March 28, 2024, 08:05:47 AM

News:

"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


Please help me see the logic...

Started by cremebrulee, September 10, 2010, 02:10:52 PM

Previous topic - Next topic

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Miss Understood

September 11, 2010, 04:23:36 AM #15 Last Edit: September 11, 2010, 04:25:16 AM by Miss Understood
Oh Creme, You don't have to feel ashamed of having a piece of jealousy in you at all. I know for a fact that your DIL doesn't see your DS's Step mom as a threat to her and she knows it wounds you and that is why she is moving closer to her....it's her weapon against you.

I am in the same boat. I raised my DS, I am the one who worked really hard at ensuring that my DS and his dad had a relationship even though his father did some horrible things to me. I am just that type of forgiving person. All through my DS's life he struggled with his father, for some reason they butted heads. I received phone calls weekly from my ex about how my DS was ignoring him, won't call him back, argues with him, etc. Go figure. I was always supportive to him and his wife....we all became friends in a sense. I thought I could trust my ex and his wife. I helped my DS in develping a relationship with them...I never felt jealous because when My DS and DIL had the baby...I was the one they asked to Babysit and they would come here more and made me feel like "normal" a part of the family. Well...now looking back, I can see the scenario's of the knife and weapons that my DIL uses with my ex and his wife. The comments, the games and now....my ex and his wife are the only ones who babysit besides her mom and they are over there every weekend according to his friends and our whole side gets the silent treatment. What is really proof that DIL is knowing this would upset me is that she used to always say negative things about my ex and his wife. That is why I know this is only because it is being used to punish and hurt me. I mentioned last week that I ran into my ex at a public place and he turned around and ran from me. At first I was so upset and then it dawned on me that he couldn't face me because he knows in his heart the truth and he is happier that he is on top and I am out because he never had it. Your ex and his wife might encouage it because their passive aggression towards you is their punishment as well. You were #1 to your son and this is their way of standing on top of you and being the leaders in a very confusing and controlling way.
You've helped me and now I am bringing stuff to you. Remember....you are his mom and always will be his mom! ALWAYS!!!!!!!

luise.volta

Beloved Creme and Blooming Miss Understood - We all need to remember that there are emotional tides in us that ebb and flow. We are not always strong and rational...because we aren't "always" anything. We are multifaceted and yes, even multidimensional. We have old pockets of hurt that get reactivated and we all have a Soul that doesn't have a spot on it anyplace. Our humanness, in contrast, is covered with polka dots because that's the way we were put together. Self-love is what heals. The love of others is a many-splendored thing but it has a life of it's own, as we have all learned. Talk about ebbing and flowing! When we learn to let others follow their own path and let go of our expectations we grow. We don't do it all the time...we can't...bit we can do it more and more often.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

cremebrulee

Miss Understood
My DIL and I have been getting along fine....and I don't believe she is doing it to hurt me, she wouldn't do that...my son has been calling her mom for a long time, they made him feel like he had to, and I know DIL feels the same, they are very over powering, however, even so, there is no malace meant by it, it just hurts sometime...and I thought perhaps someone might have a suggestion as to how I could deal with it better...my son has been calling her mom since he was 8 years old...I never liked it but had to learn to live with it...I just don't like the woman and probably never will....she's very mean spirited to me, but nice to my son, so, that's all I could ask for....
and she is good to my DIL...I just don't think I'll ever forget what they did to my son...but there have been big changes since then, it was a long time ago...

Louise, thank you, I know what  your saying is true...
just need to move on down the road....


luise.volta

 I can get to that place. I forgive, but I never trust again.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

barelythere

Quote from: luise.volta on September 11, 2010, 01:00:41 PM
I can get to that place. I forgive, but I never trust again.

Me either.  I go in with all the love and trust in the world----would do anything for the person but when I'm slapped down, I never trust that person again.  I do forgive but that doesn't mean I get in the pond and wallow around with them anymore.

luise.volta

Yup, once trust is broken...it's just broken. Forgiveness helps but it's something altogether different.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

cdb

I really like this post and the replies. I use to be a wallower in the pond etc. Without this post, I would have not learned this now or would not have any knowledge of how to change. Love you All! And I will call you mom any day :) You have been like one to me, creme. cdb :)

cremebrulee

Quote from: cdb on September 13, 2010, 04:00:08 AM
I really like this post and the replies. I use to be a wallower in the pond etc. Without this post, I would have not learned this now or would not have any knowledge of how to change. Love you All! And I will call you mom any day :) You have been like one to me, creme. cdb :)

CDB
I'm glad there was something in this post that helped you, and do so appreciate your loving kindness....
Creme

Louise, thank you for the many words which always present food for thought...
Hugs

Scoop

Creme, I think you need your yardstick re-calibrated.  I think that comparing yourself to someone else (i.e. using THEIR yardstick) is the worst thing - you'll never measure up that way.

Because, really, DIL should call you by your first name.  It shows that you are equals.  It doesn't matter what they call StepMom, because that represents their dynamic with her.  Maybe your son was strong-armed into it as a child and now he doesn't feel like he can change it.  And DIL just continued calling her what DS calls her.  You don't know.   Also, haven't you ever just 'clicked' with someone?  Well, maybe DIL and StepMom "clicked".  From your descriptions, it sounds like they deserve each other.  That's a club you don't need to join.

As for DIL 'working', that was just a dig from StepMom.  Change your yardstick.  "Oh I was so glad to be able to spend time with ALL OF THEM.  It's wonderful to see DIL being a mother, she's such a good mother.  It's too bad that DIL couldn't take time off to spend with you."  Do you see that those are 2 sides of same coin?

As for DIL slapping your son.  You know, a friend of mine once said "You'll never hear: "On the next Oprah, Man Takes Wife Out For Nice Dinner".   What it means is that you generally don't hear the 'good things' going on in anyone else's marriage.  You'll hear them complain about their spouses behaviour, but they won't tell you about the apology.  They've obviously negotiated their relationship, and it's working for THEM.  Unfortunately, it's not really any of your business. 

I know it sucks.  Especially when someone's is being abusive.  But, even if the abuse was continuing, you couldn't MAKE him leave her.  All you can do is be supportive and listen and be there to pick up the pieces.   Which is something you can't do if you've burned your bridges.

- - - - Now for something completely different and I know I'm making some assumptions here- - - -

I don't want this to seem like I'm bringing up the past to hurt you, but is it possible that you see all of these things through the filter of your past?   I can see where you would have sensitivity towards 'Mother' issues and violence issues.

You know you were a better Mom than your BioMom.  DS calling another woman Mom doesn't diminish your role.  He doesn't have "Mom" issues, because he had a good Mom.

Is StepMom pushing your buttons especially hard because she's doing things your BioMom would do?

DS has forgiven DIL for hitting him.  He didn't grow up with violence (I think), so getting slapped across the face doesn't mean the same thing to him.  And a woman hitting a man is not the same thing as a man hitting a woman or an adult hitting a child.

Creme - I'm really sorry if I hurt your feelings here.  I'm just trying to make you see things differently.

Pen

Creme, I'm thinking of you. You've got a complicated situation to deal with and you've managed it all with class and grace. Sometimes these emotions catch up with us, and it's OK to have a little setback from time to time. {{{hugs}}}
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

luise.volta

Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

cdb

Sending love too. I am overspilling with stress and I have nothing to give right now, but my best wishes and that I care. cdb