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Started by barelythere, September 09, 2010, 02:18:16 PM

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cremebrulee

September 10, 2010, 07:53:48 AM #15 Last Edit: September 10, 2010, 07:57:06 AM by cremebrulee
Quote from: Miss Understood on September 10, 2010, 06:56:22 AM
Thank you creme. I know all this....I know this is like a nuclear bomb went off in our house and the fall out is killing the bunch slowly. I just want to ask a question...has anyone here ever had a happy ending? How do you just wake up and not think about them anymore? I miss my son (the one he was before the aliens invaded and took over his soul) I miss my GD and even my DIL...the one I thought she was. I blinked and it was all gone...for whatever reason they made it out to be...I've given up trying to make sense of something which makes no sense!
So, any happy ending stories? Reason to have hope would be nice.

Yes, I have, and it's all about what I'm writing about in these pages....
You see, I know a few here get very upset with me, and don't like me very much because they think I am betraying them by not siding with them and by being honest....it took me twelve long years of pain....heartache, medical problems, replaying, not being able to sleep, not being able to eat, or eating myself fat....and the anger, affected my whole outlook and life.....I was irritable, unhappy, dysfunctional at time, and very illogical....sad, frustrated, and not very socable and was making everyone around me miserable....and people actually started to avoid me, b/c it was the same thing over and over again.   People didn't dislike me, but hated to be around me, b/c that is all I talked about...finally people started telling me, that I was only seeing things from my perspective...and perspectives change, as time goes by, in other words, what didn't see so bad in the beginning, after 12 years, got blown way out of proportion as time went on...my perspectives of the situation went hay wire.  And no, you don't just wake up one morning and it goes away....you've got to work very hard at it.....and no one situation is the same....everyone of you has a whole different situation....however, we're all in this together, with the same pain....so, I was torn, between quitting this page, b/c I feared big time, that people would not like me, b/c I was able to resolve things with my son.  Matter of fact, I posted a happy post about something, and only 3 responded to it....and I think they felt like maybe I was rubbing it in they're faces....I wasn't...so then I had this thought, and decided, maybe just maybe if I can make these woman understand I'm on they're side, by dedicating as much time as I could to trying to help them see what they could do to change things for themselves, then all those 12 years I suffered would have meaning, purpose....

Understand, when I'm writing and giving my perspectives and points of views...I'm also reinstating them in my own mind, in other words, talking to myself to keep reminding myself of where I have to be and where I've still yet to go. 

The only way towards peace is thru awareness, self exploration and acceptance as well as, allowance....and the first very small step to that is by reading and believing, that we can't change what is, we can only change what will be.  We are given the gift of life, free will and choice....now, what do we do with it...most of the time, we are our own worst enemies....we cause a lot of of our own problems, not the ones that are inflicted upon us, but how we react to them.  We can immediately react wrongly and it's best to think things thru before we say or react...but some of us don't, so that would be one of the first things I had to work on and still am...it was the way I reacted to things that my DIL did...and reacted very badly, immaturely....stubbornly and out of anger....and out of anger I said horrible horrible things about my DIL....even to my son, I can't imagine how he felt....I was wrong, wrong, wrong...she was simply being who she is.....as I was, and we both blew it way out of proportion....sure, there were some things we both did and said to each other that were wrong, however, both of us surely didn't mean it nor did we try to tear each of us apart from my son, her husband....what we were was, hurt and angry from the rejection....rejection is a horrible horrible thing....it hurts....

So, I'm not siding with anyone here....I'm just being honest and trying like anything to help you all come from the place I was....the only way to a happy ending is hard work and letting go of the fear of saying, well, I could have done something wrong to contribute to this, if only in the way I may have reacted, or said something....you see, we're all different....and you may have said something that was totally innocent, like Anna posting a quote on her Facebook page, however, DIL took it way way out of context....because of the way she is, doesn't say that Anna is wrong and she is right, or visa versa, we as human beings are going to see things as we are, and if we are unable to be aware of the feelings of others, then we're quit frankly stuck.  Well, I was tired real tired of being stuck....and started thinking, there must have been something I have done to contribute to this, there must have been, there must have been, there must have been, over and over again, and I think I did that for about 3 years...until I finally started to believe it, and desired to find out where my contributions to this fiasco came from....so one day, it all started to clear, very very slowly and for the first time in 12 years I was actually able to say, "yanno, as much as I'm hurting, she's got to be hurting to"....we are conditioned to believe what we believe from the time we are born...not all of it is good....or right, or the way others think and feel....and it takes hard work and a long time to recondition those bad habits of ours...and it's a work in progress until the very day we die....and if we are so illogical and unintelligent to believe, b/c we are adults we know all there is to know, we're very foolish.  If we allow pride to get in our way, in other words, fear admission of wrong doings, then we stagnate and will not progress....

Now understand, please, I'm not saying this is true for everyone in this page...however, I will tell you honestly and without any hesitation, I truly believe my DIL was trying to break the bond between my son and me....because she wasn't a clean freak like I am, I thought she was lazy, b/c my son, did everything, I thought she was taking advantage of him....however, it was how they choose to live they're lives and none of my darn business....it worked for them, and I wouldn't be at all surprised if my son isn't a bit controlling, b/c I know I am.....I grew up on my own, taking care of myself, cooking and cleaning and finding a job at a very young age.....and was conditioned to take care of myself, I had to, no one else was there to do it....so, I adopted that what some people see as controlling, ability to take care of myself, and didn't know how to allow others to take care of me.  I had husbands, tell me, that I didn't need them, that there wasn't anything I couldn't do on my own...and there isn't.  So, wallah, you have me....to this very day, one of my pet peeves is, I can't allow people to help me...and yet, I give, give, give...and that is something I'm working on, along with a lot of other flaws....

So, it's got a lot to do with the fear of facing our own demons.....plus, letting our sons go....meaning, understanding, they're grown adults now, our job is over, and they don't need us any longer, and they don't.  They have a wife, now to take care of all they're needs, and that doesn't mean they don't love us, or love us any less, it's just time for them to move on, do things they're way, cuz that is the only way they are going to learn, and make mistakes, just like we did and we must allow them that.

Someone told me once, and this really shocked my system....a mother and DIL and son is like a love triangle, where two women are actually fighting over the same man.  Boy was that a blow to my pride when I realized, that was exactly what I was doing.  As much as I thought I had left him go, I didn't.  I wasn't able to...when our sons marry, life as we knew it changes forever, and that is normal and the way it's supposed to be.  Those who don't have problems with they're DIL's and there are many who don't are able to accept this early on.  I was not....I thought, not only would my son remain the same, but my DIL would somehow magically and instantly love me like I loved her, b/c my son choose her.  Well, that was the biggest mistake I could have made....she didn't want a mother, she wanted a husband, but unfortunately, I came with the package.  I was very independent and vocal...and sufficient...my son, of course bragged me up when they first met, which was wrong for him to do, but he didn't know any better....and she thought he would never love her as much.  However, what she didn't realize at the time, is, he loved her more in a different way....and that is perfectly normal as the very same thing happened with his father and me....he talked, talked and talked about what a good mother, housewife and mentor his mother was, why she could do everything and that literally scared my knickers off.....and I reacted to her very badly, wrongly....at times.  She did things that were wrong to....we certainly clashed....she overstepped boundaries, however, I surely could have handled it differently.

So, there is no magic spell and it isn't an instantaneous solution....it all depends on us individually, and how we approach the situation....

believe me, I said the same things....
my son wasn't like this, he was easy going, loving, giving, laid back....however, how he was and how he is as a grown man are two different entities, we change when we marry and we change even more, as we have children and change is inevitable, however, some of us really do have a very difficult time with change....why?  Because change takes us outside those imaginary protective plastic bubbles we've created for ourselves, away from the rest of the world....we do things over and over again, never changing our schedules, and become accustomed to routine and feel very comfortable there, so that when change comes along, why it knocks our entire life out of kilter.....

I remember being where you are, and people telling me the same ol things I'm telling you, but I refused to listen, I was horribly hurt and it was all they're fault and that was all I was able to see....

So, I'm sorry if I insult anyone here...b/c I know there are times when all you want to do is come in and cry and vent....I don't see that, what I see is a woman lost, asking for help, and know exactly what your feeling and thinking, and my first instinct is to try and save you from the 12 long endless years I went thru....

so try if you can, to understand, my only intent is to help and I'm on your side...even when I disagree....it's not done or said to hurt you, but much more, to lend you my hand, to try and pull you up from that endless darkness and to say, there IS light at the end of the tunnel, but only if and when your ready to listen and apply....if you can't, you'll be in that place for a long time, and if you want something bad enough, you'll do anything to make it better and change, b/c that's life...everything constantly changes, it must...it has to, even the world evolves, the moon evolves, the sun and all the planets....and if those planets would ever once resist, like we humans do, everything would be out of kilter, wouldn't it....?  But nothing resits change more then us humans, which creates such a shock to what has to be and the more we fight it, the more tangled up we become.

I hope I have helped...in some small way....
Creme

Miss Understood

He was actually shocked and then hesitated... But sounded excited. He misses me. I miss me. Thanks again for the pep talk today, you all are so dear here!!!!

cremebrulee

Quote from: Miss Understood on September 10, 2010, 07:55:31 AM
He was actually shocked and then hesitated... But sounded excited. He misses me. I miss me. Thanks again for the pep talk today, you all are so dear here!!!!

your going to have set backs believe me, it doesn't all happen at once, however, be aware, and come back when it happens and remember, practice, practice, practice, b/c your playing the piano of life....for every step forward you take 3 steps back, but they are not as bad, b/c your learning to control the situation.  BEEEEEEEEE Happy b/c it's right there for you...waiting for you....you go girl!!!!!!!


Pooh

GO Miss Understood and Anna!!!!  Woot Woot!!!  It's date night....get your groove on.....have a good time....get your groove on....(insert picture of me singing and bouncing in my chair)..... ;D
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

barelythere

Could someone PLEASE tell me in plain English how to edit my profile and account settings so no one can "chat" with me or see what I am doing or even my name on the side on Facebook, Satan's tool of murder?

cremebrulee

Quote from: barelythere on September 10, 2010, 11:46:41 AM
Could someone PLEASE tell me in plain English how to edit my profile and account settings so no one can "chat" with me or see what I am doing or even my name on the side on Facebook, Satan's tool of murder?

LOL
Go into facebook
go into account
go into privacy settings
click on customize settings
then click everyone "Friends Only"
and no one but friends will be able to see your information



Pooh

I don't know how to make it a permanent setting to not chat, but I do know that if you look in the bottom right corner where your chat thing is, you can open it, and under (I think) it's called options or something at the top of the box that pops up with all the people online right now, you can click, show offline.  That way they never see you online.

I don't think it is possible to make yourself not show up at all in facebook.  When you search for someone, if they have one, it shows.  You just set everything to private or friends only, so they can't actually see anything on your page.  I may be wrong on that, but last I looked that was how it was.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

barelythere

Thank you, Pooh, I'll try that.  Tool of Satan, Facebook.

barelythere

I emailed my DIL and profusely apologized to her for chatting with her and GDaughter on Facebook. I told her what a nuisance it was to have me do this.  No response.  Usually, because her email goes to her phone, I get a response but not this time. This seems like a little thing but I know her and it seems like she's punishing me.  I think maybe I've grown enough now that I can live through this and not just die over it.  My husband told me that they didn't really care about us but that's hard to deal with for me. I don't want to go back to being her slave girl, though. 

cadagi101

Do you think it would it come accross as a sincere apology if you ring and speak to dil (if she will answer of course).    Technology is wonderful but was it really ever intended to misrepresent or question sincerity of ones messages?    I  couldn't accept an apology in an email.     

barelythere

Hi Julia, thanks for writing. Yes, this is how we've been communicating for awhile.  I went against all my instincts and my 2 best friends who told me not to apologize.  I really didn't do anything wrong but the 3 chats irritated her and my Granddaughter so she probably doesn't know what to say now.  It will pass, surely.  She texts now instead of talking on the phone.  I don't have a phone that texts so this was my best bet...to email. 

cadagi101

Quote from: barelythere on September 10, 2010, 01:58:47 PM
I emailed my DIL and profusely apologized to her for chatting with her and GDaughter on Facebook. I told her what a nuisance it was to have me do this. 

My first thoughts when I read this was you didn't have anything to profusely apologise   about.  as simple oops now i know my chatting embarrassed  gd and    I have learnt an important  lesson I won't do that again.     Admitting your comments were a nuisance to her can give an immediate thought of "yes you
were"  gd mightn't have thought it was a nuisance she was just a bit embarrassed she'll get over it it is character building.    I don't know your earlier posts but I'm guessing you are a mum who jumped through hoops for you dc.    Now you are a gm who jumps through hoops for her family. I think 99%  of us did or do for our dc and some are paying the price now, which is showing absolute disrespect for the ones that love them the most and did the most for them. 

Quote from: barelythere on September 10, 2010, 01:58:47 PM
. I don't want to go back to being her slave girl, though. 

Don't be a slave to anyone.  In the long run  dil and gd will respect you much more if you don't give in to there every demand.    My parents  now have my son living with them and he treats them with so much disrespect because they saw him often and were such a big part of his life and they "jumped through hoops for him       He lives with them because he gets what he wants.  His other grandma is the opposite and a very strong woman and strong opinions and is kind but tough and won't take nonesense from them.   As children they polite and well mannered around her.     

Even though our children can spend hours in front of a mirror and we think they want to know they are pretty I think it is mistake to tell them often.   Instead she would want to hear she is clever smart and I admire your strengths etc.    How hard is it to be a gm?  not    (I can't wait lol) 
Don't make it into a drama by apologising for being human.....I hope I haven't overdramisised it either it is such a small issue.  Don't worry about it for another minute.

Miss Understood

Quote from: cremebrulee on September 10, 2010, 11:49:41 AM
Quote from: barelythere on September 10, 2010, 11:46:41 AM
Could someone PLEASE tell me in plain English how to edit my profile and account settings so no one can "chat" with me or see what I am doing or even my name on the side on Facebook, Satan's tool of murder?

LOL
Go into facebook
go into account
go into privacy settings
click on customize settings
then click everyone "Friends Only"
and no one but friends will be able to see your information
You can also modify it so that you customize and only some people can see your posts, pics, etc. You can put them in groups too. It's easier than it sounds. If you have problems, let me know and I can help you.

barelythere

Quote from: Julia on September 10, 2010, 04:22:42 PM
Quote from: barelythere on September 10, 2010, 01:58:47 PM
I emailed my DIL and profusely apologized to her for chatting with her and GDaughter on Facebook. I told her what a nuisance it was to have me do this. 

My first thoughts when I read this was you didn't have anything to profusely apologise   about.  as simple oops now i know my chatting embarrassed  gd and    I have learnt an important  lesson I won't do that again.     Admitting your comments were a nuisance to her can give an immediate thought of "yes you
were"  gd mightn't have thought it was a nuisance she was just a bit embarrassed she'll get over it it is character building.    I don't know your earlier posts but I'm guessing you are a mum who jumped through hoops for you dc.    Now you are a gm who jumps through hoops for her family. I think 99%  of us did or do for our dc and some are paying the price now, which is showing absolute disrespect for the ones that love them the most and did the most for them. 

Quote from: barelythere on September 10, 2010, 01:58:47 PM
. I don't want to go back to being her slave girl, though. 

Don't be a slave to anyone.  In the long run  dil and gd will respect you much more if you don't give in to there every demand.    My parents  now have my son living with them and he treats them with so much disrespect because they saw him often and were such a big part of his life and they "jumped through hoops for him       He lives with them because he gets what he wants.  His other grandma is the opposite and a very strong woman and strong opinions and is kind but tough and won't take nonesense from them.   As children they polite and well mannered around her.     

Even though our children can spend hours in front of a mirror and we think they want to know they are pretty I think it is mistake to tell them often.   Instead she would want to hear she is clever smart and I admire your strengths etc.    How hard is it to be a gm?  not    (I can't wait lol) 
Don't make it into a drama by apologising for being human.....I hope I haven't overdramisised it either it is such a small issue.  Don't worry about it for another minute.

Julia, thank you so much for being so understanding to me. It's hard because I know and my husband knows they have used us to death.  They don't need us anymore so now we're quite a nuisance. My GD, who I practically raised because I babysat so much was one who I just adored. Now, at 13, she's become quite the smart aleck. I went from being her favorite friend to being a problem. I guess girls get that way?  I was just thrilled when they friended me so when her comments would come into my site, I might comment on them.  Then, someone told me how to chat.  I'm afraid I'll never see them again.  They already are becoming less and less a family.  Being a Mother is not worth it.

cadagi101


Julia, thank you so much for being so understanding to me. It's hard because I know and my husband knows they have used us to death.  They don't need us anymore so now we're quite a nuisance. My GD, who I practically raised because I babysat so much was one who I just adored. Now, at 13, she's become quite the smart aleck. I went from being her favorite friend to being a problem. I guess girls get that way?  I was just thrilled when they friended me so when her comments would come into my site, I might comment on them.  Then, someone told me how to chat.  I'm afraid I'll never see them again.  They already are becoming less and less a family.  Being a Mother is not worth it.
[/quote]


It is easy to understand you..you are a kind loving gm who worships her gd.   And I have a a 13year old daughter and lovely parents who adore there gc.  You say they used you?  well that is in the past.   You will never be used again, how great does it feel to say that to yourself??   and you ARE NOT a nusiance your dil is a pain in the butt, selfish and insecure.   If you think you will never see them again and I don't know if that is right,  it might be a blessing in disguise.  Be patient.   Your gd will remember you as her lovely dgm who practically raised her.   She will remember the great times she had with you...and when she is past the teenage years and matures that is when she will want to be in your life.   You probably hate the thought of missing out on those years with her but she is a bit of a smart alec now.    Let her mother have those very difficult and the "it's hard to love you  when you treat us like that years".   gm as a friend might be cool when your a child but hey i'm a teenager now gm is gm and that is all.  gd is growing up.    I have thouight to myself being a mother to a 18 year old girl and 20 year old son isn't worth it, when they make you worry to the point of your own quality of life goes down the tube and they treat me with disrespect and emotional abuse.   I am stronger now,  mostly due to this site.  I am a calmer person because I know I am not alone and neither are youi, you are luckier than many gm you had a lot of quality time with gd.  Many gm are turned away the day baby is born.  Wishing you the very best