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What do you expect?

Started by lilyofthevalley, September 02, 2009, 10:12:05 PM

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Prissy

Please don't leave, TamKat.....I've felt like leaving too, especially today.  I think, as long as nothing else happens, I hope to stay. 

Sometimes it feels like a slap in the face when you are not supported on a site that should be for MILs to speak.

But please, reconsider...you have not overstayed your welcome.  We would miss you terribly.

luise.volta

This isn't always easy for any of us. It's life. We don't have to like it or each other all the time and we are all free, of course, to stay or go. But it has possibilities, as does life.

I remember years ago when I belonged to the OA - 12 Step Program hearing "Take what you want and leave the rest."


Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Cat

Well Tamkat I guess I won't comment on your posts since I can't grasp the complexity of your problems.  Your posts were very long and I did read them.  I know you've not been on here for long but since you're not the only one posting on here sometimes its hard to keep up with everyones stories.  I'll try to keep out of your way.

I feel EXACTLY the same Just2b!
But I think she was actually taking it out on me, not on you.

TamKat,
Why do you get so defensive, everyone here is hurt and angry. We are here to help each other- and yes, sometimes our anger may reflect as if it is anger towards you, but believe me, it REALLY isnt!! So sorry if I made you angry- I am not angry at you, I am just sad because of my own issues, with my MIL.
It is exaclty like Luise said,
Take what you want and leave the rest
Thank you!



luise.volta

I think most of us are in learning mode here regarding how our Forum can serve us. I sure am. We are looking for understanding and support and possible resolution. 

It looks like most of us do best when we don't judge each other. "I" statements" help with that. "I feel angry and don't agree...I feel confused...I don't get that."  When we say "you", we mostly don't know what we're talking about. How could we? I think that anger (and most reactive behaviors) can be great mirrors. They can point us to our core beliefs and values if we will let them.

Case in point, I am furious when I am not heard. Sometimes it is only my perception but it still sets me off into the whole rejection thing. What I have come to learn about that is that I really value listening and acknowledgment. I know myself better for that. When it comes up again, I can sometimes say..."Ah, there you are...it's OK..down girl!" And that makes room for me to act more responsibly instead of reactively. (But not always!)

We come here wounded. Sometimes defensive and locked into being right. What we can take away is compassion. I'm convinced that various levels of healing can occur here.

Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

just2baccepted

Well I apologize. I don't mean for Tamkat to leave.  I just didn't care for being somewhat reprimanded for not "understanding" her situation.  I was just throwing out a thought on her situation.  I wasn't judging and I didn't think what I said was that big of a deal.  I've had people comment on some of my posts and thought to myself that they didn't read my initial "story" but I didn't reprimand them for "not reading my story."  If you get on this blog people are going to comment on what you said right?  I'm sorry if I'm being too sensitive.

SunnyDays09

QUOTE:  Do I expect her to become my friend? Not necessarily.  I don't need to know her every little thought.  Of course if she were to come to me and ask me for advice I'd offer it, but only from a neutral point of view.  I would never take sides.


  Hey I don't see a thing wrong here.   Really.  Sounds like you take it/she as it comes.  Don't have any unrealistic demands or expectations.  Why friend?  As in calling up spilling guts going shoe shopping friends?  Isn't that a bit much to expect?  As mils we just want to be treated as humans.  That's all.  Not to be gossiped about and  only accused of it.  Not to be lied to in order to save her skin.  Not to be eliminated from their lives if HER MOTHER can be in it!  We want the same perks as she gives HER MOTHER.  But since guys don't say much about it - we lose!!

just2baccepted

We want the same perks as she gives HER MOTHER.  But since guys don't say much about it - we lose!!

Happydays, I think you hit the nail on the head.  Daughters want a close relationship with their mom but I  know my hubby just isn't that concerned about meeting for lunch or shopping, etc.. He just wants to watch a ball game and piddle in the garage.  He just doesn't respond when his mom tries to make him feel sorry for her.  He just doesn't catch it.  I'll notice it and bring it up but he's never notices.  I think that's why women want to have girls, I know that's how I felt when we were trying to have a baby.  I wanted a girl for the future, we would be friends, I assumed.

luise.volta

You certainly aren't responsible for her leaving...if she has. She is responsible for that. And you have every right to say how you feel. You did it with dignity. That's all that's needed.

It's your forum, too.

We all have different expectations and we all express differently.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

SunnyDays09

Quote from just2beaccepted:  Daughters want a close relationship with their mom but I  know my hubby just isn't that concerned about meeting for lunch or shopping, etc.

   And that's a good thing!  :D

  I was a single mom for awhile.  Trying to remove son from harm's way with his very alcoholic with explosive temper! loser of a father.  It was rough.  I had made some poor choices when his father and I divorced.  In fact I can honestly say I lost my mind.  Constant bad choices. Acting out.  It was bad for awhile.  I couldn't deal with the hurt and deceit of discovering his father was unfaithful during our entire short marriage. 
  I always felt there was a bond between son and I that was very strong.  I felt I saved him from a doomed future with his dad.  I straightened up and got him back away from that awful situation as best as I could. 
   If it wasn't for me - my son would have never had a bicycle.  My first charge account on my own was opened to get him his first cool two wheeler.   
I became involved with his school.  Let him choose the extra curricular (what I could afford) and even kept dialogue going with his father.  I wanted to make him see that I and his new stepfather were his family.  To talk to about anything.  To never feel alone or frightful that a fist would come out of the blue if he were to say or do something.  Love. Trust. 
  It wasn't until high school he started going down a terrible path.  I had NO experience in dealing with a 17 year old alcoholic.  But I hung on.  Saw family therapists, school counselors, etc.  Took their advice, etc.  To try to help him.  Would have done anything to help him.  He put me and his family through some very terrible nightmarish times.  Never apologized.  Never thanked us for staying firm and supporting him.  Nothing.  Like a cold empty shell. 
  Sorry.  I couldn't stop. 

luise.volta

H/D - It's not time to stop until it is. Whether you are writing a post or hanging in there, family-wise.

Most of us have histories that we aren't proud of. I know I do. That's the face of learning and growing for many. One step forward, two back. Doing well, falling flat...getting back up.

Much love going out to you.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

luise.volta

To All - my post above was about TamKat leaving. I am starting to realize that I need to address comments to specific people if that is my intent and refer to individuals, not just say "her." Please bear with me as I learn.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Prissy

I hope so much that TamKat will come back here. It's her forum too, as you told the other poster.   I hope she'll be welcomed to post and be heard. I miss her!




SunnyDays09

Quote from luise.volta: H/D - It's not time to stop until it is. Whether you are writing a post or hanging in there, family-wise.

Most of us have histories that we aren't proud of. I know I do. That's the face of learning and growing for many. One step forward, two back. Doing well, falling flat...getting back up.

Much love going out to you.


And ♥ to you too luise. 

luise.volta

MILU is for everyone who finds it nurturing. TamKat...where aaaarrrrreeee yoooouuuuuu?
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

lilyofthevalley

"We want the same perks as she gives HER MOTHER."

This is sort of what I was wondering about as far as expectations go.  Why can we expect her to do the same for us (her husband's mother, not hers) that she does for her mother?  Shouldn't we expect our son to do the same for us?  This was one of my pitfalls, expecting my DIL to include me/do things for me that she did for her family, when really it's my son's job to do those things for his family.  I found my DIL and I's relationship and my son and I's relationship got a lot better when I realized it's his job, not hers.