June 05, 2020, 05:21:10 pm

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Adult daughter living at home

Started by gshipit, January 15, 2020, 10:14:15 am

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gshipit

My 35 year old daughter had a nervous breakdown last Spring and we encouraged her to come home.  She was not able to function.  She moved in, sold her condo. in another State and started counseling.  She and her counselor agreed about a month ago that further counseling wasn't needed.  We are looking for the right time to bring up the topic of her determining next steps and a path forward to independence.  The problem is that she is extremely quiet.  Other than meals she is in her room.  She says she is fine and doing well even. My husband and I are ready for her to move on both for her sake and ours since it's hurtful for us that she doesn't want to be around us.  Also, she is very isolated except for going to church and helping to watch our granddaughter so moving forward would seem healthy.  Any suggestions on how we can broach the subject in a way that doesn't encourage defensiveness on her part?  She is an extremely sensitive person and prone to take things the wrong way.  She has been rude to both of us on occasion which we believe to be unacceptable especially considering all that we've done and sacrificed which I won't go into here.   Comments would be very much appreciated!

luise.volta

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I have not had a similar situation but I have a close friend who has gone through something very similar. What she told me, that I will share with you, is that while her adult son was doing as he pleased, she was tiptoeing around him and so was her husband as the quality of the lives and marriage disintegrated. Their son also acted rude and antisocial...and they were afraid to upset him. What they did was to find their own counselor and that worked in their case. They then chose to advise their son that their generosity was no longer available, that they had acted on his behalf in a crisis and since he had been discharged by his counselor, he had 30 days to make other arrangements. He refused, perhaps enjoying the power he had over them and the freedom that went with it. I have no idea. They continued counseling and decided that they were not powerless and, at the same time, did not want to take legal action. So they put their house up for sale, moved, and wished their son well. The last I heard, they were doing well and were happy again. Their son has gone his own way...not their choice but his...and they have accepted that.

I don't know what I would do if confronted with your issue. I hope I would gather up my self-respect like my friend did and move on. Yes, it was pretty drastic but they felt they had done their best and that they deserved to get their lives back, while at the same time, their son needed to learn and grow as a responsible adult. Wishing you well.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Stilllearning

Hi G!  We are glad you found us!  Like Luise my problem doesn't exactly mesh with yours but your situation reminds me of a problem my sister had with her daughter.  Her problem was that her daughter wanted to sleep with her mother every night.  Naturally this put a tremendous strain on my sister's married life but my sister was too soft hearted to put her foot down.  She finally worked out a solution.  She figured that she was making her daughter too comfortable in her bed so she stopped making allowances for her.  She actually deliberately elbowed her or stuck her knee into her back to make sleeping uncomfortable for her.  A few nights later my wonderful niece decided that she would stay in her own bed.  So my question to you is, what are you doing to make your daughter's life more comfortable?  What can you eliminate from your list of job duties to promote more independence in your daughter?  Do you do her laundry?  Cook her meals?  Pay her cell phone bill? Provide her with a car or insurance?  If her counselor has released her you should too.  Do not look on this as punitive, it is life pure and simple.  The more she does on her own the better she will feel about herself.

You deserve to enjoy the life you and your DH have built for yourselves.  I too know of a set of parents who moved out from around their daughter and sold the house.  It was a terrible decision and a long time coming.  Maybe just making your DD's life less cozy will do the trick.  I hope for your sake that it works!  Hugs!!
Your mind is a garden your thoughts are the seeds
You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
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