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My only child (son) will not speak to me

Started by glenda sue, May 13, 2021, 05:51:12 PM

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glenda sue

May 13, 2021, 05:51:12 PM Last Edit: May 19, 2021, 03:48:17 AM by Stilllearning
Long story.  I married the wrong man 48 years ago.  He was abusive almost from the start but he always made me feel like it was my fault.  Six years later we had our only child.  He got worse and eventually I was forced to leave with my child (pulling guns).  So I left and filed for divorce.  I got custody of our son.  He literally drove me crazy for the next 8 years.  He taught our son cuss words and he would cuss me out from a very early age.  He taught him I was the scum of the earth.  He basically brain washed our son.  I tried EVERYTHING!!  We were in counseling.  We would have knock down dragouts over a glass of water.  It was horrible! For a couple of years he would have a friend of his come flatten my tires a couple of times a week.  I had to get up at 5am just to see if I needed to fix my tire.  I know it was him because it never happened to anyone else and when I moved it continued to happen.

Fast forward, at 9 years old I had to let my son go live with my ex-husband.  He was finally happy and left me alone.  My life was much better.  Although I suspected ex had not changed -- I had no choice but to let him go.

Fast forward, at 18 my son asked if he could come back and live with me, he was tired of dad.  I moved and turned my living arrangements upside down to accommodate him.  He lived with me for 6 years and it was our best 6 years ever.  He even told me one time that his dad had lied about me all his life and that he know saw I wasn't what he had been told.

So, he got married a few years later and everything was good for a few years.  Then they got pregnant and things started to change.  They spent all their holidays with her parents -- her mother wouldn't tolerate a Thanksgiving etc without them - and I went along with everything to keep peace.  About 10 years ago my son got really weird.  We'd be talking about something and all of a sudden he would go into this rant 'WE ARE TRUTH SEEKERS.  WE'D RATHER HEAR THE TRUTH.'  It was strange -- but because our eggshell relationship I'd say nothing.  We be talking about some simple subject and I wasn't lying.

Now, I had seen him display rage with on a few occasions with others -- but of course never expected him to treat me that way.  He was acting like his dad.

They had gotten distant.  Christmas Day I'd show up about noon for our Christmas and they were still in bed.  My birthday or Mother's Day he call me about 10 o'clock at night.  Although I did go over to their house often, I now realize they didn't want me there.  I was not any kind of priority.  I'm embarrassed to say I never called them on their behavior.  I just went along with it because I wanted to be in their lives.

10 years ago, my dad came to live with me and after about a year we needed to clean out his home because it was not safe just to leave as it.  So, I offered them some furniture and they went down to get it and I kept the two children.  I had planned to take the children to a birthday party while they were gone, but I got lost and never found the party.  So we went to eat and went back to their house.  Well, later in evening my 2 year old grandson who was potty training had a poop accident and cleaned him up.  I was going to put the training pants in washing machine but there was clothes it so I decided to call and ask them where they wanted to put them.  My son threw a total FIT!!  He demanded to know exactly how I cleaned him up and very ugly and rude.  Said some ugly stuff.  For god's sake, I'm not a child abuser - I cleaned up the mess.  He never believed me.  He knows I'm directionally challenged even with GPS.

Things got worse.  My brother was having some health issues and I let him move into my dad's house.  I did not ask my son.  It was not planned - it happened very suddenly.  Well, a few weeks later my mother and I went down to visit my brother. We had left a car at my son's house -- he wanted to know where we were going.  He drilled me like a drill sargent -- and because I didn't want to tell him, I did lie.  I admit it.  I told him we were going to visit relatives.  I told him we'd discuss it when I got back.  Well when I told him he went off on me and my mother.  Seriously ugly and disrepectful.  I left in tears and have never been back.  I assumed everything would work itself out, but it did not.  Over the next few months he would call and tell me the real problem.  He had been invading my privacy for years and I didn't know.  Stupid me.  He was on my checking account and watched my every move.  I like slot machines and he was very angry about that.  My dad lived with me for a while and then I had to put him in a nursing home.  He was more than I could handle.  My son demanded that I give him bank statements from my dad's bank accounts and account for every penny he had (he only had about $17,000 and we had to spend that down when he went into the nursing home). He said the most horrible things to me that you can imagine.  He accused me of lying, cheating, stealing -- said when he was a child I lied about his age at a restaurant buffet (really?).  He said that if I did not meet his demands I would not be allowed to see the children and that I'd never see them again. 

I refused to be bullied and told him no.  Because it was none of his business and I knew he'd be trying to control me for the rest of my life.  He even accused me of making my dad change his will.  I sent him wills so he could see what had happened and he never believed me.

So, it's now been 8 years-- starting the 9th year.  I'm still heart broken.  I reach out a couple of times a year and sometimes I get short response and sometimes nothing.  I have not seen the kids since they were 4 and 2 (they are not turning 13 and 11).  I have had no pictures in all these years -- and no pictures are very posted on FaceBook.  I'm blocked from anyone that might post a picture.

I don't think I'll ever get over this.  I just try and stay busy.


 

Stilllearning

Welcome G!   We are glad you found us.  Please check out the forum agreement under "Open Me First" on the home page to be sure we are a good fit for you.  We are a monitored site.

Wow!  What a horrible thing to have happen to you!  Staying busy is a great way to handle it.  I would just add one caveat to your conclusion.  You should try to stay busy doing fun things.   You did your best and now it is time for you to enjoy life.  I am not saying that you should "get over this", I am saying that you should stop thinking about it.  Deliberately force your mind to think of something else.  I used to plan camping trips and menus and make lists for the trips.  Whatever will make you stop thinking about your DS and your grands.  Your life will improve if you can take your mind off of your troubles and focus on your joys.  I try to live in an attitude of gratitude and all of us have something to be great-full for as long as we are on this side of the grass!

I hope that this will eventually work its way out but until then please find a way to enjoy your life.  Volunteer at a soup kitchen or a hospital.  Have some fun!  Hugs!!!

PS....I edited your post because we do not allow religion on the site.  Also you should probably change your name to something less identifiable and more anonymous.  Only the founder of the site uses her real name.  It makes us feel more free to share.  Hugs again!!
Your mind is a garden your thoughts are the seeds
You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
Author unknown

bjranch2002

My son and his first wife and the three grandchildren, we all had really good relationships
I even lived with them in VA,while he was in the Navy.
They divorced and he remarried. New DIL problem started the day of the wedding,  As with you the
Same thing happened not just to me, but his entire maternal family.
I was a single mom and his father was never involved. I was able to race him with he says and stuff with my parents one of my older sisters and her husband. So thankful for them being there during that time he turned out Great, excellent manners, never abusive never lost his temper.

First time I met her it was my birthday and you took me out to breakfast.
Unbeknownst to me she was tipsy, and kept telling me not to worry about my birthday at least I'm not 54. With my son constantly kicking her under the table, because LOL, I was 54, and no time did she say she was sorry or
Or even acknowledged for rudeness to me.
Then my Son asked me to co-sign on her ring which I did, also  I thought I was partially financing the wedding of her dreams,including the $1600 dress, both rings etc. My present to them was the honeymoon bridal suite at a Chatteau, as she requested

When they got into financial problems when he couldn't keep up with the $1600 child support,  which is a felon or Mortgage etc.

I volunteered to finance, them getting custody if they wanted, free and clear no repayment.


It turned out that the mother's live in boyfriend was on probation for strike 3 and endangering the welfare of a child involving alcohol and firearms

My  Grandkids were 6, 4 and 2. Now 18,16 & 14., just like you no happy calls, no pictures, no Thanksgiving no Christmases,
I tried Christmas once, I was waiting for them  in the doorway Santa hat, 2 bags etc.
They did a u-turn and drove off.

For the last 11 years I've continuously trying to reconcile and did  all the kids birthdays and Christmases with cards and money.(she had a son age 6 also)
Surprise DIL sent this text:
"You are not welcome in our home because of your actions and nobody else. You aren't invited or included in the kids' lives for those same reasons. It's not okay for you to wait outside our house or show up uninvited to our kids' private games. (they were public games my son told times and dates )
It's best to keep you out of our lives."
my son was unaware that she sent this text to me. He spoke with her about it and the stonewalling started and it ended up in the last 3 years that I wasn't even allowed to go to the bathroom in their house. Very strange indeed.
When the first grandchild was born within 3 months (2003) my mother had signed over the family home free and clear to my son and his newborn baby girl.
My granddaughter decided to move out at 17, he was furious. I tried to remind him he did the same thing. He would not speak to her from April to December 2020.
He literally forced her into signing the house 100% over to him. By refusing to speak to her till she did. My Mom's intentions was to keep the house in the family to maybe help him not have to pay him mortgage or someone else further down in the generations. All he wants to do is get out from under it and sell it. He could have given it to his daughter free and clear.

I was furious and my response was:
"💡How can 2 people that shunned their entire family,  never attended any holiday or family activities, for over 10 years. Can have any rights to the family property."
Wish he would be the son I raised and not this hateful imposter."
The research is completely accurate and estrangement causes:
chronic stress depletes your physical and mental resources, grinding you down on a day-to-day basis.
The effects of chronic stress are very serious; it lowers your resistance to other life problems, worsens your daily mood, and impairs your health.
For 11 years I've tried and good faith. For reconciliation.
Now I find myself in the twilight of my Life, and it has all been  "Wasted time"