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Visited my Son and his GF over Christmas (600 mile drive) and she threw me out

Started by J Peters, December 29, 2019, 07:11:21 PM

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J Peters

I have never in my entire life been talked to the way she did.   All was over my wanting to spend time alone - even a coffee with my son.  He moved in with this woman 14 years older then him with 4 kids (one almost my son's age) - moved in 16 months ago, after dating for a week or two.  I have not spent a moment alone with him since.  Well except finally for a coffee for 45 minutes on Friday morning. 

I moved far away 18 months ago.  They have visited me here twice, once with her kids. I treated them like royalty.  I have always stayed at a hotel when visiting.  This time I thought they stayed with my, why not stay with them and see my son more.  I told him I was coming all that way because I missed him and only him.  I should not have gone, I think it was clear they did not want me, I ignored the signs.

I was to arrive Monday, drove down Sunday, but just an hour north of the city my plans for the night sunday and Monday got cancelled.  I called my son if I could come early, he asked his girlfriend and they said no.  I got a hotel last minute.  I stayed with them a total of three nights.  I was given one meal.  Christmas.  That was all.  That was boxing day.  I had christmas dinner at my sisters, and everything was closed for Christmas, so I missed 3 meals and it was 30 hours that I had nothing but yogurt that I found in their fridge.  I said nothing till Christmas day.  To my son, he apologized and told me he was sorry and we would spend time together Friday.   Seems he told "her" and he could now not spend time with me.   In the end I got 45 minutes.  I told him I would not stay there again, he said he understood it was fine..... Friday night I could not stay there another night.   I could list all the things (her family and commitments) that kept him from spending time with me, my last night there I tried to call him to tell him I went to Costco ( I don't have one where I live) he did not answer.  At 9:15 he calls to see where I am, I say I will be there in 10 minutes, they went to bed.  Did not wait to see me my last night I was leaving in the morning.   They also did not get me a parking exemption. I texted him and said I am going to a hotel.   I wanted to from the beginning, I had enough hurt and could just feel his girlfriends dislike of me.  Well she came downstairs, called me all kinds of horrible things and told me to get out of her house.  My son did nothing,, I was leaving anyway,, but well,,,, When I told her how uncomfortable I was the whole time and how she made me feel she said sorry if I am an open book.   I am sorry this is so long.  I found this and I need advice how to get past this,, obviously I am not talking to my son, he is controlled and brainwashed by her, and my wanting to spend time with him and being hurt that everyone from her family that lives around the corner came first was asking too much.  I need to get over this, know he is lost to me and get on with my life.  Help!


Welcome J!  If your screen name is close to your real name please change it to something less identifiable.  Only Luise and Kirk are allowed to use their real names since they started the site and maintain it.  Also we ask all new members to check out the posts in the "Open  me First"  area and pay special attention to the forum agreement to be sure we are a good fit for you.  We are a monitored website.

I really wish I had time to address your situation right now but I am on my way to work and cannot be late.  I will leave this tab open and try to reply later.  For now please know that I feel for you.  I know what it is like to loose your son.  The heartache is almost unbearable.  You deserve better.  More later!  Hugs!
Your mind is a garden your thoughts are the seeds
You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
Author unknown


Welcome, J. I edited your post because you used an abbreviation of a word that is not in compliance with our Forum Agreement. 

I am so sorry you have been struggling. I know what it is like be shut out by a daughter in law. Like you, I tried everything and had very similar results. For me, the lesson was that my son was an adult and had made a choice that worked for him (although I couldn't fathom why) and didn't work for me. I didn't stop loving him but for my own sanity, I stopped trying to fix it or even be heard. Slowly, I have to admit, I turned toward what brings me joy and have focused on the support available elsewhere in my life and the interests that bring me peace. My job was to raise my son to the best of my ability. I did that and have let go of any lingering expectations. Whew! Hugs to you...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


Happy New Year to you J! Sorry it took me so long to get back to you but it was New Years Eve, right? I remember when my DS picked his wife how totally horrified I was.  There were so many things wrong with the match in my many!  I could not keep my big mouth shut.  No I didn't tell him not to do it but I did ask him to wait, just wait a few months, get your feet under you before you jump into such a permanent obligation.  Her response to this request was to move the wedding up.  Well I learned my lesson. 

I suffered through the wedding and the rehearsal dinner.  It was one of the hardest things I have ever done, trying to smile while my heart was breaking.  Then came the children.  That is when you know your DS is truly stuck in the relationship.  Things were very bad for me for years.  I cried a lot and talked to everyone about how unfair the entire situation was, and it is totally wrong.  I raised a wonderful caring human who married a woman who has done nothing but hinder his chances for advancement both socially and economically.  It hurts my soul when I think about it.  Anyway talking about it all the time did only one thing.  It made people want to avoid me.  The situation was taking all the joy out of my life, ruining my relationships with my family, friends, even my DH.  I turned into a real party pooper.  And then I found this website and it changed my life.

It was here that I found women who knew what I was feeling and really empathized.  Through reading the posts here I found hope that I could once again enjoy my life.  I had to decide to let my DS learn his own lessons in life, his own way, even if I knew it was the hard way.  I stopped calling him, texting him, trying to fix things.  I just stopped.  It took him a few months to realize that I was no longer standing there waiting for him to return, so what did I do during those months?  I learned to think about something else.  I started putting myself first (something that is very hard for good mothers to do).  I spent time planning things for myself and my DH to enjoy.  When anyone asked me about my DS I would say "No news is good news" or "Not my circus, not my monkeys" and move to more pleasant topics.  The change in my life was huge.  I am really having a good time now.  My DH came up to me the other day and said he was the happiest he has been in years and I have to admit that I am too.

So my advice to you deserve to be happy and you can be.  You can borrow my three mantras (some are repeats but I repeated them daily for years and still do)

1) No news is good news
2) Not my circus, not my monkeys
3) What you focus on expands

The third one is really important!  Once I started focusing my thoughts on making myself happy, my happiness expanded.  It may sound selfish but I helped not only myself but also my DH and my other DS and my relatives and my friends.  We are all enjoying our lives more now.  Admittedly my DS and his wife are less happy than I would like to see them be but there is nothing I can do to change things for them and ruining my life over it is no longer an option I am willing to allow.  I matter too.  I want to enjoy the remainder of my life. 

Your mind is a garden your thoughts are the seeds
You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
Author unknown


Quote from: Stilllearning on January 01, 2020, 06:15:17 AMmy DS and his wife are less happy than I would like to see them be but there is nothing I can do to change things for them and ruining my life over it is no longer an option I am willing to allow.
Amen to this! It has taken me a decade of pain, manipulation and humiliation to finally begin focusing on what's important - my own happiness and the relationships that give me joy. 

The difficulty I face is that they (YS and DIL) are still attempting to manipulate me to fall back in line. It's difficult, but I'm trying to hold my ground. Baby steps in the right direction are still steps forward.


Welcome, M. If that is your given name, please select a new User Name so you can remain anonymous. We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under pen Me First to read the posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit for you. We are a monitored Website

Good for you for realizing that you deserve better and holding that line! No easy and freedom doesn't come overnight for most of us but it is possible! That's for adding your encouragement ad good luck!
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


Quote from: J Peters on December 29, 2019, 07:11:21 PMWell she came downstairs, called me all kinds of horrible things and told me to get out of her house.  My son did nothing
I am so sorry this happened to you. I have experienced very similar behavior in my DIL and my son. The phenomenon that your son is in right now is called trauma-bonding. It keeps him jumping to her tune in every situation and he really is incapable of caring about your feelings. If he doesn't follow along with her, then there is hell to pay so he will avoid that no matter what. I know that's horribly difficult to hear, but I have been a party to my DIL's abuse for 10 years now and my son has stood by and watched it happen so I know this to be true. My beloved son has even participated in the abuse, at times. In his eyes, she can do no wrong and if she tells him I'm the villain, he goes along with it. 

I've also been kicked out of their house and it's a traumatic experience. One time just last year I had babysat my granddaughter for 5 days while DIL was sick and my son was working. I had picked her up and dropped her off (a 45 minute drive through two towns each way). When I arrived with granddaughter I was only there about 10 minutes and getting ready to leave. I was telling my son a cute story about their daughter when DIL screamed down the stairs about how rude we were for leaving her out of the conversation. I ran upstairs to relay the same story to her when she rudely told me I needed to "leave right NOW!" My son just stood there and didn't say a word as I ran out of their house totally shocked. Not one word of thanks from either one of them. The next day I get this weird passive aggressive text telling me she was upset about something I said from nearly a month earlier, so now I was expected to apologize. She's certifiably nuts but my son can't see it.
I wouldn't completely write off your son, but maybe just stop reaching out to him and expecting anything in return. An occasional text or phone call to let him know you're thinking of him and love him but nothing more. Hopefully, he will maintain a relationship with you. Time will tell.