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Need Advice

Started by cremebrulee, August 19, 2010, 07:48:48 AM

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Pooh

I always want to hear what you think!  Good or bad.  That's exactly what we have say to each other.  That we would not have appreciated each other if we didn't know what it was like to not be appreciated.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

cremebrulee

September 09, 2010, 04:38:14 AM #16 Last Edit: September 09, 2010, 05:01:30 AM by cremebrulee
Good Morning Girls...
I'm bringing this thread back up, b/c I'm still having problems with this neighbor.  I've tried talking to her in general, telling her the last thing I want to do when I come home from work is go visit people or talk to people...I've got chores to do....however, she still calls me and says, I'm coming over, and if I allow her to, she sits, sits, sits, and doesn't leave.  She is smothering me....she makes very inappropriate comments.....here are some things she does.

4 of us girls were sitting in a resturant, and they asked me what they could bring to our dinner party we were having....I said, anything you want...one of the girls said she was bringing a dessert....I said OK, and the other said what they wanted to bring....then this woman says, I'm bringing a dessert to....and I looked at her and said, Well, there are only going to be 4 of us this time, we don't need two desserts?  She opened her mouth as if I tore off her arm, and acted out....so I said, ok, you girls work it out....so the other woman who first said she was bringing a dessert, said, well then, what am I going to bring, and one of the girls who was really disgusted said, "bring pickles and olives". 

Last night my sister called, and this woman was walking her dog, she walks up to my open window, behind me and yells through the window..."I see you!" real loud, without any consideration for my privacy. 

God, this woman is driving me nuts, she calls me sometimes twice a day...if I'm home sick, she calls me and I tell her, I don't want to talk now, I was sleeping....??????

Now, let me tell you, talk about small worlds....she says to me, "I was telling my brother about you, and he says he thinks he knows you".  I asked her what her maiden name was, and when she tells me, to myself, not outloud I go, "OMG, no wonder!"  We used to live in an apartment complex years ago, when my son was little and there were a great group of people living there...however, her brother lived there with his wife, and everyone disliked him emensely.  He was a nosy busy buddy and used to do and say off the wall stuff like his sister....and no matter how hard you'd try to avoid him, you'd actually have to be nasty to him for him to get the picture, and even then, afterwards, he'd start up again.  I really don't believe they're parents taught them that other people have personal boundaries, and this woman is presently driving me nuts.

She waits and watches for me, and asks me why I was over at so and so's house...and why don't I ask her to do favors, instead of so and so, and by the way, so and so and I, clicked from the first moment we met and have been close friend since.  It's like we've known each other all our lives.

So, I allowed this woman to do me a favor, by picking me up to have my car worked on, and on the way back she pretends to run off the road...swearving...and I almost literally pee'd my pants....sorry, but it scared the begeezes out of me, and I told her, I was in 4 accidents, none of which were my fault and it's difficult to drive with others, let alone her pullling a stunt like that...?  Really mad me angry, but she just kept laughing?????

OK, so she has already made some comments about so and so....which I don't like at all.....and now, the other night she was waiting for me, and invited herself along with me to walk our dogs together...that alone makes me crazy....as I enjoy my alone time and find in very necessary in my life......I love being alone...and she is really driving me nuts.....if she sees me leaving in the car...."Where are you going"  If we, (my dog and I) walk past her house, she invites me in, and when I say, no thank you, I've got to get going, she starts mocking me about my schedule....or if I say, I'm having company for dinner, then it's, "whose coming"?????  I should come right out and tell her none of your business....I'm very close to screaming, and it's really interferring with my personal peace and quiet....everytime I turn around or do something, she is there??????

Where I live, most every one keeps to themselves....the single girls there are not smothering in the least.....this woman relies on family and has no friends, and I know why?  However, she only lost he husband a year ago, and I feel sorry for her, however, I cannot be her rock, and she is overly co-dependent on the lives of others....she drives me nuts, the littlest things bother her, and she talks about nothing, b/c her world is so small....like her daughter said to her, that she was ignoring this man they wanted her to meet, and she goes on and on about this, and kicks the dog until it's dead and keeps on kicking it, and when I say to her really frustrated, "Leave it go, it's a little thing", she keeps on going...she doesn't hear what your saying....

As I explained, I tried talking to her in general, telling her that I can't be smothered, but for some reason, when I'm nice to her, she feels entitled to interfer with my life????

I don't want to be nasty to her, and I'm sorry to say, I'm starting to really not like her? 
However, she has no friends and I've included her in our group to give her something to do, to help her meet the other gals....but I feel she is really getting on they're nerves at times....?

From time to time, I host a dinner and movie night for us all and we go out to eat every Friday night and have invited her...and perhaps this isn't a big thing, but the last time we all got together, she was watching her grand daughter, and asked if she could bring her along....and I said, sure, b/c I love kids....but I don't believe one of the other girls liked it....and well....it didn't bother me, and we watched Marmaduke for her sake....b/c I won't watch something that is inappropriate for children

So, what the heck shall I do....I know I'm playing the victim here, but there is another side to this, I feel bad for her b/c she is alone, however, I feel like I'm going to explode and say things to her that are not nice. 

She is way over stepping her boundaries, and she complains, complains, complains and tells me all about her finances, and personal things, I don't want to hear or know. 

She has a very enjoyable humorous side to her, but loves to sit and complalin about EVERYTHING...and really doesn't wants answers, just loves to complain....and actually asks for your opinion, however, doesn't like it when you give it to her...and looks for all the reasons why she should not do what you've suggested?????  God, those kind of people really make me crazy?

HELP?????????

About me:  I know it is going to sound weird, but I don't need people...I am socializing all day at work and on the phone, and my alone time is so valuable to me....it's my sanctuary....along with my home....I used to love where I live, b/c everyone keeps to themselves....they are nice and friendly and talk now and then, however, they are not clingy....nor do they call all the time or stop by all the time....





Sunny1

Oh my, Creme....she sounds like a doosey.

I think as woman we often have that need to fix things nature about us, our empathy runs deep, doesn't it? Come to think of it though, it sounds as though that may be part of what she is lacking.

If both she and her brother carry these same odd traits, you're probably right on about her lack of a proper upbringing as well. However, I fear there may not be a pretty fix to this.

Clear and frank boundaries and being forceful with them might be an option. It sounds as though she's never had them. when she calls tell her, "friend I'm busy today, call me in x amount of days when I have more time", then when she doesn't comply and calls later in the day, it's time to be very assertive. Remember, she has no empathy for your feelings,  just self pity...so I hate to say don't count on her understanding, but I'm going to say it anyway...Creme, don't count on her ever understanding.  :-\

Sometimes...you just can't teach and old dog new tricks, especially if she's too engulphed in kicking her dog to death. Maybe it's time to let the friendship go for the sake of your peace and sanity.

(((hugs)))

cremebrulee

September 09, 2010, 06:35:55 AM #18 Last Edit: September 09, 2010, 06:38:30 AM by cremebrulee
yeah, well that's the hard part....I know your right, but letting the relationship go, I don't think is an easy option, she lives right next to me....well, actually across the street, and she can see my place from her home.  Plus, when I invite the girls, she will see that they are there, and Sunny1, I would hate for her to hurt.....
however, maybe if I explain to her, that if she continues this behavior, that will be the end result?  Maybe it will wake her up...however, she is older, and you can't teach an old dog new tricks....and she does have a valid health problem....maybe some how, I can figure out how to deal with the little things, like the telephone calls, and make her understand, that I don't want her or need her in my life every single day....?  Somehow, without hurting her feelings.....I know the night she came out with her dog, I said to her, "I've got to go the other way, otherwise, my dog won't go, he'll be to excited to play, and this is our last walk before we go to bed"....I know she was hurt, I could feel it, however, she has got to learn....she can't smother people....and no one else there would put up with this....these people really do keep to themselves.....matter of fact, one of my friends asked me how I put up with it...and I just smiled and said..."oh well?"  LOL

This poor woman has no girl friends and I understand why.....and actually, I feel sorry for her, and yet, I feel sorry for me to...so, I've got to figure out something? 


Pooh

Dang Creme.  Wow...there really is no easy way out of this one.  You have tried all the "nice" things and she's still not getting it.  I'm afraid you are only going to be left with one solution, and that is to completely cut her off.  Coming over all the time, phone calls and such is something you could deal with, but asking where you have been and who is coming over, etc...is definately crossing the line.  She is obsessing and that's not good.

I know you want to be nice and I would too, but it sounds like nice isn't going to work with her.  Time to be stern and do what you suggested.  Tell her that if her bahavior keeps up, you can no longer be friends because it is disruptive to your life.  It stinks because you live across the street, but you have been a good neighbor and friend including her and trying to make her understand.

We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

miss_priss

LOL - Creme, I can understand where you're coming from.  And I'm sorry, I'm giggling a bit right now, because my grandmother is having the same exact issue with the lady that lives accross the hall from her at the assisted living house.  My grandmother is just the sweetest lady, she's a true old-fashioned, well-mannered "southern belle."  I've never heard her speak harshly of another person in my entire life.  She just says "well, bless her heart!"  She's such a peach!

But I went to visit her just a few days ago and she invited me into her room, quietly closed the door, and whispered to me "I've got a new neighbor-lady accross the hall.  She's been here a week and she's driving me bonkers!"  Apparently Miss Eva had already barged in on grandmother's canasta game, invaded her space enough that my dear-old-sweet-grandmother had already slammed the door in her face....twice!  LOL - while we were talking, Miss Eva gently knocked on the door, but didn't wait for an answer, she just came on in.....and then reached for my little girl!  Miss Eva seemed like a sweet lady, but eventhough my grandmother was as sweet as sugar to her in front of me, I could tell that below the surface she was just boiling because miss Eva had interrupted her family visiting time. 

Bless her heart, she asked me what she could to to tell this lady to leave her alone but I honestly had no advice for her, other than to maybe try to embrace the company and companionship.  My grandmother loves company, its always been "the more the merrier," but I know not everyone is like that.   
 
I wish I had something to offer you Creme!  Just know that you're not alone!  :)

cremebrulee

it's ok miss priss, laugh away..... :'(

Just kidding you, I kinda giggled to....and I do wish I could retain this humor when things start to happen, like when she called in my window last night, "I seeeeeee You!"  and scared the beejesus out of me....it really made me mad, but today I can laugh at it....

but it's so darn annoying, yanno? 

your grandmother and I could compare notes...

bless her

Hugs and many thanks

Creme


Orly

Oh my!  Creme, I do believe you have gotten a clinging vine attached to you.   We have all seen these girls in high school and college with their dependence on the men in their lives.  Now that her "support" brace of a husband has passed on, she clings to the closest person that smiles at her and treats her humanely.   Never mind the fact that you are smothering under the needs of a "bind weed".

If you are not planning on becoming this woman's SO(and it sounds like SHE wants you to be), you are going to have to pull out that independent spirit and step on her toes.  It is time she faced her own fears, paid her own bills (without telling you and the whole world about them) and learn to entertain herself.  If she is unable to do this, give her the name and number of a good therapist.....since your shop is closed until further notice. 

She is waaaay past the age of adoption and YOU have earned your own freedom from child-rearing.   It creeps me out that she is turning into a stalker/peeping Thomasina.  Your plans are not her plans....do not fret over not including her when you have your company.....think of it as a lesson in survival,  YOURS.  For her it will be an educational lesson..."How to live as an adult on her own". 

If all else fails, I'll mail you my heavy duty, nifty, swifty, hard as oak...2 x 4!  (and the little devil to swing it)  Maybe that will get her to pay attention to what is said?

cremebrulee

Quote from: Orly on September 09, 2010, 11:39:50 AM
Oh my!  Creme, I do believe you have gotten a clinging vine attached to you.   We have all seen these girls in high school and college with their dependence on the men in their lives.  Now that her "support" brace of a husband has passed on, she clings to the closest person that smiles at her and treats her humanely.   Never mind the fact that you are smothering under the needs of a "bind weed".

If you are not planning on becoming this woman's SO(and it sounds like SHE wants you to be), you are going to have to pull out that independent spirit and step on her toes.  It is time she faced her own fears, paid her own bills (without telling you and the whole world about them) and learn to entertain herself.  If she is unable to do this, give her the name and number of a good therapist.....since your shop is closed until further notice. 

She is waaaay past the age of adoption and YOU have earned your own freedom from child-rearing.   It creeps me out that she is turning into a stalker/peeping Thomasina.  Your plans are not her plans....do not fret over not including her when you have your company.....think of it as a lesson in survival,  YOURS.  For her it will be an educational lesson..."How to live as an adult on her own". 

If all else fails, I'll mail you my heavy duty, nifty, swifty, hard as oak...2 x 4!  (and the little devil to swing it)  Maybe that will get her to pay attention to what is said?

LOL
I always look forward to reading your replies...muchos gracias...mi amiga

Barbie

September 09, 2010, 12:58:52 PM #24 Last Edit: September 09, 2010, 04:01:34 PM by guest1
Creme, I was in a similar situation a few years ago at work. This lady followed me everywhere, she wanted to be like me, act like me, dress like me, at first I was flattered but after a while it got to the point where I dreaded going to work, I didn't know how to get rid of her, didn't want to hurt her feelings, I stopped going out to lunch when she went, I tried to avoid her at all costs, hid from her, I'd shut the door to my office hoping she would not come in, this went on for about a year until I finally had to tell her in a very nice way to leave me alone, and I'm afraid you're going to have to do the same, she'll never get it on her own.
Good luck!

Nana

Creme"

It is true.  I too like my alone time a lot.  I like to socialize, but it comes to a point when I really need to be alone and do my things. 

I agree with the other ladies post on:


You only have two options:  One is to cut her off even if she is your neighbor.  She is not making your life easier...the opposite is happening. 

Option Two:  Talk to her and let her know what you feel and think.  It is not easy.

The most important here (for me) is that you should not feel guilty.  You cannot be a good friend to her because she gets in your nerves so she needs to find someone who does like and enjoy the way she is.  (You never know...there might be someone there...lol)

Wish you the best of luck

Hugs
Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove:
Shakespeare

cremebrulee

September 10, 2010, 04:59:26 AM #26 Last Edit: September 10, 2010, 06:15:24 AM by cremebrulee
Quote from: Nana on September 10, 2010, 01:43:06 AM
Creme"

It is true.  I too like my alone time a lot.  I like to socialize, but it comes to a point when I really need to be alone and do my things. 

I agree with the other ladies post on:


You only have two options:  One is to cut her off even if she is your neighbor.  She is not making your life easier...the opposite is happening. 

Option Two:  Talk to her and let her know what you feel and think.  It is not easy.

The most important here (for me) is that you should not feel guilty.  You cannot be a good friend to her because she gets in your nerves so she needs to find someone who does like and enjoy the way she is.  (You never know...there might be someone there...lol)

Wish you the best of luck

Hugs

Hi Nana...thanks for responding and for your advice, as well as all the other ladies who also have responded, you are appreciated.

I've been doing some thinking about this...and I'm going to talk to her when the time is right, but not when I'm upset, when I'm calm and understanding....and I'm going to tell her what you just said....we are two different people with individual ideas and ways of doing things and b/c I'm so independent and need alone time, we clash...I don't need people as much as she does....and I don't want to know about her personal finances...she has a close by family, attorney and accountant, and she should be discussing her personal finances with them. 

I think truly, a lot of times she calls me and used these things for excuses b/c she's lonely....and the very last thing I want to do at night, is be on the phone, even on weekends, I hate talking on the phone.....I don't mind when conversations are short, but really do hesitate calling back friends who don't know when it's time to stop....and I dread it when they call....and sometimes honestly, do not answer the phone.

Anyway, she and I will have a talk, but I need to be in the frame of mind to discuss this with her gently....
then, if she takes offense, I've done all I can....

yanno, it's funny, now when I think about it, my DIL is very much like I am in that respect...very privet and wanting/needing her own space...extremely independent...and doesn't need people....not into phone calls, etc....however, boy did I take all those things personal, instead of understanding?????  Sometimes these awakenings really embarrasses me, that I was so stubborn and refused to see her side, and thought she was an awful person trying to break up any bonds between my son and myself.  I am so thankful, that I was able to see things from her point of view.....otherwise, we'd still be in a bad place.


cremebrulee

September 10, 2010, 06:13:44 AM #27 Last Edit: September 12, 2010, 05:45:12 AM by cremebrulee
Quote from: guest1 on September 09, 2010, 12:58:52 PM
Creme, I was in a similar situation a few years ago at work. This lady followed me everywhere, she wanted to be like me, act like me, dress like me, at first I was flattered but after a while it got to the point where I dreaded going to work, I didn't know how to get rid of her, didn't want to hurt her feelings, I stopped going out to lunch when she went, I tried to avoid her at all costs, hid from her, I'd shut the door to my office hoping she would not come in, this went on for about a year until I finally had to tell her in a very nice way to leave me alone, and I'm afraid you're going to have to do the same, she'll never get it on her own.
Good luck!

They always say, when people try to copy us, we should be flattered, b/c it is a huge compliment, however, it surely does become very annoying doesn't it.  And you mayb right, but I have to try the nicer approach first...and may warn her, if she doesn't realize boundaries, then I will have no alternative, b/c she is presently making me feel very uncomfortable.  Again, it isn't something I'm going to do the moment I get home, I'm going to wait for the right time....I don't want to hurt her, and I know she isn't capable of realizing, that just b/c she feels one way and I feel another doesn't make her right or me right....it's simply who we are....

She is retired and home all day...she is definately co-dependent on others for happiness...fulfillment, she doesn't yet know how to be alone and enjoy the company in aloneness...you can be alone and not be lonely, she doesn't understand that, because being alone scares her.

When I come home, it's a short night for me...I have to walk my dog several times, do my chores, and try to squeeze some very much needed me quiet time in....and when someone calls, it' really annoys me, b/c I've just sat down to destress...or when someone stops by, now I've got to put on a face again, and play hostess....but everyone around me is retired and while some do stay to themselves, this one like my neighbor, needs the socialization at everyone else's cost...

So, what upsets me most about this is not her actions, but putting me in the situation where I know have to say someting to her, to try and get her to understand, I need space...and she has got to back off.  I know it's going to hurt her feelings, and most people would simply back off of her and avoid her, avoid inviting her to girl dinner and a movie night...b/c they view her as a very selfish pain in the butt....however, she is a person and she has feelings to...and I hate really hate the fact that she is putting me in this postion, and thing this was a good point to make, to apply to all of our lives..

We act and do as we were raised, and there are, quit frankly others who would consider our actions, intrusive and crossing boundaries...so, we need to not only consider...but truly listen to someone's words. 

I was talking to her  once about this, in general...and not saying to her right out, it's you who is crossing boundaries, so instead of listening to me, she thought, "well, it's not me, I"m entitled"....and I believe we'd be very surprised if we'd learn to listen to the words of others, b/c a lot of times, when they are saying something about what annoys them, they are talking to us...not all the time, of course, but I'm sure there are instances, that we've simply heard there words but dismissed the fact that it could be us, they are referring to.  People hate to be put in the position of telling us right out, so what will they do, they will avoid us, which Is what I've been doing  to her....

So, maybe we could apply this also to our families...we are not entitled b/c we are family...