11, 2009, 07:59:38 PM

AB - you said "I'm nowhere as important in their lives as they are in mine." That seems profound to me. I never thought of it that way...but they are going forward into the future and we may be going backward into the past. We talk about their childhhood...because there is no present. This is giving me a lot to think about.

That is so profound and very possibly true.

chickiebaby

I know things are different today. It's just the way things are...we were busy, even if we didn't work outside the home.  Neither of my DILs work outside the home. We gave our sons the best education money could buy. They are professionals and only the finest things matter to one of them. The other one is not that interested in the finer things but mostly in giving to others.  He is such a wonderful man.  His wife is the distant DIL.

She brought him focus, though. I know that's what he needed, someone to tell him which turn to take.  She's good at it, too.  Extraordinarily bossy.  Something that naturally turns me off.

luise.volta

This is all very interesting. Every time we say "should" we are dealing with expectations and when we are kind and think it's a wise way to go...it's easy to expect that others agree. Not necessarily so.

The social commentary is also pertinent. The way society is shifting has got to be felt at its core...which is the family. (I hope.)

From my perspective, old people suffer, too, from the lack of the cohesive family units and consistent family interactions (get-togethers.) As families isolate and scatter...old people can find themselves out on a limb. The solution for me has been to create an extended family of like-minded peers in a "retirement community." Then family can come and go without concern.

Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

chickiebaby

I think that's an excellent idea, Luise....the creating a family within your retirement community.  It's really the best way to deal with the new ways. It's all we can do.

Some of these friendships can be more of a blessing than family members are. Some of the family members really wouldn't be chosen if they weren't family members.

The new notion of "it's not my responsibility" is one I'll never get used to hearing but I hear every younger than I am person, say it.  Nothing seems to be their responsibility.  It's a new concept that neither of my kids got from us.

I think it's a shame. Older people have so much still to give. Their love, their memories, their wisdom is something that cannot be replaced.  I can't believe younger people feel this way since I adored the people who raised me and would give anything in the world just to see them once again.

I will, though. 

luise.volta

Well, I honestly feel that the days of old people being their children's "responsibility" are mostly over (at least in our Western culture) and I'm glad. There's a lot of "stuff" that goes with that in most instances.

I think we should make our own decisions and use our own resources and that there's a lot more room in that framework for relaxed and enjoyable relationships with our adult kids.

We have a lot of options. My closest friend who just died lived in a retirement community that cost her $4,000. a month for independent living. I live in one that costs $1,045. for the two of us and if and when Val's passes, will cost me $500. There are lots of ways to figure out how to do it...based on your income and resources or lack thereof. Others taking responsibility can bring obligation and that can foul the waters.

On my soap box again...Oh, oh...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama