Adult daughter using her child as a weapon

[nanna628]

Hi everyone, I am new here.  I have 2 daughters 20 and 14.  The 20 year old has an almost 4 year old daughter.  My oldest daughter and my grand daughter have lived with me 95 percent of the time.  We have had several occasions that my oldest has moved out, taken the baby and for what ever reason since she is angry with me, she doesn't allow me to see my grand daughter.  This is the 3rd time it has happened.  Only this one was a little different, she actually got violent with me.  I just turned 50 years old and its the first time ever I have been in a physical confrontation.  I told her to get out of the house, all the other times she left because she was ready to be an adult.  I really want her to lead her own life.   She does have a job, but so do I.  I try to keep the house up but she won't pick up after herself or her daughter.  Again that's what started the problem, I asked her to please help with the house, I put a roof over her head, pay her cell phone bill, car insurance, free daycare (which is very abused)!  Now don't get me wrong I love them both very much.  I did tell her this time to leave,  She is well aware that my grand daughter is very special to me.  I almost have had to take the parenting roll in fact she sometimes calls me nanna mom.  My daughter works, but her priorities are her man (dating only), her job, then my grand daughter.  I so want her to take care of her like she deserves but worry that she doesn't.  I have been told to hold my ground and she will come back.  I'm  a peace maker and usually am the one to apologize and mend fences even if it wasn't me that started the situation.  So hoping someone has some ideas for me.  It been since June 27, day before my 50th birthday that this went down.  Help???

[luise.volta]

Welcome. This the place to vent, be heard and get both understanding and ideas. I'm so sorry you are having this issue. Parenting needs to end when our adult children start to mature. They just don't mature if it goes on too long and it can get pretty complicated. Most of the blame is then dumped on us and the conflict escalates. Hang in there. I hope that if and when she returns to your life, it won't involve moving back in and you see signs of more stability and less dependency. Your life matters...your hopes and your dreams. Sending love...

[DDM]

Hi nana628, welcome to the forum. Hope you find what you need.

The circumstances of your daughter's departure are unfortunate, but the result of her living out on her own may be a blessing in disguise. It may force her to grow up and take responsibility for her life. I know a lot of grammas raise (or practically) raise their grandchildren. They often become more of a mother to the child than a gramma - like yourself. The problem is they are such different roles and you form a totally different relationship, not to mention MUCH easier. LOL! This will at least give you the opportunity to be just "nana".

Chances are your daughter will do fine raising your GD. Maybe she won't do it the same as you would but hey, that's the norm. You have been a good role model for her. That's in her favor. I'm sure you'll still do the daycare and see lots of your GD. Let your daughter know you are not angry but supportive. She has to eventually move out, so why not now? Try to see this (and show your daughter) as a positive thing.

[nanna628]

Thank you both for your wisdom.  I do want her to be successful, starting out so young, I know its been hard for her.  I'll give her the space she needs.  To be just a normal grandma sounds wonderful!

[Lindaspy]

I have been told to hold my ground and she will come back.

Whoever gave you these words of wisdom is right.  She will come back and hopefully when she does it will be to apologize.  I would wager your granddaughter has told her she wants to see you too.  Sometimes, a little separation and time away from each other gives a person the advantage to understand themselves, find out what is and what isn't important and grow up.

[cdb]

Please keep us posted on what happens. This has to be hard on you, but I see you have good suggestions. I feel for you. cdb