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Advice needed - Future daughter-in-law is allowing contact only via her

Started by Keys Girl, July 26, 2010, 06:01:02 PM

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luise.volta

Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

1Glitterati

Quote from: Keys Girl on July 26, 2010, 06:01:02 PM
I'm thinking of letting them know that our relationship is subject to one more try.  That I will give them a chance to rebuild our relationship with cooperation, respect and courtesy, but if that doesn't happen, I'm prepared to end it and wish them the very best of luck in their new life and get on with my life and enjoy the peace and quiet again.

I'm not going to say you should or you shouldn't say this.  I am going to say be prepared if you do.  Ultimatums are a 50/50 shot.  If you make one...follow through if the ultimatum isn't met.

I've issued an ultimatum before.  I didn't "win".  I followed through.  It hasn't been pleasant, but I meant what I said.  And, things will never be the same again because I gave the ultimatum and I stuck to it.

Keys Girl

Thank you for your feedback, everyone.

I don't know if I am "Auntie Mame" but once I got into my thirties, I never let anyone stop me from doing anything that I wanted to do.  I'm only 2 years away from 60, so I have even less patience now than I did for the spoiled brats of jellyfish parents who have conditioned their princess daughters to expect the world to carry on their bad behavior.  I told my son last year that this woman was a vat of behavior problems and that I would not tolerate her bad behavior because he was putting a ring on HER finger, not mine.  I also told him that if she was this much trouble now, when he did put a wedding ring on her finger she would be 10 times worse.  I also told him that if he told her about my warnings and she took out her anger on him that I would be fine with that, because after all, he chose her.

He wasn't too happy about that, and initially was the same polite, courteous son he had always been.  However soon after when Bridezilla found out much of what I told him, the verbal abuse department took off like a shot and some of the things that came out of my son's mouth on the telephone were so shocking that the only thing that I could do was fight to keep calm and maintain my composure.  I did.  There were numerous instances of obvious hostility however I did try on numerous occasions to be as conciliatory as possible including contributing my time and energy to get various things ready for the wedding.  It was a waste of time, about nine months, but I'm glad I did it. 

Of course I shouldn't be paying for the wedding, any more than I should be paying for the engagement ring when he called me to ask me for money because the Princess wasn't happy with the size of the ring he could afford to buy her.  I refused to give him a nickel.  Engagement rings are not in my budget.  If she didn't love him enough to marry him without a fancy ring, she doesn't love him enough.  I don't know that she loves him in the sense that many women our age would think of love, but one this is for sure........love doesn't hurt, financially, emotionally or any way else.  This is not love, this is control, or rather in my case, attempted control in an effort to fluff up her ego and enjoy my suffering as a double whammie, because after all she's the Princess.

Tough patootie, cutie........I have been on this earth for a lot longer, met a lot more people who are far nastier and I don't have a minute anymore for anyone who won't give me the basics of common courtesy.  There is an enduring and unshakable standard in our culture that Mothers should always be there for their children, and be self sacrificing in the process and be happy to do it.  Bunk.  I've paid my dues, in every way, worked from 5AM to midnight, 52 weeks a year to pay the bills on my own, make the meals, do the wash, groceries, drive him all over town so he can visit his friends and picked up the pieces when his father refused to pay child support and used to cancel out on his visits at the very last minute (after my son had waited 3 months to see him).  There is also a maxim that says you treat the parent you trust the worst, because you know that parent won't abandon you, and you treat the parent who hasn't treated you well with extraordinary efforts to please them which rarely work out.

I know that he wouldn't have called his father for money for the engagement ring, I know that she wouldn't have dictated to his father that huge expenses for the "coronation" type wedding were his.  I know my ex phones them on a constant basis and TELLS them when he is coming to visit and they had better be ready at the most inconvenient times.  I wouldn't do that.  They know that but don't appreciate it.

My son wanted a small ceremony with both sets of parents and the bride and groom on a beach........and John Belushi used to say ..."But Nooooo, she was insistent on the extravaganza that other people would pay for, (cost more than 3 years of my tiny pension) and that she would brag about.

My son has had more than adequate warning and the day may come when he comes to me and says "You were right"..........that day may or may not come, but in the meantime, as the old saying goes "If Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy".  This Mama, ain't going to keep anybody happy except HERSELF, and will continue with the waiting game while making the most of every single day and making the most of my own life and carrying on my traditions of helping others.

I will be happy with or without the brat bride and submissive groom in my day-to-day life.

It's not that I don't love my son, but I don't love watching him grovel to please a spoiled, insecure, demanding materialistic princess as well as allowing her to try to dictate how I will keep in touch with them.  I don't love him enough to sabotage my own life and happiness.  I am responsible for mine and he is responsible for his. 

I'll respect his choices and he'll respect mine (even if they have to do it the "hard way").

The words of the poem in the movie "Invictus" are my motto.

"I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul".

