My husband died & my daughter is mad at me

[arlened]

My husband passed away in June suddenly from a cerebral hemorrage.
Now my daughter is mad at me because I had him taken off life support
when I was alone with him at the hospital in the middle of the night.
I was told he could hang on even 1 1/2 days, but he didnt even last 30 minutes !
Now she is mad at me, has marital problems & is mad because I didnt ask her
to come stay with me along with her 3 kids.....(this was 3 weeks after my husands
death--I just couldnt deal with that along with his sudden passing)
I am so distraught I dont know what to do.   I love my grandchildren and miss them...

[Orly]

I am so sorry for you loss.

Dealing with the passing of a love one when you are expecting it is hard enough, when it is unexpected and sudden it is doubly hard.  Your daughter may not really be angry at you (though she is blaming you), it may be her grief speaking.  She may be experiencing feelings of anger at her dad for dying and taking them out on you.  She may have wanted to be there to say good-bye to her dad in person.  Facts are she wasn't there and she needs to handle her feelings about it....her feelings, her's to cope with.  Not letting her run home to you when she has marital problems on top of this could be a blessing in disguise for her....suggest she gets grief and marital counseling before she jumps into making drastic changes in her life.

Please, go talk to the hospital's social services and ask them for a name of a grief counselor.  Get some one-on-one advice on how to deal with this for yourself too.

[DDM]

Dear Arlened,
I am so sorry for your loss. Give your daughter some time. Anger is part of the grieving process.

Sending love to you and your family.

[juju68]

My thoughts an prayers go out to you. I am so sorry for your loss, I can understand why your daughter would be upset,but in no way should she be upset with you. I am sure she is just angry and in shock about the passing of her father. I hope you know this is not your fault and please don't take on guilt that does not belong to you.
I will continue tp keep you an your family in my prayers:) God bless you an please know you will make it through this

[luise.volta]

I am sending you love and caring. Such a loss is beyond what anyone can imagine until it happens. Your daughter may have wanted it to be handled differently but it wasn't and there's no going back. No one is probably right or wrong...there are just two different points of view...after the fact.

I hope she will cool down and realize that you need her love now, not her criticism and she needs yours. 

When my 52 year-old son died, my DIL wrote me a scathing, hate letter nine days later telling me that I was evil incarnate and every difficulty he had ever had in his entire life was my fault. People go nuts sometimes after a loss.

[BellaTerra66]

Oh Arlened, I am so sorry for your loss.  I don't know what to say.  I don't know what's worse (for those who remain behind):  having some years or months with our loved ones before they die or having them go quickly and unexpectedly.  My heart goes out to you.  Sending love and prayers,

Bella

[cadagi101]

Your post is very very sad and distressing and everyone who reads your post will be touched and feel for you at this time and are beside you with your grief.    A grief counsellor will help you both.  Whatever you do don't  feel guilty about not having your daughter and her children stay.  You have to think of yourself first.  How can you possibly cope with your daughter and her 3 kids staying with you.  It might be weeks or months until you can offer advice and solace for your daughter's problems.   And when you feel ready your grandchildren will undoubtably give you a lot of joy.    I strongly believe your daugher will work through this and you will be there for each other.
My thoughts are with you, please stay strong