Son's wedding

[elky41]

Okay.....here goes.  In March of this year I left my unhappy marriage of 29 years to reunite with a man from my past.  I am very happy with this man.....I have never been happier.  The problem?  My 3 sons, and their significant others have listened to my mother and now believe that I am a terrible person.  You see, my mother hates me....the man that I am with is my cousin.  She has turned my children against me, and I am heartbroken.  I spoke with all of my children before I left their father.  They knew how miserable I was, they saw it with their own eyes their whole life.  My dil, who I told where I was going, seemed supportive....even to the point of telling me that she knew that I had not been happy in the 8 years that she has known me, and that her own parents were related cousins.  I have taken care of my grandchildren for 6 years, my granddaughter who just turned 6 has been my sunshine since the day she was born.  Since I have left, I am not allowed to have contact with the grandchildren, nor will my children speak to me.  I sent a gift for my grandson's b/d, but it was returned.  I have been told to leave them alone.  My mother stole many of my items from my home....(she lives there with my ex).....and feels that it is her right to have them!  Anyway.....way off the subject.....my youngest son is getting married on Oct 9, and I have been told that I am not welcome.  I recently sent him an e-mail asking if I can stand in the back of the church and see him get married....with no response.  I love my children, I love my grandchildren.....I am trying to move on.....I just cannot believe that children treat their mother with such disrespect.  I love them....yet I dislike the people that they have become.  Ok.....so my question.....do I go and stand in the back of the church while my son marries.....or do I just forget it?  My life has been my children....shame on me!  It was only about what I could do for them!  They claim they are so hurt....yet they seem to forget that I have feeling too!  I am glad to find this site where there are others like myself....I am so glad to not be in this alone.   Everyone tells me to forget about them and move on....I am moving on, but I would love to have them in my life.  Don't get me wrong, I have no regrets about leaving, and I have found the love of my life!  I know I am blessed in that respect.  I just never thought that my children would treat me as if I never existed......Help!

[barelythere]

Hi Elky,
I'm no expert but I'll just bet you that your sons are just reacting to their hurt father.  Just my opinion but I've seen things like this in my life and "time" is the only thing that helps.  Given enough time, I'm sure, especially if your former husband gets on with his life and your sons can see your happiness,  they will come around.  Many blessings on your new life.  I've seen time take care of so many things that seemed hopeless. 

[elky41]

Thanks barelythere......but the funny thing is.....my ex has been nothing more than very nice to me.  He even told me that he doesn't allow anyone to say anything in front of him about me.  He was happy.....I was not.  Anyway, I know that time heals all wounds, but I am just so upset and heartbroken over all of this.....my children were my life, and I did everything that I could for them......my heart hurts that they feel the way they do.  My bf is very supportive.....8 years ago he had a very similar situation with his daughter, so I am blessed.  I know I need to concentrate on the wonderful life that I have, the love that I have found, and the promise of a life mate and forget the rest.  After all, none of us lives forever.....I am 52, he is 63.....so we are not kids.  I can only hope that my children can someday see me as the mother who loved them, and not the woman who left their father.

[barelythere]

Oh, I didn't realize your husband was happy? That's very good....I do think time will be good to you but in the meantime, your heart has to be broken over the distant relationship with your sons.  We all know how you feel and my heart goes out to you. One day at a time. 

[luise.volta]

It was a rude awakening for me when I left my first husband after 18 miserable years to find that my eldest son couldn't car less whether I was happy or not. I was suppose to finish what I stated and not inconvenience him. Kids, (and yes, adult-children) can be so self-absorbed. And being with a first-cousin has a taboo to it that they can jump on. I wouldn't go to the wedding and stand in the back. It is their wedding and I think you should honor what they want...however cruel. The whole thing is so ruthless and so totally unnecessary. I pray they will figure that out some day. Until then, the ball is in the their court and you have your own life to live and your own joy to experience and express. Sending love...

[elsieshaye]

Seconding Luise's suggestion to not go to the wedding.  You can't force them to talk to you or accept you, as unfair as that feels.  If you go to the wedding, you're sending the message that you want what you want, and their feelings don't matter, which is the exact opposite of how it sounds like you really feel.  Let them have some space to process what's happened.

[elky41]

Thanks all......I have sent an e-mail to my son regarding his wedding.....but have heard nothing.  Not screw you, nothing.  So, I am guessing that my answer is loud and clear.  I think I just didn't want them to come back in later years and say, "you didn't even come to see me married."  You are all right, the ball is in their court......and the thing that bothers me the most is that my rotten mother will be there in the front row.....I can only hope the Karma Train hits her square on!  I know that is not nice, but she has been awful to me.  She took every single pic I ever had of my children....family....etc out of the house before I could go back and get them.....and then wouldn't give them back.....said they were not mine to have....they belonged to my children!  It has been awful, and to think that your own mother would do that to you!  I guess she really never was a mother!  Anyway, that is a whole other topic!  My problem has always been that I was too nice, and did everything for everyone and NEVER thought of me.  I think half of all of their problems are that they miss that I am not there to do for any of them anymore....I moved 600 miles away!  But, in retrospect.....it is the best thing I have done for me!  The only regret that I have is that I didn't eat them when they were born!  LOL.....We choose our destiny's and we need to be happy or can never make anyone else happy......so, I am enjoying each day with my soulmate!  Love to all.....this is a great site to realize that we are not in this alone!

[luise.volta]

Oh, that tickles me...about her being hit by the Karma Train! I have to admit it! LOL! Sending love...

[elky41]

I am glad that you thought that was funny......when I read your post, I laughed......that's what we all need to laugh as much as possible!  Sending love to all my new found friends!

[Louey0727]

Dear Elky41:
I am agreement with some of the ladies about not attending your son's wedding.  I truly believe you will get treated badly and may even cause a scene.  In your thoughts and prayers relay your best wishes to your son. 
Please do not think I am trying to be hurtful towards you, but it is your son's day and all eyes should be on him and his bride.  I can only visualize what could happen if your family saw you and asked you to leave or even worse make cruel comments and a nasty scene might evolve..
Please be happy with your life and one day when things become a distant memory, your children will mature even more and will come to understand the scenario.  Keep them in your thoughts and in time I am positive they have missed you and will make attempts to contact you. You have not done anything terrible - - how can wanting to be happy be so bad.  As far as your mother is concerned - I will not comment except to say "no one lives forever".

[elky41]

I have already decided that I will not attend unless my sons asks me to.  Honestly, I don't want to go....I don't want there to be a scene, that is not who I am.  I say, "AMEN" to your post that no one lives forever, and when she is gone.....or hopefully before, my children will see her for the manipulating, nasty, woman that she is. 

[cadagi101]

elkie 41, when I read your post I wanted to reply and then I read the next 6 and decided what I had wanted to say was already said.   You said yourself you won't go but I can't help myself, just in case you change your mind about not going to the wedding remember these posts.    Don't go.   Timbuck two to what they think after all you are his mother but it won't make you feel any better going.  They might not even acknowledge you that would be more hurtful to you than missing his 'big day"  it might not last,  you might have a better relationship with your son in years to come and have pride of place at his next wedding.    I'm sorry I said that but and it is  reality I'm afraid 1 in 3 don't last.