Don't know what to do

[losingmyson]

I just found this site so I am new here.  My husband and I have a wonderful son who is starting to lose himself and he is pulling away from us and the rest of our family, and I hate to say this but I think it may be because of his girlfriend.  Our family is  close.  Friends and family mean everything.  She is not close with her family.  She is all about status and possessions and who you know and where you live and what you wear.  She is right out of Sex and the City (which I love by the way but not if you have to live with it) with her own little pocketbook dog.   Very egocentric and shallow.  She does have a sweet side and she is not a bad person and I know she loves our son and he loves her but he is losing sight of what is important in life.  My husband says it is just a phase and it will pass but I am realizing more each day that it is not going to pass.

I am upset because we had a huge fight and he said that he thought I thought he and his girlfriend were snobs and that if I thought that, I was right, and they were proud of it. 

I love him but I don't like him very much anymore.  I just don't know what to do.

[luise.volta]

Oh, that is so hard. So many of us know exactly what you are going through, unfortunately. It's his choice. He is entering adulthood and is establishing values and boundaries and and what you think is very low on his list.

We raise our kids and we have expectations about their choices. However, it's his life and he is going to listen to his own drummer. Best to back off, since you can't change either of them. This is the best place I know of to learn how to let go and get support doing it. Sending love...

[DDM]

Hi, I'm glad you found this site too. I can tell from your words how hurt you are. I am so sorry. We raise our children to value things that are important but honestly when they become adults they ultimately get to write their own 'list'. For now you might have to just let him experience life his own way and hope that the core beliefs you taught him will eventually lead him back.

"She does have a sweet side and she is not a bad person and I know she loves our son and he loves her but he is losing sight of what is important in life."

It sounds like there is a good deal of positive in your statement above. Don't lose sight of that. It can be frustrating and painful. I know! This is a great place to let it out. We are here to support each other.

I am curious - how old is your son?

[stilltryen]

Ick, my son started seeing a gal that my husband and I didn't approve of.  We flat out told him, "We don't like XXXXX.  This is why." and proceeded to explain what the issues were and why we felt the way we did.  Then we added, "However, we're not you.  If you truly love this woman and think this is the person you want as your life partner, then we will accept her.  We will learn to love her as you do because we love you and if you choose to bring her into the family, then she will be one of us and nothing, but nothing, will break the bond that you make with her - and, by extension, us."  (We said that knowing full well how stinking hard that was going to be.)  Ugh, ugh and ugh.  So life went on.  We only really saw them together at holidays, otherwise he'd stop by once in a while on his own.  We kept an open dialogue, I always asked how she was doing, if there was anything they needed us to help them with, etc.  and we were always very kind when she came over.  We bought her gifts for her birthday and Christmas, etc.

Then his car broke down.  He was going to college and working full time, paying the rent and really trying to handle everything on his own.  His car was old, but paid for, and he didn't know how he was going to handle adding car payments to the mix.  We've never spoiled our children, but under the circumstances, we decided to buy him another car.  It was a used car, but it was newer and it was going to work for him.  Oddly, his girlfriend had a huge fit over that car, she was livid and accused him of being spoiled, etc., etc.  (That was the first time we'd ever done that for him, he got college loans, etc.)  That was the beginning of the end.  I think it well and truly opened his eyes.  A few months later, they had a huge fight and the relationship was over.  YAY!!!!!!

[losingmyson]

Thank you so much everyone for your support and wonderful advice.   My son is 31 and a huge part of the problem is that he was engaged to be married and 8 weeks before the wedding, four years ago, she died, suddenly.  She was part of our family and we loved her so very much.  I don't have to say what it did to all of us, particularly him. 

The girl he is with now has actually brought him back from the dead in some ways.  She is so different from the first one.  Total opposite ends of the spectrum.  However, she is a positive person and looks to the future, never back.  In fact, they have never really discussed what happened.  I believe they had one conversation and that was the end of it; she just believes in moving forward.   As I said she is so different from us but I believe deep down a good person.  My son is a good person and he loves her, so she must be.  Also, since her, my son is no longer depressed and actually seems happy. 

I am going to work hard to take all of your advice.  Maybe this is all part of his healing process.  Also, I just realized that perhaps it is not easy for her to find her place with us.  Wow, you all made me really start to think. You are wise women!  Thank you.