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Facebook

Started by barelythere, September 09, 2010, 02:18:16 PM

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Hope

Hi everyone!
I opened a fb account b/c I wanted to see what it was all about.  Don't really post my status much, but it is fun to see what friends and relatives are up to.  When I see them after spotting their status on fb, I'll mention that I saw that they just moved into their new home or had an accident or something.  I knew my next door neighbor was in a bad car accident only an hour or two after it happened b/c her dd posted it on fb.  Otherwise, I doubt I would have known for a while, and possibly not at all.  I prayed for her and brought a meal to her house when she got home from the hospital, which is a good outcome of fb.  On the other hand, fb is how I found out that my dil was terribly upset with someone for questioning her parenting, for which she posted she would punch the next person in the nose who questioned it.  I told my dh (who doesn't have a fb account) and he questioned my ds about it and found out that she was upset with him!  I think I posted the story somewhere else here, but it was ridiculous since my dh was obviously just being playful with her (and imho happens to be the best fil on this earth).  Anyway, my sister told me not to read my dil's fb - to just ignore it.  Ever since then, that's what I do.  I just don't open her page any more and stopped asking for prompts when she posts.  It's addicting, though, and I have to really use self control.  That's my two cents worth.
Hugs, Hope

luise.volta

I only check in if someone writes on my "wall" and I am notified by email. However, my son checks more often and keeps me posted on family stuff since one grown grandson with kids in college lives in Paris. It has just never grabbed me. Most of my family and friends stay at a pretty superficial level there. I like email...it feels more "real." (Yes, I know it's virtual, too...but one-on-one seems more intimate.) Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Pooh

I hope they don't either Anna, but sounds like he needs distance from the situation just as you have been doing.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Sunny1

I have a FB account and check it regularly though I don't post all that often myself. FB came in super handy when my graduating class was having its 15 year reunion. We didn't have any at all over the years so far, but because of FB, so many people were connected that it got planned in rather short notice. I can honestly say that another year would have passed us by and my class wouldn't have had a reunion if it wasn't for FB, it was really nice to get together with old friends and I like it because of things like that.

I can honestly say that I am guilty of making one derogatory post while I've had my FB, and yes it was about my MIL. The only reason I did it was because a lot of DH's family is on FB and I was tired of being humiliated by my MIL and SIL's hypocrisy and lies. Enough was enough, I laid it all out there, and I was pleasantly surprised by the responses that my post received. Here is my post word for word, and bleep for bleep. ::)
      "Today is the two year anniversary and personal reminder of the six months of pure hell my MIL put me through in order to ruin my wedding day. The one and only good memory of that day is the fact that I married my best friend...(DH), your mother is a lying, self centered, arrogantly hypocritical b@#&!, but I love you anyway!!! Happy Anniversary!"

After all that my MIL and SIL had put me thru, not to mention how my DH had trampled on my emotions in order to please his mother, the only thing I regret about that post was that I was never "friends" with MIL or SIL on FB so that they could personally see it. However, many of DH's cousin's are, and most have said to me privately at one time or another that they are aware of my MIL/SIL's behavior. His maternal grandmother even pulled me aside once just after MIL's tantrums about our wedding had started and she stated that she doesn't even like to call her daughter (my MIL) on the telephone or anything because she's so tired of her behaviour. His aunt stopped me one day and was extremely sympathetic and stated "(Sunny), I can't imagine what she'll put you through, she doesn't like me and I only married her brother, you're marrying her son." All of these people were well aware of the way MIL acted and would privately tell me they were sorry, but not a single one had the ca-hones to stand up to MIL in our defense. They all believe in the notion that "blood is thicker than water", so they all stood by as MIL/ SIL behaved like buffoons and treated DH and I with no respect.

My FB post was my 'not so silent stand' of I'm not taking it anymore. I don't care if she's family no one has the right to treat me that way, and I was tired of his family's hush-hush attitude of condoning her behavior, so yep, I made it as public as I could....and like I said, I truly only regret that his mother didn't see it.

Pooh

I am very careful to not do that Sunny, but I have put "veiled" things on there that I was hoping if the right person read it, they would know....Lol.  Things like, "One thing about FB is, you can find out who truly cares about you, and who is just being nosey."  (In reference to my DIL and her Mother sending me a friend request but never posting anything to me.)  I used to post things on my DILs wall, on holidays saying "Happy 4th of July!" and such, but not once, has she ever responded, or her Mother.  So I quit doing that.

