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Middle child playing head games

Started by islandgal66@live.ca, November 25, 2019, 07:03:40 pm

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islandgal66@live.ca

November 25, 2019, 07:03:40 pm Last Edit: November 26, 2019, 02:10:23 am by Stilllearning Reason: Delete name
 I'm a mom of three adult children. I'm struggling with my middle child who has mental disabilities but still can function. I feel like she plays these games to get my attention or to just upset me. She claims to want to make amends yet she then causes trouble and then gets her hubby involved. I'm at my wits end.

Stilllearning

Welcome I!!  We are glad you found us!  We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under Open Me First to read the posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit for you. We are a monitored Website.  I edited your original post to remove your name.  Only the founder of this site, Luise, can use their real name.  You also should change your screen name.  Do not use your email address.  Thanks!!

Now as to your problem you really haven't given us much to comment on so I will be shooting in the dark but I will give it a whirl.  My DS was completely unaware that he was "playing games" with me.  I was well aware of it but I still kept playing because, after all, he is my son and I didn't want to loose him forever and since games were the only way of keeping in touch, well, what else could I do?  I was so incredibly upset and I could not see any way out.  I forgot that there is always a way out.  I stopped playing.  I stopped calling him to stay in touch.  I stopped texting him to see what was happening.  I stopped running after him begging to be included in his life.  I just quit.  It wasn't easy.  I had to force myself to stop.  I had to rehearse and repeat my mantras:

1) No news is good news
2) Not my circus, not my monkeys
3) What I focus on expands

Using these sayings to recenter myself many times a day I eventually broke the "I've gotta fix this" habit and I have grown to accept that his life is his to live, including if he messes it up.  It has taken years but he has come around.  I think that I was stuck in the habit of treating him like my son instead of treating him as the adult he is.  I still object to some of the things he does but I keep to my own counsel unless he asks for advice (which he almost never does).  With practice I have managed to start focusing my thoughts on the things that bring me joy and my life in general has improved beyond belief.  Thinking about my DS's situation still causes me grief so I still try to avoid dwelling on it.  As a matter of fact when my siblings or friends ask about him I always repeat my circus mantra and they hush.  I hope this helps.

Hugs!!
Your mind is a garden your thoughts are the seeds
You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
Author unknown

luise.volta

Hi and Welcome. Once our children are grown and have married it seems to me that the rules change. That's what happened to me at least. My eldest son decided everything he didn't like in life was my fault. I won't bore you with all of the details. I tried to convince him I cared but I finally realized I was keeping the game in place. I told him I had done my best and from that date on, his happiness was his responsibility, as an adult. I turned toward what I wanted to focus on and got on with my own life. Once I was off the game board, I missed him. That's the truth. However, I did no miss the conflict and anxiety. That's also the truth. His childhood was mine to manage, his adulthood is his to manage...as is mine. Good luck. This isn't easy.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


Stilllearning

Welcome J!  We are glad you found us!  We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under Open Me First to read the posts placed there for you. There you will find a list of our abbreviations and acronyms.  Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit for you. We are a monitored Website.


DS stands for dear son.  Please feel free to post anytime! 

Hugs!

https://www.wisewomenunite.com/index.php/topic,6650.0.html
Your mind is a garden your thoughts are the seeds
You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
Author unknown