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What do you remember about you & your MIL?

Started by cremebrulee, August 27, 2010, 06:32:58 AM

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Sunny1

neecee, thank you.

I think that if you purchased the cards for a birthday / anniversary for them,  intending to send them but genuinely didn't until late, then your intentions are honest. You seem like you are genuinely concerned about your DS/DIL misunderstanding your intentions,  asking them if you had unintentionally hurt their feelings couldn't do any harm.

My story goes a lot further back with my MIL being a master manipulater. I never even had a bridal shower because of her and my SIL...long story. So the bridal shower thank you card with a 'thanks for the 4th of July memories' was downright rude on her part. And after all that she's put me thru, I'm sure she intended it that way.

Pooh

So send her a thank you for attending message back on a "Congratulations on your Plastic Surgery" card?   Oooh, strike that...not productive.....not productive.....

We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Sunny1


neecee

I was doing great with the loss for a very good period of about four months. I really thought I was over things, although I knew some days might be bad here and there.

About 5 weeks ago, I started feeling very distressed again, even though nothing had really changed. I felt my thoughts of the kids were just waterfalling over me again. 

Turns out DIL is pregnant about 5-6 weeks.  So, part ten of a drama that has played too long begins again.

miss_priss

I don't have any positive memories of my current MIL.  I've tried to think of something positive, but really there just isn't anything.  The woman didn't even want to meet me, and when she finally did it was all downhill from there.  I can't honestly say there have been any positive interactions with her.

But the memory that will forever stick out in my mind of her....oh boy. 

DH and I had been together for about 2 years and I was 3 months pregnant when his parents came down to visit.  They did not say how long they were staying until they got to our house...they were staying for almost 3 weeks, which, in itself brought stress, on top of being constantly nauseated and moody from pregnancy.  When they would not confirm how long they were staying, I knew enough of them to know that meant they were staying a while.  I asked DH if he was ok with them staying for an extended period of time, DH shrugged it off like it was nothing. 

Within 2 days of MIL being there I had already had my fill of them.  Snarky comments, rudeness, taking over our house as if it were her own, FIL hogging the remote, and MIL dictating what we were to eat, what time we were to eat....and on top of that, their two dogs were jumping all over our furniture, leaving hair all over the place (I have severe pet allergies MIL just doesn't care about) and one of the dogs pees...on EVERYTHING.  By the end of the 2nd day I had cleaned up easily ten pee stains.  You guessed it, MIL and FIL had cleaned up ZERO.  It was like they genuinely did not care that their pets were destroying our floors.  MIL just giggled and said "awwwwww, he can't help it, he's just old" as she daintily walked over the pee stains.  I was steaming, and wanted the dogs outside, but still I said nothing. 

On the third day, "Pregzilla" as I called her, made her grand appearance.  I had been in meetings all day, came home from working over 10 hours at my job, tired, hungry, moody, nauseated, and just ready to go to bed; to find that my house now smelled like a pet-shelter, my MIL had made some kind of dinner that my pregnant nose and stomach immediately didn't agree with, and to top it all, I had beat DH home from work...so there I was, alone with them.  The very first thing out of my MIL's mouth was "I think it's very rude when you don't call to tell me you'll be late for dinner."  I didn't say anything, I just went to my room, closed the door, and burst into tears.  Any other day that would not have bothered me but it did that day.

When DH arrived a half hour later, she immediately began slamming me, right outside our bedroom door loud enough for even the neighbors to hear her.  "She didn't say a word to me when she got home.  She's got to be the rudest person I've ever met!  What are you doing with such an inhospitable <bleep>?"  DH got her to calm down, then came to talk to me in the bedroom.  I threw up, felt better, and came on out to be civil.  She immediately started in on the comments again.  DH couldn't seem to muster up the courage to say anything to her, so I did.  I told her as calmly as I could that she was a guest in our home, that it was not her home, that her snarky comments would no longer be tolerated, and that on future visits they would need to find a sitter for the dogs or I would help them find a place to board them for the duration of their visit.  I told her and FIL that they were quickly overstepping their boundaries and overstaying their welcome.  She then informed DH and I that I needed to "treat them better on their visits and plan things to entertain them if we were just going to work the whole time they were visiting," and that they should not be considered "guests," but that as family they have the right to come whenever they want and stay as long as they want, and they don't need permission to do it.  She also told me that if I ever tried to keep my unborn child from her she would sue me and DH for "grandparents' rights."  She called me names, screamed at me, shook her water bottle in my face, pointed her finger inches from my face....and DH did nothing to stop her, so she just kept escalating the issue, putting her water bottle in my face, pointing her finger in my face, saying "oh little girl, I bet you'd like to hit me wouldn't you!"...and that's when she said it:  "little girl, you need to respect your elders!" I tossed the contents of my glass of water in her face and shouted "when you ACT like an adult, I'll treat you like one!  Now cool off or leave!"

