Son violated on Cruise Ship

[love342]

Hello...Our 18 y.o. son was on a cruise with us two weeks ago.   His older cousin gave him Vodka
and then left him alone with a girl he had made casual friends with on the cruise.    This was in the
middle of the night and we parents were asleep in our own cabin.    Anyway, our son started kissing
with the girl and then it progressed.   He says they did not have sex but I am pretty sure it went
pretty far.   Now, reading her facebook page, it is obvious she is sleazy and has sex with many.   I
called his doctor but am in shock and depression over the whole thing.    So is he but he is confused
too cause I guess he probably enjoyed it...what guy doesn't?   He is young and never had a serious
girlfriend or a beer.   His cousin pressured him to drink and I know my son did not realize how quick
and hard something as strong as vodka hits you.        I don't want to get him any
more embarrassed by telling family or others what happened but I am scared cause now, Pandora's
Box for sex and drinking has been opened and its hard to turn back once that has been experienced.
Anyway, any advice?    He is going to the doctor in about 2 weeks for standard pre-college
physical and shots and I guess his doc will test him for a variety of stuff.       Oh Lord HELP !!!!   

[luise.volta]

I'm wondering what's happened to the cousin? Is he in trouble, I hope?

I don't think you can assume he will be tested for STD in his physical. You'd better set that up and monitor the results. Your son needs some real guidance here.

If he is soon entering college...booze and sex were only a step away...(if I remember correctly.)

[Postscript]

Can you be a little more specific about what you need help with?

If it's medical tests etc, he should schedule an appointment with his doctor (and yes at 18 he should be able to do this for himself) for std tests including blood tests for hiv.

If it's the emotional side, well only he knows what happened. Violated is an emotive word, does he consider himself violated? To be honest, strong alcohol usually has a detrimental effect on a males ability to violate or be violated, for want of a better description without getting graphic.  If he feels he has been taken advantage of, rather than remorseful about what happened and the way in which it happened, I suggest you speak to him about speaking to a sexual abuse counsellor. 

18 is not 14, at 18 a young man is or should be old enough to not give in to pressure if he feels strongly about it.  I'd discuss it with him in a non judgmental way.  He may feel remorseful about the position he found himself in and be kicking himself for allowing it to happen.  That's ok, mistakes are allowed and learning from our mistakes is optimal.  He needs to know that.  You need to know how he really honestly feels about the whole experience, so as best to guide him.  It may be that you do know or it may be that your reaction is disproportionate to how he feels.  It's been my experience that teenage boys/young men are difficult to read.

[love342]

This is a boy that never even drank a beer so the effect of Vodka hit him like a lead balloon.   He
should have resisted of course but the pressure of the cousin was there and I guess he did not
want to look like a baby.   So...hopefully....he is now better prepared for college temptations.   I
said "Lord Help" because only He can at this point....change our son's heart, prevent STDs, and
get him back on a life of wholesome living, etc.    Anyway, thanks...I just needed a place to vent.
The nephew said it was "international waters" therefore drinking was legal.    Whatever ...   last
trip with that young man!

[Postscript]

I understand, the perils of teenage life as well as the perils of bringing up a teen.  We can only guide them alas.

Has he given thought to getting checked?  It's probably a good idea given that this girl seems to errr get around?  While it will prepare him for college life, is he talking about what happened?

I'm sorry if I seem a little cut and dried, I work in law enforcement, trained to look at facts and give straightforward advice based upon them.

[DDM]

I called his doctor but am in shock and depression over the whole thing.    So is he but he is confused
too cause I guess he probably enjoyed it...what guy doesn't?

Are you sure your son is as shocked, depressed and confused over this as you are? It can be very unnerving to think of our 'children' as sexual beings, even though we know this is normal, natural human development. Of course the big problem is the physical development kicks in a lot earlier than the emotional development. The best thing we can do for our children is have honest and open discussions in this regard. Studies have shown children are much less likely to succumb to peer pressure regarding sex if they are educated early on. This is also true for drugs and alcohol. Physically, I'm sure your son is more than mature sexually. It is important that his emotional maturity keeps pace. 'Shock' and 'depression' are not the emotions I would expect or encourage in an 18yr old. Disappointment or regret - maybe. You don't want to make such a big thing out of this that he feels really bad about himself. You should encourage him to access the situation he found himself in and learn how to better deal with similar situations in the future. Give him some practical tools he can use to make better decisions. 

[Orly]

mmmm....I think a re-adjustment of your outlook might be in order here, Love342.  Your son was not "Violated" on the Cruise Ship,  your vision of him as your baby was.
  Your son has hit the age of consent to the physical aspects of life and it sounds like he gave his consent by being an active participant in the activities on the "love-boat".   His state of confusion maybe coming from your reactions.  He has told you that they didn't have sex, with you ending up doubting his statements....has he made a habit of lying to you before?  If not, then you need to get a grip and realize you son is progressing with his life.  With the college years ahead of him, there is going to be many, many more instances where he is open to different opportunities.  (Please don't even go down that road of "the girls are sleazy" if your son is "freely" joining in...if they are, then HE is too!)  You are either going to have to learn to trust him, or you are going to be upset over everything he will choose to tell you.  Digging for that last tidbit of the information puzzle to suit what you think happened is setting yourself up for heartbreak.

The underage drinking would have been MY main concern (as he isn't legally able to do that).  Pointing out your disappointment in him choosing to drink may have been more effective.  Raking the cousin who supplied it, over the coals would be justifiable.   

Now would be a very good time to sit down with your hubby and your son....discuss ways to turn down offered drinks, discuss the wisdom of using latex products each and every time he really needs them and discuss situations that he may come across on campus.

[elsieshaye]

"change our son's heart, prevent STDs, and get him back on a life of wholesome living, etc."

This part of your post alarms me a little bit.  Basically, much of your post sounds like you want your son to promise he's never going to do anything that makes you uncomfortable or that you disapprove of.  Unfortunately, your son is now a legal adult, and gets to now define what he considers wholesome living.  Please make sure you're not setting up a situation where your son feels unable to talk to you or feels that he needs to hide his life from you or risk disapproval/lecturing/emoting.  Your devastation over him getting drunk and making out with someone is not a helpful reaction, and burdens him with having to deal with YOUR emotions as well as trying to deal with his own.  It's totally appropriate to tell him that you are disappointed about the drinking, and discuss with him the importance of getting tested for STDs/using condoms, but laying a heavy dose of your emotions about his growing up and trying adult things is counterproductive.  Not everything your son does will meet with your approval, but he gets to make mistakes and figure things out himself now that he's an adult.  Hopefully you can react to that in a way that allows him to keep you in his life as much as you both would like.

[Pooh]

This reminds me of an experience with my oldest son when he was 16.  I had always been open and honest in my communications with him and his one-year younger brother about being intimate.  We had long conversations on how important it was that the other person be someone special.  I told them that yes, in a perfect world, you should be married.  But I also told them that the world was not perfect and nor were people so if they did choose to get intimate, how to protect themselves.  I explained it wasn't just about pregnancy any longer, but also diseases and such.  They both seemed to listen and I was so proud of myself, giving such good Mom advice......

Right up to the point about 6 months later when my oldest (16 at the time) pulls his wallet out and says, "Hey Mom.  I have never know you to snoop, but just in case you did come across it, I didn't want you to freak."  And he shows me the condom in his wallet.  I thought I would have a heart attack!  He says, "I'm not having sex, but I wanted to be safe, just in case."

Now, here I was gasping for air thinking, "My baby has a condom....My baby has a condom..." and trying not to kill over and he is grinning at me with this expression on his face of "Aren't you proud of me for listening to you?"

And there it is.  After I got my breath back I realized, he was doing exactly what I had advised.  He had listened and made a very grown-up, informed decision.  Did I want to shrink him down and put him back in a baby bed right then?  Absolutely.  But I had to realize he was growing up and that sex was going to be a natural curiosity for him.  I had to trust that he would do the right things and learn from his mistakes.  All I could do was arm him with knowledge.  The rest was up to him.

Like everyone else has said, have a conversation with him about the drinking.  Have a major conversation with the cousin about what he did, and encourage your son to get checked at the Doctors office.  But, you can't keep them little forever, no matter how much we want to.

[luise.volta]

What a story! And so true! Touching into memories...my two sons were so different! One was sexually active at 13 and the other bemoaned the fact that he was the only virgin in the U.S. Army! 

[cremebrulee]

your son is 18 years old, and I'm afraid, boys will be boys...he is of course going to experiement and not tell you whole truths....just b/c he says he's never had a drink, doesn't mean he hasn't.  I would bow out of his life, he is no longer your baby boy...he is coming of age into a grown adult and that is something your going to have to learn how to deal with...

I'm sorry to say, this is life, all the way around...sex is part of life....and an 18 year old is going to experiment...I am really sorry you felt like you had to call the doctor....he's a grown man now....let him take care of his own business...and respect his privacy....you do the best you can raising them, and hope when they leave home, they take care and make the right decissions, however, we all make mistakes, and we cannot protect our children from making mistakes...that, my friend, is the only way we learn....

so, if I were you, I'd calm down, stay out of it completely and consentrate on other things like doing great things for yourself...your job is over, your son is leaving the nest...and the more you try to control, the more he will estrange himself from you.