"Today I will be as happy as a seagull with a french fry." Author Unknown

barelythere

You tell em, Keys Girl! My hero!  Tough Patootie Cutie doesn't know she's come face to face with a tornado, does she? (((((((((  )))))))))
From the words of Gloria Upson (who sounds like your DIL) from Auntie Mame:

"Bunny Bixler and I were in the semi-finals - the very semi-finals, mind you - of the ping-pong tournament at the club and this ghastly thing happened. We were both playing way over our heads and the score was 29-28. And we had this really terrific volley and I stepped back to get this really terrific shot. And I stepped on the ping-pong ball! I just squashed it to bits. And then Bunny and I ran to the closet of the game room to get another ping-pong ball and the closet was locked! Imagine? We had to call the whole thing off. Well, it was ghastly. Well, it was just ghastly."

(Auntie Mame told Patrick that Gloria had braces on her brains)

Pen

KG, your FDIL sounds like mine times twenty. DS has been to see us w/o her perhaps three times in all the years they've been together. While he's here she calls many times, and each visit DS has had to leave early because of some "emergency" situation. From rings to condos to cars she wants the best of everything on a college-student budget. Her parents make sure she has it; she knows better than to expect DS to ask us for the money!

Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

luise.volta

Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Keys Girl

I wasn't sure what the reference to Auntie Mame and Bunny was all about but did find a clip on UTube.......ooohhh......that tone of voice was the same tone that the bride to be used to tell me that she had chosen the only day of the year that I would not like.......I'll have to try and get a copy of the movie, I hear that you can watch it again and again and still laugh.

The common denominator in all of these posts is pain, however, laughter (and an Auntie Mame attitude along with a tub of chocolate ice cream) is the best medicine in my opinion.  The old rule that "Revenge is dish best served cold" is one that is very wise, but oh so hard to stick to in the heat of pain and anger and battle.  I'm so grateful to Luise for setting up this forum.  Before I read her posts on the internet I was depressed and full of despair, but knowing that I'm not the only woman in the world whose adult son/daughter has turned out to be more of a disappointment after decades of time, energy, money and devotion has helped me a lot. 

Bravo, Luise, you're my hero.
 
"Today I will be as happy as a seagull with a french fry." Author Unknown

barelythere

Keys Girl,

You're not alone in this at all.  Huge numbers of us belong to this heartbreaking group.  I think just hearing the stories can keep you sane at times. You can say, yes, I know, I've been there.  You and your spunk has made you my personal hero so keep that wit about you and get Auntie Mame with Rosalind Russell and get ready to laugh your head off.  It is based on a true story. You likely will need to order it from Amazon. It was made in 1958. 

Nana

Barelythere.......  yes, yes.  (give me five)....congrats....my hero too.

You have been hurt inmensely.......bu you are almost there......way to dignity and peace of mind.    Sometimes dil have the power (gc and son).........but we can stop their power over us...it is us to decide...when enough is enough.....
Everyone of us know our limits.......it is something personal that we know when we cannot take more.

God bless you and guide you......
Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove:
Shakespeare

Pooh

Woot Woot!  You just described my DIL and DS exactly!!!!!

I am with all the other ladies here.  What an inspiration you are.  You have arrived at the place before the marriage, that it took many of us here to arrive at afterwards.  I love how you write, please continue posting.


When your dreams turn to dust, vacuum!
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

catchingup

 8) I love your attitude Keys girl. My attitude too.
Now we can all remember the turn of this century. Seem long ago? Not to me.
We may have that length of time or two if we are Luise 0r three or four to catch up on all the things we missed out on while devoting our life to bringing up kids.I sure will not fret while they are busy changing diapers and all that goes with it.
I do love babies and my sons but I have a life.

neecee

Yeah! You rock KeysGirl!  I could change your signature and add my own name!  My first conversation with now DIL was if we had enough retirement saved..."just in case we need to take care of you".  Hah!
The only time we heard from them is when they wanted more money for their wedding.  The money topic would arise on the few occasions that we did see them. 

Got it now.  Old dad and I are getting more emotionally healthy spending this son's "inheritance".  We are having a wonderful year with our 8th trip since January.  Make no mistake that we are wealthy by any means, but, you know, car trips and camping, hiking, walks, picnics and friends can keep that sadness at bay and way more fun than paying for another therapist to discuss that feeling of "what did we do wrong?"...again!


luise.volta

Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

cremebrulee

Quote from: neecee on July 29, 2010, 09:54:00 AM
Yeah! You rock KeysGirl!  I could change your signature and add my own name!  My first conversation with now DIL was if we had enough retirement saved..."just in case we need to take care of you".  Hah!
The only time we heard from them is when they wanted more money for their wedding.  The money topic would arise on the few occasions that we did see them. 

