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24 Y/O Son is dating a 34 y/o woman who has 3 teenagers

Started by Ree, August 01, 2010, 10:17:26 pm

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Ree

Ladies, Thank you for your posts.  I am compelled to share more.  I don't know anything about this woman except what my son has told me.  I see how his whole attitude has changed about his future. College or no college he still needs to be around progressive people. My son is always the one who initiates conversation about the woman and I've managed to to offer my opinion only after he asks me  to "say something mom, what do you think about this or that mom?" I see how weary he looks and sounds and it makes me dislike her even more.  The issues with her daughters scares me the most as a mother and as a woman even though I don't have daughters.  I do have sisters and one of them was molested by one our mother's "boyfriends"  who she later married.   Our mother and the man blamed my sister and stayed together for 40 years until he died.  My sister is in her late 50s now but the relationship between her and my mother stinks.  I share this because I know my son is not a sexual deviant but I believe a mother should ALWAYS protect their daughters (and sons now a days) from anyone she's involved with.  Since the MAN in this case is my son around unrelated young girls competing for his attention I am concerned about HIS SAFETY from being false accused.   I don't want to meet this woman because I will speak to her without diplomacy.   I am not trying to sway my son one way or another.  I want the best for him, so I listen to him and tell him what I think when he asks me.  I put a lot of my thoughts in my posts because doing so allows me to share them with third parties without harming our mother/son relationship.  I've done enough reading and talked to enough "seasoned" parents to know that interfering with an adult son and his woman (wife, girlfriend) is a sure way to end a relationship with your child. This is as "neutral" as I can get. I did ask my son what he liked the most about her.  He said he liked the fact that she "talks his ear off and he likes the way she looks." His dislikes were he hated how she doesn't seem to want to do anything with her life and has no goals. She constantly talks about the age difference, her past relationships and how she was treated by the men she was involved with.  He said she has broken up with him 3 times so far only to call him 2 or 3 weeks later asking him to come over to watch the girls for her or just to "talk."  Whoever posted that this is none of my business is probably right. But I want my son to reach his full potential and know that whenever he wants to talk I am available to listen and give feedback when asked.  Time to talk things out wasn't possible very often when I was raising him because I worked 3 jobs (often taking him to work with me), went to college and by the time I/we got home it was bedtime for both of us.  I worked as a Librarian.  So the conversation he is seeking now that I am retired is important.  I just want him to be happy.  I don't see that happening with this relationship.  (Again, I base this opinion on what he's told me.)

cadagi101

only you know in your heart what is right.    You are so very fortunate to have a relationship with your son where he comes to you and asks your opinion.  Many of us would only dream of such a son.  Yes, you have to hang onto that relationship no matter what.

Sunny1

Ree, I'm truly going back and forth on this one too. You are definitely in a very tough situation with him because you genuinely jeopardize losing  him/ pushing him away if you interfere too much.

Again, I somewhat sympathize and understand both sides of this. As a woman that is the same age as your son's girlfriend, asd I can understand her issues of not leaving an abusive man.  My first husband was abusive, it's not as a easy as everyone thinks to get up and just leave them. I was married very young, and considering the ages of your son's girlfriend's children, it appears she was very young too when she began having children with her abuser. Being that young, and still naive without a career, where would a single mom with several kids go? Abusers manipulate too...if this woman has never sought counseling for herself, then she is probably carrying a lot more baggage than you could ever imagine.

I for one had picked myself up, dusted myself off and went to school. I've never recieved child support from my ex for my son, and I don't want it either. By the the time I began dating my current husband, I owned my own home, and I make more money than he does.

Her lack of initiative to provide for her children would concern me as well, she's not really setting a good example for her kids on how to deal with adversity. She seems to be looking for the next free ride, which makes the fact that teen girls are learning this from their mother stand out even more. Red flags are flying.

You said her lack of initiative already concerns your son, and that his temp job will be ending soon. The possible reality of caring for four others financially without a job should be weighing on his shoulders soon. Make sure you are in contact with him and do just as you were doing, lovingly identifying the positives and negatives.

Good luck...my prayers are with you.



juju68

It is so hard dealing with adult children... for so long we were able to protect them and now we can offer our opinion and move on...I am learning to let go and hope that my daughter does not get hurt,but if she does then she will have to learn from it. It seems the more I interfere the more she pulls away. My heart an prayers go out to you. I know you feel Hurt an sad,but it will all work out..We have to learn to take care of us an let our kids take care of them. I will pray an send positive thoughts your way...