MIL and FIL left the next morning.  Within a few days I called to apologize to MIL for losing control and throwing water in her face, but told her that I did not apologize for what I had said to her because I really did mean it.  I told her that our home was not her vacation house and that she would no longer be allowed to visit until she could learn to at least be civil to me in our home.  To this day, she tells everyone that we "kicked her out onto the street in the middle of the night for no reason."  It's really awful the sympathy she gets by omitting everything she did to land there.  She has successfully turned nearly her entire family, and FIL's entire family against us.  We are the monsters who "treat her badly," and it's really sad how many people DH and I used to be close to that believe her every word as gospel.  They really think she's a saint!       

So likewise, that's why I'm now eternally skeptical of any MIL who says "I didn't do anything to deserve this."  Call it what you want, but it's an immediate red flag to me.  DH and I have been through hell with this woman, so I will admit that I am somewhat jaded.

But it wasn't always bad.  On a positive note, I want to share a story about my ex-MIL.  She was a wonderful lady, and still is.  My fondest memory of her was when she called me to ask if I would like to participate in a bake sale for her church.  Now, anyone who knows me knows that I can cook great...but my baking skills are in much need of improvement, to say the least, LOL!  I told her that I wasn't great at baking, but that I would be glad to come help her with her own baking.  So I drove the 2 hours to her house on a Saturday morning and we worked nearly all day on cakes, cupcakes, brownies, pies, etc.  When she wrapped all of the items for the sale, she labeled them "Made with Love by <MIL> and <DIL>."  It was something so small, so irrelevant to most people, but it meant so much to me because I knew she meant it, it was just another one of the millions of small ways she told me that she really did love me.  I told my xDH that evening what an awesome day I'd had, just me and his mom.  I still talk to her and see her often.  Still love her, she's such a peach!

Pen

M_P, you've got a truly heinous MIL. Believe that we're not all like the current one, if you can.

I know it's hard because your MIL sounds truly horrid. I can't imagine going through all of that without completely losing it. But we're not all that way. Some of us truly haven't done anything (& DIL will corroborate), or at least nothing even close to what your MIL has done. The red flags may fly, but they're often not warranted. Try believing us?

I'm sorry you were treated so rudely.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

GreatWhiteNorth

I have been in very limited contact with my MIL since around May of 2008 and this is an interesting question because my MIL has pretty much left us alone since about June of this year simply because she has her second oldest son now in the spousal substitution role that my spouse once occupied.

If I could think back as a whole after being away from her for a while, what do I remember most?

The part I remember most was her behavior when I first met her, she has escalated at various times in the time I have known her, I have noticed a pattern there.

I remember being told right off the bat that MIL was this innocent angel who did no wrong while FIL was this horrible beast who maltreated her so. I go and meet these people and I always do what I call the "Richard Hatch" (he was a character on a reality show and the first thing he did was sit in a tree and watch the contestants before deciding who to align with)

So I observed this family, I wanted to see who they were before I made the decision on if I would be comfortable joining this family or not should my  now husband propose one day.

I know alot about abuse, I had a very abusive first marriage and my first degree is in psychology. I was baffled in watching MIL and FIL interact because it was not FIL that had all the text book tell tale signs of being the abuser, it was MIL. I watched MIL set up her husband to give the impression that he abusing her, she had the act complete with walking on egg shells when he made comments such as "the blueberries are bigger in Germany then here in Canada". FIL has a thick German accent that MIL was depending on us not understanding his words through, she would responde to such statements by hanging her head and stating "oh (FILs name) why must you always berate me?", FIL was frustrated, wondering where this came from. MIL was playing a script, playing victim.

The thing with her victim play is what was required of her two sons to "make it up" to her. It was to spend large amounts of their money showering her with big ticket item sort of gifts, especially ones that took all their resources in terms of time in installing them for her. MIL danced in the shower of the gifts and attention she was receiving caring very little about how her sons thinking she was so maltreated was grating at them.

I remember MIL smothering us that summer, not allowing us to have ANY couple time together. We could not even take a walk on the beach without MIL on my husbands other side. We were very much a threesome, MIL was his first wife (so to speak) and I was his second wife, who MIL was sizing up to see if I would fit in to the family. Her definition of fitting in is the question of "am I willing to take a back seat to her?" MIL mistook my observing as a resounding yes I will be okay with this and that is the basis on which she called me "friend"

When my husband proposed, MIL was not happy at all, she looked more lost then anything else. I had 3 weeks of planned vacation that my husband and I would use to plan our wedding starting on December 13th of that year.

December 13th comes along and we get a "rescue call" (I would find in time that these are all the time). MIL had broke her hand. All of a sudden the woman who goes to the doctor for everything she reads about in health magazines refused to see a doctor, the only rescuer that would do is my husband. We take the 2 hour drive to rescue her and she is sitting in her kitchen with her broken hand in a bucket of ice with crocodile tears coming down.

My husband asks her why she did not go see the neighbours, they would have taken her to a hospital, they are like family. MIL at that point lied and claimed they were gone all weekend. We spoke the to the neighbours and no, they were there, they even waved at her from their car as they were pulling into the driveway.

Next thing we know MIL is insisting that she must come live with us, her reasoning was that she did not want FIL seeing her naked and how else will she bathe?

She moved into my house (it was my house at the time, my DH was moving in once we got married) and now we had absolutely no time without her. I could not even move my arm without it touching her, that is how close she was to me at all times. We could not take a walk without her, could not even watch tv without her. Even our conversations had to include her now, my husband would explain to her what I was talking about with every word that came out of my mouth. MIL intruded this much.

The highlight of this experience was MIL asking me to wash her hair. I go into the washroom expecting to see MIL with her head over the sink, only to find her naked in my tub, telling me that it is okay, I can wash her boobs.....(which I did not do)

Finally I had enough and told my husband that I am not marrying him, his mother is just way too much. For all intense purposes he already has a wife in his mother. There is no room for me. I was not interested in this life with him.

My husband decided on his own that he did not want to live like this any more and I agreed to marry him only after he sought counselling and I could see that this spousal substitution he had going on with his mother was going to end.

That week, MIL effectively took away all the time that we had been planning to spend planning our wedding and put the attention onto her.

Oh and for the broken hand, it was a self inflicted injury...I would find in time that MIL self injures for each birth of a grandchild as a means of taking the attention off the newborn and putting it onto herself. For my kids she burned her own face in about 6 dime size spots. For SILs birth she *accidently* fell and the big question now was not "can I see the baby?" but "oh no, why is your hand in a cast MIL?"

Same trend for all the grandchildrens birthdays, not self injuring herself but she would come up with some emergency fiasco that put her in the limelight and effectively took the attention away from the one, or two year old grandchild.

This is the memory that has effected me the most and my MIL is a doozy of a woman, but this is the memory that sticks the most, the one that will always stick in my memory. I have such a hard time forgetting this for some reason, it was just so shocking to me somehow.

There you have it!




Pen

Your experience is truly horrible, GWN. She sounds like a hard case from day one.

My heart goes out to DILs who are dealing with MILs who have major issues regarding their DSs. My DM had to deal with a cruel MIL, my GM, so I've seen this first hand. My GM was the neglected wife of a loner DH; she smothered her narcissistic DS (spousal substitution, possibly) and resented my mother passionately. My mom tried to reassure her, but GM never softened. It really amped up after my GF died. After throwing a huge tantrum which we children witnessed, she did not visit us again. I can only conclude that my parents decided to cut her off somewhat.

And to think my worst crimes as a MIL are having out-dated appliances and no regular pedi/mani app't. Sheesh. If only my DIL knew how really awful it could be...

Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

miss_priss

WOW GWN - that's all I can say, is WOW.  You have the patience of a saint!  I can't honestly say I wouldn't have found a way to put her in a high-security nursing home somewhere far away.   

I appreciate that you bring a psychological perspective to this forum.  I think a lot of the people we are dealing with here have some issues "upstairs," aside from a simple lack of communication skills and plain old "meanness."  Unfortunately, we have to realize that those who truly need help usually won't get it because "they don't have a problem, everyone else does."  Those who are left to pick up the pieces after their tiradic storms through our lives are usually the ones who wind up in therapy.   

GreatWhiteNorth

September 01, 2010, 11:04:55 AM #24 Last Edit: September 01, 2010, 11:13:12 AM by GreatWhiteNorth
Pen- I see what you are saying there. Our neighbour is a lovely lady and I get the impression that her DIL is not so nice to her. When I see this all I can think of is how lucky this DIL is to have our neighbour and if only she would put into perspective what is truly and issue and what is not. I would give my eye teeth to have our neighbour as my MIL.

Miss_priss- Your MIL is the closest I have ever read to my MIL, so I think that you have the patience of a saint as well. I think you are a very bright person who will be just fine though.

In my situation I have never felt that I have the normal MIL/DIL conflict that one hears about, I think in my case it is more that the woman who happens to be my MIL is severely psychologically diseased period, the MIL title is simply the relationship she has to me. I would probably be better suited on a board about horrific psychiatric conditions and how to waddle through those.

But then again, I think you have a point, many of these DILs/MILs that we read on here, there probably is deep psychological issues involved and just as you say, the psychologically disturbed are not the ones that go to counselling or think anything is wrong with them at all, they tend to use projection and scapegoating. It is the victims of these people that suffer, that end up in counselling, that ironically wonder if they are the ones that are insane when they are not.

The biggest thing that I learned and is probably true for many here that have disturbed MILs or DILs, is that even though we are the targets of it, it actually has nothing to do with us at all. In my situation, my DH had an abusive mother-son relationship with his mother well before I ever came along, where it touches me is like the waves in the ocean, it is the ripple effect that I feel. The heart is the dysfunction that existed probably since my DH was just a child from him severely psychologically disturbed mother.

His family does a sort of dance around her, it defines how they behave as a family. Right now her mental condition is getting worse with age as most mental conditions will, especially if they are not effectively treated mental conditions, and the big family dance of dysfunction is to hide her from the mental health community, because if they see her they will surely put her away in a psychiatric institute somewhere. FIL is busy trying to save her from this, BIL is busy trying to save her from this. Of course "saving" her requires them to renovate her cottage again and in BILs case the "saving" requirement so far had four parts.

1. Buy MIL a house out of his own money (even though MIL is loaded) on his street- doing this alleviates her psychological syptoms, this never ended up happening, in the end but it was on the table for a very long time.
2. Gift MIL his sports utility vehicle (the only thing that even remotely bothers MIL about anything written about her is that I have mentioned her "clunky old van"). This is like the house, was on the table for a really long time but MIL declined it after a while, she wants a new one instead now.
3. "Save" MIL by moving her into a townhome complex and pay her rent on her behalf and have all her bills mailed directly to BIL. (MIL had a 2 day long temper tantrum when BIL tried to say no to her then emotionally blackmailed him by telling him that if he does this for her she will seek medical attention for her "condition" but if he will not she will not go- he fullfilled his end of the bargain, MIL did not fillfull hers- only left BIL in tears not knowing what to do next). This did happen, every weekend while she occupied the place, BIL drove down to service her.
4. Go to MILs cottage and reestablish the role of "endless sonny do list completer" but now BIL is in the role instead of my husband. This requires the list that MIL hangs on her fridge of all things that BIL can do for her but also BIL is to think on his own and make a list of all things he can do for her.

Yes, these are things that help MIL, if these things are given to her, her symptoms disappear apparently.....

See the enabling and the cycles...........MIL is simply a very entitled and self centered woman who *only* thinks of herself. She is a severe form of what they refer to as a Malignant Narcissist period.

I see what she is doing to BIL, looks alot like what she did to us years ago, but my job is to let it go and fight our battles not BILs. It is hard, I come dysfunction myself, so this is where  I need to work on my boundaries.




miss_priss

It's funny that you mention "entitlement."  I think some people think that this is a "new generation" thing, when it's anything but.  It has nothing to do with age or generation, its a personality attribute that is as old as the human race itself. 

And MILs like yours and mine are the reason for the negative MIL stereotype.  And I agree with you.  The title "MIL" has nothing to do with it, these people were nuts long before we ever came along.  All we did was expose it.     

