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Engagement party question

Started by higgins, April 03, 2011, 10:31:15 AM

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cd1029

It is customary for the groom's parents to host the bride's parents at dinner.  That is it.

Once a bully, always a bully.  Stand up now, or you will be fighting her forever.  You don't want a party.  No is a complete sentence.  And your FDH can deliver it.

holliberri

CD,

"No is a complete sentence."

If I ever would get a tattoo...it would be that. On my forehead.

luise.volta

This is a test...you are a couple if you agree and he speaks the truth to her. If not, you aren't a couple and never will be...even if you spend the rest of your lives pretending you are...wishing you were and suffering because you aren't.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

tigerlily

She sounds excited that you're engaged.  She wants the party for you, and her friends, and the chance to play host.  I would have your fiancee tell her, with you there, that you and he are so happy she's excited, but a nice dinner out, just the four of you, would be a wonderful idea.  So you're not shutting her down completly, but keeping it private.  Good luck!

luise.volta

Be interesting to try that. If she agreed, Tigerlilly might have a point. If not, the power struggle and how you deal with it will be out in the open. Clarification is always good and you might be pleasantly surprised. Sending love...

Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Pooh

I'm with the others on all their great advice.  I will say calling your Mom and venting was a huge no-no.  That is like calling and tattling on you.  That definately needs to be addressed and handled or she will be doing this to anyone that will listen in the future. 

Did your Mom try to shut her down?  I'm asking because my Mother would have politely but firmly told her that what was going on was between me and MIL, and that she was not getting in the middle. 
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

AnonymousDIL

Quote from: Pooh on April 04, 2011, 12:02:00 PM
I'm with the others on all their great advice.  I will say calling your Mom and venting was a huge no-no.  That is like calling and tattling on you.  That definately needs to be addressed and handled or she will be doing this to anyone that will listen in the future. 

Did your Mom try to shut her down?  I'm asking because my Mother would have politely but firmly told her that what was going on was between me and MIL, and that she was not getting in the middle.

You're absolutely right, Pooh! She was totally tattling. One of those "I'm the parent. I'm going to call her mom and show what a little brat she is being and then her mommy will punish her just like I would punish DS because it isn't like they are adults who are capable of having their own opinions and making their own decisions."

I'd like to think my mom would stand up for me (or at the very least hang up! lol), but she is kinda a wimp. lol MIL does not have my mother's number and doesn't need it.

Anywho, my advice, which I highly advise you NOT to take would be "roll over andtake it." That's what I did for everything with my wedding. I wish I had found this site sooner so these Ladies could have to me to stick to my gnus. Definitely don't give in to her on this.

higgins


  Believe me, if I could elope and avoid all the fuss, mess, politics, and expense, I would do it in a hot second (DH would like a party).

  I hear you ladies with regards to "standing up to the bully" - I honestly don't think she means to be a bully  *most of the time*, she just has her own expectations of what she thinks should happen and gets very disappointed by anyone standing in her way.  I loved before when someone else said "We can drown in our own expectations", because that really strikes a chord for me when it comes to her.

  I (as I'm sure many of you are with DILs and MILs) am currently trying to find the balance between compromise and inflexibility (e.g., when to say yes and when to say no).  My DH has been a great help, and I have now determined that any and all communication I have with her is forwarded to him, through him, or with him so that he knows what's going on, and we can present a united front.
  She can sometimes act like a spoiled child, and that is where things get tricky, especially with the wedding.  I have developed a fairly decent spine, and am able to say no to her without a problem (especially with hubby's support), but I'm unfamiliar and uncomfortable with most of this wedding stuff, and the last thing I want to do is make her feel like she's not being included and create lots of bad feelings for years to come.  Not that I would let that dictate how I do anything and everything, but at the same time she is my husband's mother, and I'm trying to find a relatively happy medium for all concerned...

  My Mom was quite unimpressed with her conversations with MIL...  She is not someone who is blunt, but did say to MIL that maybe she should leave us alone and quit trying to push things on us.  Fat chance of that advice ever being taken...

  Anyway ladies, like I said before, if I can't have the elopement, then LOTS of booze (and possibly a lampshade on my head)...   :)


Pooh

I think you have a great attitude higgins.  One of things I had to learn with my Ex-MIL (and it took me a few years) was when to kind of just let her have her way...Lol.  It really helped for me to understand that I wasn't going to change her, and just to let her do her thing sometimes.

I give you big kudos for trying to compromise with her, and trying to keep the relationship going.  It's terribly hard with an MIL like that.  I think you offered some wonderful alternatives to her, and she's just not getting it.  My Ex-MIL wanted to do my rehearsal dinner (which I think is somewhat normal) but didn't want to know what we wanted.  So since I had turned down her demands on a number of things, I just said ok and let her do what she wanted.  Would I have chosen what she did?  Nope.  But did everyone get fed?  Yep....Lol.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell