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Started by barelythere, September 09, 2010, 02:18:16 pm

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Miss Understood

Just want to apologize for typos, etc in my posts...I am typing on my phone and my old eyes and my big fingers don't do so well. I'm sure you can figure it out. Hahaha! :))


Your progress makes my heart sing! That's what healing is all about' perspective. The circumstances don't change, we do. We step up to the plate, let go of our attachment to being right and being the victims of being wronged...and we take responsibility for our own happiness. It's not easy and it isn't usually smooth sailing but we find our own strength when we shift our focus. You are a WWU Poster Child!  ;D Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


Quote from: Miss Understood on September 25, 2010, 04:49:24 am

Sunny1...we learn so much in life from 20-30 and then from 30-40 and then 40-50 and Luise, please correct me if I am wrong...life is a learning lesson everyday and we never actually reach that point we know everything or have it all figured out. What I am saying is...re-think everything in you...change you...try things different...find what works for you. Life doesn't have to be black and white, one way or the other and knowing your MIL's personality, don't buy into it and don't take any ownership with it, set some appropriate boundaries and work at changing you in the relationship, what she does is her...you don't have to play that game.

I hope someday to be as wise as Luise.. :) Sadly, I think I had a much more open mind before all the chaos with my MIL started, I kept having to give in and compromise way beyond what was appropriate because my DH refused to believe his mother was doing anything less than what was in his best interest. (Apparently the multi-billion dollar wedding industry has it all wrong, and my MIL is right.) *sarcasm* I never bought into her, and I wanted to set boundaries, DH wouldn't. A lot of our problem has been there. And heck, I'd like to change me back into the person I was before all of this, I was a lot more trusting, I have my guard up again. It took me years to knock down my defensive walls after leaving my ex-husband, I never would have thought something like this would cause me to go into defensive mode, but it has...they really backed me into corner. And I'm talking about my in-laws and my DH, I feel like so much cof this could have been avoided if he would heve had the cahones to stand up to her, but he did just the opposite.

Quote from: Miss Understood on September 25, 2010, 04:49:24 am
Sometimes it just is what it is and you made a comment that you would mend things is your DS ever did this...well, hopefully you won't have to because you are gathering so much wisdom here that you will bw wise and see things before it happens or have the tools to tackle it better by being better equiped than most of us who were blindsided...but as a DIL..from a MIL, maybe she wants to fit in and just doesn't know how because what she knows and what she does is all she knows. Look deeper...honey, you have to be happy but true cutting out doesn't make things better...really, it may sound easier and be a quick fix, but sometimes the best relationships can take a lifetime to see why it's there to begin with. I am totally not saying she is right and you are wrong...what I am saying is that I think you are wise and can be wiser and learn you and change things one minute at a time, to one hour at a time, one day at a time and so on.Sometimes our logical side gets clouded with anger and pain. My best wishes are with you. Really...you will look back at this and you will grow from it if you allow. There is a reason for everything and it usually isn't what we think it is..

I know you're saying that as wishful thinking, but truly, my MIL had no intention of fitting in. I can only guess at what her intentions were and I have some pretty good assumptions, but really, my MIL is just a conniving manipulative selfish woman whose intentions toward DH and I were not meant for good...that much was extremely clear. Cutting her out was a last resort, my marriage is in shambles due to her behaviour and DH's inability to see it for what it was, it really felt like he had a mistress for a mother and she was always put before me. (And before anyone gets upset about that comparison, my ex cheated on me too, so yes I know what that feels like)It was really warped, and I know she knew exactly what she was doing, she's arrogantly hypocrital. I don't regret cutting her out, it needed to be done. In my would've, should've, could've, frame of mind I reallly believe if DH had set boundaries with her in the beginning it would't have had to come to this, but it has. So, really my problems go far deeper than my MIL...she's the least of my worries now. I'm working on repairing my marriage and the anger and resentment I have toward my DH, and also somewhere I'd like to be able to gain some more respect for him...he completely lost my trust and respect thru all of this.


The bottom line is always survival and preserving (or healing) the relationship that has been damaged. Whether it is a DIL or a MIL that has wrecked havoc, we have to pull back, regroup and see how we can go on. 

Wherever there are no boundaries and where earlier relationships were to some degree pathological, work has to be done. It usually isn't easy or pretty. Many of us become disillusioned and more than weary; exhausted is a better word.

And yes, we are always (as are those around us) a continued work-in-progress. I am 83 and still on a learning curve that often looks more like a cliff than a curve!

Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


Quote from: Anna on September 24, 2010, 07:08:54 am
Sunny1, I think your honesty is great, but I don't think your FB post was.  I don't think FB is the place for any of that kind of stuff, not by you or your in-laws.  It is just wrong.  FB is suppose to be a network to socialize.  As I learned, by posting an inspirational comment, directed to a cousin, but taken as a personal attack by my ndil, everyone takes things differently, & you should consider how everyone of your friends might take something before posting it.  Words cannot express how shocked I was by ndil's reaction.  My hubby does not like all the open ended status's that people post like, "I'm sad", or "why did you have to do that", or "I'm not very happy", etc.  He wants to know why your sad, why who had to do what, & why you're not happy.  Like I'm not very happy cause my cat knocked over my plant & made a big mess.  That sort of thing.  He wonders why people make all the open ended comments.  Hubby doesn't have a FB account but I read some of the things to him.  I think the open ended comments are to see how people will respond, & to bring attention to the poster.  Just my opinion.

Hi, Anna!  I agree with you whole heartedly.  Some people use their FB status with open ended comments just to arrouse curiosity so people will ask what's wrong.  I notice when my dil does that people will often respond, "let's get together for lunch real soon" or something like that so they can get the scoop.  Imho it is just a vehicle to get people to pull the gossip out of you so it appears that you are hesitant to say anything about the other person, but your friend persuaded you to talk.  There's a word for that......oh, yeah....manipulation. 
Also, I feel sad for you that your sons don't stand by you after all your love and devotion to them.  I feel the very same way about our ds.  I'm struggling, but pulling back.  I wonder if he'll ever notice.  Hugs, Hope


Oh, Anna...sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


Quote from: Anna on September 25, 2010, 07:14:23 pm
Thanx Hope.  I still have not heard from my ods & it has been two & a half weeks.  My cousin's grandfather died (last weekend) about a week after I put my inspirational quote on FB, the quote was to her about my dad & her grandparents (my dad & cousins gm are siblings, & cousins gf used to be my dad's best friend) not speaking for over 15 years.  It said "The weak never forgive.  Forgiveness is an attribute of the strong".  He died & they never resloved their differences.  So sad....  My ndil thought I was trying to get her & my dil to like each other, went on FB, used foul language, &, well it was awful.  Ndil thought I was saying that she was weak, I guess.  I don't really know what went through her head, but I do know as soon as I saw the foul language I dropped her off my friend list.  She then retaliated by dropping me of my sons FB list.  She apparently has total control over his FB account.  Because of this, & some things said in the heat of the moment she said I am done with your _____ing mother.  My ndil has only known of me for about a year, my son had an on/off relationship with her for about a year, (if even that long) when they got married.  In that year they may have been actually together for 5 or 6 months.  My yds told me that ods was doubting getting married right up to the last minute.  Honey, if you had any doubts, you shouldn't have gotten married!!  They don't even really know each other.  Now, because of this, I don't know when, or if, I will hear from my ods.  I feel that this is a silly thing to cut off a mil for.  So what if I WAS trying to get my dils to like each other, what is so wrong with that?  Ndil sent me a message that said if I choose to hold a grudge there is nothing you can do about it, I will decide who I like & who I don't, not you.  She went on to say that she won't kiss anyones behind (using nicer language here).  My post was not about her, but what if it was?  Would it be so wrong to want my dils to like each other?  I just can't believe that ods would want to end his relationship wh his Mom.  We talk about everything, have great debates, have been through a lot in his lifetime.  We have always been there for him.  Can he sure that his new wife will always be there for him?  Only time will tell what will happen.  I wish he would call........... :'(

Oh, boy, Anna.  What an assumption your ndil made......and how blown out of proportion it became.  I feel bad for you b/c all you want is to have your sons and their families in your life - you aren't trying to compete with your dil's or take your sons away from them - geesh!  I wish everyone could understand that us parents just want happiness for our adult children and want to still have them be a special part of our lives.  I realize there are the exceptions to the rule - I know there are some very selfish parents out there that are messed up and have their own agenda that has their interests in mind and only theirs - but they are the exception to the rule.  I don't think anyone with that mindset would seek out help from this forum - from what I can see the people here are hurting deeply in the loss of their children and have given much of themselves out of true love for them.  I can see you only want harmony in your family and happiness for all.
Big hugs, Hope


Oh Anna, what a mess! I'm so sorry!