Dysfunction goes alot deeper than the DIL and DS

[Miss Understood]

My Oldest DD told me today that I am because I am the only logical one and when logic meets dysfunction...it scares them to look at themselves and they can't face thre truth...so shoot the messenger

[luise.volta]

Welcome to: www.ScapeGoatsUnite.com! 

[barelythere]

We have a new abbreviation: FSG! Mine are all gone. When people last as long as I have (83) they can outlive their tormentors!   

AHA!!!  Something to aspire to!!! YAY!     A Former Scape Goater!  I vow to outlive them!  They'll be sorry then! 

But if I outlive them, they will all be dead.  Hello?  How are they going to be sorry? 

[luise.volta]

 You are cluttering this up with logic! 

[barelythere]

You are cluttering this up with logic! 

Oh yes, I'm ruining it; they will be dead but I digress....onward!   I vow to outlive them!     Skunks, punks, Beatniks. I could go on but apparently I can't think of anything else to say!  It's a frightful place to be for a ScapeGoatee. 

[Pen]

This thread is very interesting....I wonder if "they" (the scaper) can sense it on "us" (the scapegoats) somehow? I just read an interesting article about oxytocin being produced in larger amounts by compassionate people. Also, sociopaths and other uncompassionate types may produce adequate amounts of oxytocin but their receptors are missing or broken and don't recognize it. I'll try to find the article if anyone is interested.

[Miss Understood]

Pen...I would love to read that article. Funny thing...I am the only one in my family that goes to therapy, reads books on communication and is the first to apologize, forgive and try to make ammends. I do it for me because my view of family is strong. I grew up with hearing, "blood is thicker than water." "without family, you have nothing." And "Forgive others so your sins may forgiven"
My poor DH woke up this morning to go to work, kissed me and said, "Honey...I love you...you are not wrong and you are always the one that tries to do the right thing. Take a deep breath today and believe in yourself and stop letting all this toxic behavior cloud your good senses."
That is what I am going to stand on today...as sad as I feel...this is not unusual to be kicked out of my family and get the silent treatment from them when they don't get their way or when they do something wrong and want to justify it by putting blame elsewhere, trying to convince others of their righteousness and superiority...It just seems to be always me that gets thrown to the dogs. I am tired and worn out. I don't want to make logic with the unlogical anymore. Just 6 months ago, my mom had a melt down and told me she hated me. It took a lot of forgiveness and trying to understand how she would ever say something to me...her daughter. I feel so foolish and so unloved right now.
Sorry ladies...I said I was going to be strong....but I am so hurt, the tears just started to pour 

[Sunny1]

Miss U, what a wonderful and encouraging husband you have. What a blessing it must be to wake up to a kiss and such kind words.

In the midst of your ongoing cycle of silent treatment from family members it is good that at least you have seen the pattern and do not take part in such immature behavior.  Its a shame that your son learned it from his grandmother. But take heart in the man who comes home to you everyday.

You can't change others, but look around you...I have a feeling you are truly blessed..

(((hugs)))

[Miss Understood]

Thank you Sunny. I am blessed. Sad thing is I most likely validated this awful behavior my whole life...I kept going back and WANTED a relationship. Each time I begged, begged them to forgive me even if I did nothing wrong and everytime I lost my self worth. FSG! That's me!

[miss_priss]

Miss U - I have said this before, but I will say it again.  Blood may be thicker than water, but using the "family tie" to excuse awful behavior is nonsense.  No one has the right to treat people badly, that that includes family.  Why are you continuing to allow yourself to be their punching bag? 

You don't have to hit back, but you CAN pull yourself out of this awful situation...now, if you just WILL! 

[Miss Understood]

It's not that I am allowing me to be their punching bag...it just happens. I was so blind sided the other night. It was a very nice night, all things were good and then when I saw the pictures on my mom's camera and she lied to me and it was like I was ambushed. Even when I excused myself from the situation and tried to leave...my brother ambushed me in the parking lot. Regardless, it doesn't matter...to them I am wrong for how I reacted (they said I went balistic...which I DID NOT) I am tired of everyone making horrible excuses for their horrible behavior and it all falling on my shoulders. I have carried this my whole life and it really isn't that I allow it...it just happens. I am sure there is someone else out there that understands what I am saying. It's beyond comprehension when you are told your entire life how wrong you are and how you ruin everything. It's unfathomable.

[Pen]

We are hard-wired to crave the protection and love of a family...long ago our survival depended on it. For those of us who didn't experience a supportive, loving FOO it's a difficult thing to quit trying and walk away. Even children of abuse are drawn back to their FsOO. We're like Charlie Brown and the football.

I think that's also what makes a "cut from the herd" DIL such a threat; we finally created a loving family and experienced some of that unconditional support, and then SHE came along.

It was devasting to me to realize that not only did I not have a FOO anymore (dad long ago married stepmom and morphed into her family; his stepchildren/stepgrandchildren are golden, we are poo) I now no longer had my own family since DS has been engulfed into DIL's FOO. I'm too old to have more kids, LOL. On a very primal level I worry about my family's 'survival.'

It always cracks me up when I notice knuckle-dragger tendencies in my oh so sophisticated and modern self 

[barelythere]

We are hard-wired to crave the protection and love of a family...long ago our survival depended on it. For those of us who didn't experience a supportive, loving FOO it's a difficult thing to quit trying and walk away. Even children of abuse are drawn back to their FsOO. We're like Charlie Brown and the football.

I think that's also what makes a "cut from the herd" DIL such a threat; we finally created a loving family and experienced some of that unconditional support, and then SHE came along.

It was devasting to me to realize that not only did I not have a FOO anymore (dad long ago married stepmom and morphed into her family; his stepchildren/stepgrandchildren are golden, we are poo) I now no longer had my own family since DS has been engulfed into DIL's FOO. I'm too old to have more kids, LOL. On a very primal level I worry about my family's 'survival.'

It always cracks me up when I notice knuckle-dragger tendencies in my oh so sophisticated and modern self 

Oh Pen! I so can relate! 

[Miss Understood]

Pen....so true about the worry of family survival. I was thinking the other day how nice it would be to have a family reunion...only because I know someone who just came back from one. Bad thing is...when my husband and I started wondering who would come, he said, "It's just like everyday dinner at the house." He made me laugh...my family is getting smaller and smaller. I grew up in a large family...but my parents dysfunction chased away all the aunts, uncles and cousins and we haven't seen them since childhood and then everytime we have some sort of family gathering...it ends in some brawl or hurt feelings or drama, so no one wants to do it anymore. I was told yesterday, right before my dad say I was out of thier lives (again)...thanks for ruining another holiday. I pondered all night thinking, "did it ever cross your mind that if you didn't lie to me and lie when you got exposed/caught...none of this drama would be happening?" But, NO.....it's easy to blame the Scapegoat.
Maybe I should change my name from Miss Understood to Miss Scapegoat, Miss 2blame, Missed the boat!

[Sunny1]

There's nothing wrong with wanting the support of your family. I used to wonder why my family never had reunions or large get-togethers as I was growing up, but it didn't take long for me to realize that it's just not something my family 'does'. We're all supportive of one another but for various reasons we just don't have one of those tight knit extended families.

Knowing my husband for as long as I had it was different in his family.  They always have large extended family gatherings,  and I loved that...but what I didn't know until later, was that it wasn't picture perfect either and his family all live on the motto that "family is everything "....guess who's the outsider and the new official FSG..(catchy term, I'll have to learn to embrace it somehow.) 

So, I'm right there with you Miss U. Thank goodness for this website and hubbys' with the instinct to give you early morning kisses of encouragement.