cant go on..........

[Nana]

Dear cdb:

I also confirm these when out of weariness  I stepped back to stop dil from punching me, voila.... she turned to be a totally different person with me.  It was until then when it hit her.  She was about to lose all the good things she had with us.  We did not asked for nothing else in return but to be accepted as part of their family.  She knew perfec tly well we respected their privacy and their decisions.   

When being all nice and giving doesnt work, walking out of their lives is the best decision and the only hope we can have of her reconsidering her attitude.  We do not respect the weak....why.?....I dont know that.  Crying....begging....taking all, will not change anything. Good luck and hugs!

[cdb]

I find it good to re-read these posts and see a different perspective when we are feeling different or are in a different place with our feelings. Today, I was willing to sell my soul to the devil to see my grandkids. That feeling passed in about a half an hour. Then, I realized that I should be very angry at how I was screamed at and accused of things I didn't do. There has to be a happy medium somewhere, but it is not now. All I can do is take one day at a time and keep on working on me. My heart is still breaking from not seeing my grandkids, but time does help and staying way does too. I realize we all did the best we could as parents and we all are only human and do make mistakes. Everyone makes mistakes. I am not going to rehash the incident with my daughter, even if she brings it up. It is over and one with. When she is willing to come around, I am only going to focus on the present. AT least that is my plan for now.  And Thanks NANA for the message to me. cdb

[jomama]

I feel your hurt and the desire to give up. I have been there and still feel that immense feeling of losing my grandchildren, now that my daughter has 2. I am hurting now that I haven't seen them for a long time. My heart goes out to you. I can say one thing. I am surviving thanks to this site. And in the future, our grandkids will need us and come to us. That gives me hope.
IN the meantime, do whatever you can for YOU. I joined a women's group and have 2 new friends that I just love. We meet out for a pop and talk on the phone. WE laugh and I feel young again. They have problems with their kids not letting them see their grandkids too. So, we live our lives and like I said, laugh and laugh and laugh.
We all look forward to seeing each other once a week. It takes time to meet new friends. I actually met them at a abuse center group. I feel my daughter is abusing me and yes, the center agrees. It is emotional abuse, so that may be an option for you too. I can talk about it there. And i learn from others who share.
I feel your pain. I feel it very deeply indeed. But, I have enjoyed using the money I would have used to buy things for my daughter or grandchildren on me now. I won't even stop by the toy depeartment anymore or baby clothes. I aonly look for things for me so I can look better and feel better. Keep in touch here. Keep us posted. God Bless, cdb

I just said the same thing to my son this morning. I'm new here and working my way through the threads. I can't tell you how much it helps to know there are others who understand how terrible being 'cut off' feels. You ladies are lifesavers! I'm almost to the point where I can think about my grandkids and only cry once a day.

[barelythere]

I feel your hurt and the desire to give up. I have been there and still feel that immense feeling of losing my grandchildren, now that my daughter has 2. I am hurting now that I haven't seen them for a long time. My heart goes out to you. I can say one thing. I am surviving thanks to this site. And in the future, our grandkids will need us and come to us. That gives me hope.
IN the meantime, do whatever you can for YOU. I joined a women's group and have 2 new friends that I just love. We meet out for a pop and talk on the phone. WE laugh and I feel young again. They have problems with their kids not letting them see their grandkids too. So, we live our lives and like I said, laugh and laugh and laugh.
We all look forward to seeing each other once a week. It takes time to meet new friends. I actually met them at a abuse center group. I feel my daughter is abusing me and yes, the center agrees. It is emotional abuse, so that may be an option for you too. I can talk about it there. And i learn from others who share.
I feel your pain. I feel it very deeply indeed. But, I have enjoyed using the money I would have used to buy things for my daughter or grandchildren on me now. I won't even stop by the toy depeartment anymore or baby clothes. I aonly look for things for me so I can look better and feel better. Keep in touch here. Keep us posted. God Bless, cdb

I just said the same thing to my son this morning. I'm new here and working my way through the threads. I can't tell you how much it helps to know there are others who understand how terrible being 'cut off' feels. You ladies are lifesavers! I'm almost to the point where I can think about my grandkids and only cry once a day.

Dear Jomama,
I don't know what happened to have you in cut off but I can tell you that you will learn many things during this time.  You will get more adept at hardening your heart, which is something I'm sure you never thought you'd have to do with your own kids.  It does make it so much worse if there are Gchildren involved.

We do have a tendency to fall in love with our grandchildren. (I don't mean that literally, though I've read about some Daughters in law taking that to the inth degree and making it something else)  SOME MILs have to stand by in virtual suspension and not pay too much attention to the GC or the DIL/Son and family--- but if we pay no attention, well, then they think we don't care about them.  We could get cut off for that too, not caring.

I hope you'll post and while posting know that there are some of us who are kind of past this.  I have a good relationship with my DILs but now I know the lay of the land. I didn't at first.  I thought because we were loved by their friends, we be loved by them.  You/me likely wanted a family member.  We wanted to love them as a Daughter, maybe they're not interested in that.   Anyway, your heart will not be as soft, hopefully and you might view them as outsiders you love but not insiders where you'd lay down your life for them.   

It might take some time but you will get to the point that you don't get crushed at every turn.  I wish that for you.  You'll get there

[Annie123]

B.T.. Isn't it so sad and really heartbreaking to be hurt the worst by the one's you love the most?
I always thought of myself as tough enough and able to bounce back in what ever life threw my way. But when one of my Son's had some problems, Well that is when I learned that NOTHING in life could bring you to your knees faster than your own child! I wish for you love and happiness soon!

[jomama]

This is the short version, believe it or not 

My daughter has always been a master manipulator-especially to her ex and ILs.   Her ex was always addicted to one drug or another; they have 3 children, she worked full time and put herself thru nursing school. I'm still proud of her for that. I moved to TX 10 years ago to care for my father, they stayed in NC.  She's become quite an accomplished liar over the years.

Five years ago, she started trying to pull one over on me-always some excuse why she needed money for the kids,of course. He spent it on drugs, her paycheck was short, etc. Her ex-FIL had always helped with the kids, bills, whatever-so this didn't jive. Finally, she called and said CPS was there to take the kids. Heavy drug use, both of them. Called atty, he had the signed custody papers ready when I got there. Brought kids to TX (she refused to come along or even meet me) and spent the next year and $20K fighting to keep the kids out of NC state care. I can't believe the lengths she goes to hurt the exIL; everything she says is a lie. Court awards sole temporary custody to me. DD is in and out of our lives for the next several years; in when she behaves, runs off when her lies catch up to her.

Fast forward to now- she's been behaving and working here for 3 years, remarried and another beautiful granddaughter born last year.   The agreed upon conditions have been met and I relinquish custody to her. I had been agonizing over this-she's suddenly all gungho to become a Mormon now, after dragging her dh away from his family in Utah to avoid it; she thinks she secretly had the baby blessed. She'd been complaining about her boss' actions and worried she'd be fired. I knew in my bones something was up, but I had nothing concrete. The judge did order that she remain in the vicinity, among other things.
The very next day, she tells me she's been fired and they're all moving to Utah in 6 days. Whoosh! swing and a miss. His mom and sis show up to help pack , I'd met them months ago and we got along just fine. This time, nothing but angry stares and whispered remarks. My sons and I knew immediately something was up, but she denied it. We returned the next day to move the furniture they borrowed from me and it was gone. They packed up and left in the night.
My grandson called when they reached Utah and when she found out she blocked me from his phone. No calls, no explanation, nada. Her ex-boss tells me they agreed not to press charges if she left quietly- the day before we went to court! Turns out she'd been falsifying records, among other things. Now the pieces all fell in place for me.

Three days later, one of my sons shows me what she's posted on her Facebook page. Didn't see that coming. But I'm over that part, I refuse to acknowledge her ridiculous  accusations. It's all for the benefit of her new ILs.  I give 'em six months to see the cracks. She played the only card she had left.  Silenced the music of my soul.

The thought of not seeing or holding or laughing with the gc is just not bearable yet.
The baby just had her 1 st birthday. How long before she forgets me? 

[barelythere]

This is the short version, believe it or not 

My daughter has always been a master manipulator-especially to her ex and ILs.   Her ex was always addicted to one drug or another; they have 3 children, she worked full time and put herself thru nursing school. I'm still proud of her for that. I moved to TX 10 years ago to care for my father, they stayed in NC.  She's become quite an accomplished liar over the years.

Five years ago, she started trying to pull one over on me-always some excuse why she needed money for the kids,of course. He spent it on drugs, her paycheck was short, etc. Her ex-FIL had always helped with the kids, bills, whatever-so this didn't jive. Finally, she called and said CPS was there to take the kids. Heavy drug use, both of them. Called atty, he had the signed custody papers ready when I got there. Brought kids to TX (she refused to come along or even meet me) and spent the next year and $20K fighting to keep the kids out of NC state care. I can't believe the lengths she goes to hurt the exIL; everything she says is a lie. Court awards sole temporary custody to me. DD is in and out of our lives for the next several years; in when she behaves, runs off when her lies catch up to her.

Fast forward to now- she's been behaving and working here for 3 years, remarried and another beautiful granddaughter born last year.   The agreed upon conditions have been met and I relinquish custody to her. I had been agonizing over this-she's suddenly all gungho to become a Mormon now, after dragging her dh away from his family in Utah to avoid it; she thinks she secretly had the baby blessed. She'd been complaining about her boss' actions and worried she'd be fired. I knew in my bones something was up, but I had nothing concrete. The judge did order that she remain in the vicinity, among other things.
The very next day, she tells me she's been fired and they're all moving to Utah in 6 days. Whoosh! swing and a miss. His mom and sis show up to help pack , I'd met them months ago and we got along just fine. This time, nothing but angry stares and whispered remarks. My sons and I knew immediately something was up, but she denied it. We returned the next day to move the furniture they borrowed from me and it was gone. They packed up and left in the night.
My grandson called when they reached Utah and when she found out she blocked me from his phone. No calls, no explanation, nada. Her ex-boss tells me they agreed not to press charges if she left quietly- the day before we went to court! Turns out she'd been falsifying records, among other things. Now the pieces all fell in place for me.

Three days later, one of my sons shows me what she's posted on her Facebook page. Didn't see that coming. But I'm over that part, I refuse to acknowledge her ridiculous  accusations. It's all for the benefit of her new ILs.  I give 'em six months to see the cracks. She played the only card she had left.  Silenced the music of my soul.

The thought of not seeing or holding or laughing with the gc is just not bearable yet.
The baby just had her 1 st birthday. How long before she forgets me?

Jomama,
How hard, how hard!  Living life for yourself like she is doing is dreadful and will eventually come back around and bite her in the rear.  What a terribly hard thing for you to deal with.  I'm so sorry. She won't forget you, you're the only one who is still standing.  Stay strong and detach, it's the best thing I ever did. 

[jill]

Dear Jomama,
Just wanted to let you know I am thinking about you.  I am going through the same thing, my older daughter does not want anything to do with me, and has taken my precious gd from my life.   Even though  it is the first thing I think of when I wake up in the morning, I am gradually learning to push it out of my mind.  I think God gives us that inner strength to deal with these things. 
The ladies on this site give wonderful advice, I am sure it will give you comfort.   

[irenic]

"Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets; so love the people who treat you right, PRAY for the ones who don't, and believe that everything happens for a reason. Have faith in yourself and live your life right. Remember you are only in control of yourself and no one else."

I love the above quote, I a not sure how to highlight it.  We have all endured this, I know I am in the same situation, it has been a year now.  My daughter refuses to talk to me,
she willn ot let me talk to the kids, won't let me see them, and I am dumbfounded by her behavior.  We may never have an answer, but we must strive to make out lives the best
we can.  I have been watching a friends two children, give them all my love, and I do for others, thinking of others needs and trying to help.  In other words, I have to get out of self, but
make self the best I can.  It is the most excruciating pain, losing a child and not understanding why.  I have good days and bad days, and some days my D is all that I can think about.
I think venting is crucial, on the days we need people the most we have to reach out, and the days we have good days, reach a hand out to someone else.

We all seem to be hanging in, hanging on and have different ways we cope.  I am thankful I found this place and am here for you if you need to vent.

Peace and serenity to you today.
Irenic

[luise.volta]

I - What a beautiful post! You have come so far! Bless your heart!

[Annie123]

Peace and serenity to you also Irenic! that was a wonderful reply/post. It lifted my heavy heart this morning. So thank you for that.. I'm sorry for all of the pain you are in! And you also "Jill"! I'll remember you both in my prayers today! Also praying for you and your family too jomama! And all of you! God Bless, Annie