Please help me understand

[Nana]

Kay:

Yes, probably your husband needs to talk to him.  Your son must be depressed....it is not a piece of cake to let go of family regardless  of the reasons.  He has a conflict of feelings and need to know that he is not alone. 

I take care of my gc on Fridays only.  My son and dil work all day.  About 6 months ago, my son came on his lunch hour and told me that he was moving back home because he couldnt get along with wife.  He was so nervous and anxious....I was about to start crying and he said "No mom, dont cry"  I said "Yes, you are right..... I am here for you".  I was so sad for my grandchildren, they ran to his arms and he was c arrying all his clothes in the car so I had to take the children to another room, so that he would bring down his clothing.    He stayed a week with us and visit her and the children...On the 7th day he did not come to sleep to our house.  I assumed he had worked out things with wife....and that was it.  Next day, they came to visit and he returned home.  Sometimes they just need a truce.  He works a lot and is confused. 

Just support him and dont lecture him.  They will work things out.  You can certainly count on my prayers..... I will do that....just now.

Love and hugs for you. 

[Miss Understood]

Kay, I don't know how old your son is or how long they have been married...but let me tell you a story of what happened to me.
I was married to my DS's father (the one that is having problems now) He went out for milk and never came home. I had no idea that this was coming...I was totally blindsided.
We were young, early married when I got pregnant and I already had a child. My ex lied about everything that pertained about himself to me...job, age, family stuff, etc. He was building himself up so big that he lost track of things (I didn't find this out till years later after he left)
Point I am trying to make. He was depressed and his parents and brother knew...they interferred and convinced him his depression was with being married and family and that he should leave and start over...or something to that fact. They got involved and he didn't work through this by himself which most likely gotten him straightened out and he possibly would have worked through this.
I caution you to stay out of his marriage. Depressed or not...you can let him know if he needs to vent your door is open...but if he tells you things out of anger, confusion or anything...that is what you will believe and you WILL interfere, even if you don't intend too. Then...what ever happens...down the road...you may be blamed for it.
I know it is hard to step back, but they are married and grown ups...let them work this out for themselves.
I also got a call from my DIL about a year ago that she told me my DS got mad, threw wedding ring, grabbed his rifle and said he would rather be dead and "CAN I PLEASE CALL HIM" It bit me in the rear for interferring...even when asked. Now I am out. I know too much and they apparently don't need my help...which she lied about the call anyway. Regardless....BE CAREFULL!

[Pen]

Dealing with our adult children is much more difficult than I ever imagined. Please be careful. We're thinking of you.

[luise.volta]

Yes, we are all recommending caution. Sending love...

[Kay]

Hello, In answer to you Miss Understood, my son is 36 his wife is 33 and they have been together for 14 years, married last month 12 years. They have 2 kids who are 12 and 8. I believe the root of all their problems is the fact that they spend too much time apart, he works nights and she works days. And on the weekend they still do not spend enough quality time together. I am going to try not to interfere as I know it would just lead to more problems. I spend alot of time with her and I sometimes wonder if my son believes I would take her side over him. The only side I will take is for my beloved grandchildren who are going to be devastated. Especially the older one who is a very sensitive child. She is having alot of trouble at school with peer pressure and bullying and it is going to be so hard for her. Thank you all for your kind words. I really have no one other than my husband to talk to about this as I don't want to share it with anyone who knows my son and his famiy. Right now my son does not know that we know about it Unless his wife told him she told us. Please keep your kind words coming. It is like a balm on an open wound to read your posts. I feel so alone and anxious, almost panicky. Thank you again and bless you all, Kay

[Miss Understood]

Kay...we all know that feeling you are feeling. Try not to think the worst yet. They aren't divorced and really, if you DS hasn't told you anything and this comes from your DIL who dramatizes everything about her misery...this could be her blown out proportion of the story. Maybe she does this to your DS too. Kids are resilliant...they will over come whatever. You are so much better not even mentioning it or getting involved because if something does happen with their marriage, whether good or bad...you will know too much, would have said too much even if you didn't. Find something else to keep you busy and I would distance yourself from your DIL as much as possible and if she decides she wants to share with you...I'd say kindly, "I rather not know about your marital problems, I love you both and it is none of my business..this is between you and your husband." Leave it at that. Just some advise and I am sure most would agree that you need to stay far away from this one to protect yourself. They'll work it out...they need to just put their big boy and big girl panites on and deal with it! That is my new phrase about my almost 21 year old son...He needs to take the pull ups off and put the big boy pants on. 
Just some humor because I have made it to noon today without crying. Yay!

[Pooh]

Woo Hoo MU!  I'm so proud of you!

[Miss Understood]

Thanks Pooh. I am really trying to not be swallowed by this anymore. I have good days and bad days. Today...I am o.k. and I feel proud of me.
Thanks for the support.

[Kay]

Hello again, My son did not have to work last evening so my hubbie went over to visit to see if son would open up. They first talked about work and sports, guy stuff if you know what I mean. Then my husband said to him hey are you OK you don't seem like yourself and my son says no I am  OK. So it is clear that he does not want to dad about whatever may be going on. Hubby told him if he needs to talk he knows how to get in touch. That is about all we can do. DIL did tell hubby in private that son had said he talked to good friend at work about it. Sometimes friends can give new light that family cannot. Thank you again for your comfort and support. I am emotionally exhausted right now.  Kay

[cdb]

I tend to get like your daughter in law with my daughter in law and I am learning. She offers to be a support etc., but I realize that it may come back and bite me in the you know what. So, good luck. Boundaries are good. My daughter in law will mention that what I say makes her very sad etc. She talks to her mom everyday and I know she tells her mom etc. But, I have backed off as I don't want this to affect my son and her's marriage etc. I also have other support systems now, friends to go to. Her mom offered to lend or buy me a book of daily readings to help. Maybe that is an idea for you to get your daughter in law to get the postitive in her life. Another thing, I isolate alot and feel very alone. That is why I tend to overtalk, over post etc. She may be lonely too. Suggest groups for her to go to. Just another idea. But, there are so many daily reflection small books and callendars a person can read daily or even journal. Maybe you can have her journal and read it once a week and then just comment in it like my counselors have done,, they comment on the side. This is just another idea. I feel for you, yet i am coming from someone who has been in her shoes. cdb