December 03, 2020, 11:25:45 am

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I think there's marital issues between son & dil - need advice

Started by PatiencePlease, September 29, 2020, 02:33:10 pm

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PatiencePlease

My son and his family live far away.  I do stay in touch with them but not on a weekly or even monthly basis sometimes.  My son has said they are going through stressful times with his work, with the kids and with his MIL living with them - she has plans to move out because she's butting heads with her daughter, my DIL.

I have a strong feeling my son and his wife are having marital issues based on my DILs recent activities on FB.  Her latest post was an image stating "One day this pain will make sense to you."  I recognize I could be overreacting ... but I just have this gut feeling things are not good.

(A) Do you think it would be okay for me to reach out to her with a text and say "Hey.  I saw your post on FB.  Just want you to know I love you."

(B) Do you think it would be okay for me to reach out to my son with a text and say "Hey.  I see on FB DIL is going through a tough time.  Hope all is well.  Did you want to talk about it?"

Or should I stay out of it altogether and just pray mightily.  Your wise words are appreciated.

Stilllearning

Personally I think it is a good time to reach out to them both.  We are, after all, living through a very stressful time because of the pandemic and talking to or communicating with loved ones is usually welcome.  I would not mention the facebook post to either one of them.  If I had posted something like that and my Mom called me and mentioned it I would feel embarrassed.  Save them the uncomfortable feelings and just call and talk about the things happening in your life and ask how they are handling things.  If they want to confide in you they will.

Hopefully you will hear from others.  What do y'all think?

Hugs!!
Your mind is a garden your thoughts are the seeds
You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
Author unknown

PatiencePlease

Thank you so much for sharing your advice Stilllearning! I reached out to both of them this week via text to think about planning a visit either here or there during the school fall school break. DIL reacted with a heart emoji. My son didn't respond 🙄. 

I will not mention the FB post when I communicate going further. I certainly don't want to embarrass anyone. Thank you for sharing your perspective on that.

Praying while I wait to see how this unfolds.

Stilllearning

Your mind is a garden your thoughts are the seeds
You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
Author unknown

PatiencePlease

Called my son today about a visit. Said he's been working lots of overtime, including this weekend. Said he would talk to his wife about us visiting. (We stay in a hotel, by the way.)

Anyhow... he texted later that it's not a good time.  Things are too hectic.  But the grandkids miss us a lot and he would set up a FaceTime next weekend. I told him please do - it's the only connection we have with them.

Not much else I can do. He's choosing not to share - my gut says something else is going on. I won't pry - I'll just keep praying.

Thank you StillLearning for your thoughts & support.

Stilllearning

I am so glad that you are in touch with your DS/DIL!  Most people are facing challenges at work right now if they still have a job. The stresses on families are tremendous and most of us have learned not to confide our problems with many people because the next time we see them the first thing they want to talk about is the last thing we want to focus on.  Our best present to our children is allowing them the privacy to work out their own problems their own way.  To them it reaffirms their adulthood and complements their judgement when we step back and stay quiet. If they need our help they will ask.  To us though it is a really hard thing to do.  We so want to make their lives easier by sharing our hard earned lessons.  It is a challenge to turn over the teacher's role to life but that is what we, as parents, must do.

I am happy that your DS has offered to set up a facetime visit for you with your grands.  So many of us have to be satisfied with these less than optimal forms of getting together.  My grands were here yesterday as their last visit before in person school starts (today).  I am going to miss them horribly but I would rather miss them for a year than possibly die and have them miss me forever.  I never thought I would have to make choices like this.  What a sad time to live through.

Hugs!!
Your mind is a garden your thoughts are the seeds
You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
Author unknown

PatiencePlease

Thank you so much for your thought filled words. Every time I find myself worrying, I'm coming back here to reread your post.

Yes, these are unsettling times for so many reasons. I'm happy you were able to spend time with your grandchildren. Cherish every memory.
We are fortunate that there is technology available to us for virtual visits when we can't be together. 

Thank you again for your wise words.