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Daughter in law is very bitter towards her father

Started by Kathy, September 05, 2010, 09:04:01 PM

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Pooh

There is a big difference in showing concern and talking behind someone's back.  She said that they did not know prior to doing it, that it would upset DIL. For most people that attend Church, it would be totally normal to say to your friends, "Please pray for my DIL's grandfather that is ill."   I see that in no way as gossip.  I have told my own Mother to please keep my DIL's Mother in her prayers because she was sick.  Was I gossiping?  No, I just believe in the power of prayer.

Now that she has been told by DIL that those things are to be kept private, then it is different.  I would have apologized to my DIL upon finding out it upset her and told her I had no idea that was a secret.  But I also would have expected my DIL to accept the apology, at face value and move on.

Relationships are a two-way street and not everything is up to the MIL to make work or up to only the DIL to make work.  It takes both parties willing to communicate and give.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Miss Understood

Pooh....I am like you....I apologize immediately when I "know" I have stepped on someone's toes or feelings. In a perfect world though...our apologies would be accepted and you move forward. That is not always the case and maybe this DIL is just using that situation as a crutch or reason...my DIL did. If it wasn't the Bike Ride, it would have been something else. It seems very childish and immature that our Adult Children expect that everyone else toe a straight line and there is no room for error when it comes to us...but they are allowed to and we are supposed to take it. I would never have given my mother a list or let alone my MIL a list of shortcomings. My DIL gave my DS a list that he didn't knew existed and now....That is all he sees...her list. Who cares? I sure can make a list, we all can make a list. Kathy. Don't be so hard on yourself. Burn the list and make your own. I like my list :) Stand on the truth, continue to pray for the DIL and her family and who ever you choose. Just do the smart thing and don't tell her anymore. Man...If I could go back to the day I went for a bike ride...knowing what I know now...I probably would have kept my mouth shut. I wasn't given the do's and don't list....I was supposed to read their minds. We are all misunderstood and all human and all loving to our adult children. All of us. I have not heard from an abusive, mean nasty mother or mil on here ever.
"I may be a pain in the rear....but my heart is in the right place." That's my new motto....above my new list.
Make one Kathy and believe in yourself.

barelythere

Quote from: Miss Understood on September 07, 2010, 10:37:18 AM
Pooh....I am like you....I apologize immediately when I "know" I have stepped on someone's toes or feelings. In a perfect world though...our apologies would be accepted and you move forward. That is not always the case and maybe this DIL is just using that situation as a crutch or reason...my DIL did. If it wasn't the Bike Ride, it would have been something else. It seems very childish and immature that our Adult Children expect that everyone else toe a straight line and there is no room for error when it comes to us...but they are allowed to and we are supposed to take it. I would never have given my mother a list or let alone my MIL a list of shortcomings. My DIL gave my DS a list that he didn't knew existed and now....That is all he sees...her list. Who cares? I sure can make a list, we all can make a list. Kathy. Don't be so hard on yourself. Burn the list and make your own. I like my list :) Stand on the truth, continue to pray for the DIL and her family and who ever you choose. Just do the smart thing and don't tell her anymore. Man...If I could go back to the day I went for a bike ride...knowing what I know now...I probably would have kept my mouth shut. I wasn't given the do's and don't list....I was supposed to read their minds. We are all misunderstood and all human and all loving to our adult children. All of us. I have not heard from an abusive, mean nasty mother or mil on here ever.
"I may be a pain in the rear....but my heart is in the right place." That's my new motto....above my new list.
Make one Kathy and believe in yourself.

Hear Hear!! Miss Understood...you are one wise woman! Thank you for speaking for many of us.  Giving my parents a list, please! Like they're 3 years olds.

Pooh

Oooh....love the new motto.  Let's see...we should all have one.  Mine shall be:

"Sometimes you can get a splinter even sliding down a rainbow"
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Miss Understood

Hahaha! BT....what was I thinking when I took that garbage? What were they thinking when they dished it out? You were right...it was like the light was going to come one...it did.

O.K. One think I would like to say is that we all WANT to have this relationship with them, the one we anticipated, the one we waited and worked for their whole life as they were growing up. The dream of being grandparents and spoiling them rotten and then sending them home. For a long time, my parents weren't the grandparents that I wanted them to be. They traveled and had thier own life... So, when I had my first GC....I became so wrapped up in my GD and thought that is what it was supposed to be like. Well, when the other one's came along...same thing. Everything for the GC. But...then my DS and DIL had theirs and I am not allowed to be what I thought I was supposed to be like...made me wonder how my kids all raised under the same roof could be so different and treat me so different too. I took the blame...read their list....then poppy cock! I woke up!
It really isn't about me....even if they try to make it that it is. My DD says that she feels blessed to have me in her life and the grandmother I am too. I am holding on to that...it is much more palateable then the cursing and negative list that is imaginary and nothing but a self loathing anger list because they made choices that they have live with. Always blame the other....at least when you are immature. It's easier...but one day...you wake up and then realize you were wrong and you hope that the one's you wronged are still around.

neecee

I send my best thoughts.  when I first came to this site, I couldn't see any light at all.  There are still good days and terrible weekends.  I find the wisdom of "distance" to heal me the most.  Never would I have recommended such a tact, but it is now the best part in my bag of healing things to do.  Another thing to consider is "not looking for logic".  There is no logic here.  It is only about escaping their pain and deflecting it in some other direction.

This theme is so prevalent, I almost had to look for a signature, wondering if this was my post!  The point isn't about us, but knowing that you are in such large company. 

You will likely never know what started these "misunderstandings".  After getting some distance and talking this ad nauseum, most people read the situation as a completely outrageous and say, "there by the grace of God go I".

I was taught by a very good practitioner years ago, to listen to what my gut is saying.  Well, my gut and yours feels "punched".  It is known as the sucker punch.

Kathy

Pooh..
I appreciate your comments because they are right on track.  You understand my situation better than MagicGram.  First of all, her father and mother attended our church and that is how we met them.. My son fell in love with their daughter through the church,..He was an active member and was even appointed chairman of the Board of Management..Since my husband was church Treasurer and still is...They became close friends..It wasn't until after the wedding of my son to their daughter, that we found out the double life that was playing out in their home..The marriage was a sham from the beginning.  My DIL's mother told me that her hubby had been having affairs for a long time..couldn't keep a job and generally was not pulling his weight in the marriage..We knew nothing of this and neither did my son.  so..after the wedding...He walks out.  leaves the church and us and moves to a different place.  Divorce took place..the whole thing.  Now..my DIL is devastated and blames her dad for leaving her mom..She is bitter and does not tell us all the story..We had no idea how bad her homelife had been..
So..we see the baby and I say" has father seen his GC  lately???    Bad move on my part.  Neither me nor my husband were suppose to mention him and since we don't know the "whole story""  then we could not possibly understand her reaction.

So thanks Pooh..you are right on here.   We knew her father very well.   We did not know her grandfather very well.. He was a big influence in her life.  A great photographer..and a great man..she held him with great pride.  So he has this sudden heart attack out west.   We only met him at their wedding..However..everyone at church knew my DIL and her mother...  So..we mentioned it to only a few folks...the Pastor..the youth pastor and a friend of hers..She and my son left the church because they felt people were "too critical"of them.,.duh...




So..there is a big difference betwen showing concern and talking behind their backs.  It was totally normal to ask for prayer for her grandfather...who died ...by the way...a few days later... We sent a sympathy card to my son and DIL as well as to her mom.  But by now..it was too late...because the damage had already been done...wWe found out later..that DIL didn't want anyinfo getting back to her dad..since there are folks who still talk to him in the church..   sad huh???  this whole thing is very sad.   I did apologize to my DIL  and I did so through e-mail..the same way she had blasted me..She anever confronted me in person..no..and even when the list of faults was rpresented. she never madee eye contact with me...My son did all the talking and pulled this list out of his wallet which he then promptly put back in his wallet...I do not have it.
Quote from: Pooh on September 07, 2010, 10:22:25 AM
There is a big difference in showing concern and talking behind someone's back.  She said that they did not know prior to doing it, that it would upset DIL. For most people that attend Church, it would be totally normal to say to your friends, "Please pray for my DIL's grandfather that is ill."   I see that in no way as gossip.  I have told my own Mother to please keep my DIL's Mother in her prayers because she was sick.  Was I gossiping?  No, I just believe in the power of prayer.

