What do you expect?

[just2baccepted]

Lily I think what you just posted is exactly right.  I would assume that my sensitive IL's are offended because we don't spend as much time them as I do with my mom.  But dh isn't running over to my mom's house.  When she and I go out to movie or out to eat its almost always just me and her and sometimes my niece and nephew.  Before I found out the IL's loathed me I just always felt like it was DH's place to invite them over or set up time to go to lunch or whatever.  The one time I asked my MIL to do something with me she said no.  When we first got married her and her daughter went to Affair of the Heart craft show that comes to town occasionally.  The fairgrounds were close to our house and she never asked if I would like to go.  Right off the bat I guess they were trying to alienate me but boy has it back fired on them now!  Because that was the first step for them to actually alienate themselves because my hubby's feelings were hurt by it and even talked to his dad and wanted to know why they didn't' invite me.  And then several years later Affair of the Heart came back to town so I asked MIL if she would like to go with me and she said NO.  Its so sad but I guess they don't see it.  They see it as pushing me out and alienting me but all their doing it alienating themselves because my hubby loves me and they just can't accept that.  My MIL actually just bought a new bed for my hubby.  That's so he's encouraged to come out and spend the night.  Because they know he only spends the night when I don't come along.  I'm sorry about going on about this, it just gets stuck in my head when I  read certain things.

[SunnyDays09]

"We want the same perks as she gives HER MOTHER."

This is sort of what I was wondering about as far as expectations go.  Why can we expect her to do the same for us (her husband's mother, not hers) that she does for her mother?  Shouldn't we expect our son to do the same for us?  This was one of my pitfalls, expecting my DIL to include me/do things for me that she did for her family, when really it's my son's job to do those things for his family.  I found my DIL and I's relationship and my son and I's relationship got a lot better when I realized it's his job, not hers.

  But what do you do, if she the dil, won't allow him to do anything for his side.  He is allowed to go help her mother paint.  His mom asks, he walks in and says "I don't know why you even asked me, I won't do it right"  ?? WTHECK?  I never!  Where did he get this?  I felt like saying, "then go"  Don't help me if you are determined to make it an awful time with me. 
  He is allowed to frequent all of their drink fests, little parties, whatever.  They never had time for ours.  If they did, you could tell that they were angry with each other or US?  and would just sit with arms folded not speaking.   I asked her - the dil - when she was just the booty call girl friend, to join us.  Was always told NO.  Busy. School. Work. Etc.  I kept asking.  Sincerely.   Didn't dawn on me this was just a tact.  A way for her to put distance.  Oh well.

[AnnieB]

Tamcat, I don't know where to begin, so I'll try to be brief.

I feel that this forum is a MIL's forum.  I appreciate the advices and sharing with most of the DIL's (Just2be and Sassy, to name two).    We have had one poster who was on the edge of causing some conflict, but she seems to have left.   

I've seen on one of the anti-MIL boards advice to ignore and not get into discussion with people who are obviously trying to start some negative discussion, and I'd highly recommend we all do the same here.  Rather than going into screaming combat with someone, write a note to the admin with a copy of any PM or inflammatory statements, and ignore the person, don't reply to them.

When we start replying, copying bits of their text, and they copy ours -- we are entering into a losing battle.  We step away from our own discussion and support of each other and our issues.  We also become overly sensitive and may, in our anger, mis-read and mis-interpret what others are saying.

Different people can find different words meaning different things.  I would find it flattering to be called "gutsy" -- I consider myself a gutsy woman -- so please take a moment to talk with Just2be and make sure she's saying what you think she's saying.

[just2baccepted]

AnnieB, thanks for defending me.  I meant no harm in what I said about being gutsy.  I always try to be careful in my comments.  I guess its hard to tell what someone is saying when you can't see their facial expressions??

[luise.volta]

Stop!! Take a deep breath. Stop! Let defending and "she saids" go! Stop!And rest for a while! Stop! And go to another thread! Stop!

[luise.volta]

Posting this for the fourth time tonight...Luise

Well, we are doing our best.

This is a newish site and your moderator, (me), is on a learn-as-you go path. DILs haven't been banned in spite of our name, because they often bring wisdom, a different take on things and some seem to really want to know how to connect. Some have been delighted to find a site that wasn't a MIL bashing entity. Conversely, our intent was never to go for the throat and bash DILs across the board.

I don't know the first thing about how or why someone would create multiple identities. I'm not going to ask my webmaster to police that, his plate is already too full. How can the person keep their postings straight? (I couldn't.)

It's not easy to feel strongly and still respect an apposing point of view. Flaming and baiting are hard to identify...it's pretty subjective. Case in point, I apparently saw dignity where there either was none, or it was a matter of interpretation. And generalizations can be deadly. All DILs are not horrific. Neither are all MILs.

Why not just post on threads where you feel comfortable and pass on the ones where you don't? Or why not start a new thread if you don't like the existing ones?

Why choose sides and take up arms? I would suggest that anyone (MIL or DIL) seriously interested in war move on and create their own forum-battlefield if it's blood they're after. I wonder if www.axetogrind.com is taken. If not, you're welcome to it.

This site is about support and resolution. That's what I wrote about at the top of the Home Page and we have already had a great deal of that. At the same time, to disagree is human and it's the stuff forums are made of. To attack and counter attack, however, seems childish to me and counter productive. Childish being the operative word.

This is, in essence, your forum. It wouldn't amount to much if I sat at my computer all day talking to myself. If you use it to tear each other to shreds, that's how it will end up.

If anyone sees clearly that our agreement isn't being kept and can give me the name of the person who has decided to be a troublemaker, message me and I will look into it and after a warning, remove that person if need be...(whether MIL or DIL.)

Peace, Luise

[chickiebaby]

Dear HappyDays,
I would love to hear about your success story! I love happy endings if there is one....

[SunnyDays09]

My success story?  well, I will try.

    My feelings about my son/dil are a mixed bag.  There was such joy with these two learning about each other and their families together.  Saw some bumps in the road, but nothing they couldn't figure out for each other.  Their relationship was allowed to develop and be nurtured by his family.  "it" just seemed right.  she/he seemed to fit together seamlessly.
   Then with their engagement, perhaps the stress of others closing in on them was just a bit much.  Something had to go.  Elimination of his side was pretty easy.  We weren't the confrontational type. 
  It just happened.  Perhaps bringing the smaller issues up/dealing with at the time would have been the better way to handle the problem.  But with the plans and moving and new jobs, etc., there never was a chance.  They are doing well.  His family is doing well. 
   All in all I hope that some day things get resolved.  But I truly do not see that happening as long as his mil is in the way.  She is the "dominant one" as was said in the maid of honor's wedding toast to bride and groom!  yes, mom was mentioned.  mom was always the center of attention because she expected it.  and she always is to be obeyed.
   Success in their lives is my hope for them.  And perhaps that will happen if Alpha Dog motherinlaw were to move to the farthest reaches of the universe.  TaDa!! 

[AnnieB]

Just my 1 1/2 cents worth here -- but Tam, it sounds like you are looking for a different kind of forum than this one.  And I don't know that one exists.  You might consider looking into starting one of your own -- the software for this kind of forum is free.  Beyond that, I don't know how one goes about setting up a forum.  You do seem to have the intelligence and energy, maybe if you build it, they will come (they being the kind of people with the kind of feedback you want).  And you would be able to decide who could post and who couldn't!

A thought anyway....best of luck to you in dealing with your MIL issues!

(and I'll PM this in case you aren't reading here anymore).

Peace out....

[chickiebaby]

TamKat is in deep grief and very, very sensitive right now.  That part of grieving is the hardest.  Hopefully, she can get a pass for the moment.

[luise.volta]

I am amazed at how many times you have told us that you are done posting. Yet it goes on and on...repetition...victimization...grievance after grievance...accusation after accusation...on and on and on...blame, blame blame. It's OK that you don't like this site. It's OK. Please get that it's OK.

[luise.volta]

J2B - It's kind of a learn-as-you-grow place, isn't it? I know I'm learning a lot. And there have already been times for me that just being heard has been a really healing experience. So, want to say the same thing to this extended family of ours...thank you! 

[Alicev]

I want to join the thank you crowd. Thanks for sharing your stories, insights, loving thoughts. Everyone. I am learning a lot with your help. Thank you for being here on this site.