May 26, 2019, 05:22:14 pm

News:

"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


I don't love my step-daughters anymore.

Started by a dog named blu, July 22, 2010, 04:46:14 am

Previous topic - Next topic

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

a dog named blu

I have seen their father cry and they didn't respond.   I have seen him say we need help from you girls to work out the problems we all have so we can get along.   It goes without response.  They show no empathy,  responsibility,  concern for the estranged relationship.  If we asked them about lies they told, we got no reponse.   Being without their father they described as the best father ever of 2 years, we see no emotion, no disturbance.   We use to help them out financially and we stopped.   We never saw a emotion.  They told their step-brothers they know how hard we tried but showed us nothing.   The hang with their mom is is a very vindictive person who can be very mean.    They even describe her as mean.   We have tried love,  communication, distance, firmness, confrontations,  nothing moves them.   We have been trying to live life the best we can.   If we try to be nice,  something mean will come out.    The last time it was I am not paying my 50,000 dollar college loan to which my husband is the cosigner.   That will set us back so far it is terrifying.    Financially we did a lot for them and strained our bodys to help them move.   We let them know we cry,  won't tolerate anymore.   No response.    If they were husbands I could divorce them.    I have tried harder because they were my husbands children.    My husband and his ex made big mistakes with the girls  now in their mid 20's.    My husband has been in counseling for a few years and tried to tell them where he screwed up.    They say it isn't him talking,  it's me and deny we both exist with comments like that.    They want him the way he was,  taking care of them,  sharing the same bed with them and the mother still supports that.    Their we adults sleeping every night with their father.   They denied any incest,  but others think they are in love with him and it's more like a break up.   It's so painful for me that I start wondering how did my husband get such cruel and cold and heartless children and start doubting if their was physical incest.   No counselor see's any of that potential in him.    However the pain is so deep with his daughters having no emotion they show that my mind goes to the worse.   I want to forget about them,   but we are in the same town.   I know in my heart in will never get better and their is too much damage that I can't overcome.    Sometimes I think I have to leave my marriage just to forget about them.    I am not sure that is not what they are hoping for.     Please listen again,  they show no empathy,  concern, care, remorse for anything.             I am in too much pain,  I can't even concentrate to watch TV since she laid they news on us she wasn't paying her loan for now.   We can't trust she will again.   We tried talking about it,  she doesn't respond.   Mind you she said that when I offered to take her and her sister out to lunch and talk.    I can't stand the stress and it's gone into the marriage.    My husband and I are sleeping seperate.

barelythere

Just my opinion, Blu but it sure looks like they are trying to destroy your marriage.  They are doing a good job of that but they are destroying you in the process too.  Keeping you in my prayers. These girls are out for revenge.

Pooh

Welcome blu.   I think it is time that you step back and ask yourself a question.  Do you want to save your marriage?  If the step-daughters were not in the picture, would you be happy with DH?  I ask this because if the answer is yes, then that is what you need to concentrate on.  From what you posted, it sounds like you believe DH to be a good person and good father and its obvious you love him to support him through all of this.

Time to concentrate on you and your DH's relationship and let this destructive one with the step-daughters go. 
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Alicev

July 22, 2010, 06:43:26 am #3 Last Edit: July 22, 2010, 02:38:41 pm by Faith
We are powerless over other people. We can have power with people provided both parties care for each other but we don't have power over anybody. There is no way to make the stepdaughters care unless they want it on their own. So all the struggle in that direction is futile and hard work and takes a lot of your energy that can be spent on self care instead. Whatever you are doing right now seems not to be working. The best you can do for your own sanity is to focus on your relationship with your husband and be supportive of him and trust that he will figure out a solution that works for his relationship with his daughters.

Pen

Take care, Blu. I've not been through this as a stepmom, just as a grown up stepdaughter. I've seen friends deal with stepchildren and most of the time it's not pretty, unfortunately. You have a tough situation, and you and your DH need each other now more than ever. If you and he love each other enough to continue being married you'll have to figure out how to keep the stepdaughters from sabotaging your relationship. Best wishes and {{hugs.}}
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

luise.volta

I'm way out of m league here. It seems to me that you both need a very special and gifted counselor. I would guess, (and that's all it is), that the prior sleeping arrangements point to deep pathology. It's not yours. And I agree with the consensus that focusing on your own healing and supporting DH is the direction in which to turn. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

miss_priss

QuoteTime to concentrate on you and your DH's relationship and let this destructive one with the step-daughters go.


Well put.  If you two have any hope of facing this together, then the bond between husband and wife must come first. 

fruhmom

I am a newbie.  I have learned through my own heartache, pain & confusion not to entirely let go but to release and concentrate on myself and the things imediately around me that I love.  If you don't your subconscious mind takes over with everything that you have been through and reminds you constantly of everything and you can't let it go.  Get control before it damages you and your relationship.
You can do it, we are strong!

luise.volta

Welcome and that's gret advice! Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

cremebrulee

July 23, 2010, 04:32:13 am #9 Last Edit: July 23, 2010, 04:37:52 am by cremebrulee
Well, I am no counselor, by any means, however, I'm going to give my 2 cents...no parent, ever, should allow a child to share the same bed with them...if anything, if the child is sick, then a parent should go into they're room to comfort them...allowing a child to sleep with parents is so wrong....the child develops a security and cannot learn to sleep alone...however, water over the dam, and cannot be reversed.

2nd...it sounds to me like your husband and his ex enabled these girls to be like this...doesn't mean they were bad parents...just means, they loved the girls to much and did things for them to make they're lives to easy and spoiled them.....sometimes as parents, we try to protect our children way to much and create monsters.  Children must learn that life isn't always fair...they must learn to work for what they want meaning, get jobs and be taught how to manage they're money...it's not the amount that is saved, it's that they are taught to put money away each paycheck and learn how to balance a check book, and live strickly within they're budget.  Children should also be taught how to cook, clean, shop, do laundry, ask to be excused from the table, be taught to say please and thank you, be tuaght when out in public to respect the personal space of people around you and learn how to whisper, how to sit still in a resturant, and to not speak unless spoken to.  Children should be allowed to experience disappointments...(for instance, yesterday, was my friends daughter's birthday, she'll be 7 years old...they had planned a sleep over, however, their AC broke, and her daughter was devestated...) yes, it is heartbreaking, but I reassured her that by postponeing the sleep over and birthday celebration, that when they do have it, it's going to be even better b/c of this or that...

Yes, it is sad, but children must learn they can't always have they're way....if they don't learn that life has it's disappointments, how will they deal with frustrations and dissappointments, if we don't allow them to happen. 

Parents also try to protect children by making excuses for they're behavior...and the children never learn that it is inappropriate to act like that...a child's upbringing is so important...the responsiblility of the parent is so important b/c you can either make or break a child. 

We all make mistakes, we all look back and say, I could have done this or that better...however...there is a reason why your step children are like this...this is the way they were brought up...it wasn't intentional...it was done out of love, and a lot of times, when children come from a slit home, they learn very quickly how to manipulate, b/c the parents will do anything for them, to make up for them not being there, the parents feel over ridden with guilt due to the break up, or the parents play tug of war with the children and the children suffer. 

I see no answers to this problems but what I do see is this....parents should never ever give money to money to they're children...unless they have taught they're children from little on up to pay back loans....I know we all love our kids so much that we want to make they're lives better...however, when you do this, your enabling them to not pay you back.  I was taught from little on up, that no matter what, never borrow money unless I really really needed it, and then pay it back...and when I paid it back, I was taught to give so much a week...it didn't matter how much, just as long as I left the person know who loaned me the money that I was making an effort to live up to my promise.

Kids are not taught these things today, and it is unfortunate.  I see a socity who uses cell phones and has no regards for the other person's private space...kids screaming in theaters and resturants and are not taught manners, but left to run loose all over stores etc. Kids with cell phones in Grade schools?  It's ridiculous...and the kids run up bills that the parents pay for them?????  How does a child learn to understand these things about life, if the parent is giving them everything?  Then when the time comes when someone says no to them, they can't handle it, or they cannot provide for themselves, don't know how to manage money, cook, clean, shop wisely...etc.  Parents (not all parents, but a lot of them) today, I think have lost the whole bigger picture of awareness....how our thoughts and actions effect so many other people...that a lot of these things have completely dropped from society's way of thinking, politiness, courtesy, understanding, compassion and just plain thinking about the effects our own actions have on every one else around else. 

So, what I would do is move, get away, and start over...and estrange these girls from your lives...your marriage is of utmost importance...your mental health towards each other is so important....and goes above and beyond anything right now...you both need to stop obsessing about these girls and move on...I certainly hope they are not living with you?  If they are, they need to learn how to support themselves....Gosh, I don't understand, why parents today do everything for they're children...it's like, they feel its they're job...and by doing that, we're creating monster adults who have no concept of how they're words, thoughts and actions effect others...

I'm so sorry your dealing with this...I really am....

Back in the days when I was still dating, trying to find a life time mate...there was a very nice man I dated....only a few times....all he talked about was his daughter who had a terrible mother, much like your husband's ex...he said, due to that, his 20 something daughter was using drugs and would probably come and live with him. 

I never told him why, but ended our relationship right then and there, as I knew we would never agree...I am very strict when it comes to children...and how they should be raised...
My foster mother was a very giving and loving person, she gave so much, today, no one knows for sure, how much money she actually gave away to others in need....she did so much for everyone, family extended family, neighbors and friends...however, she taught me, to never allow a gift that was given me, to go unchecked...to either call and say thank you, or send a hand written thank you card...she taught us, no matter how much we hated a gift that was given to us...even if it was a meal or food given to us, to never ever reject a gift from someone, no matter how small or ugly, b/c that would be like slapping that person across the face, and that is exactly what rejection is, a slap in the face.  It hurts, doesn't it? 

Darling...you've got to get away from these girls....otherwise, this will eat away slowly at your health and mental outlook on life...they are draining you...slowly...and maybe that is they're intent...to push you out of your husband's life, did you ever think of that? 

What do the counselors suggest you do, and even though your going to counseling, are you listening and applying it to your lives or are you enabling these girls.  These are questions you are going to have to ask yourselves, you don't have to answer them here...however, what you must do, is make a decission to make your lives better...you have a choice....and if you don't get away from these girls, they will eat you alive I fear....

I really think you need to explore this with your counselor and I do hope you both are still going.....you need a counselor who is going to give you choices...lay the law down to both of you, and discuss the options you have with you.  A good counselor is going to point your mistakes out to you...he is not, I repeat, not going to have you come in there for an hour, listen to you cry your heart out and then only take your money...a good counselor is going to tell you things you don't want to hear and make you aware of your own mistakes, teach you to self examine and tell you your wrong for taking this....

I hope and pray that I've written something that will help give you some light...and will keep  you in my prayers...

(It is very important that you know, I don't know if I'm right here, it is, however what I think and feel and how I was conditioned to believe and act....so, I could very well be wrong about a lot of things)

so sorry for this long disortation...

Hugs
Creme

Sassy

July 23, 2010, 10:27:12 am #10 Last Edit: July 23, 2010, 11:51:18 am by Sassy
I am sending you strength and love.  If your counselor does not give your tired mind some relief, think about trying to talk to a few more until you find that gifted one.
You have a lot of love and understanding in your heart.

My opinion as a woman, how I personally interpret what I read is below.  I am not professional, have no mental health training, these are just my thoughts from a paragraph.

In my opinion a man who sleeps in bed nightly with his adult daughters is committing "Emotional Incest" against them.  Parts do not have to touch for incest to occur.  As the parent, he had the responsibility to set a boundary against that unnatural intimacy, but for whatever reason, he did not.   I agree that what his daughters appear to be going through, as a result of the long term emotional incest they've endured,  is more akin to a dark twist on being a spurned romance, than a spoiled child.   He romanced his daughters and treated them with the intimacy of lovers.  For years.  Having now found a bed mate he prefers more,  he wants to be "just friends" with them instead.  They are rejecting his offers of being platonic, resent him parading his new bed mate in front of them, and expect him to continue to pay "alimony" after he's left them.   In that context, their behavior isn't puzzling or even atypical.  Except it's far deeper and darker and twistedly sick than a mere ex-lover relationship, because they were raised by this man from infants.

These young women are grown victims of very real, tangible and palpable paternal abuse.  If the emotional incest and boundary violations went on for many years as a lifelong pattern, I feel pity and absolute horror for what was done to them.  If what you write here is what happened, their father systematically abused these women.   They are now emotional cripples.  What you are experiencing is the fallout from the abuse.  In an abusive family system, there are often many victims other than the targets.  I assure you, the rotting from the inside out his daughters experience internally and in their own relationships  (and will continue to rot until they are led on a path of healing from their abuse) is far worse than yours.  It's nothing you would even want to imagine.

I sincerely wish you strength and love and good counseling to get through this period of your life.  I think the pain you are feeling is a healthy and normal response to a dark sickness around you.   When your hand is on a hot stove, the searing pain is there to tell you something's wrong.  Keep seeking help and good treatment so you heal properly. Love to you...

Sassy

This forum is more about feelings than cash, but Luise has shared her earned wisdom about personal finances on the site before and I've been grateful for it,
because people (that I know, anyway) in real life don't discuss money openly for privacy or discretion?  So here's what I'd tell any girlfriend who told me this deal: 

About the $50,000 that hangs over you threatening to drop.  Get ahold of that fear of the $50K unknown, tackle it and pin it down girl.  Before wondering eats at you another minute, get a copy of the paperwork he signed, bring it to a Lawyer (prefbly w/a CPA) and find out the facts.  Laws, obligations, responsibilities.  S/he'll sit down with you and find out what can be done in advance to be prepared for each option, short and long term.   When your finances worry you, then get real professional help for the legal knowledge to figure them out.  Find.out.what's.really.up.  If you already did this, then perhaps you've considered that 50 K could be a Canary in a coal mine.  Whatever happens, you will get through this, because you always do. Stay strong.

a dog named blu 1

I was going to delete my sight until I read the responses,  so my name is the same with the 1 at the end.  Yes my step daughters slept with their father all their lifes every night for the youngest until she was 21 and I came in the picture.    Within a year she was married to first guy she ever touched and lived with his family who had a lot of problems.   She became indifferent, cold, uncaring and unwilling to work with us in counseling.   We have only seen her once in 2 years or even talked to her.   The second at 23 was sharing a bed with her father at 23 on occassion,  even though she was sexually active with her boyfriend.   But her and her father were sharing a bed in hotels on business trips.   Please bare with me,   it's all very painful I know.   He slept in his underwear quite often and they fully clothed.    The mother shared their bed too except she worked nights and left her adult daughters in bed with him when she found a boyfriend and filed for divorce.     I have tried all I can to get them into counseling.    They told my adult sons my honesty is what they need,  though hard to take and they agree it was emotional incest.   However they support the sleeping arangements as they say to us and everything was great until I came along.   They are in a pac with their mom,  who they are afraid of who supports how it was done and are among the coldest, unfeeling, caring, unempathetic people I have ever met.   And believe me you,  I am very kind hearted.    Of course my husband didn't say it all upfront,  of course any healthy woman wouldn't of entered into this.  But I did from my own wounds and  I am lost  and will bring all this down to the truth no matter what cost.  But I am scared,  afraid of that love can't prevail in all the hardship,  but you guys are so right on when you say it's still hurting because it's not done.  It is encouraging this is all happening for a reason and that this pain my be for the benefit of healing.   I am no way in a place strong enough to leave my marriage.   My husband is in intense counseling and we are together.   It is just reaching now the deep worthlessness inside his core he has.   He was raised with his father being a severe alcoholic and who for years molested his sisters.   I did not know about a lot of this as he had hidden it if not just from me but from himself.    We have decided the oldest who laid her college loan on us is falling apart not just in how she won't help with us, but with her life and we have offered to split the cost with their mom.   She lives with this person who is as unremorseful as herself(her mom)   It seems her life is failing and 600.00 a month for just a 27 year old in student loans we do feel empathetic towards.   Stepping out of the daughter won't help by going to counseling,  the ugly games and wars that the mother and daughters play,  just walking away from at all and finding out who do we want to be in all this darkness.   I am scared you guys.   Even scared of myself for be married here,  but this guy was wonderful to me in many ways,  but not about honesty either,  but he kept me safe from a horrific past that hurt me deeply.               

luise.volta

Can you can look to see what you need in the middle of all of this? You can't fix any of the past or even the present. Can you separate from others even a little and see if you can focus on your own healing? They one their paths and a lot of it is awful but you matter. You really do. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

elsieshaye

Things may come to a point where the good aspects of your relationship with your husband don't outweigh the badness and craziness that is currently involved.  You can't fix the daughters or your husband.  The only person you can help ultimately is yourself.  Please don't let yourself be engulfed by a tragedy that you did nothing to create.
This too shall pass.  All is well.