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How do we let go of his adult daughters? Please help

Started by a dog named blu, July 21, 2010, 02:24:22 PM

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a dog named blu

Hi,  I am putting this out there to see if anyone can relate, see beyond what we do,  offer suggestions to help us let go.  My adult stepdaughters left their dad when he would not accept them not working with us.  They would with him, but we felt it was boycott.   Even though they have given us heartache for 2 years before march 2010,  they told their stepbrothers they knew how hard we had both tried and missed us.  We got them to one counseling session and never saw any signs of love.   They lie, show no empathy, remorse, responsibility, concern to make this better,  left their dad when he wouldn't leave me.   They described him as the best dad ever and yet never responded to emotional pleas for help.   We have tried tough love,  communication, begged for counseling.   Their is no concern in 2 years,  not even an emotion of this being hard for them.   They pak with their mom who we have a protective order on as she would not respect boundaries and yet we knew they were afraid of their mom emotionally.   It's like they never had real love for their father.  He is aware where he went wrong with them himself and tried to share that.  They don't care.   They don't hurt from anything we have seen.    They just found other people to be with and acted like if we took a gasping breath it wouldn't move them.    We reached out a while back again and the oldest dropped in our lap she wasn't going to pay her student loan.  It felt as if she wanted to hurt us and wouldn't discuss it.    We both feel they are enjoying this and feel power and control far deeper than love.   We feel they may have inappropriate feels for their father,  more like woman than daughters.   We don't know how to let go and quit trying.   We don't know how both his children could be this way.   The youngest married a guy that doesn't care either to ever try to help.   They are in the same small town we are.   Sometimes we don't know how to forget them.   We have sought professional guidance and counseling.   We are stuck,  it's like,   how do you say goodbye.   How does my husband and not wonder what-else wrong he did,  when they say he was the best.     We have tried everything that could ever be tried.        We are lonely,  unsure,  feel so bad.   They both a while back were bought cars,  community college paid for,  we helped them move, furnished their homes,  it's like they don't even care they don't have our help anymore.        Please help

Alicev

Hi! I am so sorry you have had to go through something like this. I was left a little confused as to the construction of the events. Do I understand correctly that you are married to a man who has 2 grown daughters from his previous relationship? The stepbrothers - are these your own children? Do the girls refuse to work with their father because he has a relationship with you? I understand from your post that you and their father have helped them financially a lot and you guys feel they did not show gratitude for that. You would like to move on but don't know how?

a dog named blu

to set the confusion,   I the stepmom have 2 adult sons.   He has the daughters who are 27 and 24.  He is divorced from their mother.   He helped them a lot before we got married and than we both helped them a lot together.

luise.volta

One of the hardest things for most of us to learn is that helping our adult children doesn't necessarily buy us anything, To the contrary, they sometimes feel inadequate, resent it on some level and hold us responsible for their feelings. It is so hard not to help, I know. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

a dog named blu

We stopped helping them financially a year ago,  we are talking about we feel their is nothing we do to emotionally help anymore.

irenic

Hi A Dog,
I have gone through the same thing with my adult daughter, she has finally said she wants nothing to do with me any longer, I spent the last 18 years doing everything for her.  She
is in a "Christian
church now, calls her self the same.  I am hurting so deeply but
each day I try to find something positive, help another person out,
I make jewelry so I make it for those I come in contact with.  My daughter I believe
has narcissitic personality disorder, and the hard thing for me is that I don not like
her any longer.  She and her horrible father and I mean that sincerely are thick as
thieves, after he filed a restraining order on her for threatening him.  We seem to
all be riding in that boat of grief and despair, we all need to help each other out here.
I am sorry for your pain, keep talking here, it helps.

luise.volta

I have mentioned this on other threads but we had two rules when our sons left home; one left to join the Marines and serve in Korea and the other left to enter seminary. The first rule was they could never come home. They could visit and we looked forward to that, but there was no going backward, only forward. The other rule was we only loaned money, it was not anything we would provide any longer. The terms had to be met or in dire circumstances re-negotiated, and if a loan wasn't repaid, it was the last one. They both stood tall and took full responsibility for themselves and every loan was repaid in full.

I think the statement we see so often here, "We gave them every thing even after they left home" may create dependency and resentment. It's just a thought. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama