my 32 y/o son shows nothing but hate and disrespect

[jhinely]

this is my first entry in any internet forum, and i hope i won't be sorry. i don't feel comfortable talking about this problem with anyone other than my husband and daughter, and they clearly don't understand the devastation i'm feeling. i also know they're tired and worn down from it. i have three children. my oldest son is 33 yrs old and my youngest is a daughter, 30yrs old now. the son i'm having trouble with, i'll call him jeff, is 32 yrs old, married to a wonderful professional women with two precious little boys, 9 and 4 yrs old.  i've been through alot with him over the years.  i've always done my best to help him and always had his best interest at heart. i truly did sacrifice, being a single mother working full time. i met my present husband when jeff was 14 yrs old and we married two years later. jeff never had a lot of respect for authority and once we were married, suddenly he didn't like ed anymore. i feel ed did his best by jeff though. looking back i realize doing this to my kids and eds was stupid and selfish. but i thought ed could provide structure and be a good male role model. those years were very hard on all of us, but of course it's always hardest on the children. my oldest left and lived with his father then went to the service after finishing h.s. jeff and eds son had to be "thrown out" when they were 18 yrs old to force them to do something productive with their lives. neither of them had respect for the rules we established. jeff dropped out of school and still hasn't been back. jeff still resent me for forcing him to leave home but he gave us no choice. it was a tough love situation. it turned out to be a good thing since he managed to meet his wife and she is a dream come true.
starting about 3-4 yrs ago he started coming by my house when he knew i was alone and within minutes of arriving starts to  insult me. saying horrible mean things, your worthless, bad mother, complaints and knit-picking about how i babysit the grandchildren, ect... on and on... working himself into states of beligerence. the only way i could think of to get out of these situations was to leave my own home and not come back until he was gone. well this went on, (approx. a couple times a month) for a few years. the very worst and most hurtful thing he ever said to me, (and he said this on two separate occasions, very calmly and coldly, without any outward anger or emotion)  was that he and his wife had had a discussion where they talked about how sad it was that his wife's mother died (she died of cancer 10 years ago) and i was still alive. according to jeff, they both agreed  it would have been better if i had died instead, since his wife's mother would have made a much better grandmother to the little boys. i didn't know how to react to that and  i was devastated and confused by it. many times he had my youngest grandson along when he displayed his rediculous out of control rants. the last straw came last january when he asked for a loan from me to buy supplies for a painting job he acquired. he is a house painter by trade and every winter he has a difficult time finding work to make it through the winter, so i was thrilled when he was able to get the job and provide for his family. i happily loaned him the money, knowing he probably wouldn't pay it back.  that wasn't important to me. i was happy when he and his wife were less stressed and  could pay their bills during the tough winter months. i also loaned him a trailer even though i knew and he knew it wasn't in my best interest to do so. this all happened within a weeks time and he hadn't returned the trailer yet before  i needed a ride home from work one night and the only person i could reach to pick me up was jeff. he came and within minutes of getting in the truck he starts in on me with his vicious remarks and put-downs. all of which i had heard many times before. he becomes belligerence as always and pretty soon the truck comes to a screeching halt and he orders me out 17 blocks from home. this is a cold winter evening at 5:30 and it's dark already and bitter cold. i hadn't planned on walking, so i wasn't dressed very warm. i cried off and on for a solid week. i felt like a loved one had died. we haven't talked since january when that incident happened until last night. jeff and his family sold the home close by my house and are moving to the country outside of town. i had call jeffs wife to find out where the house was. well, she said she didn't have the house number and gave me vague directions and said jeff would know when he got home. well jeff got home and called me and told me he only wanted a small group of close people knowing where they are moving to and i wasn't one of those people. this long saga goes on and on... so i'm sorry. i've really tried to keep this short and condensed. i hope i didn't go on too long.  thanks for being here for me. it was a relief to find this network.             

[Nana]

You did not make a mistake coming to this forum.  This site is really a dream como true, where you can vent all your worries and are adviced by many wise women in this forum.  I am truly sorry for what is happening to you.  This is not an ocassional problem, you will get to read a lot of posts that are very similar to yours.     I understand  your sorrow and assure you that this problem is not about you, it is about your son that have issues to resolve.  I do not agree that he treats you so rudely but have the guts to ask you for loans, trailer, etc.   

I have to go but I will be back to give you my thoughts.  You will soon get a lot of advice of many here.  I send you a hug....which you so much need.

May God Bless You

[jhinely]

dear nana,  thank-you for your support. it means more to me than you will ever know.

[Nana]

Dear Jhinely:

Of course you have my support and prayers.  Yes, sometimes we cannot vent with our own family because they get worn out. 

This is what I think...Your son is very angry with you for making him leave your house.   You did what you had to.  Our children have to learn to obey rules and it was in his best interest.  Normally, when they get older they understand is was the only option you had, but he hasnt come to accept it.   He has learn through the years that Mom can take this and more..... this have gone way too far.  It is his choice to be rude and now to distanced himself from you.  But you also have the right to decide what you can take.  Enough is enough dear Jhinely.  You should move on with your life and enjoy what you do have, ed and your daughter.    If I were you I would stop calling him.  He doesnt stop because it has always worked for him.  He knows you will be there for him....but No,  let him feel that you have moved on....and probably will appreciate and value the good mother that you are.  And he doesnt.....too bad for him.....   In life, with have so very few people that will support us all the way -- financially and emotionally ---  and Jeff is pushing you away so the lose is his.

Sometimes it is tougher when we dont make up our minds on what we want to do about a problem, that we become sad, depressed, anxious and you name it, but once we make a decision even if tears our heart, we start feeling better.    We should never let anyone put us down in a way that we lose our dignity and self-esteem.     

You have been more than tolerable. I dont know what I would have done if my son (33 years old) or my daughters would tell me that I should have died instead of his mil.   Our childeren can be really mean... (I would say rather cruel)   Wow!  I am really mad.    It doesnt sound to me that he is very happy in his marriage and family because when we are happy we are not so bitter.

So my dear....run from him instead of waiting for him to strike again.  He will not change unless he learns his lesson. 


You will be getting tomorrow other points of view....and you will feel better with great advices and  support from other moms who are experiencing the same situati9on.

Love and Hugs!

[Pooh]

Welcome Jhinely and I am so sorry you are going through this.  There is nothing worse than when our own children turn into people we don't even recognize anymore.  Nana gave very good advice.  It is time for you to realize that you don't have to take his abuse.  And that is what it is.

I always say, just because we love them, it does not give them the right to abuse that love.  Although painful, you need to cut your ties with him right now until he learns that he can not treat you that way. 

[luise.volta]

Welcome...and what has been offered to you so far is the backbone of this Web-forum...distance and self-care. Recovery from abuse...healing. Then we wait for them to see where their choices have taken them and what it has cost everyone involved. Some actually do get it and return to our lives older and wiser. Some don't.  Sending love...

[irenic]

There is nothing worse than when our own children turn into people we don't even recognize anymore.....that sums it up I believe, we are often just paralized that our children do the things they do.  I am still at a loss, the pain is enormous, but this web site does help, I look around at  mothers and daughters having fun and I weep with tears.  I am trying as I think we are all doing to find a way through all the pain.  It is a slow chipping away at the pain for me.  When I hit a road block, I try another path, right now that path is very sticky and filled with thorns. but I am trying, as you can see we are all here for you.