Got it now.  Old dad and I are getting more emotionally healthy spending this son's "inheritance".  We are having a wonderful year with our 8th trip since January.  Make no mistake that we are wealthy by any means, but, you know, car trips and camping, hiking, walks, picnics and friends can keep that sadness at bay and way more fun than paying for another therapist to discuss that feeling of "what did we do wrong?"...again!

LOL, I'm with ya girl!!!!

cremebrulee

Quote from: Keys Girl on July 27, 2010, 12:54:59 PM
Thank you for your feedback, everyone.

I don't know if I am "Auntie Mame" but once I got into my thirties, I never let anyone stop me from doing anything that I wanted to do.  I'm only 2 years away from 60, so I have even less patience now than I did for the spoiled brats of jellyfish parents who have conditioned their princess daughters to expect the world to carry on their bad behavior.  I told my son last year that this woman was a vat of behavior problems and that I would not tolerate her bad behavior because he was putting a ring on HER finger, not mine.  I also told him that if she was this much trouble now, when he did put a wedding ring on her finger she would be 10 times worse.  I also told him that if he told her about my warnings and she took out her anger on him that I would be fine with that, because after all, he chose her.

He wasn't too happy about that, and initially was the same polite, courteous son he had always been.  However soon after when Bridezilla found out much of what I told him, the verbal abuse department took off like a shot and some of the things that came out of my son's mouth on the telephone were so shocking that the only thing that I could do was fight to keep calm and maintain my composure.  I did.  There were numerous instances of obvious hostility however I did try on numerous occasions to be as conciliatory as possible including contributing my time and energy to get various things ready for the wedding.  It was a waste of time, about nine months, but I'm glad I did it. 

Of course I shouldn't be paying for the wedding, any more than I should be paying for the engagement ring when he called me to ask me for money because the Princess wasn't happy with the size of the ring he could afford to buy her.  I refused to give him a nickel.  Engagement rings are not in my budget.  If she didn't love him enough to marry him without a fancy ring, she doesn't love him enough.  I don't know that she loves him in the sense that many women our age would think of love, but one this is for sure........love doesn't hurt, financially, emotionally or any way else.  This is not love, this is control, or rather in my case, attempted control in an effort to fluff up her ego and enjoy my suffering as a double whammie, because after all she's the Princess.

Tough patootie, cutie........I have been on this earth for a lot longer, met a lot more people who are far nastier and I don't have a minute anymore for anyone who won't give me the basics of common courtesy.  There is an enduring and unshakable standard in our culture that Mothers should always be there for their children, and be self sacrificing in the process and be happy to do it.  Bunk.  I've paid my dues, in every way, worked from 5AM to midnight, 52 weeks a year to pay the bills on my own, make the meals, do the wash, groceries, drive him all over town so he can visit his friends and picked up the pieces when his father refused to pay child support and used to cancel out on his visits at the very last minute (after my son had waited 3 months to see him).  There is also a maxim that says you treat the parent you trust the worst, because you know that parent won't abandon you, and you treat the parent who hasn't treated you well with extraordinary efforts to please them which rarely work out.

I know that he wouldn't have called his father for money for the engagement ring, I know that she wouldn't have dictated to his father that huge expenses for the "coronation" type wedding were his.  I know my ex phones them on a constant basis and TELLS them when he is coming to visit and they had better be ready at the most inconvenient times.  I wouldn't do that.  They know that but don't appreciate it.

My son wanted a small ceremony with both sets of parents and the bride and groom on a beach........and John Belushi used to say ..."But Nooooo, she was insistent on the extravaganza that other people would pay for, (cost more than 3 years of my tiny pension) and that she would brag about.

My son has had more than adequate warning and the day may come when he comes to me and says "You were right"..........that day may or may not come, but in the meantime, as the old saying goes "If Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy".  This Mama, ain't going to keep anybody happy except HERSELF, and will continue with the waiting game while making the most of every single day and making the most of my own life and carrying on my traditions of helping others.

I will be happy with or without the brat bride and submissive groom in my day-to-day life.

It's not that I don't love my son, but I don't love watching him grovel to please a spoiled, insecure, demanding materialistic princess as well as allowing her to try to dictate how I will keep in touch with them.  I don't love him enough to sabotage my own life and happiness.  I am responsible for mine and he is responsible for his. 

I'll respect his choices and he'll respect mine (even if they have to do it the "hard way").

The words of the poem in the movie "Invictus" are my motto.

"I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul".

Youu remind me so much of Kathryn Hepburn, and I loved, loved, loved her!!!!!

You, are an asset to this community....and no matter what happens, somehow, I know, it will all work out in the end....your DIL is very lucky to have you....and MIL's listen up....remember, when your DIL's act like this, I think part of the reason is, b/c they fear you/us....?  They are afraid our son's won't love them as much as they love us....and that's so so wrong...if they knew anything, they'd know that....

I'm in your corner....
and hope your son wakes up and breaks the engagement off...but fast....
he has no idea what he's in for?

Hugs
Creme