Interfering Grandfather

[cadagi101]

cont....2hrs later.     My above posts explain thing.s   I won't have to fill you in on details.   

My ds just phoned, dh and I had hardly seen him for 12 months, only a couple of family functions here he didn't apologise for his past behaviour and wasn't pleasant to me at all.   And there was only a few words exchanged. 

Now ds wants to come to our place to work for 3 weeks at the busiest time of the year (harvest).    Last year he wouldn't help us, embarrassed my husband in front of our workmen, caused awful problems and I would want ds to feel like "one of the men' so I would pack his lunch and take it to him in the paddock.  My df was also here and as he is 78 he would eat at the homestead.    ds went of his head at me, wasn'dt going to eat with the men and drove of in bad temper  I nearly died from the dust.    ds came back furious, i said to ds how dare you leave me in your chocking dust and take of like that.  He was rude to me and df came to ds rescue and told me of in no uncertain terms.  Said he and ds were leaving, and to leave ds alone etc. etc.    These are the sort of things that I find interfering. 

For the first time ever I had a huge argument with df.    I swore I would never have the two of them in the same place as me ever again. 

ds son lives with my parents so it is going to be hard to tell ds he isn't coming here to work..work is a joke but anyway that is what he said.   

I need some encouragement to be strong about this from you WW I feel anxiety rising up in me everytime i think of the verbal abuse.  He did leave here on his own free will screaming at his ds I hate her #######guts and i am never coming back.   

I was relieved he was gone he had terrible anger and i am surprised he didn't hit me in one of his rages which he said he would.

dh doesn't want to have a falling out with my dd, as I wrote previously dd has helped us financially, do you know I am realising for the first time since I have been on WWU that dh and I are not only financially tied DOT my df.  And that df knows it so that might be why he overrides our authority all the time. 

I have a very sick feeling in my stomach how should I go about this?

[cadagi101]

   I am realising for the first time since I have been on WWU that dh and I are not only financially tied DOT my df.  And that df knows it so that might be why he overrides our authority all the time. 

I have a very sick feeling in my stomach how should I go about this?

I meanat to say here financially and emotionally tied.

[cadagi101]

also my ds lives with my dd and dm so when we say to ds son he can't come ds will get df sypmathy and ds knows it!!   I don't know what to explect from df.  strange how df isn't a violent person at all in a lot of ways i would say to weak to stand up to ds and is always trying to smooth things over and I know dd would say or think we should give him another go, he!! dd would say ds wants to make the effort, come on now all be nice to each other get along it'll be alright.  arrggg    I'm stressing

[cremebrulee]

Julia, my son did end up going to jail for his stealing problem.  I had  trouble getting support for it as well because people said, "oh, he's young, he's confused, have some compassion."     It was a very strange feeling as his mother to stand up in front of a judge and say "you keep threatening jail to him if he doesn't straighten up, and then not following through - I think he needs to go to jail for a few days, otherwise he won't understand that this is serious."  Of course this was just before Thanksgiving two years ago, and I was the bad guy for insisting my kid spend Thanksgiving in jail.  Ditto for Christmas.  It took him four months in juvenile jail, plus a year in a group home afterwards, but he has gotten himself in hand.  At some point, your son may screw up and create a situation for himself that has legal consequences.  The best thing for him at that point may be to simply let him have those consequences and not bail him out in any way.  Some people only learn by experiencing negative outcomes.

You did good....I always told my son, if he gets arrested, he gets to make one phone call....don't call me, call your father....tough love is exactly that, very tough, and I commend you for your parenting....

[cremebrulee]

unfortuately Julia, sad to say....I don't see your son changing...b/c I'm thinking, your parents were just to old to care anymore about discipline and left your son have his way....very wrong thing to do...but, that is what it sounds like to me....and yes, of course your father would feel as if he is in control, b/c he raised your son, and he loaned you money...the worst thing to do is to borrow money from a parent....or allow them to give it to you...I understand, there are times when everyone needs help....however, it is just human nature to feel entitlement, when money is given, especially big sums of money...

it also sounds as if you son learned to act out in a very inappropriate way, if he didn't get his way....he learned from your parents, that not only is it ok to do that, but to manipulate them into allowing him to do what he wants...they gave him his way to shut him up....however, regardless, he is old enough to know right and wrong, but apparently doesn't know, every household has different rules and it's important for a child to socialize for this reason...so they learn rules, respect and how things are done in other homes, otherwise they won't know and either your son doesn't know that or he does and is just being contrary.

If it were me, I'd tell him just that...father or no father, in my home, no one would get away with that behavior....and you cannot come back until you seek out counseling...#1. you said you feared he was going to hit you...that is unacceptable....Apparently this person does not have any idea how to conduct himself and you have every right to keep him away...

Julia...I wonder if it's pent up anger b/c he never understood as a kid while growing up, why his mother didn't want him....I'm saying that b/c that's how kids think....not to hurt you or say you were wrong...however, maybe that's how he feels...it doesn't excuse his actions, by any means....however, maybe it will help you understand him and be able to help him better emotionally...but there is something going on here and it is very serious.

I know you love your parents, however, if your father is doing this, perhaps your son inherited the worst part of your father....(we all have good and bad sides)

I'm just so sorry your dealing with this...it's so difficult when it involves people we love....

You, in my opinion, are going to have to get tough...this is your home, not your fathers...or your son's and you must remind them of that, and that regardless of how your father feels, when he is in your home, yand your husband's home....he must follow your rules...

could you do that Julia?

Hugs
Creme

[Pen]

Julia, my son did end up going to jail for his stealing problem.  I had  trouble getting support for it as well because people said, "oh, he's young, he's confused, have some compassion."     It was a very strange feeling as his mother to stand up in front of a judge and say "you keep threatening jail to him if he doesn't straighten up, and then not following through - I think he needs to go to jail for a few days, otherwise he won't understand that this is serious."  Of course this was just before Thanksgiving two years ago, and I was the bad guy for insisting my kid spend Thanksgiving in jail.  Ditto for Christmas.  It took him four months in juvenile jail, plus a year in a group home afterwards, but he has gotten himself in hand.  At some point, your son may screw up and create a situation for himself that has legal consequences.  The best thing for him at that point may be to simply let him have those consequences and not bail him out in any way.  Some people only learn by experiencing negative outcomes.

You did good....I always told my son, if he gets arrested, he gets to make one phone call....don't call me, call your father....tough love is exactly that, very tough, and I commend you for your parenting....

I'm with you on this. No one wants to see their precious child suffering, but we must follow through. DS learned early on that we were not going to smooth his path after he messed up. We supported and loved him, but that was it. He had to man up and deal with his actions, not that he was a troublemaker - minor kid stuff, but important lessons to learn all the same. It was a bit shocking to the people involved; they were used to parents trying to make it all go away and often resisted our efforts to teach DS about consequences. We could have pulled strings or called in favors but chose not to. In his case it seems to have worked, lucky for him (and us.)

[cdb]

One of the hardest things I had to do in my entire life was call 911 and have them take my daughter to jail    I was crying so hard on the phone, I could hardly talk. She is now 5 years clean and sober at age 26. Those 6 to 7 years were Hell for me. If I had to do it over again, I would have followed through immediately while she was younger. We did go to all her treatment centers ( 4 ) family times etc. and were there for anything they needed us for while in recovery. She even lived in a sober living place where she finally could remain clean and sober. It still amazes me how parents can be in such DENIAL when it is right in front of you. WE did end up saying we were going to commit her if she didn't sign into a treatment place after a near death episode by her. I hope some day she understands what she put her dad and me through. But at 26, she still is young, even with 2 kids. Anyone that could walk in her shoes during those years could probably not have survived emotionally or physically. She has  many friends that are dead now too and I can't imagine going through that either at her age. She does give back and sponsors and chairs meetings. I am so proud of her.  Many parents in my community went through the exact same thing only some lost their children to death. It didn't matter what income level either or the  extent of the parenting skills. I just needed to let this out. I thank God so much for how healthy she is despite everything she has been through with total blackouts etc. Again, my advice would be for any parent to act immediately if possible while they are still under age 18. I use to think if she ended up in prison that would be the worst thing ever. Then I met a doctor whose daughter as in prison! He taught me that prison saved her life. I know you are all right here when you say, it is time to take care of me and focus on me. I see how that is my saving grace now with all the feelings I am going through. I hope this helps anyone by my sharing this. cdb

[cadagi101]

sharing cbd is so helpful to everyone on this forum.     Thankyou so much for doing it.   Boy you have had so much to contend with..proud would have to be  an understatement when your family members finally get it together.    You stuck with dd all these years and it must have nearly killed you.  You are doing an amazing job just having got through what you have.