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Trying to understand my FMIL

Started by makingsenseofit, September 03, 2009, 09:01:46 PM

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lookingforanswers

Luise.volta... you hit the nail on the head when you said 'replaying incident after incident and second-guessing myself.' I do this daily, after every and any form on contact I am continually replaying things in my head, did I say this wrong, Will she use this against me in the future... My husband and I never communicate with MIL without saying things to each other first, we will often rewrite a text message several times just to make sure she can't read into anything or use it against us in the future....
We have tried to suggest counselling but she thinks that my husband and I are the ones who need it and won't come along with us.

Prissy

I'm addressing this to all of you....what is wrong with all these people?  Don't they realize they are running off their family?  I don't understand....when someone said the MIL responded to an upcoming test for an illness and she said, "oh, I've had that..I've been tested for that"  I have a relative like that and it drives you nuts!!

The other thing is that maybe they all have some kind of personality disorder, I don't know but most of them sound just plain mean to me.  Just no regard for others at all.

I don't think any of us grew up knowing that there might be something wrong with us.  I'm sure a lot of us have something that isn't right but when something wrong is happening over and over again, somehow you need to look yourself. Like your MILs need to look at themselves. 

I sure have tried to do that and what I've found is that my DIL was just like your MIL, so nice at first.  She turned on me overnight, just like they did you. It makes no sense at all to me. 

Now, the holidays are coming and I hope I don't just decide to run off because honestly, I'd rather be with some people off the street than with these people! 

She's decided that they will be here for Thanksgiving...my other DIL, who doesn't like her at all is trying every way possible to be gone the weekend after they are here so not to spend time with her.

I know the distant DIL would love to be friends with her but she tried to turn her against me early on in their relationship and it's just gone downhill from there.  She is polite to her but what fun is that?

Oh boy, I'm writing a book here.  If we laugh, she doesn't like that, maybe she doesn't get it.  Maybe that's it? 


makingsenseofit

Thankyou to everyone here.
Your posts have been really helpful. No matter what title we are we are all just looking for the same thing and thats just to be accepted and cared for and to give it in return. But  it seems there are some people who become apart of our lives who cant do this. Yet we try our hardest to help them open up to us and do everything we can to get a positive relationship happening. No one here has given up and I think you are all terrific. You have given me a push to be stronger  :)

luise.volta

Prissy - That is so clear and they sound so nuts.

What are we left with if we can't change them? Most of us have tried to change and adapt and placate and adjust and endure. There's a lot of evidence of that in our posts.

There seems to be a place where some of draw a line and say "no more." I wonder if we are all traveling in that direction? If so, it is probably highly individualized as to when each of us gets there.

My take is that some never will arrive at that place. I didn't...I kept trying and hoping and then my son died and I was left with his insane widow. Now, nine years later, I keep wondering what more I could have done and what I did that I shouldn't have done...or even if none of it had anything to do with me.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Prissy

Luise,
I have seen horrible things happen at funerals between family members.  I guess everyone has.  I'm not giving her a pass but maybe this was all about her.

When you're the one who gave birth and raised your son, it hurts the worst, though when you're grieving and this gets handed to you.   

Prissy

That's what I'm noticing, Makingsense....all of us, in our own way is trying to figure this all out. 

If we didn't care, we wouldn't do it. I keep saying that hate is not the opposite of love, apathy is.  So, if we didn't want something to change, we would not keep trying and just be apathetic.   

luise.volta

Prissy - You know after my son died...and before my DIL sent me her hate mail, I was very sympathetic toward her. I let her know that I felt that the person who was left with the empty bed and the closets full of clothes and no one at the dinner table was the one who got hit the hardest and I was there for her.

I just don't know.

I think I could have taken it if my DIL had said she couldn't stand to see my face and wanted to be alone...that would have been about her and how totally devastated she was. But those letters were about my being the worst mother in the world to him and evil to the core.

I know my son and I had a tenuous, relationship. After age 13 he thought I never measured up but I have never known why. Up until then, we were great pals. And I'm sure he passed his complaints about me on to her the same way she complained about her mother to him, still...to attack a mother nine days after he son's death seemed inhuman then and it still does now.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Prissy

...not a cross word ever happened between me/us and our son until he married.  Not one.

He was a model son, loving, kind, strong, accomplished, handsome,  everything you'd ever want.

I can't take this....I can't.   

luise.volta

Prissy - What choice do we have? Life demands that we take it, don't you think?

Cross words have come and gone between me and my younger son. I can't say when but I know both of us have been impatient or disappointed at times over the last 54 years. However, the focus has always been on love; the undercurrent has been mutual respect and peace.

Those things evaded my elder son at times...not always.

I can see that the contrast you are describing between the then and now is untenable. Yet I think you have said that your DIL is what your son needs (or did I misunderstand that?) It must be really confusing because I think you have also said that his joy and spontaneity are gone. How devastating. In a way, it seems to me that we have both lost sons.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Prissy

yes, we both have lost sons. No choice.

Sassy

QuoteMy fiance does alot of long hours. Even though they see each other everyday she has started ringing at least 5 times a day when he gets home. She would like to know everything he is doing at that very moment if we are out shopping she would like to know what was bought were he is and with who.  When we go visit my parents once a month my fiance cant tell his mother or she gets upset.

Making Sense Of It:  I have a future MIL who acts that way as well. 

The next question would be, how does your Fiance seem to feel about how his mother is treating him? Relationships do take two.  If he answers all 5 of her calls each day, and answers all of her questions, then I would think he wants this level of close contact with his Mother. 

I know my Fiance did not answer his Mother's multiple daily calls, texts, and he did not give her a lot of answers. He did stay close to her, but not as close as she would like to be.  When he introduced me to her, she then had my cell phone and my home and plans with me, as another way to be closer to him.  He suggested that I handle her the way he did.  Answer some calls, make some plans, and limit detailed information that could come back later in the form of a complaint.  (I didn't listen to him for a long time, though I do now).

I am not sure if you want your Fiance to behave differently towards his mother?

just2baccepted

...not a cross word ever happened between me/us and our son until he married.  Not one.

He was a model son, loving, kind, strong, accomplished, handsome,  everything you'd ever want.


Since your son seems like a good guy and you always had a good relationship then I would think that you have something to build on.  I hope you're not giving up too easily because that's what the DIL demands.  I just keep thinking that if I was in this position then I would talk to my son and tell him the pain I'm in over this and ask if there was a way we could have a relationship w/o the DIL, that is if she doesn't want to be apart of his family.  I just think that's crazy that someone would really demand that their spouse can't have a relationship with his parents.  Unbelievable if this is the case.  Just curious, how often do you see them/him and when he does come to see you does she come everytime? Do they just show for holidays or do you guys meet for dinner, come to each others house for dinner, shopping etc...?  Could you try to meet your son for lunch during a workday?  Say meeting him at his office or something.  I forgot if you mentioned if he lives far away.  Sometimes these situations are just shocking to me!

luise.volta

Bless your heart, Anna. Bless your loving, forgiving, understanding, contributing and totally misunderstood and unappreciated heart.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Pen

After reading all these heartbreaking posts, and living my own sad DIL story, I'm so thankful that I loved my MIL and that we had a very good relationship. Those of us who have been good DILs and good MILs must take comfort in that, even if our efforts aren't appreciated. It doesn't take away the gut-wrenching pain of estrangement from a son or grandkids, but at least we know we did our best. I really am trying to deal with all this in a graceful, loving, self-affirming way, and to allow myself the occasional wallow when dealing is too much...thanks for this site, it does help.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

2chickiebaby

Dear Penstamen,
I'm glad too that I was a good DIL, even more glad today....I have no regrets about that.