Let go mom....is my suggestion, with all due respect....

Hugs
Creme

[janedoe]

Violated? Excuse me? 
I am 99% sure that this is what happened in the cruise. You (his parents) went to bed, your son went to the club of the cruise ship with his older cousin and some friends, started drinking. The girl and your son decided to kiss and engage in sexual activity. Something extremely normal for a guy your son's age. No need to add unnecessary drama to this situation with statements like 'violated', 'depressed', 'confused', etc. you are the one that is confused and depressed, not him (your son).
This situation is called 'he got lucky'. He is 18, not 13! He met a girl he liked, she liked him back, and *they* decided to hook up, maybe even have sexual intercourse. It is not a crime.
There are several issues here:
1. I think it is extremely naive to think that your son *never* had any alcohol before in his life. You put the blame on the older cousin, trying to convince yourself your son is an angel and he had no choice in avoiding the alcohol. Your son *chose* to drink alcohol, he was not forced to do anything he did not want to do. Peer pressure can be strong but it does not stop your son from thinking and making his own decisions, he is not a helpless victim.
Even if he had not drunk any alcohol before, it is common knowledge that vodka is stronger than  beer, your son does not live in a bubble.
2. You claim that due to the alcohol, he engaged *consensual* sexual activity with a girl he met in the cruise. No, your son *chose* to drink *and* hook up with the girl. He would have hooked up with her anyway; alcohol did not cloud his judgment. I am pretty sure this is not the first time your son chooses to kiss/engage in sexual activity with a girl.
Have you thought that he may no longer be a virgin? 
3. Do NOT demonize the girl by calling her 'sleazy' and 'had sex with many'. All human beings have a sexual side, including your son. Your son may not be the asexual angel you think he is. Teenagers and adults (such as your son) do not usually share their sexual lives and choices with their parents, if the girl has been with  X boys, your son may have been with X+Y girls, does it make him 'sleazy' too?
You do not have the right to judge the girl or anybody based on her sexual life. How come you got to read her Facebook page? Why are you  so involved in finding out things about her? That is none of your business at all, that looks like stalking behavior to me. What she chooses to do with her life is her problem, not anybody elses.Your son met her and chose her without asking you for your opinion/input.

You need to let him go. As another poster wrote earlier, the only thing that got violated was your idea of the perfect son you have in your head, which does not correspond to reality. The sooner you snap out of it and accept him for who he is, the better. He will do things you do not approve of; this cruise situation will be the least of your problems.

[luise.volta]

I hope you aren't offended by our various responses...which seem pretty much in accord to me. We are in the "been there...done that, crowd," I think.

When we left my son alone for the weekend at age 16, I was totally impressed because he cleaned the house until it was spotless and then shampooed the carpets as a surprise.  I bragged to my friends at work about how different and how considerate he was and they nearly died laughing. "He had a kegger and they barfed all over your house!" was the consensus.

Sad but true...I found our decades later.

We don't think of them that way and we don't want to know.

I sympathize. (I can still hear my co-workers howling with glee and that was 40 years ago!)

[Pooh]

Oh lol.  My son at 17, wrecked our big Dodge Ram truck.  He came in with a huge crushed in bumper and said he had thought he was in reverse and hit the gas, and actually was in drive and rammed into a light pole he was parked in front of at school.  Of course we were upset about the damage, but glad he wasn't hurt.

5 years later, I find out him and his brother had decided to take the truck rut-jumping thru the mountains with the rest of the guys and he hit a tree!

My dad just looks at me and says, "Did you seriously buy that 5 years ago?"

"Well yeah!"

Lol.

[cadagi101]

18 is the legal drinking age in Australia.   My son had his 18th birthday with a few friends and family.  Later in That evening I found he and his mate drinking beer.  3-4 each, I thought to myself that seemed a bit much but didn't say anything and I would never in a million years chastise his  older friend for "forcing it down his throat.!!If a girl had been involved and my son was alone with her, I would stay right out of it, only commenting if they were in my house which would be a definate no go area.   When my daughter was 18 and went to her first party my I purchased 5 different drinks that are popular with young people and she was allowed to take 3 of her choosing.  She bought 1 back said a friend took 1 and had 1 herself.  I believe her and would not be disappointed if she did experiment with other drinks.  She was with good company and supervised by responsible adults so that makes it a whole lot easier to relax.