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[barelythere]

Thanks MU, and don't worry, I'm not looking at it as you were judging me. I realize of course that we're all here for different reasons and its very difficult to get into the mind of anyone else on this site.
I know I'm far from perfect, but I'd like to think I have the sense to be humble enough to admit my imperfections, and I genuinely try to give everyone else that same benefit (in life) too. I don't know if I can ever express how much I compromised of myself, my beliefs and my morals in order to come to some accord with my MIL only to realize she had succeeded in manipulating DH again...and it was all for naught, her intentions were to just have control and yet still not be happy with the outcome because I was still there. My DH has recently opened his eyes to all of this, and he is ashamed of his mother and himself for not seeing it much sooner...he was really blinded by her and nearly thought she walked on water while growing up. I can't imagine having to come to the realization that your own mother was "saying" she was looking out for his best interests, yet finding out that all she was looking out for was her selfish ones and sabotaging his...she talked the talk, but walked a completely different one, I still don't understand how DH could have been so blind to it, but he was. It really was almost cult-like.

I came across a couple of quotes that reminded me of my MIL and SIL:

"What makes it so plausible to assume that hypocrisy is the vice of vices is that integrity can indeed exist under the cover of all other vices except this one. Only crime and the criminal, it is true, confront us with the perplexity of radical evil; but only the hypocrite is really rotten to the core." ~ Hannah Arendt

"Hypocrisy, the lie, is the true sister of evil, intolerance, and cruelty." ~ Raisa Gorbachev

I do believe that the truth always comes out.

So yes, I know it may seem immature what I posted on FB, but I really am confident in it. I'd never dream of doing what she did to both me and her son, but after being drug thru the mud like she'd done to me, and her not having the slightest bit of remorse over it, I'd realized that I wasn't dealing with someone who had an ounce of feelings for anyone but herself. My FB post was my "enough is enough, and calling her what she really is in public because everyone condones her behavior tirade."
Nope I don't regret it. My only concern now is repairing my marriage....I do believe it's sad that it had to come to what it did between my MIL and I, but sometimes, enough is enough.

I didn't mean for this to go into my MIL issues, I really only posted on here to say what I posted on FB,and I really did it with eyes wide open to who would see it and such.... So please continue talking about facebook gals. 

I tried so hard to be the perfect Mother.  No one is perfect,  though. When you look at your parents from a distance, you are aways going to find things you didn't like.  Hope this never happens to you, Sunny.  It makes you so fragile that it's hard to see any good in life at all.   Losing your kids while they're still living is too much.

[Miss Understood]

I sure hope that you don't have a son that grows up and gets married to a woman that brings to light that in his eyes you no longer walk on water...it's a hard pill to swallow.

[luise.volta]

We never did walk on water!

[barelythere]

No, I certainly never could walk on it, Luise...it is just a metaphor but it's also true, when our faults are pointed out all the time, it makes a difference to the sons.   

[Miss Understood]

True, but it was an awsome feeling when your son's thought you did or atleast that ypou were a good mom

[barelythere]

True, but it was an awsome feeling when your son's thought you did or atleast that ypou were a good mom

Yes, that's what hurts so much, he adored me and his Dad. 

[Miss Understood]

Mine too. But, I was good to him and DIL. It is hard to comprehend how all of a sudden their "eyes are wide open" and it took the DIL to bring that to his attention....atleast in my situation. Funny how my DS was a blind, stupid.man until he got married! She is such a miracle worker...I should be so grateful, I just raised him from birth and had no clue that he was so stupid and I was such an awful mother.
Luise...I am laughing as I am writing this...seriously! It sounds sillier writing it and reading it! Great therapy and cheaper too

[belweav]

For two and a half years she manipulated my DH, and in turn all of it humiliated degraded me and my feelings and has neerly ruined my marriage. I don't expect anyone here to fully understand the extent of it, but it was sooo bad I should have walked away and not married my DH. Her actions and extent of hypocrisy made no secret about her feelings for me. After putting up with it for so long I decided to put it out there about how I felt. I wasn't trying to make friends with my post. I was definitely doing the exact opposite. (or as you say , trying to get a reaction) She'll no longer silently treat me like dirt, I want EVERYONE to know what crummy mother and human being she is. I'm done being nice to her....and trust me, it's one of those situations that you'd have to know her. To look at her she is truly a physically beautiful woman, she puts on a great show and does all kinds of volunteering at church and such. But I've said before, that her amount of narcissism and hypocrisy would make most politicians look good. I've never met anyone like her and I can't believe someone would treat their own son in such a way. We were actually made to feel guilty that our wedding was about us and not his mom or sister. It was very absurd, an degrading as all of it played out. It was so bad that I was having panic attacks approaching our anniversary because the amount of animosity that surrounded our wedding, hence the reason I wrote that.

Sunny1
I truly understand how you feel about letting it all hang out on Facebook. I have wanted to let my dil have it so many times since she acused me of all of the cruel things that she did. I want to tell anyone who would listen what kind of person my dil is. We left our church because I couldn't deal with running into her or my gs and knowing I would have to walk away.

My DH is my hand over my mouth. Peace at home means that I walk away and not give her any amunition to use against us.
My fdil is dealing with problems over her and my ods's wedding but her problem is her own mom. I have not had anything to do with this wedding except to hold my ods's hand as he has help the fdil deal with the problems that his fmil is causing.

It is truely sad that these people forget that when two people get married that something new is created. I knew that my relationship with my ds would change but I thought it would change for the better because he would have a more complete life.  The problem all of us have is that there is one person who cannot handle this change wether it be a mil or dil.


She is not worth any of it to  me anymore, and I don't care about her feelings or what anyone else thought  either, not a single person that may have origianally read my post on FB that might have been offended by it, ever once stopped to consider my feelings. Since blood is thicker than water and I was the outsider, my feelings didn't matter.

My panic attacks surrounding our anniversary were so bad that DH and I decided not to celebrate on that day. The amount of hurt surrounding that day far,far,far, outweighs the happiness.

You are right but I would like to see my gs again one day and if I say anything bad about her, she might turn him against me. I don't care about my ys anymore because of this..  That gs is all that matters.
My simple advice here is don't let her win. Every time you don't celelbrate something or avoid a place because of her gives her power that she shouldn't have.

[Sunny1]

I sure hope that you don't have a son that grows up and gets married to a woman that brings to light that in his eyes you no longer walk on water...it's a hard pill to swallow.

I don't walk on water, and I would never give my son the false impression that I do, that's the difference between my MIL and I. She genuinely believes that she is faultless, and my DH believed it too. I was raised knowing my parents were imperfect but loved them none-the-less.
My son is 14. I have had to share custody of him with my ex-husband, my ex-abuser since he was two years old. Every other week for the past twelve years I have let him go to someone who hurt me immeasurably but have still kept my mouth shut about my feelings. He's at an age where he is starting to make his own descisions...I couldn't imagine manipulating my son like my MIL manipulated hers. My parents certainly never did that to me either, and whatever he grows up to do, I will support him as any "normal" mother would. My MIL is not "normal."

I'm not sure if you're trying to convince me or not that, somewhere along the lines I may have misconstrewed my MIL's behaviour, and my DH and I having to seperate her from us as that I did  something to deserve it. And I couldn't imagine having to be "cut-off" from my own son either, but I can honestly say I am a realist...I can look at all of this and say, "yes a wrote a derogatory FB post", however my MIL still insists she never did anything wrong, never manipulated her son, and heck she insists that I threw her under the  bus the day she caused a scene at the bridal shop.  What I'm trying to say is...I know and admit to when I behave badly. According to my MIlL though, she never behaves badly. Regardless who my son chooses to marry someday, I know that I would never behave like my MIL did to me, I wasn't raised to treat someone like that. I also know that if something were to happen to cause me being "cut-off" from him I would try toamend it if possible...my MIL on th aother hand seriously cares about only herself, she intended to stop our wedding and my DH was blind to it, she only cared about her feelings.

[Miss Understood]

Relax Sunny1. Yes, you are misunderstanding what I am sayng. Yes, your MIL sound horrific. On the other hand, most of us MIL's here are very good MIL's with insecure DIL's who suddenly "enlighten" our sons....I said some thing in jest because humor sometimes helps the painful moments.
Try to release the anger you feel and learn from this. You may get stuck with your DS someday and saying you will try to mend things won't work if he doesn't let you.
I did nothing wrong except be good to DS and DIL, I would've sold my soul to work or mend things (whatever it it) but there is nothing...they chose to do what they do and I cannot do a thing about it.
Just be happy!

[Sunny1]

Relax Sunny1. Yes, you are misunderstanding what I am sayng. Yes, your MIL sound horrific. On the other hand, most of us MIL's here are very good MIL's with insecure DIL's who suddenly "enlighten" our sons....I said some thing in jest because humor sometimes helps the painful moments.
Try to release the anger you feel and learn from this. You may get stuck with your DS someday and saying you will try to mend things won't work if he doesn't let you.
I did nothing wrong except be good to DS and DIL, I would've sold my soul to work or mend things (whatever it it) but there is nothing...they chose to do what they do and I cannot do a thing about it.
Just be happy!

Whew! That's good to hear. I thought you were serious and scolding me. LOL It's so difficult to read your face when your writing...hehe!

[Miss Understood]

None of this is a joking matter, but our own sarcasm sometimes makes us hear the logic in the back of our heads. You can't make sense over something that makes no sense.

[luise.volta]

It is so hard when others do things we would never think of doing and not only get away with , but think it's fine. Most of us on this site have suffered with that kind of injustice. I don't see a workable answer because it has to do with beliefs and values. And they can vary to the degree that we feel we're in a foreign land where we don't know the language or customs. It's terribly painful.

There is the "what's mine is mine and what's yours is mine" concept expanded out into extended families. It's a horror. MILs do it and DILs do it and mass destruction ensues.

[luise.volta]

Well put, MU!

[Miss Understood]

Thank you luise for this site and your wisdom and to all the other women here who I have met, shared their stories and experience.
On most days my logical side is out more and more and heartbroken emotional side went on vacation. Somedays!
But what I have learned, which I want to pass this off to Sunny1 and to anyone else who reads this for what it is and an open mind....Luise, you told me from day one that I will change me through this. You were 100 percent right. I have changed me for sure. Many things from the way I view myself, to looking in the past and figuring out how I got here and what I've learned, to taking time for me (which I never did before) to learning patience, to practicing relaxation and most of all to relinquish control of the fact that I am not responsible for anyone's actions. In my situation I did not do anything to deserve what DS and DIL are doing, what my parents chose to do or anyone else involved. What my DS and DIL did to create this ridiculous situation is ALL about them and even though I didn't want to be drug into this insanity, I was. I have learned to remove myself from it. I want with all my heart to have a relationship with My DS, DIL and GD, but if that is ever allowed or if they even give an inch...I am not the same and the warm and fuzzy is gone and I will not make that a priority in my life ever again. I will never let my guard down again and ever allow them to take their frustrations or anger out on me again. I won't allow myself to be disrespected or manipulated to believe that I am the cause of their problems and I am spending their inheritance on my DH and myself Yes, I've changed.
I also learned about some of my (very few faults and am practicing changing them...not for anyone else, but for me. I want to be a good person...the one I am in control of.
Sunny1...we learn so much in life from 20-30 and then from 30-40 and then 40-50 and Luise, please correct me if I am wrong...life is a learning lesson everyday and we never actually reach that point we know everything or have it all figured out. What I am saying is...re-think everything in you...change you...try things different...find what works for you. Life doesn't have to be black and white, one way or the other and knowing your MIL's personality, don't buy into it and don't take any ownership with it, set some appropriate boundaries and work at changing you in the relationship, what she does is her...you don't have to play that game. Sometimes it just is what it is and you made a comment that you would mend things is your DS ever did this...well, hopefully you won't have to because you are gathering so much wisdom here that you will bw wise and see things before it happens or have the tools to tackle it better by being better equiped than most of us who were blindsided...but as a DIL..from a MIL, maybe she wants to fit in and just doesn't know how because what she knows and what she does is all she knows. Look deeper...honey, you have to be happy but true cutting out doesn't make things better...really, it may sound easier and be a quick fix, but sometimes the best relationships can take a lifetime to see why it's there to begin with. I am totally not saying she is right and you are wrong...what I am saying is that I think you are wise and can be wiser and learn you and change things one minute at a time, to one hour at a time, one day at a time and so on.Sometimes our logical side gets clouded with anger and pain. My best wishes are with you. Really...you will look back at this and you will grow from it if you allow. There is a reason for everything and it usually isn't what we think it is.