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This is my story

Started by belweav, September 14, 2010, 04:16:28 PM

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miss_priss

Belweav - your story is a sad one, and I hope it gets better.  I'm a DIL here, and I hope you won't be offended by my perspective.  It's only that, my perspective.

When people marry (or get into serious relationships), there are more "roles" created than just husband and wife, MIL, FIL, etc.  There are existing roles as sons, daughters, friends, siblings, etc. that we have to strive to maintain as well.  I've been doing a lot of research lately, and I've found that the inability or incapacity to maintain our previous roles, and be accepting of the new ones simultaneously, can be a huge factor contributing to the fact that about 15% of marriages fail within the first year, 50% fail overall.  Research has shown that "in-law issues" are very often a contributor. 

But it really is a balancing act of responsibilities of ALL parties.  Sons and daughters alike have a responsibility to their FOO's to maintain a level of love and appreciation.  Parents have a responsibility to support and love their children, but also have the responsibility to step out of the "#1" role in their childrens's lives, in order for the new couple to focus on making one another "#1."  SILs/DILs have a responsibility to their IL's to accept and adopt some of their customs and share parts of their lives with ILs.  ILs have a responsibility to accept SILs/FILs into their own "herds."  Parents and ILs alike have the responsibility to the children to maintain healthy boundaries, while the children have the responsibility of keeping "reasonable" boundaries.  All parties involved have the burden of maintaining open communication with respect.  These are only examples of those roles and responsibilites...there are LOTS of them for each person.  And those responsibilities and expectations for all parties involved have to be fluid and flexible for the whole darn thing to work! 

It's my observation through reading literally hundreds of stories, responses, and articles (on this site and others), that it's when one or more parties 1) fails to complete their responsibilities, 2) crosses the boundaries, 3) becomes less flexible, and/or 4) fails to maintain reasonable communication...that those In-Law issues root and grow.  And ONE person who fails will throw off the entire system, and the other participants respond accordingly, in ways that are either healthy OR unhealthy to the system.  Quite often, the actions, then reactions, then reactions, then reactions, then reactions leave the whole system so out-of-whack that we don't know how or when it broke or at what point to go back to repair it....and that's when we start to point fingers.  By that time, it's too late for any one person to take all of the blame, because our reactions to that person perpetuated the problem.  And more often than not, more than one person has reacted to the initial problem...which means that the initial problem has spun into something huge!  How do you stop a hurricane, one that just keeps turning, churning, and getting bigger and more chaotic as more people and issues contribute to it?

The only way I can think of is for all parties involved to agree to disagree and start over.  Its easier said than done though, and in "cutoff" situations, there is at least one person who's not willing to do this, and it could be ANY of the involved parties who intend to hold on to that grudge. 

Sometimes the hurricane sucks you up and takes your for a ride, even when you DID perform your own responsibilities.  I know that understanding the "hurricane" doesn't make coping with it much easier, but I've found that understanding it will at least help me be more aware of my own roles and responsibilities in my relationships.  IMHO, no one performs their "roles" perfectly, and I think everyone on this site has defaulted on their responsibilites at some point either intentionally or inadvertently, including myself.  I think it's when one or more parties lose the "flexibility" that "cuttoffs" occur.     



     

cremebrulee

September 17, 2010, 11:42:55 AM #16 Last Edit: September 17, 2010, 11:45:55 AM by cremebrulee
Miss Priss,
this was an excellent post...thank you for sharing

very well written and explained!!!!



Pooh

September 17, 2010, 12:30:50 PM #17 Last Edit: September 17, 2010, 12:33:40 PM by Pooh
Very nice post MP and you make some great points.

I too love to do research and have read everything I can get my hands on.  It's been my observation that the entire crux of most of our issues with either MIL or DIL here, seems to be that most of the give is from one side, and most of the take from the other side.  My friends and family that don't have MIL or DIL issues are those where each side has found a balance of give and take. 

I do have an opinion on the playing the roles perfectly thing.  I don't think it is about being perfect or never making a mistake.  Everyone makes mistakes, on both DIL and MIL side.  I can forgive a mistake.  I can accept that an individual makes multiple mistakes.  I make them all the time in all aspects of my life.  The difference is I learn from them, apologize for them and am not purposefully cruel.  Being purposefully spiteful and cruel is not a mistake, that is a choice.  And it seems that in most of our stories, someone is being manipulative or purposefully cruel.  It could be in the form of disrespect, emotional blackmail, taking advantage of someones love, generosity or just being flat out mean.  I did make some mistakes with my DIL, but it was out of anger and hurt over her actions.  I went on the defense and self-preservation course in the beginning.  I spoke to her harshly on a couple of occasions in reaction to her behavior, and basically walked off from her Mother a couple of times.  Did that endear her to me or me to her?  No, it started our relationship off badly.   I will accept my responsibility that there were definitely better ways to handle the situations.  But at the moment, it was a reaction to the issue at hand.

It is hard to separate your emotions, hate, anger, resentment, or hurt feelings when you do not understand how some one can cut you out of their lives, and feel no remorse as my DIL has.  She lacks character and empathy and it has absolutely nothing to do with our family. There may be legitimate reasons for her personality (from her childhood or such) and I can be understanding of why someone is how they are.  But that is not an excuse to treat others cruelly.  Life is hard and life is not fair.  Do I have demons from my childhood?  Yes, I do.  Does that get me a "get out of jail" free card to hurt people?  No, but for every bad part of my life, there has been a hundred good parts.  I have made the choice to be very self-aware of what the bad parts caused me, what personality traits they gave me, and work on myself. 

As far as my DS, its never been a matter of him picking her over me or wanting him to pick me or her...he's grown and married and she's his choice. I want him to be happy but I'm not going to be disrespected either.  By either one of them.  Thus the decision to not contact them and wait to see if they grow up.  I guess you could call that a "cutoff" but I prefer to think of it as a very long time out.  So although I agree with you that understanding someone gives you a better perspective on their behavior sometimes, and maybe help you deal with your MIL or DIL in a different way, it only works if the person understands themselves.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

luise.volta

Please remember that you don't have to "give them a reason." They will make one up. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Pen

Quote from: Pooh on September 17, 2010, 12:30:50 PM
.  I guess you could call that a "cutoff" but I prefer to think of it as a very long time out.  So although I agree with you that understanding someone gives you a better perspective on their behavior sometimes, and maybe help you deal with your MIL or DIL in a different way, it only works if the person understands themselves.

I love it, Pooh, a "long time out" instead of a "cutoff." Much less drastic. I'm picturing a very disgruntled MIL/DIL sitting in a time out chair in the corner. ;D
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

belweav

Actually I am. He has never allowed anyone to be abusive towards me. I know it has been hard for him watching me hurting. and I love him for that.

We have been married 32 years. I was 16 and he was 19 so we've been together for a while.

Pooh

Oh Pen!  Thanks for that visual.  A bench in a corner labeled "time out bench", the size being for a child, and our grownup MILs or DILs sitting there, arms crossed, sulking....OH LOL!!! ;D

Belweav, that is wonderful!
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Nana

Bealweave


I am so sorry all this is happening you.  I know the feeling you mentioned about you expecting to have an excellent relationship such as the one you had with mil.  I thought so too at the beginning.  My mil and I are still close friends.  I watched my mother also be a wonderful mil to my sisters-in-law.  I really thought when I was starting a family (marriage) that this was the way it was all the time.  New nothing then.   

I wish you the best of luck and do not lose hope.  Sometimes things do get better. 

You are also very lucky to have your husband that cares about you.   

By the way I have 34 years married to the same man.  And it seems as five minutes (but under water lol).  That is why I sometimes think that husbands should be more important to us than our own children because they (the good ones) will stick to us forever and support us when we are having problems with our grown children.   

My children are the most important persons in my life but I know that they can be so unworthy and ungrateful.   But as someone posted.  Its in our nature. 
Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove:
Shakespeare

belweav

Sometimes it is hard for my husband because he is the one who put his foot down and said no more.
And yes, I think that we as mothers tie so much of ourselves into our children because of the years of raising them.
To be honest, I suffered greatly from the empty nest syndrome because through out the years my husband was more involved with his mother and grandmother than he was with his own family.
Yet again my MIL has been a cheerleader for me over the years and I've learned that she was not in competition with me. My husband just couldn't cut the ties.
It's sad if you think about it. The ladies here struggle with all of this because I think they truly love their ds and felt that the family circle was becoming complete with the addition of a dil. It is a shock when it doesn't turn out that way.

I know that I really liked my dil but suspected this was coming because she had already made sure I didn't call my son. We did walk on eggshells around her because we never knew what would set her off. You could actually track when she was on her period because that time of the month was treacherous and most of the problems arose during that time.


Miss_Priss
I do agree with you. Is funny because my mistake was believing that everyone was making the adjustements that you were talking about. We removed ourselves or I should say that my husband removed us because he wants them to not have us as a reason to have problems in their marriage.
She found ways to make everything our fault even though we would sit and hold her hand and tell her that they could work things out.
I might add one of the problems were the son she had from the her first relationship. He never helped actually made things worse because he had never been disiplined as a younger child.
However your insight is valuable because it is obvious that you have really thought about these issues. Never stop learning. We need that kind of insight.