daughter who blames us

[Faith21]

When my daughter was 13 years old my husband and I decided to adopt two children, who were 9 and 11. We did this after much discussion with counselors, family members and with her. It was a pretty rocky road but I thought we had done OK. Now that she is 20 she suffers from depression and anxiety  and says it is all our fault because she feels that we adopted our other children because she was not good enough. I cant tell you how shocked I was because she never even hinted that she was upset about the adoption.  Throughout the years we did a lot of family counseling to make sure everyone was adjusting and she never said a word.  How do I get over feeling that this is all our fault. She is seeing a therapist and we are going to meet next week to discuss this but I love her so much, I can't believe that she has felt this way all these years

[barelythere]

When my daughter was 13 years old my husband and I decided to adopt two children, who were 9 and 11. We did this after much discussion with counselors, family members and with her. It was a pretty rocky road but I thought we had done OK. Now that she is 20 she suffers from depression and anxiety  and says it is all our fault because she feels that we adopted our other children because she was not good enough. I cant tell you how shocked I was because she never even hinted that she was upset about the adoption.  Throughout the years we did a lot of family counseling to make sure everyone was adjusting and she never said a word.  How do I get over feeling that this is all our fault. She is seeing a therapist and we are going to meet next week to discuss this but I love her so much, I can't believe that she has felt this way all these years

Faith21, I'm no expert but I think maybe that isn't the reason she is suffering.  Who knows what it is, could be something she's not able to speak about but somehow, it just doesn't ring true to me that just now she would start feeling this way.  Maybe through the counciling she'll give some hints of what it really is.   Just my thoughts

[Faith21]

thank you, I think you are probably  right, I just find it hard not to blame myself esp that she was not able to talk to me about this before now. I guess I thought we had a good mother daughter relationship.  My husband keeps telling me that this is not about me but I cant help feeling I must have failed her

[barelythere]

thank you, I think you are probably  right, I just find it hard not to blame myself esp that she was not able to talk to me about this before now. I guess I thought we had a good mother daughter relationship.  My husband keeps telling me that this is not about me but I cant help feeling I must have failed her

I am certain your husband is right. I feel badly for your daughter because whatever is bothering her is so deep that she can't bring it to the surface.  This is only a guess, I am not a therapist. (but I think I am) 

[luise.volta]

Yes, it sounds too "neat and tidy' to me, too. She could have made that up and sat on it for 7 years but I think it's just too easy to blame others, especially parents, instead of taking responsibility.

[cremebrulee]

When my daughter was 13 years old my husband and I decided to adopt two children, who were 9 and 11. We did this after much discussion with counselors, family members and with her. It was a pretty rocky road but I thought we had done OK. Now that she is 20 she suffers from depression and anxiety  and says it is all our fault because she feels that we adopted our other children because she was not good enough. I cant tell you how shocked I was because she never even hinted that she was upset about the adoption.  Throughout the years we did a lot of family counseling to make sure everyone was adjusting and she never said a word.  How do I get over feeling that this is all our fault. She is seeing a therapist and we are going to meet next week to discuss this but I love her so much, I can't believe that she has felt this way all these years

During the time, you adopted those kids, you were excited and so wrapped up in the whole emotional end of it, you failed to see what your daughter was feeling...and she probably tried very hard to hide it....what your daughter has to understand is, that kids don't and can't rationalize at that age....and yes, you were shocked, however, it was her feelings and they were never resolved...so she grew up feeling that way...sorry, but in order to settle this, your going to have to come to terms with it and resolve it...it is not anyone's fault...it was her perception as a child....and what I would strong and firmly suggest is counseling and communication....with all your kids....and yes, it is amazing how kids interrupt situations...a lot of times when couples break up, the kids blame themselves...and the parents don't realize it...Sad but true...so, this needs to be resolved...it will take time, however, it's worth it...eventually, when she understands, that she did misunderstand, she will realize, she was only a child at the time, and did the best that she could do with the little information she had...

I'm assuming when you adopted those kids, you tried to make up for what they didn't have...subconsciously you probably felt confident your daughter understood, but she didn't...and she was probably jealous...she knew she was yours, why would you want other kids?  And now she would have to take a back step to not one, but two other children in the family...

My mother treated me so badly, I actually believed I was adopted, so she could have me cook, clean, iron, do the grocery shopping, etc....but I actually believed that my real mother wouldn't have treated me like that.

You say, YOU THOUGHT, you had a great relationship with her...you were doing the best you could at the time, and (maybe) you neglected to be totally aware of all the kids...3 kids is a lot of work, a busy schedule, and someone misses out...even though you love your daughter dearly...she didn't see it that way...she was a small child....and as I said, it probably seemed to her that you were favoring the other kids over her, b/c you were trying to make them feel comfortable and secure... but we get caught up in routine....schedules and needs, and perhaps your daughter took a back step to this on her own...was one of the children, in more of a need then the other?  Did they have any special needs?  You didn't do anything wrong, your human....and I commend you for adopting two kids...however, your daughter didn't see it that way...she saw things going on thru the eyes of a child, who has very little information....

I think counseling would be your best bet right now....I know you feel guilty...but please believe, it's not your fault....you got caught up in the whole process of emotions and when we do that, we expect our kids to be happy to.....yanno?

My thoughts and prayers are with you...

Love
Creme

[Pooh]

Ok Creme, you totally lost me with this one.  I don't see where she said she said anything about neglecting awareness of all 3 kids or anything about treating the adopted kids better than her own daughter?

I only saw from her post that she had continued family counseling during and long conversations with everyone prior to doing the adoption.  To me, it sounded like she did everything to make sure everyone had a say. 

I agree with everyone else on this one.  If she had issues with the adoption, she was given ample opportunity to voice her opinions.  If she didn't take them, then that is her fault, not her parents. There is something else going on with the daughter and hopefully the counselor will find out what it is and help her.

[cremebrulee]

Ok Creme, you totally lost me with this one.  I don't see where she said she said anything about neglecting awareness of all 3 kids or anything about treating the adopted kids better than her own daughter?

I only saw from her post that she had continued family counseling during and long conversations with everyone prior to doing the adoption.  To me, it sounded like she did everything to make sure everyone had a say. 

What I was stating is possibly what happened was human nature, not that she was aware of it, and not that she was neglecting her daughter, however, her daughter may have viewed it that way.

For instance...we had a kinda foster son, my son's best friend whose mother cared nothing about him...nothing...so, at Christmas time, we'd buy him so much in the way of clothing he needed, and my son once said to me, you buy for friend more then me, cause he needs it...we in  our haste to help this child, forgot we were unintentionally slighting our son....and I'm thinking maybe that is what happened?  I don't know? 

so I was relating to that....and the possiblity that by trying to make up to these two kids, she adopted for whatever it was they were through, may have unintentionally made the daughter think they were slighting her?  I dunno?  Thinking out loud...not at all suggesting this is the problem

For the original poster, Faith, you were a good mother, if you weren't you wouldn't have even considered adopting children, let alone do it...what I'm trying to say is, children do not view situations the same way we adults do...., their little minds process things so differently, and unfortunately your daughter saw herself as being neglected....it's difficult to equally spread ourselves to our family members...and we do make mistakes....it can't be helped not to make mistakes...heaven knows, I've made mine...

I also think counseling would help, b/c there must be other things there in your daughters mind that she questions, and will need your reassurance on....so, right now, she needs you, and maybe there are things going on, and she's trying to tell you she needs you to listen to her....and she really didn't feel that way, at all, but she's trying to get your attention...

There could be a lot going on here?  but, most of all, don't please don't fall apart, and blame yourself....blame doesn't get us anywhere....

Love and hugs
Creme

[Pooh]

Ok gotcha now.

And Faith, I forgot to say welcome.  I think it takes a special person to be a parent, and an angel to be a parent to children that are not even yours by birth.  Go do something for yourself.  A manicure, pedicure, a new book?  You so deserve it!

[cremebrulee]

Pooh, thanks so much for pointing that out to me, I saw a typo and tried to word it differently...
I pounded my reply out way to fast without realizing that it might be taken the wrong way...

[Faith21]

thanks so very much for being so welcoming..  Its great to get some different perspectives. Whatever the reason i need to get over feeling guilty and figure out the best way to help her. Hopefully counseling will help. thanks again for listening and your support. i'm glad I found this site

[cremebrulee]

Hello Faith

I hope you understood my post, and hope you feel secure in returning again and again if you must, to vent or simply update us on how things are going....and most of all, I hope it all works out...

for some reason, I believe it will...stay strong and have faith in you....

hugs and love
creme

[Faith21]

Thank you, I will definitely keep in touch with this site.  I found   it very helpful and comforting. its great to know that there are people who have know idea who I am, yet  are willing to listen and help. thank you