December 11, 2019, 08:02:26 pm

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Jealous grandmother

Started by jand, August 05, 2019, 01:19:42 pm

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jand

I have a life long best friend who has always regarded me as family. I am an "aunty" to her kids, nieces and nephews and now considered a grandma to her grandchildren. I have the 3 grandchildren with me more than anyone else as I am retired, usually at home and love being with the littles, spending quality time with them, crafting, playing, going to shows, taking them places etc. My time with them is spent with them and not other things when they are with me. As a recent widow; these kids have filled a huge void in my life. My "friend", who is their maternal grandmother, rarely spends time with them, often bails on plans, lies and makes excuses, but expects the kids to adore her. When the kids are with her; she often naps and makes them spend time alone and find their own entertainment. She constantly gives them orders, chores and disciplines them even when not always necessary. The kids love spending time with me and are very vocal about it because we have so much fun. I have rarely had any discipline issues with them. Long story short - my best friend has abruptly quit speaking to me after she once again bailed on an outing that we had both promised to take the kids to (2nd time). I told her that I thought that it was unfair to the kids. As much as she touted that she was so grateful that the kids had me; she now resents it & is maligning me with the family. If I continue to spend time with the kids; the ripple effect within the family will be huge as I will not be invited or present for many events that I have always been there for. Birthdays, Xmas, school events, extra curricular events... What do I do? I don't want her kids or grandkids to be dragged into this mess.

Stilllearning

Welcome Jand!  We are glad you found us! We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under Open Me First to read the posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit for you. We are a monitored Website.

Although your situation is unique in that you are not a blood relative we have had several grandmothers who were in similar situations when their DIL's felt resentful of the love and attention their grandchildren showed to the grands, ignoring the parent. 

I once had a neighbor who's daughter would rather spend time at my house than her own.  She loved playing with my DS (same age)but more than that she loved the hugs that flowed freely from me to any child in the vicinity.  I will always remember the first time I hugged her.  She stood there shocked so I asked if I could hug her again.  She said yes and I spent the next ten minutes asking the same question over and over again and hugging her.  Her mother eventually got jealous too and the little girl who was about 4 at the time was told she could not visit me anymore.  She would sneak away from home anyway and come to my house.  Then I would get a call from her mother asking if she was at my house and I would say yes.  I found out after a few times that she was sneaking over and getting spanked every time she came over but she still came anyway.  My heart broke.  One of the hardest things I have ever done was to tell her she couldn't come over anymore because I didn't want her to get spanked.  She moved away a few months later.  I still think about her and wonder how she is doing.  She is a young adult now.  I hope she eventually found a loving home for herself and her children (if she has any).

I had to face the horrible fact that I could not help her any more than I already had.  Hopefully I let her know that all homes were not like her childhood home and she could set her sights on the home she wanted and not settle for the kind of home she was raised in.  There were many, many indications for me that the home she was raised in was horribly dysfunctional. 

Hopefully someone else on this site will pipe in with some wonderful idea that will save you from the fate I have had to live with.

Hugs!
Your mind is a garden your thoughts are the seeds
You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
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