July 07, 2020, 06:12:42 pm


"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."

An Expert Speaks

Started by kathleen, August 08, 2010, 02:22:15 pm

Previous topic - Next topic

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.


Well, I've debated a week about posting this, but this is what an AARP "expert" had to say last week about
our relationships with our DIL's and sons and grandchildren.  She was on one of those morning shows and I took notes.  This was her advice, and it skips back and forth from in-laws and grandparents to sons/daughters:

1.  DILS/Sons: Think about how you want your kids to treat you when you get older.

2.  Talk TO grandparents, not about them.

3.  Grandparents keep in mind:  you are there to support your grandkids and love them; don't create or have conflict around them.

4.  Don't disagree with children on how to raise grandchildren.

5.  Don't stereotype grandparents.

6.  Both sides, agree to disagree: 

7.  Different religions, political opinions, must be respected on both sides. 

8.  Approach problems and issues in a matter-of-fact way, but do get together and talk the issues through.

9.  Don't try to change each other.

10. Don't speak unkindly about any other member of the family; kids pick up on it immediately.

11.  Remember that kids will model you; how you treat your in-laws will come back to you.

What do you all think?  Many of us have tried all this to perfection and still had serious problems.  It sounds like
an ideal world, but rarely is that realistic----????  How many of you have done all these things as grandparents and
still found yourself an outsider?

I do think the "do unto others as you would have them do unto you" is so excellent.  It is the basis for all good human relationships, and so
simple.  Yet, it seems to be so difficult to put into practice.



Kathleen, this is a great little road map. Now, how do we gracefully let our children see it??

And yes, in the real world, one can do all that's suggested and still end up cut off. That's the pickle many of us find ourselves in. I'm not a GM yet, but anticipate issues to arise when the time comes since DIL has hinted about our low status already. Reasonable people will respond reasonably; it's the unreasonable ones that cause separation and heartache, and they probably aren't interested in taking advice anyway.

Thanks for sharing this; it sounds perfectly reasonable to me  :)
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb


Great post kathleen!  I think these are values that should be the "default" for all people...but we all know that's not always the case.  I think ANY of us on here, MILs and DILs alike can pinpoint our "issue" with (whomever) to the violation of one of these simple rules of normal social behavior.

But it's not just the children who need to read and abide by it!   ;)