November 26, 2020, 08:50:54 pm

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Abusive daughter rewriting history

Started by lostatsea, September 24, 2020, 10:12:01 am

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lostatsea

Im just off the phone to my adult daughter who has spent the last hour telling me she does not love me and wants me out of her life and swore at me several times, she was drunk. This has been relatively recent as she has started attending therapy and says that she can't believe what a terrible mother I am/was. At 21 she left to live abroad and has made some bad choices. Her father and I split up when she was 14 and it was not a good split. I met someone else  and married and she likes him. However his family and her don't get on as she is wayward. Now they have kids and thats a big part of our life and she feels left out. I know she is using this cutting off  as a backlash to me, as tha is her only outlet as I am supposed to not care about them, and only her but she is an adult. Its just jealousy, but I have tried to give her a lot of attention and that is not working at all. 

I have tried daily to talk to her but she has now told me she wants nothing to do with her father or me or her extended family. She has an other sibling who she talks to but not very often either. She wants to cut me out. Im devastated and hurt by her comments, im in tears daily.  I don't know where to go with this. She laughed when I started crying. I keep asking to visit or her to come home , but nothing pleases her.

I would like to hear from you all.

Stilllearning

Welcome L!  We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under Open Me First to read the posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit for you. We are a monitored Website.

Sorry but computer problems had me out of touch for a while.  I certainly remember being where you are!  The decision to turn my attentions to other things was less of a decision and more of a desperate act.  The harder I tried to "fix" things the worse things got.  I was totally miserable and so was everyone around me.  I had turned into the person nobody wanted to sit next to.  I couldn't talk about anything else and talking about my situation brought no relief, no comfort and no solution. 

It was the wonderful women on here that told me that I deserved better.  I really hadn't considered that I could have a life even if my DS was not in it.  It was beyond my comprehension that I could be happy if I didn't hear from him.  Then one day I realized that when I did not contact him, I had a better day.  I stopped calling him.  I stopped texting him.  I stopped chasing after him trying to fix things.  Life improved.

Over time relations have gotten much better between my DS and myself but when I stopped contacting him I had no idea how things would end up.  I really had to give him up to get him back.  I look at it like this (now).  It was like I was always knocking on his door, always, always.  Occasionally he would open that door and I would say something about how I hadn't heard from him or seen him in days/weeks.  He would get disgusted and close the door.  I would return to knocking, knocking, knocking.  Eventually he would gird himself for another confrontation and open the door and I would again say something about how I hadn't seen/heard from him in days/ weeks.  No wonder he didn't want to open the door!  So when I stopped knocking he didn't notice for a while but eventually (months later) he opened the door and found me out enjoying life.  I had fun things to talk to him about.  I didn't even bring up how long it had been because I was too busy telling him about my camping and canoeing trips.  It was a real difference!

I know you read my post that has my mantras on it:
https://www.wisewomenunite.com/index.php/topic,7915.0/topicseen.html

I won't go through the work of rewriting those :) !

I do want to say that if you decide to pull away like I did you should be aware that once you climb out of "the abyss" it is really easy to get sucked back in.  It will happen almost before you know it.  I would start thinking about something and it would lead to my DS and down the rabbit hole I would go.  For me the only way to stay out of "the abyss" was to use my mantras.  I still pull them out and use them when needed.  I just found out that my DIL thinks she is a man.  WOW!  Talk about "not my circus, not my monkeys"!!

Anyway your DD has her own lessons to learn now.  You did your best raising her but your job is done.  It is up to her from here.  Take your life back.  Have some fun.  You deserve to enjoy your life.

Sooooo many hugs!!
Your mind is a garden your thoughts are the seeds
You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
Author unknown

lostatsea

Thank you SL. Im glad I found this website , it is comforting , yet disturbing to see there are so many people affected.I am convinced that this therapy has made DD think that her life has been wasted due to me. I know that is not the case and I tried to remind her of actual events where I encouraged education, better prospects, different choices but that was not acknowledged. Her bad choices have become my problem and no way to argue what has been said to a therapist. Her reality surrounds her, but personal responsibility must come into play. At 38 its time.
The bitter words, and drunken rages have had me in tears, in a hyper vigilant state to watch out daily for triggers that I might make this happen. To the point where I am apologizing for any fault that I might have contributed to her stet of mind. Even that was not accepted.

Im not saying it was easy through a divorce but I have had a number of years where it has been fine, then therapy seemed to cause these reactions.....Is it just a case if you pay money someone will agree with yo? im no expert but I can't see the good its doing.


It is with a heavy heart that I must leave it be. I really hope this is not long term, but I am bracing myself for that.

Stilllearning

L, I am so sorry that this happened to you!  If I have one piece of advice it would be to never go the the therapist with her!  I went with my DIL and the two of them spent the entire time making excuses for her and blaming me for things.  It was awful!  It was the straw that broke the camel's back.  When I walked out of the therapists office I swore I wouldn't call my DS again.  At least my reaction to the visit was absolute rage instead of feeling hurt.  Oh the crocodile tears my DIL wept that day.  I was completely and utterly done.  Come to think of it I might really owe that therapist a favor.  Without her I might still be trying to placate my DIL.  Not any more.  She can get over what I say or not.  It is all up to her.

Letting it rest sounds like a good idea.  It may take a while for your DD to realize that you are not calling her but eventually she will.  I hope she will continue to get the help she needs.  Often therapy starts out with the patient complaining about their parents or their siblings.  The patient has to work through the full gambit of their emotional baggage before he/she realizes that although they remember an incident in a certain way their memories are from a child's point of view.  When your DD is ready I think she will get back in touch with you and you will have an opportunity to get to know the adult your DD has become.  In the meantime it is your job to enjoy life.  You deserve to have fun! 

Hugs!!!!
Your mind is a garden your thoughts are the seeds
You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
Author unknown

lostatsea

Hi, thank you for you again for your reassuring words. It has not taken a week and I have received more abusive texts , threatening more distance from DD. So to me , it seems she just wants revenge, a finality , but then not really - maybe just wants to inflict more pain. I honestly feel that if she gets no response DD will elevate this to others to make sure they all know how awful I am. How do you deal with that? I have a responsible job and need to turn up every day. Her sibling has now decided not to correspond with her, which of course is my doing, she thinks. 
How did I raise this child, can this behavior really be my doing? I feel if I correspond she will take that as an admission of guilt and a channel to inflict more pain. Not responding is hell.Its affecting my whole life, but then again that is DDs aim.
I will not enter into therapy with DD, as it would destroy me. Im so sorry that you had that experience to go through, I don't envy anyone in that position.
Over the years several people have said to me that DDs behaviour is unacceptable, but DD also can be the sweetest person to others, so makes it doubly hard to accept that all this is turned on me and so late in life.

Ther eis no magic wand though, I will have to get through this

Stilllearning

I know how getting those messages must hurt!!  Are they coming in on your phone?  If they are you can turn off the notification so that you won't know she sent something until you feel like checking.  I had to set my Facebook setting so that I did not know when my DIL posted.  It just hurt too much.  Now I go in and check her page when I feel up to it.  It made a world of difference when I stopped getting blindsided by her posts.

Hang in there!  The fact that she is still texting is actually a good sign.  She wants to inflict pain on you because she knows that you will always love her so she can spew her anger at you and not lose you in the process.  Not reacting is the best way to go.  Defending yourself will only make things worse.  Sometimes silence speaks louder than words.  I still have hope that she will come around.  Just give her time.

Hugs!
Your mind is a garden your thoughts are the seeds
You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
Author unknown