Barbie

To Miss Priss, you said
----I appreciate that you bring a psychological perspective to this forum.  I think a lot of the people we are dealing with here have some issues "upstairs," aside from a simple lack of communication skills and plain old "meanness."---- 

I hope I misunderstood your words and if I did please forgive me. I understand your anger towards your MIL as yours is truly one of those extreme cases, but sometimes when you write you come across as if you're attacking some of us here. That is not what we come here for and I believe that is not the intent of this forum. The women here are in need of understanding, most of us don't come here just to vent but to try to learn and make things better for our families as well. Please try to show some compasion. Again, if I misunderstood you I apoligize.

miss_priss

September 01, 2010, 01:34:01 PM #27 Last Edit: September 01, 2010, 01:44:46 PM by miss_priss
Hi Guest1 - I believe you may have misunderstood me.  I apologize if I wasn't clear.  I did not mean to imply that the women on this forum have psychological issues (although we might, who knows?).  What I did mean was that I think that a lot (not all) of the people we have problems with could have psychological issues. Some of the cases we discuss on this forum go far beyond normal communication issues into obvious personality and other psychological disorders.  We are all here to try to cope and understand those issues, and encourage one another through it.  I'm sorry I wasn't clear.   

   

cremebrulee

September 02, 2010, 04:44:14 AM #28 Last Edit: September 02, 2010, 12:01:27 PM by cremebrulee
Ladies, I am truly sorry for what you've had to deal with....your stories are heart wrenching...
All I could think about reading these stories was my very own maternal mother...She hated me from time she became pregnant with me.  Now, from my other postings, I suppose you know her father was an alcoholic and there was incest going on.  All her sisters except one, were mentally incompetent.  One killed herself.  They're mother died very young, from cancer, but from what I understand, my Grandfather was physically abusive, and it must be true, b/c my mother beat me badly. 
I remember her as a child, being married to a very abusive man...he hated me also, used to chase me around the coffee table, calling me a whap and a dego....b/c I'm dark skinned, and don't really know who my real father is?  My mother lies terrible....and it's all for attention...she generates sicknesses, for attention, and when my last really nice step father was dying, she was so mean to him....plus we didn't believe that he was that bad, until the doctor called me....b/c she uses other people to generate attention.

My life as a child with her was horrible....however, the parts where she made me cook, clean, iron, and grocery shop were to my benefit.  I did everything but pay the bills.  I remember my foster mother telling me, that the men at the store used to feel so sorry for me, that she made me grocery shop, they'd help me carry the groceries home...I just thought they were being helpful and doing they're job.

she used to scream at me so badly, that my ears would ring...all about,
"I could have given you up for adoption but didn't"  and I'd think, "I wish you had"  and even told her that once.  She's slap me so hard across the ears, they'd ring, and I can still hear that sound today.  She gave me bloody noses, etc.  She was very cruel and mean...and when I told her I was leaving home and going to work my way thru college, she replied, "no your not, your staying here and working a full time job and pay me back for all the years I raised you".  Well, I worked since I was 13 years old and handed every cent over to her. 

So, I told my boyfriend I was leaving and he said, marry me instead, I love you and we'll be fine.  He was a rock for me during high school, along with my foster parents....I don't know what I would have done today without them....they were my lifeline.

What I struggle with is this....I feel very sorry for her...she has no friends....none...but she uses people....big time....always has.....and I don't go to see her much except on her birthday, mother's day, Thanksgiving and Christmas.  I always give her money, b/c if I buy her a gift, she makes me take it back and get her something else, which always costs more.

When I was little, she'd do the same thing....and when I left home and she married the nice man who was my last step father, she made him do all the grocery shopping....and made him go back if he got something wrong.   Actually she'd find something wrong, just to make your life miserable. 

she'd make me clean and iron, before I'd go out to play...and I'd try to get done so I'd have some play time, however, if it wasn't done right I had to do it all over again....

she talked about everyone, no one was any good, and she was brutal....hated people who were well to do...hated herself really. 

I could tell you stories that would make your hair stand up on your arms, but I refuse to go there any longer, and some of the things, I just would be to embarrassed to write or tell anyone about.  I did see a physcologist for a long time while I was married....and told him everything.  My husband would go in after me, and told me, the doctor shook his head saying, "I've know women who were much less off then her, and are in mental hospitals.  She's a strong girl" 

It's been difficult not to hate her, and I really don't think of her as my mother, I can't.  And I don't hate her, but am very very angry with her for the way she treated my step father.  The doctor himself called me to the hospital, on a Sunday no less....and when I got there, he started yelling, "you mother is a sick woman and should be hospitalized and proceeded to tell me how mean she was to my step dad.  She made him feel so unwanted and sad....you see, he has to have a bag put on....he had cancer...and she went crazy about the smell and that she wasn't going to take care of him and he was a burden to her.  However, it was HIS home they lived in, and he left everything to her.  Do you know, the moment he died, she wanted to race home, cuz she kept saying, over and over again..."I know he changed the will, I know he changed the will". 
He didn't. 

Anyway, I feel guilty at times, b/c I don't really care about her....well, I do and I don't, if that makes sense?  But I believe most of it is guilt, and I wonder how God feels about me.  It's just so darn hard to visit her....or call her on the phone.  She is really sick....you walk in, and before she closes the door she starts in about her, her, her....her bills, her sicknesses, and any other disgusting thing she can think of to talk about, and if you try and ignore her and watch the TV, she keeps on going, never stopping, never asking you if you want something to drink, or how is my son, her grand son....etc.  It's all about her...and then she starts in on me, and my foster parents, and how she should have never left me go with them while she was working, and what a horrible daughter I was...and oh by the  way, while I was growing up, she told everyone I was bad....and used to tell me, "Your going to get pregnant...."  I vowed as a child I wouldn't, wouldn't give her that satisfaction to be right about me.  And I didn't until I was married, it was that ingrained in me. 

Here I am 61 years old, and have lived a pretty darn good life considering....consider myself extremely lucky, but have carried the fear all my life of being like her...so, I learned as a child to seclude myself from people....reason being, I was afraid that I'd disappoint them...but while growing up, I remember running around like a chicken without a head, trying so hard to please everyone.  My foster family was very controlling...I suppose out of love and concern for me, and felt like they constantly had to tell me how to live my life....I appreciate that but it smothered me, so when my foster mother died, I cut them off, not completely, but told them they had to assume boundaries. 

So, now I live in solitude and love it more then you could know, and very seldom do I get lonely.  The one regret I do have, is, that b/c of my childhood, I always gravitated towards men that had to be fixed and had very unsuccessful marriages.  Men who were so insecure, and just as mean as my real mother.  Sheesh?  Except my son's father...he was and still is a nice man, however, I was not in love with him, I loved him like a brother, and we were married very young, both very selfish and immature.  We both made huge mistakes. 

I just don't know, what I'm going to do with my real mother....she's getting worse and I could never have her come live with me....she'd go thru everything I have, and it's not the point I have anything to hide, it's the point that she is so untrustworthy....plus she'd yell and scream at me and I couldn't take it, I just couldn't.  My son, has a very difficult time with her....he looses his temper, and he is so easy going and laid back. 

When I ran away from home, she called my foster parents all night and all day long, I'm not exhaugerating....when I was a kid, and she was working at the theator, she'd call them constantly to check up to see if I was there, maybe 3 or 4 times a night.  She'd tear my room apart looking for things, she'd call me when I was babysitting and make me say the most horrible things over the phone to make certain I didn't have a boy there with me.  She is so horrible, yet, I could cry when I think of her....literally, my emotions about her are anger, frustration, embarrassement, and on and on.

So, ladies, all I can say, is God bless you for what you've had to deal with...and I sure hope our husbands are ok...if they are not, please, get them into counseling, b/c there has to be problems. 

My foster mother used to always tell me, "She's still your mother, don't ever abandon her".  Do you know they helped her out 3 times when my real mother was hospitalized.  They paid her rent for 3 months and pre-paid her grocery bill for 3 months so we could eat and never told anyone they did it until later on when I was older, my foster sister told me, yet I suspected.    And when my foster father died, my real mother didn't even as much as send flowers or a card....to my foster mother, and my foster mother took me into her home and raised me as if I were theres...but my real mother is so upset with that, b/c I made something of myself....oh, let me tell you, I'm not successful as a lot of people, but have done well considering....meaning, stability and being able to take care of myself....asking her for nothing. 

