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Daughter spends more time with husbands family

Started by Daphne, December 21, 2020, 10:36:57 AM

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I just became a grandma in November. As I traveled to see my daughter and new grandson, the other grandmother went too. Sure enough I spent more time with the dog then I did with my grandson. She hogged him the entire time.
I was only able to stay 6 days which is long enough but she stayed 12 days. My SIL'S mother is very controlling and demanding of her son. He is a momma's boy.
It all began when my daughter got engaged. She is in the Military so she lives out of state. I was heartbroken when MIL ( while down visiting) went with her to pick out the wedding gown as they snap chatted me. It wasn't the same and I was hurt. Shopping for a wedding gown is a sacred event shared with mom and daughter. I have thought of this day ever since she was a little girl. This woman stole that from me.
She took over the bridal shower, wedding, baby shower. She of course wanted my money for the bridal shower but I didn't get to plan anything.
I am so hurt and jealous. I feel she has taken my first born daughter. I am a single mom and still have a 14 year old daughter at home.
They just arrived here yesterday for Christmas and I haven't seen them yet. They are staying with his parents as they always do. The house is bigger, closer to Florida then my home or her dads. We get scraps and even when I told her this baby is a (my maiden name) too and I feared he wouldn't know me, she just thought I was being ridiculous.
They are here seven days and I will see them Christmas Eve for a few hours and maybe one other day but I'll have to drive to her which is an hour drive. She cant go anywhere per the Military's strict rules because of covid.
I really don't want to sit in the MIL'S house.
I just don't know how to deal with this. My youngest feels pushed aside as well. She has cried and cried over her sister never calling or texting.
It hurts so bad that MIL is getting all this baby time while I sit at home. I feel like the only reason they are coming Christmas Eve is to collect their gifts.


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I can feel your disappointment from here. Many years ago, I went through something similar. What I learned the hard way was that my expectations were mine and belonged to me. My son was young when he married and immediately brought many lessons his way. Some he addressed unsuccessfully and some he ignored. The consequences were long-standing. 

I was in his corner and simply couldn't believe I didn't belong there. I had always been there!

What I eventually learned was that all of it was what he had chosen without being aware of it. And all of it was what it meant to be in the strange land of adulthood...too soon. The hardest part, for me, was it was none of my business. I'd done my best to raise him and my job was done. My happily ever after expectations of what it meant to be a mother-in-law and grandparent were exclusively mine. No one was responsible to fulfill them.

We give motherhood our best shot and most of us don't seem to be programmed to let go. We see others seemingly having what we wanted and feel cheated. When I got that it was my turn to move beyond my biological role, I eventually found other interests and healed but it took a long time. 

Wishing you the best as you work your way through the worst.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

forever spring

Hello I haven't been here in a while but the first post I read reflected my experience during the past 10 years when I tried to fall over backwards to adhere to the picture of a loving grandmother I had fashioned for myself. I must have made life difficult not only for myself but for the family as well because I was constantly disappointed.

I had to go through all you say Louise. I can safely say that I got out to the other end and I am a lot happier now because I allow myself to be kinder to myself because I have thrown all expectations over board.
I realised that, as you say, nobody is responsible for the fulfilment of my expectations and that whatever happens in my son's life is none of my business. It took me the best part of ten years and many painful moments but I get it now. Do I wish I had got it earlier? Not sure because the whole process belongs to my personal development. 

I wish you well, Daphne. There is a world out there beyond being a grandmother. And who knows the ability to explore new ventures may make you interesting to your grandson when he is older.
Thinking of you.


Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama