November 18, 2019, 02:53:59 am

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Silent treatment from daughter.

Started by Sotiredofdrama, September 10, 2019, 10:43:09 am

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Sotiredofdrama

First posting ever,  only because friends and family aren't sure why my 28yr old likes to give me silent treatment on the regular.

I'll just wait it out..again.But with each time (varying from 6 months to 8 months), I get tired of referencing,well this and that happened during your silent treatment, OR I don't even want to bother explaining anything because I don't know when the next silent treatment will start.
If I flick her off she'll say.. "Well I guess the last silent treatment wasn't painful enough.." And then she shuts down.

This most recent shut down occurred when I disagreed with her up and leaving to go live in  Salt Lake City.
( she moved back home to NYC 8 months ago from VA so she has no overhead and can concentrate on finishing her online degree in psychology. She works 30hrs.so she can payoff her high credit card balances) Still not finished with her degree, she wants to move to Utah to ski and do outside activities.
I told her the expenses will be too high and it'll be like VA all over again. Money issues and I pay and pay because I do...
Her Dad ( I'm divorced) is a pediatrician  but she doesn't like him either and hasn't talked to him in over a year.

He hasn't spoken to me in 27 yrs. So I know it's a learned behavior she has.

I just feel good letting this out on a digitized paper format.

Not sure if anyone has the answer, but I feel a bit better.
Thank you.
 

Stilllearning

Welcome S!!  We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under Open Me First to read the posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit for you. We are a monitored Website.

I have gotten "the silent treatment" before and it really stinks!  I finally got tired of letting my DS make me feel that way and I stopped.  I know it sounds weird but "the silent treatment" only works if you let it.  If you can tell yourself 'no news is good news' and just ignore the fact that they are not talking to you the sting in "the silent treatment" disappears like magic.  When they start talking to you if you act like you never noticed it kind of takes the wind out of their sails.  It takes practice but it worked for me.  Good luck!

On the other front your daughter sounds like she has lessons (economic ones) to learn.  When my DS started making bad decisions I found that I just could not watch without saying anything.  Luckily "the silent treatment" made it so that I was not finding out about any of his bad decisions until they were done deals.  He has learned a lot since I started letting go and so have I.  His problems are his and he does not ask for help except in the most extreme circumstances.  Fortunately I have been able to help him once or twice.  He understands that that will not always be the case.  It is amazing how much he has matured since I stopped stepping in to fix things.  I am really proud of him now.

Remember that you deserve to be happy!!
Your mind is a garden your thoughts are the seeds
You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
Author unknown

luise.volta

Welcome, S. I found it really hard to see my grown sons as adults. To me, they are still my 'kids' and probably always will be. What finally work regarding money, was to state when there was no financial crisis, that I had gotten to where I knew I wasn't respecting them as adults when I stepped in and rescued them...and so their next step was going to be to learn to manage their own finances and to face the consequences if they didn't. To that end, I asked not to be advised of their ups and downs any more than I discussed mine with them. No exceptions, ever, and that has worked. It wasn't easy for me at first and my guess is that was true for them, too, but we held our own counsel. It's been many years that their success has been evident. I do comment on that! Hugs...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

iwaslookingforlinda

Quote from: luise.volta on September 13, 2019, 09:44:26 amWelcome, S. I found it really hard to see my grown sons as adults. To me, they are still my 'kids' and probably always will be. What finally work regarding money, was to state when there was no financial crisis, that I had gotten to where I knew I wasn't respecting them as adults when I stepped in and rescued them...and so their next step was going to be to learn to manage their own finances and to face the consequences if they didn't. To that end, I asked not to be advised of their ups and downs any more than I discussed mine with them. No exceptions, ever, and that has worked. It wasn't easy for me at first and my guess is that was true for them, too, but we held our own counsel. It's been many years that their success has been evident. I do comment on that! Hugs...
. My daughter has got to move as her landlord selling her house she has six kids a very bad credit check history is preventing her renting another place privately as she is very irrational irratic and foolish with money ran up debts and court summons for parking fines unpaid! She asked me to be a quarantor but am disabled on welfare myself any money is tied up in my house . Since saying NO she has accused me of being selfish despite taking care of her two youngest daughters on a regular basis now she won't call us stone walling me says I can still have her girls my grand kids but she won't talk to me be case drop them an go ( often the case anyway)! She never stays overnight she seems to forget I am I'have mental health issues as her father was abusive alcoholic and left me for dead after knocking me unconscious then lying about it! He would play mind games turn his daughters against me throw money at things when they demanded it and accuse me of being tight ( I am not an sensible believe grown adults should earn thier own way through life and if loan money pay it back ! I was always the mum and dad really trying to guide them teach them descent codes of conduct ! Neither of my daughters are talking to me because refuse to be bullied emotionally blackmailed and used as a childminder which is case and a cleaner while they parcel thier kids about from pillar to post ! I am so hurt both can not behave reasonably descent Or kind but bully refuse to be financially accountable or budget wisely and want to blame everyone but themselves for bad choices and behaviours and try to make me feel guilty about owning my home which had to work for full time while raising my daughters and being self employed childminder for 26 years putting everyone else's wants needs first . The minute try to do stuff get to be made to feel selfish and the two of them not talking to me or showing respect I show them hurts deeply don't sleep night after night trying to think ways to teach them to be descent peace makers and good to each other they fell out over money and I was told if spoke to younger daughter older one have nothing to do with me ( spiteful blackmail)! I refused to take sides saying it's between them nothing to do with me but sadly now seems both turned on me ! I am so lonely trying to build a life but made to feel selfish for doing so they both ignore sensible guidance and put me down . Am devastated they are both like thier father abusive manipulative hurts deeply . 

Stilllearning

Welcome I!!  We are glad you found us. We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under Open Me First to read the posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit for you. We are a monitored Website.

I have had your reply up on my computer since you posted it trying to figure out what I should say.  Once I was where you are but it didn't involve my children, it involved my husband.  At least twice a year he would go out of town on a "guys weekend" and leave me to take care of the children.  Over time I grew to resent this treatment.  I voiced my resentment and my reasons but my DH just said "Why don't you just take a weekend trip too?".  He had a point but I didn't want to leave my DH and children at home while I went out for a good time.  I was at an impasse with a growing resentment about it.  It was so unfair for him to do this to me year after year!  I actually got so bad that I considered the big "D".  It is amazing how much resentment can invade your relationship and turn a good one sour.

I can almost hear you thinking "So, what did you DO?"  I went to a workshop that made me rethink how that resentment got there and who was responsible for it.  Actually it was my own fault.  I had given my DH the total responsibility for my happiness.  Whether I am happy or not is my own decision and how much I let someone else "make me unhappy" is also my own choice.  My workshop taught me that I was the only person who could make me happy or vice versa.  I took a long look at my situation and came up with a solution.

I started doing things to make myself happy on those "guy weekends".  I took the kids camping.  I started going up to my DH and asking him when the next weekend was so that I could make plans for myself and the kids.  When he came home the children and I were full of stories about how much fun we had had.  I can only remember a couple of times camping without my DH there.  It didn't take long for him to decide that he would rather go with us than go on the "guys" trip.  Those camping trips stand out in all of our memories.  My screen saver is filled with pictures of them and when they pop up I think about how much fun we had on that particular trip.  I know my children will recall them with pleasure for their entire lifetimes, and to think the first camping trip my children went on was planned as a way to make myself happy and resentment free.  I am forever grateful for that workshop.  It was the beginning of my happily ever after.  Yes, that was derailed by the DIL issue that brought me here and it took my reading on this site to bring me back to the path of happiness but right now, for a while, my life is blissfully happy.  It is one of the things I will be thinking about this Thanksgiving.

I hope this will help you think twice about how unhappy you are letting yourself feel.  I hope it will empower you to take control of your life instead of letting everyone else drive your moods.  Happiness is a matter of perspective. Find something in your life that makes you happy and focus on it.  Always remember what you focus on expands!

Hugs from all of us!
Your mind is a garden your thoughts are the seeds
You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
Author unknown