She once even accussed me of making love to one of her husbands when I was older....she was filled with so much hate, she used to hit her husbands so much so....pushing they're buttons, so they'd hit her back.  She didn't just yell and scream, but would keep on and on for hours about it, saying the most horrible things...I used to think that Satin was in her....b/c she'd be so cruel and degrading to you or anyone that ever cared about her....my first step father, beat her up terrible, but I witnessed the fights as a little girl...she'd push him, slap him, hit him, knock his glasses off...and there is no excuse to hit a woman....but she actually drove him to it....then she'd walk around, telling everyone he beat her, which he did, and he was wrong, he should have walked out...but from my own personal experience, let me tell you, growing up, there were many times, I almost hit her....she'd actually chase me into my closet and go at me verbally and physically, then throw all my clothes out of my closet adn tear my bed apart....turn over furnture, then come back to me....and I'd thank God when she left....and the people downstairs in the store used to hear it, we lived in a second floor apartment above a grocery store, but no one came to help?????? Or reported her?????  I would have.....

Anyway, girls, you are to be commended for putting up with your MIL's and your husbands should be so greatful to have you and they're families after growig up with a woman like that....I bet a lot of times, deep within they're souls, they are not only embarrassed by they're mothers but fear that b/c they have they're mother's genes are afraid they may be like her. 

It's very difficult to grow up like this....and yet, it does make us stronger....
I once tried to have my mother committed, and b/c I was only 20, I had to have someone an adult who was older testify to her behavior. My aunt, whose's husband was the one who abused us, said, my mother wasn't insane, she was just a child and never grew up...and needed a lot of attention....my 3rd step father, left my mother with just the clothes on his back, got on a plane and came home from Florida....he called me to meet with me and asked me why I never told him these things, and I said, "Would you have believed me".  I wanted to, but I knew she put up such a good front, he wouldn't believe me.
He was so upset cuz he hit her....and told me, there was something very evil in her...she wouldn't stop until he hit her and then he started to cry, and said, he never hit anyone in his life....and literally couldn't take it any longer....I was angry with him for doing so, but understood how he felt....and felt sorry for him....

So, ladies I do understand what your going thru...there are just some people out there who are deeply disturbed....and I understand, why my mother is so dysfuncational, and thank God I had foster parents who cared....b/c I could have turned out just like her.  My mother was beat as a young child, sexually abused and made to quit school and go to work and bring home all her money.  Then bake and clean, and do laundry, cuz she was the oldest, and I think she was very angry about that.  Then got pregnant with me, and was in those days, banned from society....everyone talked about her....she just lost it....

I should do more for her, I should....but it's so hard to be around her...I really loose patience with her....I'm a mature adult....and I should be able to put up with it, but I can't....why?  Is it hate?  I go off on her and get so angry with her, then when I leave, I think, why the heck didn't you just keep your mouth shut and let it roll off your back...you know what she's like?  She brings the very worst out in you????  She is not capable of love....nor does she understand it....and I just don't know what to do. 

Hugs and please forgive me for this rant....reading your stories, really touched my heartstrings and bought it all back....I'm glad your husbands have you....and thank you for contributing to this thread....

Creme





cremebrulee

September 02, 2010, 05:11:18 AM #29 Last Edit: September 02, 2010, 05:19:34 AM by cremebrulee
Quote from: miss_priss on September 01, 2010, 01:34:01 PM
Hi Guest1 - I believe you may have misunderstood me.  I apologize if I wasn't clear.  I did not mean to imply that the women on this forum have psychological issues (although we might, who knows?).  What I did mean was that I think that a lot (not all) of the people we have problems with could have psychological issues. Some of the cases we discuss on this forum go far beyond normal communication issues into obvious personality and other psychological disorders.  We are all here to try to cope and understand those issues, and encourage one another through it.  I'm sorry I wasn't clear.   

As far as I'm concerned, I didn't think you were suggesting us here...and knew what you meant....and yes, they do most certainly have psychological issues.  After reading some of these stories, it just really breaks your heart, that these woman, have effected so many other lives so negatively....makes me want to look further into they're past...you wonder how they were bought up...and it also makes me so thankful to know, that I'm not like that....and yes, there are probably still, in my life, some baggage, however, I'm confident to know, that I'm not a bad person....just very cautious now....

Thank you Miss Priss for all your contributions and for reassuring the content of your post....I find you to be a very strong lady, not to mention, very honest...and that's ok....there will be some, that occassionally misunderstand you, and others here, because it's very hard to sometimes read the words of others without seeing facial expressions and such....and sometimes we interruit words that are written wrong....so, rest assure, we all need to explain what we mean, because we're all very sensitive about these issues.  I'm greatful for you and all the others here....but most of all for this forum...
there are things which I've been able to vent here, which I wouldn't ordinarily consider talking about....this forum is a God sent....and I can't thank all of you enough.