Thanks for this site.

[Sheen]

Hi all
I have been reading your posts for some time now and although I have never posted, I must tell you how happy I am that I came across your site.  I won't bore you with my story because frankly although details might differ the outcome is the same.
I am a mom to four children, now adults , three daughters, one son.  The girls and I all enjoy close relationships in spite of the distance between us. My son is the oldest and the one that I have problems with.  We have not spoken in six years but the six years prior to that were when he slowly decided he no longer wanted a family (his side) in his life. Although we had a very close family unit during their childhood, he no longer sees the need to share his life with me, his sisters, or any relative other than the ones related to his wife.
I think I read somewhere on this site that the feelings we all have are very close to the stages of grief that one goes thru when they lose someone . Giving that some thought, I believe that is very true.
•   Denial (this isn't happening to me!)
•   Anger (why is this happening to me?)
•   Bargaining (I promise I'll be a better person if...)
•   Depression (I don't care anymore)
•   Acceptance (I'm ready for whatever comes)
I guess I must be at that acceptance stage because although I would never of chosen this type of relationship with my son, I accept that it is his life and if that is how he wishes to live it then so be it. I don't pretend to understand nor can I put myself in his shoes because   I can't even comprehend doing this to my Mom when she was on this earth.
At any rate, thanks again for developing this site, it always helps to know that there others dealing with the same situation and are just as confused as I am.   Hugs to all

[luise.volta]

Welcome Sheen...well said. I hear, sense and feel your peace. Acceptance is not condolence, it's survival. Sending love...

[Pen]

But why should some of us have to go through this? My DS didn't die, he just got married. I didn't do anything, DIL just decided she didn't like us after being sweet and nice while using us. See? I often get stuck in "justice" mode. Just once I'd like her FOO to feel what we're feeling! (Not really...I wouldn't wish this on anyone.) This is the rut we can find ourselves in because it's hard to let go of someone you love when the situation/reason makes no sense.

[luise.volta]

Yes, useless suffering and loss to have to take in stride because someone else sets it in motion. Sending love....

[Sheen]

One thing that kind of gives me some peace is although I might not get thru to him, perhaps one of his children will feel the same way later on in life. That will be one of those  AHA moments  ,    I often say to my kids, may your children treat you as you see fit to treat your parents.   I use to sit and think for hours on what I could of possibly done to deserve this treatment from him and after a few years, and my daughters saying nothing , I consider it just one of those life situations I will never understand. 

[Nana]

Sheen

I also admire your strength.  I agree with Laurie...  You dealt with all the grief stages and you made it to acceptance.  It is so hard to let go of our children.  Before being mothers, we were also human beings, complete persons with a life.  As painful as it may sound, there is still life for parents when their children are gone.    Life goes on....and we are all meant to be happy and peaceful,, not only our children.  We were someone's children too.  Do I make sense?

I hope the best for you.

Time will say the last word.....

[Sheen]

Nana, you make perfect sense. Isn't it funny that our kids find it so difficult to think of us in any role other then their moms. I truly believe that they don't think we ever had a life before them but I think this philosphy is more noted now then when we were growing up. I always respected my mom as a hard working woman who dealt not only with her job but her four kids. These days  all I hear about is the stress that they deal with, do they really believe that we didn't deal with stress lol. 
In my case I think it is easier because I live so far away (Scandinavia) and its not like I could just drop in on them .   
I think this site is a great contribution to all moms  and my prayers are with you all.

[Miss Understood]

Sheen. Welcome and so sorry to hear that about your DS. I am like you...I have a great relationship with my girls, we had a great relationship all together with my DS. My girls and their brother were extremely close and then when he married...my girls took her in as another sister. I did the same as a DD instead of DIL. My DH also treated her so lovingly and kind and when her dad wouldn't help her with something...my DH reached in his wallet and took care of it for her...because we made her family. We are not sure what happened that my DS so quickly ripped away with no notice, no explanation, nothing...just silence. I am stuck between the Anger and the Depression stage with small glimpses of Acceptance...even if it is for an hour or so. I don't bargain much because I didn't do anything wrong and I feel I was a spectacular mother and did everything I possibly could for him and even for his wife. I miss my GD so much and am angry they ripped her away from family that loves her so much and her cousins too. I believe there is jealousy involved in my situation between DIL and my oldest DD. They both have children close in age. My oldest DD has a DD 18 months older then DS and DIL's DD. (too many d's) My oldest DD didn't mean to hurt or boss or act like she knew more, but sometimes when you are a new mother...you share what you have learned and I think DIL took offense to it. With me...I think DIL didn't like the closeness I had with my DS and poisoned him to see me as not the perfect mother anymore. I saw things that she did through the past 2 years that made me cringe, but always tossed it up as immaturity or her upbringing. Looking back at them now...that was the beginning of my END! I don't think I will ever truly get to the acceptance part...which frightens me. I miss me. I miss my happiness and joy, I miss the drive to smile, laugh and do something...anything. I am not anything like the mother, wife, friend, sister, daughter or person that I was before. I don't even feel good physically. I see glimpses of me shine through moments at a time...but the wave comes and washes me back out to sea, far away from safety, from land, from civilization. It's hard on everyone else in my life too. Not only do they hurt...they've changed, they live with not only their change, but my change...all our relationships had change. All this...because my DS decided to do whatever he did for whatever his reason.  THIS Grief....I believe it is just as bad as death. Bad thing is with death there is closure and you move on. With this...you wait for a call, a glimmer of him knocking on your door or a sighting in town. It's awful.

[Miss Understood]

Thank you LaurieS. It isn't hard to explain once you get to that point where you aren't as confused and can identify your feelings.
I often wonder of anyway possible our DS's could read, see or understand what their "abandoning" does to their mothers? Would they feel bad, guilty or angry for us infringing on their new lives? Would they even think twice to what they are doing or will they not even recognize it as them?
I am not insisting on the WHY factor....I am just wondering what this is? It's interesting...like why does salmon swim UP stream. Those crazy fish.

[Miss Understood]

I don't know...I thought it was to spawn. I don't know much about salmon except how to cook it

[Pen]

Yum, salmon. This site is amazing I agree. My family became really small due to dad, bro, uncle, & DS marrying & joining their wives FOOs. The women on my side have all passed on. This site helps me feel less alone on those difficult days when I feel like an orphan.

What an international group we are! I love finding out about places beyond my little world.

[Miss Understood]

I just have a question for MIL's only.
How many of you MIL's that are dealing with this crisis did this to your MIL when you were a DIL?
Did you alienate yourselfs? Did you dislike MIL? Was your mother in law cruel and you put up with it?
Just curious...like the salmon story.

Myself, I didn't show meanness, but my 1st husband had 5 brothers and all had mother hen wives that pushed me around and kind of tried to push me out as well because my DH was the baby and they felt that for the 10 years that they were married to the older brothers...they were his mother. Anyway...I was not mean to them...I cried alot and my DH blew it off. I just made more plans to keep us busy and out of their hair...my DH didn't ever question or seem to care. He was fine around my family and that is just the way it was. Ouch! I was 18 though.

[luise.volta]

That is an interesting question. I was a hated MIL by the DIL that married the DS who hated me. And I am the much-loved and cherished MIL b the DIL who married the DSn who thinks I walk on water. And I am the same person. (?)

[Pen]

My first MIL didn't approve of the marriage, and I spent a lot of time trying to prove to her that I was worthy. She didn't do anything overtly horrid to me but did do some passive-aggressive stuff against me. Eventually I realized her DS (my then DH) was the unworthy one, LOL. My now-DH had a wonderful mother who was a good MIL to me If she ever said anything bad about me I never knew about it. She loved her GC and I wanted to do whatever it took for my children to feel all the love and family support they could.

Even with the problems in my first MIL relationship I never would have tried to keep my DH away from his FOO. It never even crossed my mind that such a thing would be possible or even justifiable.

[Nana]

I want to share this story.

When I got married.  So did my oldest brother.  My oldest brother's wife (my sister in law) was really mean to my mom and dad.  My parents were not welcome to my sil's house.   My father was very outspoken, so he talked to my brother and told him that they will not visit them any more because dil was very rude to them.  My brother was schocked, so he spoke to his wife (my sil) and told him that my parents were not coming ever to visit them because of her rude ways.  That it was ok with him, but also told her....that she never dare to bring her parents to their house because he swore he would kick them out of the house.  End of the problem.  She changed completely with my parents and even visited them for coffee every day for the rest of their lives.  They learned to love her very much.   

What do you think?