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19 year old started therapy and blames me for everything

Started by house7, August 31, 2010, 06:31:25 pm

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house7

So I am divorced and remarried.  2 daughters from first marriage, one son and 2 daughters from second marriage.  my husband and I are loving parents and consider ourselves very supportive of our children. 

when my oldest was 13 we found out that during visitation with my ex husband he was abusing the children.  she stopped visitation at age 8 approximately and only went a few times after that.  I had thought there was a problem and had tried to get her to tell me.  hindsight is 20/20.  Lets just say life went down hill from there.  she rebelled and stopped going to conselling saying it wouldn't help.  she got in trouble with the law, became physically violent, drank, did drugs, had an abortion and moved out at age 16.  she blamed me for the longest time which I understood but realized she was blaming the wrong person.  about 1 year ago she was telling me that she realized that I wasn't to blame and that I was a great mom. 

She started counselling again about 2 months ago which I was happy to hear cause I think she needs to deal with things.  Today she phone and freaked at me about what a horrible unsupportive parent I was that never encouraged her or made her feel worthy of love.  I was blindsided. 

I tried to find out what it was really about but she just kept crying and saying I don't care about her or love her.  I explained that I do care and love her and am sorry for any hurt I caused her or if my actions in anyway made her feel unloved.  her answer was that I was too rational and never yelled and screamed or let my emotions get out of control. 

I am so confused and hurt and don't know how to handle this situation.  any help would be great thanks. 

Pen

Thinking of you and hope things turn around. Take care of yourself during this time; not easy to do, but you're worth it. {{hugs}}
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

luise.volta

She is back in counseling and that may have stirred up a hornet/s nest. I think you should get yourself an advocate. Find a good counselor and see what he/she can do to help you through this. It's not something you want to face alone and I think you need more than our Forum. Keep us appraised, though and we will walk the walk with you. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

cremebrulee

Agree with the other two ladies....I know this must be a very difficult time, but the fact remains, she is in counseling....which may help her a great deal....however, the only advice I have to offer is, you should go as well...really....she needs you there....it might be painful, but in the end, might also mean a more successful relationship....I hope you'll consider it....you don't have to attend her sessions, until the doctor feels your both ready, but it might help him, to help her more, if your there, and would also help you.

Hugs
Creme

elsieshaye

My son actually said the same thing to me a couple of years ago.  He told me that I didn't yell enough, and that he would respect me more if I did.  He saw me as weak, and said that I didn't care as much as his father did, because I didn't yell.   ::)  It took two years, therapy for both of us (individual and joint), and several instances of me pointing out that I'm not a yeller because of the abuse I was raised with, and that he didn't have a right to ask me to violate a boundary that was important to me (not yelling) simply because he was trying to reconcile his father's behavior with his father's claims of loving him.  He recently told me that he now realizes that my not yelling was a show of strength.

You're the "safe" parent that she can unload all her unhappiness onto, because she knows you're not going anywhere.  She's working through the abuse she suffered, and you're getting the fallout from that.  I echo the suggestion that you get a therapist of your own, to support you while you support her.  It's going to be rough for a while, for both of you.  Please try, as hard as this is, to not take what she says personally.
This too shall pass.  All is well.

kathleen

House,

You are "too rational" and don't let loose of your emotions?  I say this is a classic case of You Cannot Win.

If you had been a screamer, no doubt that would be an issue now.

If her counselor is encouraging this, then that is an issue.

Kathleen

Keys Girl

September 02, 2010, 05:12:33 pm #6 Last Edit: September 04, 2010, 03:46:46 pm by luise.volta
If therapy has just been started, it's likely that a lot of bottled up feelings will be coming out and the "It's someone else's fault" is in my opinion a type of denial.  It's a tough row to hoe, but just keep calm and firm.

Another option is to accept blame for everything that ever went wrong in the world.  Including things that went wrong before you were born.  I have a friend who says "I have big shoulders, blame everything on me".  The first World, War, Korean War, everything is her fault.

Just because your daughter says it's your fault doesn't mean that it is true.  That is her opinion at the moment.  We all have our own opinions.....even ones that don't make sense.   I'm saying that her insight and life experience is limited to come to a conclusion like this.

I don't believe any Counselor would encourage this type of behaviour, I think it's party of the process of dealing with whatever she's dealing with.  If there was abuse she may be telling you what she would like to tell her father.....just a thought.

If alcohol is involved Alanon is a wonderful group of people who will give you some support and coping strategies.

Hang in there, "this too shall pass".



"Today I will be as happy as a seagull with a french fry." Author Unknown

cdb

My heart goes out to you. Keep coming here and posting. This site has helped me so much. I think this will be a long situation too. I have learned here that we need to take care of us. Nice meeting you. cdb

elsieshaye

Quote from: Keys Girl on September 02, 2010, 05:12:33 pm
If there was abuse she may be telling you what she would like to tell her father.....just a thought.


This is an excellent, excellent point. 
This too shall pass.  All is well.