I applaud your honesty.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Miss Understood

September 24, 2010, 08:03:32 AM #65 Last Edit: September 24, 2010, 08:25:26 AM by Miss Understood
Oh, Sunny1....I don't think that was a wise choice to do that. It did take a lot of guts to admit that you did it on here. I am not here to criticize you at all...let me tell you why I think it was a bad idea.
1. two wrongs do not and never will make a right.
2. living well is the best revenge.
3. speak impeccable truth is the right thing to do. Don't blast with words...it's just plain wrong. We are in control of our own tongues.
4. just because you are angry at your MIL, doesn't mean it was anyone elses business.
5. Someone who loves your MIL will now look at you as not such a nice person.
and the most important one....
6. It disrespects your husband.

Now, that being said...don't take this as I am scolding you, because you probably regret that you really did do that. Take this as something to consider next time you get mad at your MIL. Journal or something, but never throw your dirty laundry out for anyone to see.
One thing I did learn in life is that sometimes we act with our emotions, anger and fear and that action will haunt us for ever. Deep breath before lashing out....Even if you feel justified.  :-\

Sunny1

Anna, first of all I'm not the least bit offended or surprised by your response.  I know that FB is not the place for such things, and trust me, I thought long and hard about who all of my friends are on FB and how they may or may not take my post. But I think it was very clear about who and why I directed it at that person, and again, half of DH's family that I am friends with on FB either just gave me a silent "I'm sorry, I know she's like that" or flat laughed and said, "yep, she's like that" before the wedding. Yet never didanything to help DH or I. They all condone it and put it off as "well, that's just the way she is." It's not OK by me.

For two and a half years she manipulated my DH, and in turn all of it humiliated degraded me and my feelings and has neerly ruined my marriage. I don't expect anyone here to fully understand the extent of it, but it was sooo bad I should have walked away and not married my DH. Her actions and extent of hypocrisy made no secret about her feelings for me. After putting up with it for so long I decided to put it out there about how I felt. I wasn't trying to make friends with my post. I was definitely doing the exact opposite. (or as you say , trying to get a reaction) She'll no longer silently treat me like dirt, I want EVERYONE to know what crummy mother and human being she is. I'm done being nice to her....and trust me, it's one of those situations that you'd have to know her. To look at her she is truly a physically beautiful woman, she puts on a great show and does all kinds of volunteering at church and such. But I've said before, that her amount of narcissism and hypocrisy would make most politicians look good. I've never met anyone like her and I can't believe someone would treat their own son in such a way. We were actually made to feel guilty that our wedding was about us and not his mom or sister. It was very absurd, an degrading as all of it played out. It was so bad that I was having panic attacks approaching our anniversary because the amount of animosity that surrounded our wedding, hence the reason I wrote that.

She is not worth any of it to  me anymore, and I don't care about her feelings or what anyone else thought  either, not a single person that may have origianally read my post on FB that might have been offended by it, ever once stopped to consider my feelings. Since blood is thicker than water and I was the outsider, my feelings didn't matter.

My panic attacks surrounding our anniversary were so bad that DH and I decided not to celebrate on that day. The amount of hurt surrounding that day far,far,far, outweighs the happiness.

barelythere

Quote from: Sunny1 on September 24, 2010, 08:14:29 AM
Anna, first of all I'm not the least bit offended or surprised by your response.  I know that FB is not the place for such things, and trust me, I thought long and hard about who all of my friends are on FB and how they may or may not take my post. But I think it was very clear about who and why I directed it at that person, and again, half of DH's family that I am friends with on FB either just gave me a silent "I'm sorry, I know she's like that" or flat laughed and said, "yep, she's like that" before the wedding. Yet never didanything to help DH or I. They all condone it and put it off as "well, that's just the way she is." It's not OK by me.

For two and a half years she manipulated my DH, and in turn all of it humiliated degraded me and my feelings and has neerly ruined my marriage. I don't expect anyone here to fully understand the extent of it, but it was sooo bad I should have walked away and not married my DH. Her actions and extent of hypocrisy made no secret about her feelings for me. After putting up with it for so long I decided to put it out there about how I felt. I wasn't trying to make friends with my post. I was definitely doing the exact opposite. (or as you say , trying to get a reaction) She'll no longer silently treat me like dirt, I want EVERYONE to know what crummy mother and human being she is. I'm done being nice to her....and trust me, it's one of those situations that you'd have to know her. To look at her she is truly a physically beautiful woman, she puts on a great show and does all kinds of volunteering at church and such. But I've said before, that her amount of narcissism and hypocrisy would make most politicians look good. I've never met anyone like her and I can't believe someone would treat their own son in such a way. We were actually made to feel guilty that our wedding was about us and not his mom or sister. It was very absurd, an degrading as all of it played out. It was so bad that I was having panic attacks approaching our anniversary because the amount of animosity that surrounded our wedding, hence the reason I wrote that.

She is not worth any of it to  me anymore, and I don't care about her feelings or what anyone else thought  either, not a single person that may have origianally read my post on FB that might have been offended by it, ever once stopped to consider my feelings. Since blood is thicker than water and I was the outsider, my feelings didn't matter.

My panic attacks surrounding our anniversary were so bad that DH and I decided not to celebrate on that day. The amount of hurt surrounding that day far,far,far, outweighs the happiness.
Dear Sunny, I'm so sorry about all this with his Mother. She does sound horrible. I'm desperate to find out what we have done to our son to make him treat us like he does.  You've stated some of the things your MIL has done, can you tell me others.  I hope to God I have not done those things!! Surely I've done something.  My DILs family is a handful and bothers them constantly.  I am thinking in my head that after they used me that they don't want us to be the handful her parents have been? 

Sunny1

Quote from: Miss Understood on September 24, 2010, 08:03:32 AM
Oh, Sunny1....I don't think that was a wise choice to do that. It did take a lot of guts to admit that you did it on here. I am not here to criticize you at all...let me tell you why I think it was a bad idea.
1. two wrongs do not and never will make a right.
2. living well is the best revenge.
3. speak impeccable truth is the right thing to do. Don't blast with words...it's just plain wrong. We are in control of our own tongues.
4. just because you are angry at your MIL, doesn't mean it was anyone elses business.
5. Someone who loves your MIL will now look at you as not such a nice person.
and the most important one....
6. It disrespects your husband.

Now, that being said...don't take this as I am scolding you, because you probably regret that you really did do that. Take this as something to consider next time you get mad at your MIL. Journal or something, but never throw your dirty laundry out for anyone to see.
One thing I did learn in life is that sometimes we act with our emotions, anger and fear and that action will haunt us for ever. Deep breath before lashing out....Even if you feel justified.  :-\

MU - Like I said, I don't regret it. (Don't worry I'm not mad) In most situations I have lived by your rules and actually followed them concerning her for quite some time. But I've since learned that evil exists and it comes in the form of my MIL.

4. Again, the hush-hush condones her behavior in his family. Trust me, she publicly humiliated me far worse.
5. I didn't post something like that on FB trying to make friends with anyone, and anybody who really matters understood the extent of it.
6. All the while all of this went on, my husband defended her and her warped feelings, which meant he trampled on mine. At least I was blatant instead of subtly belittling anyone the way an emotional vampire would do. Again, my DH spent the previous two and a half years disrespecting me. Like I said, this was my shout out that I'd had enough.


Sunny1

Quote from: barelythere on September 24, 2010, 08:19:54 AM
Quote from: Sunny1 on September 24, 2010, 08:14:29 AM
Anna, first of all I'm not the least bit offended or surprised by your response.  I know that FB is not the place for such things, and trust me, I thought long and hard about who all of my friends are on FB and how they may or may not take my post. But I think it was very clear about who and why I directed it at that person, and again, half of DH's family that I am friends with on FB either just gave me a silent "I'm sorry, I know she's like that" or flat laughed and said, "yep, she's like that" before the wedding. Yet never didanything to help DH or I. They all condone it and put it off as "well, that's just the way she is." It's not OK by me.

For two and a half years she manipulated my DH, and in turn all of it humiliated degraded me and my feelings and has neerly ruined my marriage. I don't expect anyone here to fully understand the extent of it, but it was sooo bad I should have walked away and not married my DH. Her actions and extent of hypocrisy made no secret about her feelings for me. After putting up with it for so long I decided to put it out there about how I felt. I wasn't trying to make friends with my post. I was definitely doing the exact opposite. (or as you say , trying to get a reaction) She'll no longer silently treat me like dirt, I want EVERYONE to know what crummy mother and human being she is. I'm done being nice to her....and trust me, it's one of those situations that you'd have to know her. To look at her she is truly a physically beautiful woman, she puts on a great show and does all kinds of volunteering at church and such. But I've said before, that her amount of narcissism and hypocrisy would make most politicians look good. I've never met anyone like her and I can't believe someone would treat their own son in such a way. We were actually made to feel guilty that our wedding was about us and not his mom or sister. It was very absurd, an degrading as all of it played out. It was so bad that I was having panic attacks approaching our anniversary because the amount of animosity that surrounded our wedding, hence the reason I wrote that.

She is not worth any of it to  me anymore, and I don't care about her feelings or what anyone else thought  either, not a single person that may have origianally read my post on FB that might have been offended by it, ever once stopped to consider my feelings. Since blood is thicker than water and I was the outsider, my feelings didn't matter.

My panic attacks surrounding our anniversary were so bad that DH and I decided not to celebrate on that day. The amount of hurt surrounding that day far,far,far, outweighs the happiness.
Dear Sunny, I'm so sorry about all this with his Mother. She does sound horrible. I'm desperate to find out what we have done to our son to make him treat us like he does.  You've stated some of the things your MIL has done, can you tell me others.  I hope to God I have not done those things!! Surely I've done something.  My DILs family is a handful and bothers them constantly.  I am thinking in my head that after they used me that they don't want us to be the handful her parents have been?

BT - it took me a long time to realize that I did nothing wrong to deserve the way DH's mom and sis treated me. I kept playing things over in my head, and it took a lot of talking to others too to realize that it all came down to some very simple things. MIL and SIL had spent their lives controlling and manipulating DH, but then I came along. I was independent and going to take their control of him away. I'm not at all saying that all families are like this, I find it disheartening as I watch some of my friends and the great way that they are able to get along with their in-laws. But it's just that there are some very self-centered people out there and sometimes there is absolutelty nothing that you can do to please them.  Sometimes, they are just determined to dislike you and will go so far as to imagine things up to make excuses to do just that.
Those are the people that you have to find healthy boundaries with and seperate yourself from.

barelythere

Quote from: Sunny1 on September 24, 2010, 08:49:37 AM
Quote from: barelythere on September 24, 2010, 08:19:54 AM
Quote from: Sunny1 on September 24, 2010, 08:14:29 AM
Anna, first of all I'm not the least bit offended or surprised by your response.  I know that FB is not the place for such things, and trust me, I thought long and hard about who all of my friends are on FB and how they may or may not take my post. But I think it was very clear about who and why I directed it at that person, and again, half of DH's family that I am friends with on FB either just gave me a silent "I'm sorry, I know she's like that" or flat laughed and said, "yep, she's like that" before the wedding. Yet never didanything to help DH or I. They all condone it and put it off as "well, that's just the way she is." It's not OK by me.

For two and a half years she manipulated my DH, and in turn all of it humiliated degraded me and my feelings and has neerly ruined my marriage. I don't expect anyone here to fully understand the extent of it, but it was sooo bad I should have walked away and not married my DH. Her actions and extent of hypocrisy made no secret about her feelings for me. After putting up with it for so long I decided to put it out there about how I felt. I wasn't trying to make friends with my post. I was definitely doing the exact opposite. (or as you say , trying to get a reaction) She'll no longer silently treat me like dirt, I want EVERYONE to know what crummy mother and human being she is. I'm done being nice to her....and trust me, it's one of those situations that you'd have to know her. To look at her she is truly a physically beautiful woman, she puts on a great show and does all kinds of volunteering at church and such. But I've said before, that her amount of narcissism and hypocrisy would make most politicians look good. I've never met anyone like her and I can't believe someone would treat their own son in such a way. We were actually made to feel guilty that our wedding was about us and not his mom or sister. It was very absurd, an degrading as all of it played out. It was so bad that I was having panic attacks approaching our anniversary because the amount of animosity that surrounded our wedding, hence the reason I wrote that.

She is not worth any of it to  me anymore, and I don't care about her feelings or what anyone else thought  either, not a single person that may have origianally read my post on FB that might have been offended by it, ever once stopped to consider my feelings. Since blood is thicker than water and I was the outsider, my feelings didn't matter.

My panic attacks surrounding our anniversary were so bad that DH and I decided not to celebrate on that day. The amount of hurt surrounding that day far,far,far, outweighs the happiness.
Dear Sunny, I'm so sorry about all this with his Mother. She does sound horrible. I'm desperate to find out what we have done to our son to make him treat us like he does.  You've stated some of the things your MIL has done, can you tell me others.  I hope to God I have not done those things!! Surely I've done something.  My DILs family is a handful and bothers them constantly.  I am thinking in my head that after they used me that they don't want us to be the handful her parents have been?

BT - it took me a long time to realize that I did nothing wrong to deserve the way DH's mom and sis treated me. I kept playing things over in my head, and it took a lot of talking to others too to realize that it all came down to some very simple things. MIL and SIL had spent their lives controlling and manipulating DH, but then I came along. I was independent and going to take their control of him away. I'm not at all saying that all families are like this, I find it disheartening as I watch some of my friends and the great way that they are able to get along with their in-laws. But it's just that there are some very self-centered people out there and sometimes there is absolutelty nothing that you can do to please them.  Sometimes, they are just determined to dislike you and will go so far as to imagine things up to make excuses to do just that.
Those are the people that you have to find healthy boundaries with and seperate yourself from.

But this is our son.  He married a very rich, controlling woman and she can be the most cruel individual on the planet. If she wants something, she is like the world's kindest.  This has filtered down to my GD.  I chatted with her on Facebook. (I plead innocent) They made it where I can't see what they are writing and I can't contact them. I wouldn't anyway now that I know. I have wracked my brain for what I could have done to him It was great for years but that's when they needed me and now they don't so it's hateful glares.  I am beyond sad.

Miss Understood

September 24, 2010, 08:57:34 AM #71 Last Edit: September 24, 2010, 09:07:28 AM by Miss Understood
Same here Sunny1...i am not saying your MIL is right either. Only you really know what your dynamics are in your relationship. I just know that things get worse when both carry the two edged sword.
My DS and DIL are so mean to me and treat me so badly....I will never, ever lash out at them....why? Because I am a better person than that and just because they are acting awful doesn't give me the right to do that in return. We are responsible for OUR own actions. Feel good about what you do and don't play the game. I read where you said the other family members commented that she was like that, said I'm sorry or laughed...well, you really don't know what they are thinking and you never will.
Now, How can I say this delicately so you hear what I am sharing and not turn it around...read this with an open mind...this might help you.
You husband will resent you if you put a wedge between him and his mother...in time. Maybe he is sticking up for her for that very reason. You should look at this closer. I'd advise to just step back and let him deal with his mom and let him have free reign to do as he pleases with his FOO. If you make him chose to feel the way you feel and hate his mother...sooner or later you will see that will back fire on your marriage.
I can say this now because not only did it happen to me with my 1st marriage (I was very young and admit that I didn't realize this until recently) and I have met at least 3 dozen women that can say the same thing. This goes with roping in the husband too much too. For instance, "you can't fish with your friends or you can't go out by yourself from time to time." All of us mature women who have been married for a long time have learned you cannot tell a man what he can and cannot do. There are ways to sway his decisions...but it isn't telling him what he is allowed. Your DH may stick up for his mom because he has a tight bond with her that he is not willing to break...putting the garbage aside, come up with a solution that you all can live with and you and your DH can have a good life.
Remember...nothing your MIL can do defines you as a person. You are who you are and she is who she is....who's to say who is right and who is wrong. This is life, try to figure out a way to dance with the other woman in your DH's life.

Sunny1

September 24, 2010, 01:03:50 PM #72 Last Edit: September 24, 2010, 01:31:45 PM by Sunny1
MU - believe it or not, I hear you loud and clear on this, and I could go point by point and tell you why I'm doing/ or did  the exact opposite. I agree its unhealthy to carry the two edged sword, but the fact is, I was already getting severely stabbed by it anyway and DH was allowing it, if there is anyone that is carrying around resentment, it's me. Dh allowed his mom to manipulate him which was all because she didn't like me, for whatever absurd reasons she had in her head. The only wedge that's been between us WAS his mother.

I most definitely believe in being the bigger person as well, and in most cases it works. But with my MIL, its exactly what she expects and wants from people. You see she is a lifelong Christian who knows exactly how and when to hide behind that veil of "Christianity", and SIL acts just like her. They've always dealt with people in the church and when others, just I had problems with her, of course did the "right " thing, it all fed into her and showed weakness in her eyes. The thing is, MIL knows and expects that from everyone. She uses it as her licence to treat people like dirt. Funny thing is, she NEVER admits to any wrongdoing herself...never apologizes for anything...ever. I was even told by my pastor who had also had dealings with her, that I could expect hell to freeze over before my MIL ever admits to anything or apologizes.

And heck, if anything I'm having to encourage him go out and go golfing, and stuff. Like I said somewhere else on here, I was a single mom for nearly ten years before DH and I married. I liked my independence and think its not healthy to spend all my waking time with DH. He has to have a life beyond me or he'll drive me crazy.  :o

Merriam-Webster defines a hypcrite as:
1: a person who puts on a false appearance of virtue or religion
2: a person who acts in contradiction to his or her stated beliefs or feelings

So no, my MIL may not define me as a person, though she tried and my DH was allowing her to, but right or wrong I will say with gusto that it is a fact that my MIL is an extremely hypocritical person...and I'm not dancing with her because trust me...that's exactly what she wants.

Miss Understood

Sunny1, sorry for all you are going through....really. My parents sound like your MIL. I know that horrible feeling.  Do what you need to do for you and your DH then and I hope that you are able to put some of the anger aside and be happy.
I was not judging you either...so, please don't read it that way.


Sunny1

September 24, 2010, 03:24:18 PM #74 Last Edit: September 24, 2010, 03:38:04 PM by Sunny1
Thanks MU, and don't worry, I'm not looking at it as you were judging me. I realize of course that we're all here for different reasons and its very difficult to get into the mind of anyone else on this site.
I know I'm far from perfect, but I'd like to think I have the sense to be humble enough to admit my imperfections, and I genuinely try to give everyone else that same benefit (in life) too. I don't know if I can ever express how much I compromised of myself, my beliefs and my morals in order to come to some accord with my MIL only to realize she had succeeded in manipulating DH again...and it was all for naught, her intentions were to just have control and yet still not be happy with the outcome because I was still there. My DH has recently opened his eyes to all of this, and he is ashamed of his mother and himself for not seeing it much sooner...he was really blinded by her and nearly thought she walked on water while growing up. I can't imagine having to come to the realization that your own mother was "saying" she was looking out for his best interests, yet finding out that all she was looking out for was her selfish ones and sabotaging his...she talked the talk, but walked a completely different one, I still don't understand how DH could have been so blind to it, but he was. It really was almost cult-like.

I came across a couple of quotes that reminded me of my MIL and SIL:

"What makes it so plausible to assume that hypocrisy is the vice of vices is that integrity can indeed exist under the cover of all other vices except this one. Only crime and the criminal, it is true, confront us with the perplexity of radical evil; but only the hypocrite is really rotten to the core." ~ Hannah Arendt

"Hypocrisy, the lie, is the true sister of evil, intolerance, and cruelty." ~ Raisa Gorbachev

I do believe that the truth always comes out.

So yes, I know it may seem immature what I posted on FB, but I really am confident in it. I'd never dream of doing what she did to both me and her son, but after being drug thru the mud like she'd done to me, and her not having the slightest bit of remorse over it, I'd realized that I wasn't dealing with someone who had an ounce of feelings for anyone but herself. My FB post was my "enough is enough, and calling her what she really is in public because everyone condones her behavior tirade."
Nope I don't regret it. My only concern now is repairing my marriage....I do believe it's sad that it had to come to what it did between my MIL and I, but sometimes, enough is enough.

I didn't mean for this to go into my MIL issues, I really only posted on here to say what I posted on FB,and I really did it with eyes wide open to who would see it and such.... ;) So please continue talking about facebook gals.  :)