Now that she has been told by DIL that those things are to be kept private, then it is different.  I would have apologized to my DIL upon finding out it upset her and told her I had no idea that was a secret.  But I also would have expected my DIL to accept the apology, at face value and move on.

Relationships are a two-way street and not everything is up to the MIL to make work or up to only the DIL to make work.  It takes both parties willing to communicate and give.


barelythere

Kathy, you did nothing wrong. Nothing.  Anyone who has been in church any length at all knows people of the congregation ask for prayer.  It is considered a family, the church you're in.   Your DIL is embarrassed and probably doesn't want you to know how fragile and human her family is/was. It probably humiliated her and she is acting out.  Course, your son, the friendly "gofer", like they all are carried her list to you trying to be the good husband.  "Let's blame the MIL"  Oldest game in the world.  Don't worry...this will pass. You did nothing to cause this.  Don't let her make you think you did.

luise.volta

Yup, you're clear. We voted! Now, just don't look for understanding beyond our forum! Remember the rule..."They aren't going to clutter this up with logic." You need many different points of view to dig your way out of a maze like this...and we have offered that...with love.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Kathy

Thanks once again ...I have a response for Magic gram and will still post it ..However..before I do..please tell me how to type on this site..I seem to run out of space and then I can't type or see what I am typing..also how do you applythe quotes..before or after what you type..I can't seem to figure out how to type once I put a quote in my post..It just slows down and I have nospace left.   
very frustrating..to say the least..

Thanks..so much.. you are all great here...

I do have to explain bit to MagicGram though ..so I will post another reply to her...
I

Kathy

MagicGram

You are not seeing the whole picture here.   I am not seeking sympathy from my son or his wife..I can't walk because I can't bend my knee..every step hurts..I don't have to say anything..One can tell I am in pain..I do not seek sympathy from anyone.


My son had no idea  of his wife's former life in that home.   He still doesn't know it all and may never know.     Her feelings towards her father are colouring her  view of life in general ..Why do you suppose they left our church...?  It wasn' because of my critical spirit..it was because she can't handle anyone criticing her or challenging her point of view..whether it was telling the children's story or whether it was how she handled the job of taking photos for the church directory .  She felt threatened by everyone and certainly we did not threaten or critize anything she did in church....If anything , I often mentioned to her that she should be a teacher because she did the job so well..  A person with a great gift for scrapbooking and for making cards and leading children's programs...wow..she has a great gift...but...she can't take criticism and when dished out she   left...She can't handle it and my point is she has been hurt terribly by her father...So..it comes around to us..and we are also threatening her somehow..  I really don't know. ..if you ask me My husband and I both thnk she needs counselling.
 



















Pen

Hey Kathy, it looks like you've figured out the page size dilemma, but in case anyone else needs to know, here's how to create more writing space: Put your cursor on the line that separates the bottom of the writing area from the rest of the web page until you see the little double-headed arrow. Click and drag to enlarge your writing area. Full disclosure, it took me a time or two to figure it out ::)

Kathy, best wishes to you. This is surely a painful time, and many of us have been there or are there now as well. Keep moving forward, resist getting stuck, but know that occasionally you may have a setback. It's OK. {{{hugs}}}

The most difficult thing about all this is that we're often dealing with people who've been so hurt before we ever came along that they are very confused. Their emotions are in turmoil, and we're an easy scapegoat for their anger or whatever. As Luise says, there's no way to make sense out of a situation that makes no sense (or something like that.) We can only change ourselves, sadly, and until your DIL decides on her own to get help with her issues her behavior isn't likely to change.


Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb