Dysfunction goes alot deeper than the DIL and DS

[Pooh]

Ha ha ha....FSG Unite!  Love it! 

You know MU, I think you said it all while you were venting.  I think you hit on a major thing with all of us!  My light bulb went off reading these posts! 

We are the people that are always trying to be understanding.  We are the ones that offer unconditional support!  We are the ones that will apologize for things that we don't truly know what we are apologizing for.  We are the ones that love them, remain open to them, and are always willing to take them back, no matter what.

Do we think it's possible that they treat us the way they do, because they know, deep down, no matter how they treat us....that we will always be there and love them?   While the people they rally around are the ones that would not, so they try harder to keep them happy?

Arrrrrrrgggggggggggggggggggggggggggg

[barelythere]

HA HA HA HA HA!!! YES!! Pooh, YESSSSS!!  FGS's of the world who are always apologizing for nothing, reaching out to someone even when they have been as cruel to us--- as cruel as can be and trying to see "their side of it", yes, that's us.  It ain't funny, is it?  Without humor, though, I wonder if we'd survive a single second? 

If not for my God given gift of turning everything around to humor, I doubt I'd be alive today.  I never one time had even a cross word with my DIL or ever spoke to him about her in any way except to tell him I loved her.  One time I said, "son, I love (his wife) as much a I love you!"  He said, "thanks, Mom" in kind of a not so happy way.  Don't know what that was about.

I have devoted my life to her, her kids and oddly enough to her FOO. (Not all of my life but since they were married)   She can be a cruel woman, a selfish and cold one.  Note when we moved her out of her apartment in college (my husband, son and other DIL and son) and she never turned a hand. Not one.

She can also be a kind woman, it's according to what she's wanting from them/you at the moment.  She lied to me with my son there last summer. Her husband knows she lied. She knows she lied but I have duct tape on my mouth and am not allowed to speak about it and wouldn't anyway.  My other son was the one she lied about.  You talk about being caught in the middle, I am! 

FGS's! Let's have a convention!  A rah rah session.  Let's have positive notes we keep around the house to reinforce our soon to be kicked out  FSGness.

[Miss Understood]

O.k....Pooh and Barley there....You both are right. I think there is a fine line between scapegoatism and martyrism. I just had a conversation with my DD who also got the wrath from my dad...because she stuck up for herself and made her voice known. Your poor Grandparents and what she didn't and does not do enough of and what she does wrong...same as me, less the hatred dynamics. EVERY one does them wrong....oh, woe is me....though....I am not allowed to feel anything if it creates a shadow on them, shame on me or whoever doesn't bow down to the them, even if they lie and hurt. My DIL too, has the same tendensies...I can see it...though she is passive and quieter, she decides what she wants and if you don't give it to her you might as well be on her OUT list! I thought I had the label on my forhead.
Has any Scapegoat ever stood up for themselves and said "NO"? It's worse than saying o.k. The reprocussions for the standing up just tells them we are crazy in their eyes. How dare you say no? How dare you have a feeling or want to voice your opinion? When you do say what is on your mind and it probably is the right thing...they push you to an argument or an altercation of some sort because we long to be heard...we are such peacemakers that most of the time when we are pushed it is such a large push it is almost unreal.
For me....I'm tired.
I must say I feel as though I am living someone elses life today. There is a sense of calmness or I had a stroke and I just don't feel anymore!

[Nana]

Dear Miss U"

I cant believe you are now being given the silent treatment.  How convenient (my hubby would say).  You will not lose your sanity because we (women) are very strong and are only given what we can take.  Your reacting to a dishonest act from your parents is only normal.  It was a shock! Never expected that, took you out of base.    Forgive your parents (they dont know what they are doing) but move on.  You dont have to apologize for anything.   When I was a newlywed and I had an argument with hubby, I would at the end apologize just for the sake of keeping peace (even when I was sure it wasnt my fault).   My husband would accept the apology and hug me.  I hated that and my tears pouring out.    Doing these only strikes at our self-esteem. 

You are a very luck person because you have your husband that cheers you up.  You are not alone.  Stick to those who love you and nourish your soul.

May God Bless You.


Luise....thanks for your kind words.  You always make us feel special. 


Hugs

[Pen]

Nana, my DH would agree. Miss U, thinking of you.

[Miss Understood]

Good Morning Ladies. I so appreicate all your help and for telling me to keep my chin up. I am really struggling with this one. I am trying to keep my logical head on my shoulders and don't want to analyze this to death, but talking about things that I FINALLY recognize is an eye opener to me and I hope it can help someone else by sharing my story with you.
I have gone through this type of "thing" yearly since I was in my early 20's with my family...so it isn't anything new. Never the less, it hurts more and more each time it happens. I believe that my "tape" of my self image that they created for me begins to play and I start to feel bad about me and somwhow go into that mode of the apologizer, the coward, the one who bends over backwards to plead for a relationship and then look like a total idiot because in the end...I am the one who deserves the apology, I was the one who was disrespected, I was the one who when excused from the table to leave before I did say and do something I would regret was ambushed in the parking lot and I am the one who again, apologized and tried to resolve and got kicked in the face with hurtful words, more lies and then a whopping, "YOU'RE OUT". Again...3 days later I am still searching my heart for a way to resolve and fix this mess...this unfixable mess. Why on earth do I do that. Why do I welcome and allow the abuse to me, to my soul? This is a topic for all of us? Our stories may be different, but we all must do it or we wouldn't be here trying to find some sort of peace or hope that some solution may become evident! I'm an enabler and in turn it broke me...which broke my heart, my spirit and the way I feel about me...it has absorbed the joy in my life and created a black cloud to loom over and happiness because I have a hard time turning the volume down on the tape that is playing, "YOU DON'T MATTER" but....I do matter, I know I don't deserve this and I need to stop the insanity!
Any thoughts on this? This can't be a way to live...it is horrible to go to bed with anxiety and wake up with anxiety and be sandwiched all day with waves of guilt for WHAT?
Sorry for throwing this out there and I hope I don't hit a raw nerve with anyone. Just trying to grow...me...I want to stop terying to fix the dysfunction and am tired of being blamed for the dysfunction.
Thanks for all your support and again for letting me vent. I am trying to take away some of this from DH, he has had enough...very supportive but I know he has had enough!

[Pooh]

MU I think we all have to arrive at "the" place in our lives where we say, "I have given it my all.  I have done everything I can do.  I am at peace with myself in my efforts and it is time to go on with my life."

We are only given one life to live, and it is up to US to live it.  We can not give that power over to someone else.  At the end of the day it comes down to, we are responsible for our happiness, not someone else.  Just think if we took all the energy we have expelled on trying to fix the "unfixable" and gave ourselves permission to use that energy on something we enjoyed? 

[luise.volta]

Amen Pooh! You DO deserve the best. MU, and only you can give it to you. Anguishing over the whys and wherefores of others not giving it to you is a dead end road. And it's also exhausting. Sending love...

[Miss Understood]

It is exhausting and I think that is why my eyes finally popped open. I am tired of being tired.
Thanks for allowing me to vent. When it comes out and I read it again as a third party...I realize how stupid it sounds. I like the fact that I have someplace to come where I can get out my stupid and not be crucified over it. Again...thankyou for letting me vent. I am actually having a terrific day!

[Pooh]

(((Happy Dance.....Happy Dance)))  So glad you are having a good day!

[luise.volta]

WHEE!! 

[Miss Understood]

Today is my birthday and I thought I would be miserable...I'm not! I actually am getting through this day o.k.
NO, better than O.K. I am really having a good day.

[Pooh]

Oh....even better!  "Happy I refuse to age gracefully day!"

[Miss Understood]

Never heard it like that Pooh, but I love it! Thank you very much.

[elsieshaye]

Miss U, best wishes on your birthday.  (You and my son have the same b-day, btw!)